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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this my gut warning me?

58 replies

Catladyireland · 13/11/2023 23:24

Hi Mumsnet,

Hope you're all good. This evening I met my ex boyfriend for a drink, we've been talking on the phone for a while and I was excited but I don't feel myself after meeting up. I really do love him but I was so tense and my emotions were so heightened. I met a friend afterwards who noticed I was very tense and I ended up crying. I wanted to cry during our drinks, he made one or two jokes I didn't like and I generally just feel really sad now. He wants to meet again for a coffee this weekend but I don't think I want to. He was going to drive me home but at the last minute I got a taxi and I think he felt how weird things ended.

Is this my gut telling me to not see him again? He's texting me to find out what is wrong

OP posts:
Imperfectp3rf3ction · 13/11/2023 23:26

Yes it is please listen

Begsthequestion · 13/11/2023 23:29

Yes, it is. Spending time with him makes you feel sad, and unsettled. If I were you I wouldn't see him again.

PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 23:29

It is generally advisable to listen to your gut.

HOwever, there clearly is a backstory. He is your Ex and yet you love him? Why did he invite you out and why are you planning to see him again for coffee? (For coffee - at the weekend??!)

How and why did you break up? What was going on prior to the period leading to the breakup. Who initiated the breakup...

ChangedName654321 · 13/11/2023 23:30

Yes, there's a reason he's your ex

Begsthequestion · 13/11/2023 23:31

PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 23:29

It is generally advisable to listen to your gut.

HOwever, there clearly is a backstory. He is your Ex and yet you love him? Why did he invite you out and why are you planning to see him again for coffee? (For coffee - at the weekend??!)

How and why did you break up? What was going on prior to the period leading to the breakup. Who initiated the breakup...

Why "however"? Everyone has a backstory, so why do you need to know all the details, knowing that the relationship clearly upset OP?

PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 23:33

Just on the off chance that the OP might be looking for some useful, actionable help to deal with whatever is clearly bugging her...

JaxiiTaxii · 13/11/2023 23:34

It's okay to be sad. You were excited & it turns out he's a nob.

I think needing a good cry & preferring to take a taxi after is a strong sign that this man is not the one for you.

Begsthequestion · 13/11/2023 23:35

PaminaMozart · 13/11/2023 23:33

Just on the off chance that the OP might be looking for some useful, actionable help to deal with whatever is clearly bugging her...

Seeing her ex bugged her. That's the point of the post. Why do you want her to dredge up all the gory details which she has already chosen not to post?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2023 23:36

He is your ex for a reason. Probably multiple reasons. He is still the same person you ended it with.

Why are you even considering making the same mistakes again? Clearly, you know you need to stay away from this man. It's over, let it be over. Don't be your own worst enemy.

Original poster
Catladyireland · 13/11/2023 23:38

Yes, we had hiccups along the way but I hoped we could work through them and we both agreed we were both better off with the break we took. But I felt he unfairly blamed me for some of our issues tonight (two sides to every story I guess).

This is going to sound ridiculous but he made a stupid joke where he said 'my life would be less complicated if you died. It would certainly be simpler because we are so complicated'. Call me a crazy woman, I'm all for joking but it hurt my feelings....

OP posts:
quivers · 13/11/2023 23:38

"he made one or two jokes I didn't like". What was it that upset you? Were the jokes offensive or at your expense?

Original poster
Catladyireland · 13/11/2023 23:41

Posted it up above but it might sound ridiculous. Feels like a red flag that it hurt my feelings

OP posts:
JaxiiTaxii · 13/11/2023 23:45

And this him at his most charming, wooing you back??

WTAF.

TeaTurtle · 13/11/2023 23:47

Wow. Yes massive red flag. He sounds very bitter and not nice at all. Your body and your brain are saying don’t go near him again. Please, please listen

HopeFloatsAbove · 13/11/2023 23:47

Wiwbik, that is a tastless joke, no actually it is like a red flag warning

ladycarlotta · 13/11/2023 23:50

my life would be less complicated if you died

erm! It should be more than your gut telling you these vibes are WAY off! Run, don't walk. You do not need this.

Sounds like you've been trained to rationalise nasty stuff like this away for too long, and you're struggling to fall back in line with it again now. Good.

Itham · 13/11/2023 23:50

NOooooooo. If he cared he would never mention you dying, he just wouldn't.

Original poster
Catladyireland · 13/11/2023 23:54

I kinda pushed him on it and he said 'take emotion out of it. Logistically, my life would obviously be simpler'. I quickly put on my coat and he said 'oh you know I'm joking'.

To be fair, we are both very sarcastic and have good banter but after already feeling tense that just threw me.

OP posts:
JaxiiTaxii · 13/11/2023 23:55

"We're so complicated" - well love, that's usually a sign something's a terrible idea.

I'd do this "complicated" man a really simple favour by wishing him well & asking him never to contact you again.

Honestly, that comment is just weird. I'd be rattled too

RedToothBrush · 13/11/2023 23:55

He's not making you happy.

Only be with someone who makes you happy.

Someone who is an ex and trying to get back with you should be trying to make you happy. He's not.

The thing that strikes me here is the fact that you feel you should get back with him because he's asked you. Not because you want to. But because he's asked. And you seem to be feeling guilty about even considering not to.

So you have come on MN to ask our permission to say no to him because you haven't got the confidence to do this without support.

There's red flags all over the place on this.

Your lack of self esteem and confidence comes screaming off the webpage. He seems to have some kind of control or hold over you where you don't feel able to just say no, even though he's clearly not making you happy. His comments are quite frankly disturbing. It would be better if you were dead? That smacks of a man who thinks he owns you not someone who loves you. It's not a remotely normal thing to say. It's something a man who kills his girlfriend for not doing what he wants because 'shes a crazy bitch' [woman abused by her partner and then gaslit into thinking it's her who is the problem] and he'd rather she was dead than leave him and be with someone else.

This man is bad news.

But you don't need permission from MN to bin him off. You have enough about you to make that decision yourself without our approval. Take back control of your life. You are worth more than this and can do better than this.

ShouldGoToBed · 14/11/2023 00:01

That “joke” was a hideous thing to say. Don’t see him again, your life is better without him in it.

RedToothBrush · 14/11/2023 00:02

You don't want a complicated relationship. You want a loving relationship where your would be boyfriend doesn't 'joke' about you being dead.

Lock your door and be cautious about whether you are being followed or otherwise stalked.

Catoo · 14/11/2023 01:08

I’m sorry OP. You built this meeting up into something to look forward to - it could have been fun and romantic etc.

Instead he took it for granted that you’d be into him again and said a really unpleasant and stupid thing that shattered all the ideas of how you thought it would go.

Absolutely well done for leaving and getting a taxi.

Unless there is a clear apology very soon for saying such a stupid thing along the lines of he was nervous and in the moment thought you might laugh but now realises it was a stupid thing to say, then I would grey rock and fade him out or block. If you know there was some bad intent behind this and the other things he said, and you know him best, then bin him off.

Trust yourself and if it felt wrong, it was.

💐

CircleofWillis · 14/11/2023 01:35

When you say you 'pushed him on it' do you mean that you asked him how he would feel if you died?

Original poster
Catladyireland · 14/11/2023 01:45

No @CircleofWillis I just meant I pushed him on why he said it afterwards, hoping he'd apologise and realise it wasn't funny

OP posts: