I can't stand being touched by DD

[ClemFandangooo]

I'm not sure if this a PND thing or a hormone thing but since having DD2 5 months ago, I cannot stand DD1 touching me. I can't explain why. I love her so much but when she touches my skin I just need to get her off, it makes my skin crawl and I have this urge to just get her off me, it makes me really angry and uncomfortable. I can't help it and I feel absolutely terrible I'm just so touched out.

She sleeps in my bed most nights and she is constantly trying to put her feet and hands in any crevice of my body and it makes me feel itchy and my skin crawl.

I sound like a terrible mum and I hate feeling this way I just want to love cuddling her, I'm just not sure what to do. Has anybody else experienced the same?
I can only liken it to when I experienced a breastfeeding aversion whilst feeling DD1 and pregnant with DD2.

I'm worried I sound insane, please tell me someone's experienced the same!

How old is DD1? Can you mover her to her own bed? You're probably "touched out" and need some space.

She's nearly 3. I've been trying for almost 2 years now to get her in her own bed with the help of so many different people and it's just not happening. She absolutely needs to be in her own bed though, she's touching me and on me 24/7.

I think you're just going to have to go cold turkey and start putting her in her own bed even if there's a lot of upset and resistance. Do you have a partner? Get them on board too if so. It's not unreasonable to want some space and I'm sure those feelings will pass when you get a bit more time to yourself.

Oh yeah, totally normal! It's just hormones and like you said, touched out. I dealt with it after my 4th, never had it before. It got a lot better after I stopped breastfeeding. I have PND/anxiety and I felt like it was tied to that- which all comes down to hormones anyway. I just pushed through it and did/said everything I could to my older DD to make her feel loved and lessen the guilt. It's okay and it will get better.
Sorry I don't have advise about the bed sharing, I never won that one!

Even now I'm up feeding DD2 and DD1 wakes up because I had to slide her off me and she's now trying to lie on my lap crying repeatedly saying "cuddle mummy" whilst pulling at me I just want to be left alone! She's constantly touching me

She can't even sleep without lying across me

Do you have a partner that can pick up some of the slack with dd1? You may be preferred parent but you make the rules

She gets straight out and climbs on to my bed every time. Whenever I do it she'll be up the whole night and she cries until she's sick or can't breathe.

Last time I repeatedly put her back in her bed, offered to sing or read etc and she just screamed "mummy's bed" and was eventually sick after nearly two hours of screaming and I can't physically hold her down in her bed.

I don't know what to do :(

I'm ringing the GP this week to start antidepressants for PND anyway so I'm hoping it'll somehow help with this feeling as I really hate it I just want to enjoy cuddling her.

I don't have it with DD2 at all, I feel so guilty

You didn't mention a partner but if you have one can they help the transition to her own bed by sleeping with her there? Sounds a really tough situation, good luck.

I found a med that helped a lot! I hope you do too. Try not to overthink it or feel bad- honestly kids can be so annoying anyway, especially when you never have your own space to relax at night. It isn't terrible of you, even if there weren't the other factors. It won't always be like this either. That's something I repeated many times over the past year. This is temporary and it will pass one way or another.

Try to establish some boundaries. Make sure you are cuddling her sometimes but it's ok to say no at other times.

I will always give mine a hug when they ask but I do tell them to stop if they are climbing on me and sometimes after the hug has gone on a while I stop it. 'Thanks for the lovely hug, mummy needs to go unload the dishwasher now so it's time to let go please'.

I think our feelings towards older children can become quite complicated when you have a baby. To some extent, the bond we had is broken - if we were animals, we’d probably force them out of the den or whatever ‘home’ we had! Obviously we aren’t going to chuck our own 2/3 year olds out but there is that instinct there which is probably where that feeling you’re experiencing comes from.

But it also sounds like resentment and I had similar feelings towards my ds before the arrival and even conception of DD, as his sleep was appalling from about 10-18 months. He’d go to sleep happily enough and then wake three hours later and refuse to go back in his own bed and like you he had to be ON me. I was exhausted and desperately wanting my own space.

We cracked it (I say we, I!) through sleep training but I’m not going to bombard with advice as it’s overwhelming in the wee small hours. We had the sickness and it’s horrible, wi just had to clean him up making minimal fuss then back to bed, it’s horrific though. I can honestly say it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was only one night for us in the end.

Ds has a thing where when getting dressed he lolls against me, not supporting himself at all and I have this urge to shove him away. I never would of course but I find it so suffocating and claustrophobic.

The inner fight between deep love snd a desire for independence is an ongoing one for nearly every mother, you’re fine.

Where is your partner?

I think it's understandable you feel overwhelmed and a bit swamped, what you need is a kind plan that helps both you and DD1.

Given your update about ADs, I wouldn't do anything until that settles, just because it's best to do one thing at a time.

It is not right to feel guilty for having PND, it's not a choice you made. You are choosing the right thing by getting help.

Weirdly I don’t think it’s odd or awful- it’s like when you have a toddler that doesn’t stop speaking- two of my dses were toddler chatterboxes and I mean they never stopped until asleep. Much as I adored them there were a lot of times my head felt fried. I would guess when you’re tired (exhausted- you do have a baby!!) it’s just overloading your senses. Hugs op

Definitely normal I'd say and it's that "touched out" feeling. My DD1 is 5 years old so understands boundaries a bit better than a toddler but I get it with her, especially when I'm breastfeeding DD2 and DD1 wants to come in my arm for a cuddle as well. I sometimes get this strong feeling of just needing my own space.

Do you have a partner? My partner has taken over more with DD1 since the baby came along. It's really hard trying to juggle both by yourself.

If you left her asleep in your bed and slept elsewhere, would she still wake up?

It sounds like full sleep training would be incredibly overwhelming for you at the moment, could you manage a less intense version, starting to make some distance? Eg, when dd1 is demanding cuddles when you're feeding or doing something else you don't allow her on your lap but allow her a side cuddle. Or when she's trying to sleep and wants to be across you you keep putting her back to next to you.

Then it can slowly progress to less touching, to being in the same bed but not touching then one day her lying in her bed for a chill out before she gets to come to yours to sleep, to wean her off. Try much smaller steps but being very firm about them so that not much is changing at once but she has to accept the changes, might be easier for you right now than the screaming for hours.

I'm wondering if she feels displaced by the baby so is fighting even harder now to have contact with you, can you try and redirect this to the baby a little in the day so she gets the idea she's not being pushed out but you don't get touched out? Eg, 'thank you, mummy had a lovely cuddle but now dd2 needs someone to hold her hand while she goes to sleep, can you do that for me?'

I read itstotally normal to 'go off' ypur older one a vit when you have a newborn.I guess it's an evolutionary thing to make parents priorotise the most vulnerable child.
Now, though is not the time to kick her out.Her little world has just been turned upside down and she will already be feeling a little displaced by the baby.

My mum would hug my younger sister and not me and I remember this even now. She would stroke my sisters hair in her lap and when I would approach her she would say no. Me and my sister onky have a 2 year age gap.

Sometimes with my middle child I feel like this, an aversion, but I push and push myself through it and he knows no different. And after a little cuddle and chill he's off to play again.

They won't want to be touching you forever and you will create attachment issues if your purposely deny her affection.

We can't always live to how our reflexes and senses make us feel. This is probably natures protection for your new baby to make sure your giving them the most attention.

If your daughter feels secure and like she is getting enough affection from you she won't cause such issues during sleep time. She can probably sense your dislike and is trying to cling on to any closeness.

Maybe she needs firm words and new boundaries in place. Have you tried?
I tell my children if they are annoying me, if they are being silly/needy etc. It helps them if I name the behaviour. Sometimes they label my behaviour and they have a safe space to express that. No one is passive aggressive or angry. You owe it to your child to tell her and it shouldn't be done to shame her (like my mother did), but to educate her. It will strengthen your bond.
Goodluck.

A weighted blanket might help her. She will feel cuddled without you doing it. At that age they need one that's not very heavy though

I think you have to sort out the bed and sleeping issue. I haven't had the aversion thing but if dc was touching and lying on me all night I certainly would. I'm cringing just thinking about it. Anyone would hate that.

I think you've got into a self-reinforcing cycle. She's tiny still, you know, and she will be feeling insecure and perhaps a bit displaced by the baby, and will be sensing your aversion - the more she senses it, the harder she fights. Her crying for a cuddle was likely real fear and grief that she's been cast out (as she perceives it). Like the poor PP above who went through this with her own mother, I'm going to offer a different response from the others about rules and boundaries and say that, as hard as it is, trying to meet her needs will (seemingly paradoxically) make this better, certainly eventually, maybe quite quickly. When she comes for a cuddle and you get that skin-crawling feeling, tell yourself firmly in your head 'this is my lovely dd1 who I love so much'. Try to notice the warmth and softness of her. Think about how distraught you'd feel for her if anyone else was rejecting her this way (again - this is from what may well be her perspective - I do not mean you are actually rejecting her). Using your mind to counter the instinctual skin-crawl, iyswim.

Get what breaks you can away from both children - a bath in the evening when your dh/dp is there (assuming that is possible). I also wouldn't be shy of somewhat increased screen use for dd1 in this situation, to give you a break during the day.

IIWY I'd go with the family bed (using safe sleep principles) for now, but I wouldn't let her lie 'across' me - I think there needs to be an intermediate stage between lying across you and in her own bed. At that stage I had ds1 on one side of me and ds2 (2.4y age gap) on the other side in his bedside cot.

How long ago did you stop bf?

Me and a few have asked but you haven't answered. Do you have a partner that can help?