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Original poster

Splitting up - would you tell the kids before or after Christmas?

76 replies

Memor · 12/11/2023 16:09

Sadly DH and I are splitting up - it is mutual and amicable. We have two DC (early teens). For various reasons we can't tell them in the next couple of weeks, so are now looking at either early Dec or early Jan, after Christmas - which would you choose, and why?

We will be spending Christmas together regardless, no-one will be moving out immediately, and we already sleep separately for context. There is a plan in place for finances, housing etc, and no other parties involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 08:19

@FrenchandSaunders well yes this was my fear - but the alternative is to do it after Christmas, which is a bit bleak too. We’ve put it off a lot - birthdays, holidays etc. It is only November and we are going to try make Christmas nice regardless. But yes this has been holding me back.

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 19/11/2023 08:25

Memor · 19/11/2023 08:11

Hi @fairymary87 yes I think one of them in particular basically knows. The other I think knows something is up. I’m glad you were relieved. Hopefully we can tell them in a positive way and there will be some sense of relief (amongst the upset I’m sure).

Honestly it'll hang over Christmas, and they might lash out at you eventually in some way. If they have an idea or are aware it's so so frustrating as it's all fake. My DH parents, didn't tell him and his brother for like a year, and there environment and attempts to keep it up was not nice. They ended up argumentative etc. (they were older teens too). They'll be upset and hurt etc, but they'll love that you're going to keep things like Christmas a family celebration etc. it'll be weird the first one. Trust me, on that! but they won't feel like you're keeping secrets etc. it also will keep that trust you both built with the teens. Just make sure you express it's not there fault and how much you love them. XXXX

category12 · 19/11/2023 08:32

Given you're rowing and they're at the point of wondering if you're going to divorce already, you need to treat them respectfully as young people, and tell them that yes, you are going to divorce and how you think it will look.

Trying to fake it through Christmas is just disrespectful at this point.

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 08:35

@category12 yes you’re right.

To be honest we really don’t usually argue at all. I think it’s partly the tension of telling them/deciding whether to tell them.

OP posts:
TsunamiPam · 19/11/2023 08:38

Before. They'll pick up on your weird energy and you'll be stressed trying to pretend to be happy families.

booktokbear · 19/11/2023 08:39

How did you answer the question divorce? Probably best to just get it done today no really.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/11/2023 08:46

It doesn't sound like you'd even be able to fake it through Christmas from your more recent updates. They aren't little kids and they need you to be honest with them. I think they'll only resent it later if it's obvious they've been lied to.

HoratiaTipperlong · 19/11/2023 08:47

Agree with PP who say you should wait. My ex husband and I waited until after various big family events, though we had known we were separating and had made all the practical plans long before that.

Nobody else was involved in our separation, and we did Christmases and the children's birthdays together until our youngest child was over 18.

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 19/11/2023 08:48

ElliePhant28 · 12/11/2023 21:59

I don't think there is ever a best time. One of the many questions my 9 year old had was "when did you decide to split up?" How would you answer that if you decide to postpone telling them until Jan or Feb?

Your children are older, you sleep in separate rooms, it sounds like a mutual decision, you've got a plan for housing etc (you have answers to some of their questions). If you can tell them at start of Dec/late Nov then I think it's the best option here.

Many people co-parent successfully. It doesn't have to be hostile and when your children see you behaving civilly and respectfully it will be more tolerable for them. This may not be the last family Christmas together, you may get together for celebrations etc. We do.

Separation is a heartbreaking change to family dynamics. We waited months before telling our child and the stress of knowing it was coming was very difficult. I think honesty is the best policy in your situation.

But you need to be prepared for various scenarios. They may have many questions and they will have a say in how they will live - what if one or both say they want to live with the other parent? You have to let them feel like they have some control over this.

Good luck. I hope it goes ok. I found the Co-parenting Handbook very helpful.

I was all set to say ‘wait, tell them after Christmas’ but actually unless you wait until March or something and fudge it by saying it had been coming for a while but no decisions made, it will be clear Christmas was fake anyway, which might be worse

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 19/11/2023 08:50

Sorry, just read Al your updates. The children basically know. Please tell them asap

Dontjudgeme101 · 19/11/2023 08:57

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 19/11/2023 08:50

Sorry, just read Al your updates. The children basically know. Please tell them asap

This op 100%. 💐💐💐

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 09:18

Yes I do worry almost more about the impact on them if we don’t tell them now.

I read something (on here maybe) about kids suffering more from secrets/a sense of tension that they can’t place.

I couldn’t answer the questions properly last night and it was horrible.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 19/11/2023 09:22

All the best to you in telling them @Memor just bite the bullet and do it. Don’t take them out somewhere as you need the kids to be able to react as they feel in a genuine way. Agree beforehand with your husband who speaks first and who answers questions and agree to not undermine the other. Let the kids be upset, it’s okay to feel sad. It is sad. But it’s less sad that them being in a broken home that is glued together and false. And as you’ve found, being not honest feels awful to live with.

3teens2cats · 19/11/2023 09:23

I was a teen when my parents split up. I can only speak from my own experience. I was angry with both of them and an event like Christmas was irrelevant. I felt my childhood was over and things would never be the same again. Had my parents tried to pretend this would have made it worse.
What I wanted was honesty about what was going to happen. I didn't want to hear bad stuff about the other parent, I didn't want to be confided in. Just honest, practical conversations with no promises that couldn't be kept.
What I got were parents who were hurting and wrapped up in their own pain.
Tell them now. Be honest.
Just to add everything was okay in the end but it took about a year for everything to settle down and to reestablish relationships with both of them as individuals.

PattyDukeAstin · 19/11/2023 09:28

Treat them with a bit of respect and tell them. Stop making such a huge thing about Christmas - honesty is more important. However from your responses it is clear that you want to do it after Christmas - your choice.

cmaalofshit · 19/11/2023 09:41

I think that now one of them seems to have guessed you absolutely have to tell them now, this week and whatever the reasons are for you not wanting to tell them in the couple of weeks you still need to do it.
No time is a good time for news like that but it will make them a lot more anxious worrying about whether you are going to split up or not because they sense that something isn't right.

If you tell them now you have 4 weeks until Christmas. That's enough time for them to start coming to terms with it and still be able to enjoy Christmas even though it's going to be a bit different from now on. Let them know now how Christmas is going to play out - so if you plan on still having Christmas all together, let them know.
I'd probably even tell them the rough plans for the New Year too - such as the nesting idea and then looking for your own homes.

category12 · 19/11/2023 10:47

Memor · 19/11/2023 09:18

Yes I do worry almost more about the impact on them if we don’t tell them now.

I read something (on here maybe) about kids suffering more from secrets/a sense of tension that they can’t place.

I couldn’t answer the questions properly last night and it was horrible.

Have an honest conversation as a family today. It's OK to say you don't know yet to some questions.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/11/2023 11:11

I get that you don't want to cause them distress, no parent does, but this is an inevitably distressing situation even when it's well handled. You can't protect them from feeling sad about the breakup but what you can do for them is be honest and answer their questions as best you can.

It would be completely different if they were oblivious small children who would just focus on the magic of Christmas and not connect the dots and realise that it wasn't real. That's not the situation here though.

Jackiebrambles · 19/11/2023 11:22

Please tell them now Op, they are old enough and deserve your honesty. It’s over a month til Christmas!

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 11:49

Just to update we told them. One very upset, one seemingly absolutely fine. I’m aware this can change and just want to be here for them however I can be.

OP posts:
ElliePhant28 · 19/11/2023 12:20

@Memor I hope you look back one day and realise this was the best decision. It's a very unpleasant time. You all need time to process what is going on. I hope the next few months are peaceful. Good luck x

NigelHarmansNewWife · 19/11/2023 16:14

I think it was for the best. They'll need to process the news, if in fact it is news to them. Keep the lines of communication open.

ReadySalty · 19/11/2023 16:26

Assuming that you won't have a house full of drunken loose lipped relatives this Christmas, I would wait until someone is actually moving out. Let them enjoy the bliss of Ignorance for as long as you can.

Foxblue · 19/11/2023 16:40

Well done OP.
November is not Christmas, and unless you mention Christmas or you are one of those families who starts hyping your kids up for Christmas starting November first, it won't ruin it for them at all, especially if you can put on a united amicable front through December. Best of luck to you all.

gannett · 19/11/2023 16:43

Memor · 19/11/2023 09:18

Yes I do worry almost more about the impact on them if we don’t tell them now.

I read something (on here maybe) about kids suffering more from secrets/a sense of tension that they can’t place.

I couldn’t answer the questions properly last night and it was horrible.

I think this is absolutely correct. Teenagers hate being lied to (directly or by omission) more than anything, and that also leaves deeper scars.

You did the right thing. It wasn't going to be nice news or a happy conversation regardless of when you had it but you showed them respect by being honest, and they'll be thankful for that down the line.