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Original poster

Splitting up - would you tell the kids before or after Christmas?

76 replies

Memor · 12/11/2023 16:09

Sadly DH and I are splitting up - it is mutual and amicable. We have two DC (early teens). For various reasons we can't tell them in the next couple of weeks, so are now looking at either early Dec or early Jan, after Christmas - which would you choose, and why?

We will be spending Christmas together regardless, no-one will be moving out immediately, and we already sleep separately for context. There is a plan in place for finances, housing etc, and no other parties involved.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 12/11/2023 22:28

I found that once I had told my teens we were splitting up, they wanted to move on to the next phase and not stay in limbo with 2 separated parents living in the same house.

Not sure what that means for you timing wise.

I'm also not sure that a joint xmas is a good precedent to set for the future.

They will be perfectly fine with xmas with one parent one year and then the other the year after... If necessary you can even do 2 xmas days.

Good luck! 💪

FrogLion · 12/11/2023 22:59

We told our 2 boys, ages 11 and 8, middle of October, husband will move out start of December. We talk about it, boys have time to ask questions of either of us. We're still civil and get on well, but I wasn't happy. We've still some arrangements to sort out after Christmas, but the boys know we still love them, and so far nothing has changed for them yet. It's a big change for everyone, so we're not rushing just preparing for the next step as it arrives. I wouldn't wait, it feels like lying, once I'd decided I wasn't happy, I had to tell my husband straight away. Once he'd had a chance to process it, we told the boys. It's not easy, be prepared for lots of 'why?'s . Good luck.

PumpkinFence · 12/11/2023 23:11

jamaisjedors · 12/11/2023 22:28

I found that once I had told my teens we were splitting up, they wanted to move on to the next phase and not stay in limbo with 2 separated parents living in the same house.

Not sure what that means for you timing wise.

I'm also not sure that a joint xmas is a good precedent to set for the future.

They will be perfectly fine with xmas with one parent one year and then the other the year after... If necessary you can even do 2 xmas days.

Good luck! 💪

I’m going to disagree with this and say I’ve seen a divorced couple co-parent beautifully, they do Christmas and birthdays together. And holidays. If the parents get on and can be civil then why would you not try it? Far better than shuttling between houses of seeing parents not speak and parents that think they’re being fine, but subtling slagging off the other parent and making the kids feel they have to choose/amend behaviour in both houses

Copperoliverbear · 12/11/2023 23:36

After Christmas

Sashya · 13/11/2023 00:01

@Memor

We waited. Especially if you are OK and amicable - and H is not moving out on the 26th - there is no reason to rush it.

It's not about lying to them. Your relationship as adults is yours. Yes, you are a family too - but teenagers also understand your relationship as grownups.

We waited until early Feb. By then H has purchased his place but was not yet moving - so we could tell the kids what will happen with logistics, etc.

There is absolutely nothing to gain by telling the kids now. Christmas will be more sad and awkward than necessary.

altmember · 13/11/2023 00:38

They're teenagers not toddlers. Tell them sooner otherwise when they find out and realise that their happy family Christmas was a sham they'll resent you for lying and it may well cause deeper emotional scarring.

LaurieStrode · 13/11/2023 00:45

After.

pizzaHeart · 13/11/2023 00:55

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/11/2023 16:24

I tell them as soon and possible then model a civil Christmas where you aren’t romantically together but are co parenting which I think will be very reassuring.

This^

LaurieStrode · 13/11/2023 01:24

Sashya · 13/11/2023 00:01

@Memor

We waited. Especially if you are OK and amicable - and H is not moving out on the 26th - there is no reason to rush it.

It's not about lying to them. Your relationship as adults is yours. Yes, you are a family too - but teenagers also understand your relationship as grownups.

We waited until early Feb. By then H has purchased his place but was not yet moving - so we could tell the kids what will happen with logistics, etc.

There is absolutely nothing to gain by telling the kids now. Christmas will be more sad and awkward than necessary.

Exactly. Very well said.

Original poster
Memor · 13/11/2023 09:06

Wow, quite a range of responses now. Thank you all, much food for thought. I guess I am leaning towards what @Sashya wrote at the moment - but am going to think more and discuss with DH.

OP posts:
CroccyWoccy · 13/11/2023 16:35

ElliePhant28 · 12/11/2023 21:59

I don't think there is ever a best time. One of the many questions my 9 year old had was "when did you decide to split up?" How would you answer that if you decide to postpone telling them until Jan or Feb?

Your children are older, you sleep in separate rooms, it sounds like a mutual decision, you've got a plan for housing etc (you have answers to some of their questions). If you can tell them at start of Dec/late Nov then I think it's the best option here.

Many people co-parent successfully. It doesn't have to be hostile and when your children see you behaving civilly and respectfully it will be more tolerable for them. This may not be the last family Christmas together, you may get together for celebrations etc. We do.

Separation is a heartbreaking change to family dynamics. We waited months before telling our child and the stress of knowing it was coming was very difficult. I think honesty is the best policy in your situation.

But you need to be prepared for various scenarios. They may have many questions and they will have a say in how they will live - what if one or both say they want to live with the other parent? You have to let them feel like they have some control over this.

Good luck. I hope it goes ok. I found the Co-parenting Handbook very helpful.

I think in the OP's situation there's a reasonable answer which is just a slight white lie of "we've been thinking about it for a while but we wanted to wait until we'd come to a final decision and could answer your questions about how things are going to change before we told you".

As I said earlier this assumes that everything is truly amicable and there's no undercurrents that DC are likely to pick up on.

SeasonalBlue · 13/11/2023 23:14

My ex did it just before Christmas and it ruined everything. I really think it should have been done after Christmas.

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 07:01

Well we had an argument last night that DC overheard (not massive just a disagreement) and one of the DC kept asking if we were getting divorced 😞
So that may have forced our hand sadly, but at least now is not ‘just before Christmas’, and we will try as hard as we can not to argue anymore.

OP posts:
Screwyeeeeeeeew · 19/11/2023 07:22

My parents split 9 days before Christmas when I was a teen. It was awful back then but it hasn’t affected me as an adult.

so sorry to hear you’re getting a divorce though. You sound so strong.

SmokeWithoutFire · 19/11/2023 07:50

Memor · 19/11/2023 07:01

Well we had an argument last night that DC overheard (not massive just a disagreement) and one of the DC kept asking if we were getting divorced 😞
So that may have forced our hand sadly, but at least now is not ‘just before Christmas’, and we will try as hard as we can not to argue anymore.

Once the decision is made, and communicated, and you can be open about it, I found it takes a lot of the pressure off, and it's much easier to be polite and reasonable. You can also start to demonstrate co-parenting to the kids, and how the future might be for them once someone moves out.

Before your update this morning I was going to join the camp of tell them now. Their memory of Christmas otherwise will be fakeness and lies.

(I'm both divorced, and child of divorce).

AuntieStella · 19/11/2023 07:53

I would do it now. It's not even Advent yet

Put it off and yes you might taint Christmas. But in the middle of November, no you won't

AuntieStella · 19/11/2023 07:55

Also, get on with someone moving out

Putting it off won't help anything

If you have to wait for the house to sell, is it on the market and is it priced realistically?

mostlydrinkstea · 19/11/2023 08:02

It's the middle of November. Christmas is five weeks away. Tell them now and be honest about not having a fully worked out plan. They are teenagers and not tinies. I guessed that the final Christmas might be the last one. There was something off and my now ex walked out at the end of January. It is really hard to fool people. Crack on and get it out in the open.

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 08:04

Thanks all. Yes @SmokeWithoutFire i think the tension of not telling them is making it worse.

@AuntieStella we are now going to be ‘nesting’ initially, prob from January, then separate houses within six months hopefully.

OP posts:
user1471447924 · 19/11/2023 08:04

I was going to tell say you need to tell them now, even before your update about one directly asking. Now you have to tell them now, otherwise they won’t just feel lied to, they will be BEING lied to.

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 08:06

@user1471447924 yes it’s horrible I agree. In fact DC was saying we should divorce, then saying please don’t divorce… no good at all 😢 I wish we hadn’t waited so long as we have tbh.

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 19/11/2023 08:07

They probably already know, as an older teen I knew my parents were splitting up and was so relived when they told me. Be honest to them please. There not babies anymore. They'll respect you more x

Original poster
Memor · 19/11/2023 08:11

Hi @fairymary87 yes I think one of them in particular basically knows. The other I think knows something is up. I’m glad you were relieved. Hopefully we can tell them in a positive way and there will be some sense of relief (amongst the upset I’m sure).

OP posts:
NigelHarmansNewWife · 19/11/2023 08:12

Just tell them. There are already signs they are picking up on. But make it clear that Christmas together with the kids doesn't mean you are getting back together as a couple.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/11/2023 08:14

Surely Xmas will be shit if you tell them before. They’ll associate Xmas with this for years. Id wait until you had a clear idea of when DH/you would be leaving the family home.

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