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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What’s going on ???

61 replies

theunderstudy · 16/11/2023 17:36

My husband of 2 years is messaging the woman he had an affair with when he was married previously.
Back story is predictable he’s a Dr, she’s a nurse…. 10 years ago I get a job in the department they worked in. I hear the rumours about them (didn’t care what they were up to as I was going through a divorce). Fast forward 5 years he asks me out. After 1 year the “secret” was out we’d been seeing one another. 3 years ago she got divorced, becomes my line manager and my now husband gets a job elsewhere.
Sunday we had boarded our flight home and I clearly saw he was messaging her, I couldn’t see the content but saw her name. I was really taken aback I’d seen her name but kept silent for some reason.
I am now watching him smile when he’s reading messages, noticed that he’s quite secretive with his phone, has WhatsApp messages archived as I can see notifications.

I’m too afraid to snoop

Thoughts???

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 20/11/2023 11:28

@theunderstudy how are you today?

Original poster
theunderstudy · 20/11/2023 19:34

@FairyMaclary Thank you this means so much. Tomorrow will be a test as she is back at work and will no doubt be in my face as always is after annual leave!!
Also told my sister and she’s in agreement that I should drop the bomb on him.

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 20/11/2023 19:41

Be careful and be prepared to be lied to, manipulated and gaslit.

Don't ask him to confirm - he won't.

Best of luck Op.

Original poster
theunderstudy · 21/11/2023 12:51

As predicted she is all in my face being the hero manager returning from annual leave. She had not one thing to bitch about this morning ✌🏻
My chest aches with rage!

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 21/11/2023 15:19

Channel calm. Think of a swan, calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath!

If you confront it’s not going to help the work or home situation. Can you speak to a solicitor this week? Have you got somewhere to go when you leave? Have you got a safe place to store documents etc - get them out if so. Momentos, photos and precious items. Plus paperwork.

You can let colleagues know once it’s done. They both have serious issues. When colleagues find out some staff will never trust her again, I would always wonder what else she is covering as she is such an effective liar. I don’t enjoy working with people I see as deceptive especially in an environment when integrity and honesty is important. I can’t imagine selling out my trust and integrity to fumble with a colleagues husband.

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 16:15

@theunderstudy
Knowing that he cheated on his prior wife, did you really expect fidelity in this marriage? Did you assume the cheating in the past was due to some fault or failing in his ex wife? Did it never occur to you that he was likely going to find that same fault or failing in you?

Why not go and file for a divorce immediately? What strategic benefit do you hope to gain by game playing? Divorce is essentially a no fault situation. Assets will be split as designated in your legal jurisdiction. There is nothing to be gained by trying to play a gotcha game. This is your life not some Sherlock mystery. Have some self respect , and pull the plug on this charade of a marriage.

Original poster
theunderstudy · 21/11/2023 16:27

@FairyMaclary I have an appointment with a solicitor Friday.
Luckily my son lives in my previous property and he’ll have to suck it up and have me there.
I can’t be dealing with a showdown with either of them.

@Mari9999 i obviously gave him a chance and he’s blown it. I most certainly did not blame his ex wife for him being a filthy cheater.
It’s a massive sham that I will cannot wait to be out of!!

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 21/11/2023 16:33

Just see a solicitor at the quickest opportunity and be done with.

Do you need to get any copies of paperwork, house deeds etc.?

I would do that then just let him know you'll be serving him with divorce papers because his affair- be that emotional or physical- with his ex appears to be ramping up again and you've no interest in hanging around for the outcome.

He then has the option to be honest with you and respond with dignity, or to continue grubbing around in the dirt. I would try not to place too much significance on which he chooses to do.

You took a risk on him and it hasn't paid off. Not blaming you for any of this and dont mean to sound harsh, more that it may help you to give it perspective in the longer term.

Catandsquirrel · 21/11/2023 16:34

Cross post. You'll be fine

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 16:40

@FairyMaclary
I don't think colleagues will care much about the OP's divorce situation. People who know the parties involved will likely have formed their on opinions about the character of all involved.quite a while ago. Some may be sympathetic to the OP' s pain but there is no place in the work place for domestic issues. It always seems a bit intrusive to expect colleagues to
take a side or have an opinion about your divorce.

The best that the OP should be hoping for is a quick and fair resolution to this entire matter. Poor judgement in her personal life is no indication that the supervisor lacks the ability to be an excellent manager in her precession life

In reality the OP and her supervisor share something in common, both are willing to bed the same man. However, one had the good judgment not to marry him.

Snowfalling · 21/11/2023 17:49

no Advice but good luck op.

FairyMaclary · 29/11/2023 10:32

@theunderstudy how are you getting on?

Original poster
theunderstudy · 29/11/2023 14:22

I left Saturday and am getting divorced.
He said they never been completely over. There always has been messages and meeting up.

She has been absent from work since Monday 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Winterlandsky · 29/11/2023 14:37

@theunderstudy Is this lady married? Sorry if I've missedd it but why did they not get together after his divorce instead of still creeping around?

Original poster
theunderstudy · 29/11/2023 14:45

@Winterlandsky
They didn’t get together as his ex didn’t want their kids around her
Who knows if that’s true 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s been divorced for 3 years

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 29/11/2023 15:25

She's his dirty little secret. Well done for standing up for yourself.

FairyMaclary · 29/11/2023 16:40

Hope you are okay op.
Do you have real life support? X

Original poster
theunderstudy · 29/11/2023 17:48

@FairyMaclary
My sister and 3 closest friends know everything 😊

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 29/11/2023 18:05

I’m sorry @theunderstudy you deserve better! Put that idiot in the rear view mirror!

Museum1066 · 29/11/2023 18:56

@theunderstudy It all adds up to an odd one, keep doing the best you can

Hatty65 · 29/11/2023 18:58

I think I'd have to tell HR at work. I know it's awkward - but 'My DH is having an affair with X and I have filed for divorce. Obviously it is no longer appropriate for her to manage me, given that she has been seeing my husband behind my back. He admits to this'.

See what they say! Perhaps her halo will slip a little.

Starrynightlight · 29/11/2023 20:14

Hatty65 · 29/11/2023 18:58

I think I'd have to tell HR at work. I know it's awkward - but 'My DH is having an affair with X and I have filed for divorce. Obviously it is no longer appropriate for her to manage me, given that she has been seeing my husband behind my back. He admits to this'.

See what they say! Perhaps her halo will slip a little.

Yes, this

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/11/2023 21:33

@theunderstudy Glad you've taken control. Procrastination just causes more pain and you end up losing your nerve and suffering. I hope this thread helps others in similar situations and that the online encouragement here has helped you. So many of us has gone through similar with both triumph and regret, but ultimately taking control and putting yourself first does help your self-esteem. 🩷

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/11/2023 21:34

Hatty65 · 29/11/2023 18:58

I think I'd have to tell HR at work. I know it's awkward - but 'My DH is having an affair with X and I have filed for divorce. Obviously it is no longer appropriate for her to manage me, given that she has been seeing my husband behind my back. He admits to this'.

See what they say! Perhaps her halo will slip a little.

Yes, absolutely.

Catandsquirrel · 03/12/2023 16:58

Sorry you're going through all of this bit glad you've made a decisive move forward.

Agreed with others re HR just to help with a clean break at work from both of them. Hopefully they should arrange some separation.