What’s going on ???

[theunderstudy]

My husband of 2 years is messaging the woman he had an affair with when he was married previously.
Back story is predictable he’s a Dr, she’s a nurse…. 10 years ago I get a job in the department they worked in. I hear the rumours about them (didn’t care what they were up to as I was going through a divorce). Fast forward 5 years he asks me out. After 1 year the “secret” was out we’d been seeing one another. 3 years ago she got divorced, becomes my line manager and my now husband gets a job elsewhere.
Sunday we had boarded our flight home and I clearly saw he was messaging her, I couldn’t see the content but saw her name. I was really taken aback I’d seen her name but kept silent for some reason.
I am now watching him smile when he’s reading messages, noticed that he’s quite secretive with his phone, has WhatsApp messages archived as I can see notifications.

I’m too afraid to snoop

Thoughts???

Definitely have a snoop. Check 'locked' messages in WhatsApp, deleted emails in 'bin' in email and 'hidden albums' in photos.

How come they didn't get together at the time? How securely do you think he loves you?

He does have a hidden album in photos on his phone!!!!!

Once a cheat always a cheat has never been more true here.

I'd ask him to show you the messages and see how he reacts.

ASK him

He's cheating. I'm sorry.

They didn’t get together as his ex wife said he couldn’t see the children.
TBH I don’t know if he does love or is just really fond/likes me.

Do you think she hasn't thought of that?

Do you think he would just tell her?

So his phone behavior has changed and he’s secretly messaging his former affair partner? @theunderstudy, this is highly inappropriate. It sounds like he is indeed having an emotional or physical affair.

You say you’re not sure if he loves you, and he may just be really fond of you. Can you elaborate? Before this development, had you sensed underinvestment on his part?

You need information. I would be investigating his phone, pockets, etc. Are you able to see bank and phone statements?

Even if you don’t find a smoking gun, his secretive behavior and sneaky chat tell you that something illicit is going on. I’d tell him that you’re aware he has brought OW into your marriage, and you aren’t interested in staying under these circumstances. Don’t listen to any lies (We’re just friends...She’s having a hard time, blah blah) or manipulations (It’s your fault, blah blah).

@theunderstudy, if you’ve put him on a pedestal, take him down. Don’t tolerate this infidelity, disrespect and disloyalty.

Sadly I think you already know the answer to this. I’m sorry.

I'm at the point in my life where I've realized ultimatums and confrontations don't work long term. The history as you've described it pretty much guarantees it.
If you don't feel you'd get a straight answer, or feel you'll just be gaslit, I'd search the phone. If I was proven correct I wouldn't even have a discussion. I'd get my ducks in a row and serve papers for divorce. Life is too short to spend it crying and arguing; having self esteem and dignity shat on; and essentially begging to be desired and loved.

I’ve been watching him. He is acting weird. Leaving phone in his work bag for ages got home yesterday…usually it’s charged instantly, when the group chat started his phone was on silent….this does not happen either, at bedtime he took ages in the bathroom so I went onto WhatsApp to see if they were online and hey presto they were.
I have the total ICK with him. I don’t want to look at him or converse with him. He’s oncall 7-7 today usually he’d not go in unless it’s busy but he says he’ll go as the junior panics!!!!!

Well he thinks he’s putting one over on you, but he couldn’t be more obvious. An affair with his former AP — what a cliche. I wonder if they’ve always had something simmering in the background, but now things have escalated.

I wouldn’t hang around while he repeats history and trashes another marriage. Stand tall, walk away, and leave them to it, @theunderstudy.

You are very calm. So use this to move forward. Think about what you want and need from your life and keep your powder dry.

No kids, short marriage. If you know you are done, gather documents and serve divorce papers. I would not mention it before hand. While he is in La la land fawning over a colleague get your ducks in a row. Make the distraction work for you.

At this point in your marriage with his history this may be your best best at long term happiness.

You may find the shock and awe of serving papers and not telling him, confronting him or talking about it will help your self esteem in the long run and help you get past this sad man who has no self control, a sense of entitlement and needs smoke blowing up his arse. I would tell him there is nothing to discuss you are done. The lack of discussion or listening to his absolute drivel is likely to drive him mad (and again help you in the long run).

I wish you well.

Take the phone and check it. I think you already know what you will find. Feel for you op, betrayal is a hideous feeling. Do you have children together?

You’re already showing signs of hypervigilance, (by trying to work out if they’re online at the same time, I remember doing that I remember how awful it feels) you’re already showing signs of the damage this unsafe man is doing to you.

You deserve better than this. The trouble with cheats who don’t do any reflection after their affairs is that they remain selfish, entitled and unsafe as partners. They will continue to put their own desire for the highs and affair gives (honestly its addiction territory imho) over the right to personal agency and informed sexual consent of the person they claim to love.

This nasty creep won’t change. Don’t let him cause you any more emotional/ mental harm (potentially sexual harm). You have to be your own best friend here.

Op why was your relationship ‘secret’. Does he get a thrill from secrecy? I only ask because cheating is down to character defects. When you start really examining him you will see why he is this way.

Cheating is never the fault of the one who was cheated on. Unmet needs theory is rubbish. It’s illogical. How does cooking someone dinner, sharing their favourite music and giving oral sex every night cause person a person to have integrity, honesty and loyalty as core values?

Did he blame his ex for his cheating? Or did he say I was a shit bag and x,y and z were character defects that meant I lack integrity and core values that are expected in a marriage? Without digging deep and realising why he was prepared to break his own vows and why he was prepared to stand up in front of family and friends and say words in a wedding ceremony that he doesn’t believe in he will NEVER be a safe partner.

He has a BUT in his monogamy . I am faithful but not i won’t get caught. I am faithful but not if I’ve shagged her before as then it doesn’t count.

Op channel your calm. Divorcing without discussion will maintain your dignity. I am sorry you are in this position.

I am calm, perhaps too calm!!!
I like the idea of getting myself sorted and then blowing it all up. I don’t want to listen to BS, I did that in my previous it prolonged the inevitable.

I have to go to work day after day where she is my line manager. Our paths cross daily as I’m one of the Sisters in the department. If I can keep my cool there I’ll certainly be able to at home.

Thank you to you all 😊

Oh it’s early I apologise for my extra words and dodgy spellings etc.

Calm, collected and composed - at all times.

I think life experience allows this. The first time you are let down your world collapses. The second time someone (this may be a different person) is a shitbag they no longer have the ability to shock you as you know what people are capable of. This allows you to be more in control.

If you are done I really wouldn’t discuss.He will lie and back track. By seeing a solicitor and quietly watching him lie and sneak about hopefully the love you felt will dwindle. This means he has less chance of convincing you and wasting more of your precious time (life). It sounds illogical at first but watching him act like a 15 year old smoking at the back of the bike shed is a really unattractive look in anyone. The giggles at his phone, the sly hiding of his phone, the overtime and I’m running late. Every lie you will fall out of love. You will see the man behind the mask. The one who needs ego kibbles and validation and lies and cheats to get the black hole inside him filled.

You confront and he will love bomb and lie. Not telling him (don’t have sex with him) means you can shock him. Let him get home and your stuff is gone and divorce papers ready to sign. Tell others ‘oh mr cheaty was back to his old ways, such a shame he lacks integrity and honesty, poor chap seems to have big problems’.

I certainly wouldn’t want a colleague who lies, sneaks and cheats rather than using effective communication. Smacks of poor integrity, honesty and loyalty - not someone I would want as a colleague. Yuk.

Still calm on the outside
I’ll answer some of the questions you’ve asked, he wanted to keep it quiet about us in the beginning. He said you know what people are like at work, they’ll get involved and we’ll fall out.
He says in his previous marriage they were both miserable and it was basically over (I ALWAYS CALLED BS ON THAT ONE) although he did once tell me it’s his biggest regret having ruined his family.
Hyper vigilance……I didn’t even realise I was doing it!!!
We don’t have children together.
We’ve not had sex in ages so that won’t be difficult to avoid.

when he came home last night I made dinner and made my excuses to go to bed early. For somebody who was absolutely done in he managed to stay up until after midnight.
In the space of a week my husband repulses me!!!!!!!

No advice but sending a hand hold if you need one - currently going through a break up here, am very impressed with how calm you are.

Calm on the outside
Its bubbling in my chest believe me!

@HappyasLarrynot I’m sorry this is happening to you too xx

I agree wholeheartedly with @FairyMaclary excellent advice. Revenge is really a dish best served cold.
He would absolutely love giving him the stage to play the misunderstood victim, dont indulge him and focus on getting out of this marriage as best as you can financially.