Splitting up - would you tell the kids before or after Christmas?

[Memor]

Sadly DH and I are splitting up - it is mutual and amicable. We have two DC (early teens). For various reasons we can't tell them in the next couple of weeks, so are now looking at either early Dec or early Jan, after Christmas - which would you choose, and why?

We will be spending Christmas together regardless, no-one will be moving out immediately, and we already sleep separately for context. There is a plan in place for finances, housing etc, and no other parties involved.

I'd delay informing them until after Christmas and wait to tell them until someone is moving out. I think it'll be too confusing for them to be told now whilst youre still living together. Make a time line of separation with the view of separate accommodation by Feb half term. Let them enjoy Christmas, they shouldn't have to carry the burden of your decision.

I'd just tell them when I knew. I certainly wouldn't keep it a secret for weeks. A couple of days to figure out how to say things is fine. But unless there's a death in the family atm there's no other reason not to tell them ASAP imo.

Teenagers generally really don't like finding out they've been lied too. And keeping a secret for weeks... not wise. Probably not healthy for you to do either.

Even say...if I had an exam resit coming up I'd still want my parents to keep me in the loop with something like this. I wouldn't want coddling, I'd want honesty.

We kept it secret until after DD’s exams in January, from formally separating in November. It was bloody hard but we managed to stay civil with each other and not cause DD extra stress.

I mean, could you imagine the drama if they had no idea...and some drunk relative let's it slip on Christmas day! Just be honest with your kids. It might make it harder for you but it's vetter than them feeling betrayed af when they find out that you guys sat and had Christmas together, playing happy families with them, fooling them that everything was alright.

Honesty is the best policy with older children… and it sounds like you’ve been quite level headed about it all. They will probably take your lead and have maybe even been more perceptive than you think too.

I tell them as soon and possible then model a civil Christmas where you aren’t romantically together but are co parenting which I think will be very reassuring.

I would tell them asap. I think honesty is the best policy. And they will be able to see that you are being civil and able to be amicable about it. This will bode well for family dynamics down the line.

I dont know how old they are exactly, but anything above 13 I would tell immediately. Teenagers hate to be lied at, they will look back at Christmas thinking it was all a lie. It will just make things more difficult.

Can't agree with this and I don't like the line about carrying the burden...that comes across as a little harsh towards the OP.

I think protecting our kids sometimes has to come in the form of letting them experience things and talking them through it even though it's tough. Being there for them to ask questions etc...

You don't want to lose the trust of a teen at this age as they need to know you are someone they can turn to, to have their back. Yes they might be mad to find out you are spitting but let's face it, teenerges general mode is often: mad. Mad teenager mode is better than mad teenager mode that also doesn't trust you or respect you anymore.

Thanks everyone. Seems mostly consensus that best to tell sooner rather than later. I was just worried it would cast a shadow over Christmas/they would associate Christmas with us splitting up… 😢

It doesn’t feel like lying not to tell them (I guess lying by omission) but I take the point that they could find out another way/from someone else, which would be terrible.

Before

My parents told me afterwards it was fucking horrendous ruined Christmas for me the cracks were obvious

To this day I don't like Christmas I find it difficult disappointing and stressful 😕

But if you do it early December and are spending Xmas together, you’ll be able to show your children that despite separating mum and dad will still get on, there will be no drama and their lives are going to be ok.

Whether you tell them before or after, they will still associate Christmas with you splitting up.

Do you think they will be surprised? I remember my best friend sobbing and sobbing because her parents kept arguing and then eventually they told her they were separating she was very matter of fact. I think in the end she was almost relieved not to have the agony of living in such a tense household any longer.

You might want to make plans not to “fake” Christmas all together whatever you do it will be looked back on as a sham.
Maybe he takes to his family on Xmas Eve and they all stay there then you collect them and take them to see your family on Christmas Day.

Thank you @Theunamedcat it’s helpful to hear from the child’s perspective, but so sorry you went through that 😞

That’s exactly what I want to avoid, Christmas being associated with splitting up. It seems like there’s never a good time, but I take the point about showing that there’s no drama - that feels really important.

It will ruin Christmas for them to find out a week or two later that it was all a sham. They're old enough to work that out.

Doesn't matter if you don't feel like you're lying - they will feel lied to and it will damage your relationships.

I fear you’re right @MissusNiceGuy - would you suggest delaying until Feb or something then? That is an option I guess. Or doing it now maybe if we can. I don’t want to ruin Christmas for them, obviously.

I don’t see it as being a ‘sham’ really though - we get on well as friends, we’re just not romantic/life partners anymore. We coparent well, we don’t argue.

It's not about how you see it, it's about how they will see it.

My parents split up 10 days before Christmas and I left to go and live with my Mum and sister at my Nan's the very same day, out of the blue. It doesn't matter when you tell them, as long as you never, ever make them feel guilty about loving the other parent and keep your disputes out of their way so they never need to know about them.

Our parents divorce was so bitter and vindictive and they never hid their hatred of each other from us. Good way to mess your kids up.

In your case OP, it all sounds amicable and civil, so maybe tell them now or as soon as possible and tell them together and show you're on good terms. It's great that you're civil enough to share Christmas. I had to split Christmas day between houses from the age of 10 and it was miserable.

Which is why I'd tell them in the next week or so. Give them time to get their heads straight before Xmas.

Tell them immediately, ie now, don’t wait. And do not let them experience a forced parents splitting up Christmas. As a child these things done the wrong way haunt you in your later years.

We will be spending Christmas together regardless, no-one will be moving out immediately, and we already sleep separately for context.

100% wait until after Xmas.
I’m shocked anyone would say any different!

You’re planning to spend Christmas all together anyway, so why tell them beforehand and make them worry about the future.

I would rather my child be annoyed that I didn’t tell them straight away than ruin their Christmas or have them worrying about the future.

Kids don’t need to know everything.
There are certain things parents should protect them from unless absolutely necessary.

My parents managed a “worst of both worlds” of waiting months then telling me just before Christmas (reason being I’d been studying away from home and they didn’t want to tell me until I got back). It was bloody awful and I think it irretrievably damaged my relationship with my parents. I understand what they were trying to do but I was really affected by the lack of honesty, plus giving me no time to deal with the news (everyone else but me had know for ages so had processed it to some degree and I was just expected to immediately ‘catch up’ and put a smile on my face for Christmas).

In your case I think there’s definitely a strong case for telling them sooner rather than later - however - if it is truly an amicable separation of ways and there is NO chance they’ll find out/guess earlier, then I do think there is an argument to be made for waiting until after Christmas. However much you try to reassure them I feel like if they know beforehand it is going to be tinged with sadness that this will be their last “normal” Christmas.

If however, you think they will sense that “something is up” or it will be very obvious that you’ve been keeping the information from them if you wait until January, then I think honesty is the best policy.

I don't think there is ever a best time. One of the many questions my 9 year old had was "when did you decide to split up?" How would you answer that if you decide to postpone telling them until Jan or Feb?

Your children are older, you sleep in separate rooms, it sounds like a mutual decision, you've got a plan for housing etc (you have answers to some of their questions). If you can tell them at start of Dec/late Nov then I think it's the best option here.

Many people co-parent successfully. It doesn't have to be hostile and when your children see you behaving civilly and respectfully it will be more tolerable for them. This may not be the last family Christmas together, you may get together for celebrations etc. We do.

Separation is a heartbreaking change to family dynamics. We waited months before telling our child and the stress of knowing it was coming was very difficult. I think honesty is the best policy in your situation.

But you need to be prepared for various scenarios. They may have many questions and they will have a say in how they will live - what if one or both say they want to live with the other parent? You have to let them feel like they have some control over this.

Good luck. I hope it goes ok. I found the Co-parenting Handbook very helpful.

They're not six years old. You're not going to ruin the Magic of Childhood Christmas for them. Tell them now.