Is this my gut warning me?

[Catladyireland]

Hi Mumsnet,

Hope you're all good. This evening I met my ex boyfriend for a drink, we've been talking on the phone for a while and I was excited but I don't feel myself after meeting up. I really do love him but I was so tense and my emotions were so heightened. I met a friend afterwards who noticed I was very tense and I ended up crying. I wanted to cry during our drinks, he made one or two jokes I didn't like and I generally just feel really sad now. He wants to meet again for a coffee this weekend but I don't think I want to. He was going to drive me home but at the last minute I got a taxi and I think he felt how weird things ended.

Is this my gut telling me to not see him again? He's texting me to find out what is wrong

Pls help I'm 60 yrs old I was married and divorced after 21 yrs he fell out of love I was alone with my kids but in such a mess they ended up going to stay with him but saw me however the relationship with them was very damaged even when they were young my mum did more than me my parents are now both dead.
I met a guy 1o yrs younger after 3 yrs of being alone he had no real relationship history no kids was fun and kept me busy after 5 yrs he moved in and I worked very hard to re build my relationship with my now adult kids who forgave me and are brilliant
The relationship has been hard he would sulk alot at first and not speak to me he finds communication so hard and iv tried to support him his mother died over 12 yrs ago and he totally went into himself and wd get angry quiet easily I tried to get him help he refused he stopped intimacy 10 yrs ago no real explanation but it was not everything so we carried on however the arguments between us became more frequent and the lack of communication was impossible I talk to everyone I saw red flags I ignored them as I was scared to be alone I also then got massive anxiety which affected everything and things became a boiling pot I noticed when we wd go away with friends we seem to fall out over silly things I hate people knowing we were arguing and my anxiety was terrible I wd beg him to wait till home alone but once home he wd not speak to me for hours sometimes longer he would then promise it wdn happen again but it did many times
Just before my recent 60th things got recent 6oth it got so bad we were in seperate rooms my choice he reacted very badly telling to pack my bags and get out which I obs can't it's both our house now he went on the morgatge
He threw a lovley party at home even though I didn't want it due to situation but it was lovley the next morning his family were staying here and they were asleep and he was so angry telling me to f off get out I was terrified they wd hear they didn't I don't think
It's got really bad and iv said we need to spilt up as it's not healthy it's not just him I think we are not good for each other
He is in a really bad way begging me to give us a chance he will get help and iv started counselling his texts all time as he can't talk sometimes they are nice then they can be a little but n

Do you want to get back together?
But worried about being hurt
Just stop the sarcasm and get on with it.
Love is not round every corner
It takes work and maturity
I once threw c away a perfectly good man because the man before him had hurt me.

You need to started your own thread.

He sounds nasty. Relationships aren't meant to be complicated like this.

Yes always listen to your gut. Just because you liked him previously does t mean you need to now. The tears were probably a mix of disappointment and hurt at his lack of care. Consider what you need from the next person you meet and go from there.

"Complicated”’ is never a positive word to use to describe a relationship, and when it’s used to describe a person, I find it can generally be translated as “may not qualify for a personality disorder diagnosis but isn’t far off it”.

Someone telling you their life would be easier if you died is giving you a clear message to stay the hell away from them.

I really do love him but I was so tense

Leave him behind and turn your focus to you. Your life is about you.

Why do you feel that it's love, if he makes you so tense and hurts your feelings by being insensitive? Where did you learn that? What was your childhood like? Parent who made nasty jokes, maybe?

Would you call him out on the joke when saying you don't want to see him again? I'm convinced if I call him out on it, he will flip it to blame me

Just tell him it's not going to work so you had best call it quits. If he can't make you feel positive when you're trying to reconcile things, it really isn't going to work, ever.

I don't understood why you need to give a reason. You're afraid he'll twist your legitimate response in to something that makes you at fault - another great big red flag right there 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You don't want to get back together, thanks for the offer but no thank you.

Do you think that there's a right and wrong way to do this, and you're not sure which is which?

I’m kinda of the opinion that an ex is an ex for a reason and that it’s very rare that someone should be un-exed.

@Catladyireland It's not your gut. Your gut knows nothing. It's your eyes and ears and brain. Move on.

Caling him out is pointless as you now realise you can' the with this man.

I think if you really want to acknowledge it just say that you realised after your drink that you just aren't compatible, you don't find the same things funny and being together is clearly not good or fun for either of you.

Then block and move on.

That wasn't a joke, it's clearly what he believes so there's no way forward for the two of you- just tell him!
He's not right for you, he makes you sad. Have more respect for yourself

A joke should be funny and this wasn't, lt was nasty, and said deliberately to upset you.
You don't need to give him a reason, and if you call him out you invite further discussion, where no doubt he will twist the narrative or say you are being too 'sensitive'. A quick text to say thanks but no thanks, then block and move on.

He's an "ex" - you know because it didn't work out before. In the interests of a low drama life, I'd just say that things weren't working out. Calling him out won't make him a nicer person or make you feel any better either. Find somebody new.

Personally I would be blocking and not contacting you again.

The only thing you achieve by saying 'im not interested' or 'calling him out' is giving him the opportunity to screw with you head again one way or another - either to beg you to get back with him or to abuse him.

You gain nothing.

This is all about power and control. The best thing you can do to regain control is to do things on your terms - and that's block and move on.

Do not contact him again. Jokes about wishing you were dead are unhealthy and from everything you've said I get major potential stalker / harassment vibes from what he's said.

Your gut is screaming at you !
listen to her

I still expected he might apologise today and realise he was in the wrong for what he said. Trying to figure out my feelings today and I think it's mainly disappointment I feel

Even if he did apologise would you believe he was sincere? It's a very unpleasant thing that he said and not something to be set aside and forgotten about.

Maybe send a text.

'I didn't feel a spark today and won't be seeing you again. No need to reply.'
Then block.

I sent something similar to an ex after a deflating meet up.

Avoid inflicting unhappiness on yourself.

Even if he did apologise, he still said it. If someone apologises for punching you in the face, you still have a black eye. Apologising for something doesn't mean he's not the sort of person to do it.

He has form for making you feel like shit. Recognise that this isn't just about one ill-judged joke.

He texted to say it was nice to see you and I replied 'don't make jokes about wanting a woman dead to make your life simpler'. His response was 'ah come on, how could you actually be offended? It was clearly just a stupid joke.'

Men!!