Is this my gut warning me?

[Catladyireland]

Hi Mumsnet,

Hope you're all good. This evening I met my ex boyfriend for a drink, we've been talking on the phone for a while and I was excited but I don't feel myself after meeting up. I really do love him but I was so tense and my emotions were so heightened. I met a friend afterwards who noticed I was very tense and I ended up crying. I wanted to cry during our drinks, he made one or two jokes I didn't like and I generally just feel really sad now. He wants to meet again for a coffee this weekend but I don't think I want to. He was going to drive me home but at the last minute I got a taxi and I think he felt how weird things ended.

Is this my gut telling me to not see him again? He's texting me to find out what is wrong

Yeah no...that's not a 'men' thing. It's an asshole thing.

Daniel Sloss actually does a skit where he talks about being stuck in a relationship and catching yourself thinking 'wouldn't it be easier if they just died' (so you wouldn't need to break up). But that's him talking about toxic relationships and people staying in them because they're too chickenshit to end it.

This guy should be on his best behaviour if it's over and he wants you back. Instead he's literally telling you he is contemptuous of you. He has no desire to treat you right when you get back together because he doesn't even like you. He probably just wants you back as it's easy sex and someone to tolerate his shit.

No decent person would say what he said to you.

He's not a nice person. The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being.

He's even trying to gaslight you with the 'it was just a joke' bs. Textbook mindfucking asshole.

Partners should make us feel safe, happy, supported and cherished. Not sad, tense, hurt and lonely.

Text him 'I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling it between us. I don't want any further contact. All the best and goodbye'. Then screenshot it and block him on everything once he's read it.

Tell him there is nothing wrong but you rather to not meet again. You don't own him explanation at all. Close the communication with him. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to.

Just message back, “Sorry to hear you don’t get it. However, I don’t need to die to make your life less complicated; we can just stop being in contact, which is what I think is for the best.”

Yes, that response would be excellent.

Tbh, the specifics of what he said is irrelevant really.

We weren't there for the whole interaction akd what is acceptable banter in one person's relationship is unacceptable in another's.

If you get bogged down in whether what someone said or did is OK or not you're going to get confused because there will be as many different perspectives as there are people replying.

All you need to pay attention to is how it/he makes you feel.

And he made you feel like you wanted to be out of there. So listen to that.

You’re trying to negotiate for him to be someone he’s never going to be. You’re still trying to change him.
he is showing you, and telling you, exactly who he is.
you need more space of absolutely no contact so your brain can begin to heal and see him more clearly.

we are NOT rehab centers for damaged and abusive men.

you could waste more time in your life waiting around for him to notice that the things he says are completely creepy and disgusting , or you could see him for who he is choosing to be, and just cut him off.

please be strong - for your past self, who deserved your protection, and for your future self, who deserves far better than this asshole and his insane words. Then he doubles down and says it’s a joke, and tries to belittle your feelings?

oh HELL no. He doesn’t deserve even an explanation. Cut him off cold. That kind of creep will use any little opening you give him- to keep you in an argument, to keep your attention and energy focused on him, and to get his foot in the door again.

its going to take a lot of strength at first, but give it time, op.

It was a horrible joke but sometimes people just say things off the top of their heads before they think so just let it go, op.

This man makes you unhappy, there is no point in you seeing him again it will only hurt you.

You will move on. x

The only answer to that is:
"It's only a joke if everybody's laughing. I'm not laughing, it was a horrible thing to say and I found it really offensive. Since you don't seem capable of acknowledging my feelings, then I really don't think there is any point in seeing you any more."