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Relationships

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Original poster

Reasons men give for not wanting to marry......????????????

74 replies

desperatedora · 11/03/2008 15:26

Just wondering really what other peoples thoughts/experiences are with this topic.

My DP and I have been together 3years and have one DS together.

Initially I was not too keen on marriage as a concept due to extremely bad exepriences of parents various marriages as a child.

However, since having DS have been wondering more and more whether marriage isnt the way to go, if only to make things easier/secure Ds's future if one of us dies.

Dp is adamant that marriage is 'pointless' and says it is 'against his beliefs'. I am not disputing that but my counter argument is that if it is insignificant why not just do it for the reasons as listed above.

It is making me wonder if maybe he does not love me in 'that way' or enough or wants to remain free at least on paper. I suppose it makes me feel less worthy somehow especially as lots of my friends are having weddings and celebrating their relationships.

Just wondered what peoples views are!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/03/2008 17:09

that's whom i was thinking of as well, mmj

policywonk · 11/03/2008 17:10

Oh, I'm all for telling women that there's no such thing as common law marriage. It's astonishing how tenacious this myth is.

B1977 · 11/03/2008 17:11

Not just death to consider, also legal position in the event of bankruptcy. Also can't see if anyone has mentioned next of kin position if one of you needs consent for medical care, if not, that should also be taken into account. Think you can sort the latter out through your will though.

bookwormmum · 11/03/2008 17:12

I always thought that if a man was hedging about getting married then he really didn't love you that much. Equally so if a woman won't marry her partner.

I have been proposed to twice (whoo, me!) and accepted one out of the two. Sadly the engagement came to an abrupt end but I'm not averse to saying 'I do' to someone else in future if it felt right. I think somtimes men don't want to marry as they feel nudged into it, they want it to eb their idea. Probably also been said as well but you can't marry someone with the idea that you've caught them then or from some sort of 'obligation' (been dating 20 years or whatever). It's got to be free will .

expatinscotland · 11/03/2008 17:12

Yes, I agree, PW. A good many people still believe common law still exists, and it's important to get the word out that if you both don't want to marry, fine, but you really need to get some proper legal advice.

DeeRiguer · 11/03/2008 17:17

an echo here for yorkiegirl posts, check em out puppymonkey
funnily enough i saw thread from her today

i think the key to this is thinking differently about it
i was with dp nearly 18 or 19 years dunno and we didnt care about it,weddings and marriage and social approval blah blah
but in the end it saves alot of hassle if someone dies for remaining parent and children
so we did it in respect of that
iyswim
and it didnt change a thing we still love each other and peice of paper there if and when needed..
and it cost nothing was a great day out and meal relaxed etc..

hth

Joolyjoolyjoo · 11/03/2008 17:20

I don't really know the legal ins and outs, but my cousin was due to get married, then they got pregnant, postponed the marriage, had the baby, and then when the baby was 12 weeks old, his partner died suddenly and unexpectedly. Only then did it become a problem, as despite being named on the birth certificate, he was NOT the child's legal guardian, even though the child lived with him, and he had to pay a small fortune and go through the courts, with social services getting involved, to get legal guardianship, even although his deceased partners parents were quite happy for him to be the guardian. It was very stressful and costly, and all just because they weren't married. But as things stood, noone could have made decisions regarding the child's health, and he couldn't even get a passport for his son!

policywonk · 11/03/2008 17:22

Jooly - what a sad story. Was this two men?

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/03/2008 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

policywonk · 11/03/2008 17:24

Oh sorry, think I misread your post.

milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 17:28

i honestly think you get more respect from others when you are married, and at least you don't have to keep fending off so when are you going to make an honest woman of her etc etc

although some men perhaps just can't be assed with the hassle and prefer to put on a jack the lad image with their mates.

Twiglett · 11/03/2008 17:29

In the current legal framework I am really surprised at people with children not marrying .. even if it's just heading down to the registry office with a couple of witnesses and no pomp and circumstance

having seen a few relationships break down I have to say that no matter how long you are together or how many children you have, without the legal framework of marriage the main carer of the children is totally farked

you don't get next of kin privileges
you don't have any rights to the home if your name isn't on the deeds as 50%
you have little right to financial support

and even if the relationship does survive and one of you dies the other will incur a tax penalty and other issues

until the law is changed do not for a second believe you are in the same position as a non-married counterpart .. there is no such thing as common-law husband and wife!

JeremyVile · 11/03/2008 17:33

Milkgoddess, you sound like you know far too many people who would be at home in a 70s sitcom.
I am not married,
I am still respected because I am a respectable person - with or without a ring on my finger and my relationship is viewed as being as valid as any other.

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/03/2008 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 11/03/2008 20:07

I am married, but I use my 'maiden' name for everything except money. My passport is still in my unmarried name (even tho' the married one is actually nicer). This is partly because we lost the marriage certificate (if we ever even had it?) and the bank was the only institution that needed only a gas bill to change. (And the gas company needed nothing [grin ]) I have absolutely no idea whether I get more or less 'respect' being married BUT - it is a statement of permanence. When DH & I met, I had no thoughts of marriage. He said about an hour after we met that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I knew as soon as I had spent one night with him (BEFORE our first date ) that I could happily never sleep with anyone else but him again in my life...) So, why would we not marry?

PuppyMonkey · 11/03/2008 20:07

Don't worry everyone, I certainly know I ain't common!! ...

LoveMyGirls · 11/03/2008 20:41

We've been together 6 years, he says he will ask me when he is ready (wants it to be a suprise - it can hardly be a suprise now i've been expecting it for at least 3 years, since we planned dd2, since dd2 was born and so on)

Question to those of you in the know - dd1 isn't legally his and i have no will even if we marry if I die without a will, would dp get custody of both children or do i have to have a will for that to happen?

We rent and the house is in my name, we have no money only debt, all debt is in his name.

Would we be better off if we were married?

bookwormmum · 11/03/2008 21:50

LoveMyGirls - a marriage would probably invalidate any will in existence. You have to make new wills if you marry.

You can make a will and nominate him as their guardian if you don't want to marry in the meanwhile.

LoveMyGirls · 11/03/2008 21:54

What if i don't want to make a will? Does everyone have to have a will?

bookwormmum · 11/03/2008 22:13

No a will is optional but it's a way of making sure that you've sorted out who gets what in the event of your death plus it can save you a hefty tax bill .

B1977 · 12/03/2008 00:18

Also pensions can be really f'd up if your DP dies the pension trustees would be more likely to share it out between ex-wives than you - you could put various arguments to explain the situation but legal fees could eat it all up for you.

Make sure you have your own pension arrangements.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/03/2008 00:26

Policywonk- reread my post and realised it DOES sound like two guys, but actually a he and a she!! Sorry for the confusion!

madamez · 12/03/2008 01:05

SOme people have objections to the institution of marriage because of its history of being about ownership etc. If someone doesn't want to get married, then their feelings and opinions are just as valid as those of someone who does want to get married. It is a difficult situation when one partner in a coupole does want to and the other one does not, and I do agree that it would be a good idea to check that all the relevant legal protections are in place, but marriage isn't compulsory, nor is it really actually necessary if you don't want to do it.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 13/03/2008 20:22

Had lunch yesterday with an acquaintance I had met through work and ho turned out to be extremely interesting. She has been with her boyfriend for 40 years, since she was 15. He was/still is (!) married and in those days there had to e a reason for divorce - pre the days of 'no fault' and his wife refused to divorce him. Luckily my fiend as she now is!) was not bothered about the marriage status, did not want a wedding, and also significantly did not want children. And they HAVE lived happliy ever after, adn are still very much in love.
If both want the same thing (marriage or co-habitation, children ) - recipe for bliss - if different - stating the beelding obvious - will lead to frustration and dissension.

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