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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Threatening to K himself

59 replies

idkhtllt · 14/11/2023 08:54

don't know who to talk to, I’m really lost

my relationship with my partner has been rocky throughout, he’s a compulsive liar and always lets me down.

the past few weeks has been the worst, I’ve tried to break up with him a few times but he’s started to threaten to kill himself, in recent years when I tried to break up with him he would never threaten suicide but since having our baby 3 months ago he threatens it if I try to leave him.

today I caught him out in another lie, and I’m just done, I can’t go on anymore. I know it’s bad, my whole family tells me I need to leave him.

which I have, I’ve told him I’m DONE and I really mean it (although it’s extremely difficult) he’s texting me as if he’s going to end his life.

he told me he’s gone already. (We don’t live together) he’s at his home atm.

what to do? What if he really does do it? I’m petrified. I feel sick to my stomach with him

OP posts:
Superlambaanana · 14/11/2023 08:57

Does he have family - parents, siblings etc - who he's in touch with? Inform them and then block him. You are not responsible for this person's well being. Harsh, but I think you know this and just need reassurance that it is ok to walk away from him. It is ok. Do it immediately.

Brexile · 14/11/2023 09:01

This is a common tactic by abusers to stop women leaving. I'd be shocked if he were serious. I regret staying in abusive relationships with "suicidal" men who with hindsight clearly weren't. They were also liars. You owe him nothing.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 09:02

This is classic manipulation, op. Call his bluff immediately and ring the police to do a welfare check and tell him you are doing so. Then block him entirely. You have got to get away from this man.

MonsteraMama · 14/11/2023 09:08

This is a common manipulation tactic to prevent you from leaving, stay strong. They rarely mean it.

Call the police, every time he makes a threat of suicide or mentions harming himself. Tell them what he's threatening to do and they'll check on him, they deal with this kind of thing a lot so they'll know what to do. If he's genuinely suicidal they can help, if he's crying wolf to get you to do as he wants the shock of police turning up on his doorstep will put the boot up his arse to pack it in. Win-win.

Watchkeys · 14/11/2023 09:13

Call the Police, every time. He'll soon stop with his compulsive lying about suicide.

Block him. Your life hasn't been given to you for the purpose of protecting him from his own drama. That's his business. Your business is to make sure that, as far as you possibly can, you only put yourself in nice situations, that make you feel good, long and short term. Start that project now: Do you enjoy being pulled into his drama?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/11/2023 09:22

This won't be the first time he has threatened this and it won't be the last time either.

If you met every girl he'd gone out with then I'm sure they would all say the same thing. And yet he lives!

He has probably learned that in his family a threat like that always means you get your own way.

LightSpeeds · 14/11/2023 09:24

When he threatens to kill himself, you need to call the police (on 999).

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/11/2023 09:25

Yeah, they do that. Threaten, I mean. Not your responsibility at all.

TotalOverhaul · 14/11/2023 09:26

You poor thing. That is a horrific and cruel manipulative thing to do. The way to handle it, imo is to say: if that is how you feel, you need professional support that I can't provide. My first duty right now is to our child, as you well know. I would like you to acknowledge your priority is the wellbeing of our child too, but I can't make you do that. Please get help and get well. I cannot be with you while you are in this state. I need to focus on our newborn child.

That way you are sympathetic but not budging an inch.

MariaVT65 · 14/11/2023 09:30

Op don’t worry about him. It’s something they threaten. If he keeps doing it, you tell him you will have to call the police ‘to ensure he is safe’. That may call his bluff.

Topseyt123 · 14/11/2023 09:33

It's manipulative and controlling behaviour designed to keep you just where he wants you, at his beck and call.

Just call the police each time he tries it so that they go to do a welfare check on him. Then just block the arsehole.

He's very unlikely to do anything. He's just trying to control you and keep you on a string, but can't cope with the fact that he is losing that control.

jlpth · 14/11/2023 09:37

It’s abusive and manipulative.

even if he does it, it’s on him, not you

i wouldn’t reply - it’s designed to make you panic

whydoesitalwayshappentome · 14/11/2023 09:40

Abusive men often do this to keep you reeled in. He is very unlikely to do it and anything he does is HIS choice, nothing to do with you. I think it is very unlikely that the Police will go out as a lot of forces have stopped attending mental health calls, and an ambulance would have to go.

Honestly just leave him and let him get on with it. Your conscience is clear.

Justcallmebebes · 14/11/2023 09:47

Call the police to do a welfare check. Every time. He'll soon stop

MarleyandMarleyWoo · 14/11/2023 09:48

He won’t do it, it’s just a threat to keep you in line, very very common tactic.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 14/11/2023 09:51

Fight fire with fire. Next time he says it tell him to be sure to leave a note. It makes the inquest easier.

Hotchocolatemousse · 14/11/2023 09:54

He's been like this for years so why have you permanently tied yourself to him by having his baby?

BirdDogs · 14/11/2023 09:56

Hotchocolatemousse · 14/11/2023 09:54

He's been like this for years so why have you permanently tied yourself to him by having his baby?

What difference does that make? What's done is done. OP is asking what to do now. She can't turn back time.

SallyWD · 14/11/2023 09:57

That sounds very tough OP.
I think there's only a small chance he'd do it, and if he does it's not your fault. You are not responsible for his actions. He is responsible for his behaviour in the relationship. He is responsible for making you feel you can't stay with him any longer. Everything that has happened and might happened is down to him.
It's simply not sustainable to stay in a relationship because someone has said they'll kill themselves. You have to want to be with them to stay with them. I'd contact his family and make them aware of his threats, then I'd block him. Whatever happens next is not your fault. He's a grown man, responsible for his own life.

SallyWD · 14/11/2023 09:58

Justcallmebebes · 14/11/2023 09:47

Call the police to do a welfare check. Every time. He'll soon stop

This is good advice

Rainbowqueeen · 14/11/2023 10:07

💐for you. What a nasty man

everyone is right. Call the police for a welfare check. That’s what a supportive ex would do. They will be able to put him in touch with the professionals who can help him or he will stop if it’s just manipulation.

ClawedButler · 14/11/2023 10:07

There's a reason manipulative people do this: it works. Normal, decent people like yourself don't want to risk it actually happening.

Speaking as someone who seriously attempted this myself, I can say that generally people who are serious about it don't tell anyone - they don't want to risk being stopped.

I would inform one of his family members if you are in touch with them, and/or call the police and ask for a welfare check on him.

As a PP said, on the off-chance he means it, they can help. And if he doesn't mean it, police turning up might put him off trying that threat on you again. It will also show that you will not play his nasty game, so that may also put him off trying it again.

FartSock5000 · 14/11/2023 10:13

@idkhtllt he's an abusive shytebag and you need to stop pandering to him.

Call 101 and report your newly ex-partner is threatening suicide over text.

After he's had a visit, he won't threaten it anymore! He'll be shocked you told on him.

Tell his parents/family what he is doing and wash your hands of him. Block him. You MUST report him because he may end up sharing custody down the line and you'll need the paper trail to prove to SW that he isn't fit.

If he wants contact with the baby, he can arrange a mediation centre because a man who is "suicidal" isn't fit to look after a baby.

Original poster
idkhtllt · 14/11/2023 15:20

Thanks everyone for replying and giving me advice 💖

He's been texting me all day and begging for me back but because he's now know how's serious I am, he's just texted me he's really gone this time and that he'll always love me .....

I've just texted his brother to let him know as they live really close together..

This is beyond ridiculous

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 14/11/2023 15:56

Pass him on to his family, tell them he is suicidal and you can no longer be his support system. Then tell him to contact you via email only to discuss access arrangements for the kid. Then block him so her can't keep texting and calling. Check your emails once per week only.

If he really needs help (which it's pretty clear he doesn't) his family can assume that reponsibility.