Reasons men give for not wanting to marry......????????????

[desperatedora]

Just wondering really what other peoples thoughts/experiences are with this topic.

My DP and I have been together 3years and have one DS together.

Initially I was not too keen on marriage as a concept due to extremely bad exepriences of parents various marriages as a child.

However, since having DS have been wondering more and more whether marriage isnt the way to go, if only to make things easier/secure Ds's future if one of us dies.

Dp is adamant that marriage is 'pointless' and says it is 'against his beliefs'. I am not disputing that but my counter argument is that if it is insignificant why not just do it for the reasons as listed above.

It is making me wonder if maybe he does not love me in 'that way' or enough or wants to remain free at least on paper. I suppose it makes me feel less worthy somehow especially as lots of my friends are having weddings and celebrating their relationships.

Just wondered what peoples views are!

I'm not married, me and DP both agree that weddings aren't a huge deal for us, infact he doesn't really agree with them. He says he can't justify spending 15k on a dress, rings, and a party, just to say we're married and 'show' other people how much we love each other, that as long as we are happy/in love, and commited each other, and we both know that, then a piece of paper and a ring won't change that.

I have to say I agree. But part of me still wants to wear a nice big dress one day

theres nothing wrong with wanted to feel loved, you do not have to spend loads of money at all. thats also anther excuse.
if it means something to you, but nothing to him, then he should go along with it to make you happy.

But would you really want to be stood at the alter, looking at DP, knowing that he wouldn't be arsed whether he wasn't there at that moment? If I marry someone, I want them to want to marry me as much as I want to marry them - nothing else will do.

But saying that, I don't understand why people 'need' to be married to someone, paper and a ring doesn't change anything, a marriage certificate can be ripped up, a ring can be pawned, and your marriage can be annulled. Marriage doesn't make you invincible as a couple.

I have had several partners, and one failed marriage- the staus thing seems much clearer when married, not just in the eyes of the law, but also by family members. Personally couldn't bear the thought that if a loved one of mine died or needed hospital treatment that his mother would be told as next of kin rather than me.
Equally as my own marriage failed I think I worked harder to try to make a go of things than I might have done had I not been married to him. I think it can be difficult to get guys to see the longer term view and tend towards "if it ain't broke, don't try to fix it" thing where they want to keep a relationship static and not take the leap to marriage if they can help it.

A wedding is a very different thing to a marriage- if you want to celebrate your relationship and ensure that it is recognised by friends and family by having a wedding style party without the legal thing then I think that could be much fun too. But lots of women just want "their day" and if their bloke won't give it to them then its indicative of other issues.

I've been with my dp for 14 years. We've never wanted to marry each other. But we also know we are soul mates who will spend the rest of our lives together and so do our kids. That'll do for me!

Love other people's weddings though!

The big difference marriage makes is the legal situation if you split up or your partner dies. So if you choose not to marry, you do need to think about that, rememembering that there are NO rights for common-law partners in this country

My wedding cost £225, the money excuse doesn't really wash.

what beliefs exactly does your DP hold that marriage goes against?
If you marry in a register office and bypass religion then marriage:
makes you legally responsible for your spouse
makes you a single financial unit in the eyes of the law (i.e. one partner is bankrupt so the other gets a duff credit rating)
Effectively agrees between you that you are a legal and finacial partenrship and you can have each other sectioned under the mental health act...and are responsible for each others financial dealings (ie you can be made liable for your spouse's debt)
Makes you automatically eligible for a lot of your spouses money should they die intestate

Interestingly it does NOT:
give the husband care responsibilities for any child, even if his name is on the birth certificate. The care responsibility is automatically assigned to the mother

If you are not married:
if your partner dies without a will you may get nothing by law, the parents of your partner are first in the queue for inheritance.
If your partner dies suddenly without a will your child will get nothing by law
If the mother of the child dies your child will, in the eyes of the law be more likely to go to your parents than the child's father
Any divorced spouses of either of you has more entitlement to children and estate left after death than you do if you are not married.

Yes, it's true, my next door neighbours got married simply to make sure her ex never had the chance to claim the children at any point. It's not romantic but it was practical.

If your partner is really against marriage then he should at least get life insurance and make a will in you and your childs favour. That is the equivalent care demonstration without getting married.
If he is allegic to marriage frame it as "looking after the DC future" or similar.

We married as we had a child. Without marriage, if I died my DD would be likely to end up with my family unless I had made a will to the contrary. Also, now we are married my DH is elegible for all my residual pension and death in service benfits and me to his.

For us, marriage was a way of protecting us legally and financially should one of us die suddenly. It was only that, we knew we loved each other, it made no difference to us whether we were married or not, makes a hell of a difference to my child should anything happen to either of us before she is of age.

Our wedding cost very little. I got a gorgeous dress for £49.99 in River island - not a 'wedding dress' but one that really suited me and I felt much better in than I would have done a meringue. We had a party in the garden bought canapes from Waitrose and drove to France few weeks before and stocked up on gallons of cheap champagne. We hired as student to take photos of the guests during the day, no formal shots. We got married on a Friday and invited guests about three weeks before, so only those that we really liked and liked us made the effort, no distant cousin hangers on. It was a fantastic day, can genuinely look back on it having enjoyed every minute. Can't remember the exact cost, but no more that £500 absolute max. (Funnily enough a friend of mine came with her protesting boyfriend who 'didn't do weddings' and who was adament he didn't want to get married. he actually said if they could have a low key wedding like ours which was more like a party then it was a go-er - romantic - eh)and they got married the following summer.)In terms of a 'piece of paper' - we lost our peice of paper - have no idea what happened to it, but when thisng get tough - regularly - the thoguht that we would have to divorce to split actually prevents us from splitting, and tehn we reconcile. If we were not married we might well have split up by now, and would have missed some very good times.

know the feeling ddora.

dp reluctant as hes been married twice before, 'both of those were meant to last forever too', and he doesnt want me to be able to leave him and swan off with all his dosh.

i can see where hes coming from on points 1 and 2... but the dosh thing thanks a bunch!

Mildmannered Jan, we don't want to get married because... well, we feel we don't need to. Bunch of hippies, maybe. But why should going through the ritual of saying vows out loud make any difference?

We've got a joint mortgage, have both made our wills... dp is on our kids birth certificates... I've got a job and earn my own income. He has a job and earns his own income. That's all the legal protection I need thanks! Getting married just for legal protection.. in case we split up? That's a bit to me.

Nothing against anyone who feels differently and wants to be married. Just not for us!

My parents are no longer with us!

MrsGuy your wedding sounds lovely. I think I'll do the same for my next wedding .

Excuses excuses excuses

Money - doesn't have to cost £15k
It's just a piece of paper - well if its just a piece of paper why not do it.

A major problem is that women commit (emotionally and mentally) when they move in with a man but men don't commit till their married.

Men have traditionally married for sex and children and if you provide these anyway, they have no incentive to get married.

And he would have legal responsibility for them if I die, because that is what I have stipulated in my will.

11 months and 11 years mildmannered...!! Yes, they're both his... Number two was a bit of a surprise .

Go on, go and look it up in yer big book of legal stuff about not getting married...

if you can make the commitment to have a child together it should be easay to make the commitment of getting married together.

i think its nice for the whole family to have the same surname and the legal protection and also i think you get a lot more respect as a married person both male and female and you don't constantlty have top say hes not my husband hes my "partner"