Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never invited back

62 replies

Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:30

Okay, so this has been winding me up for a while now and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable?
DD has had a “best friend” for a number of years now (since reception and now in y5). The girls get on so well. They have other friends but count each other as best friends. They can have their fall outs but over in minutes and are back bosom buddies soon after.
So what’s my issue? My DD is NEVER invited to her friends house (or to see her outside of school at all) and it’s starting to get her down (she’s recently started expressing her disappointment at not getting to go to her house). The other girl comes to us about once a week for tea and to play. It’s never reciprocated. Ever. So for the past 6 years, she’s set foot in her house once for about 5 minutes when she needed to pick something her friend had borrowed.
I’m starting to get pissed off. Myself and my partner work full time, 5 days a week and we have other children (3). Friends parents don’t work, and although have another child, seem to do naff all with their time. But for context, I find her mum pleasant and will stop and chat to her when I see her.
Am I right to be getting annoyed with this now? Why is it always down to us? Or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 11/11/2023 19:36

Dome parents don't do* playdates. Simple!

MintGreenPolo · 11/11/2023 19:38

Maybe she’s picked up on how judgey you are?

Original poster
Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:47

How exactly am I judgemental Because I commented how they don’t work?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 11/11/2023 19:50

Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:47

How exactly am I judgemental Because I commented how they don’t work?

Friends parents don’t work, and although have another child, seem to do naff all with their time

Forestdweller11 · 11/11/2023 19:51

Maybe they hate their house. Broken toilet,. Don't do any housework. Can't afford snacks, are hoarders, drug factory in front room. Loads of reasons why they don't reciprocate .

Original poster
Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:57

Yep. So judgemental.

OP posts:
MrsFawkes · 11/11/2023 19:58

My DD had a best friend when at primary school. They were joined at the hip. The friend spent long periods of time at our house, especially during holidays. Sleep overs and full days with us.
It never bothered me.

I loved that little girl like my own. My DD was happy and hearing them laughing and playing together brought me joy. It never crossed my mind to think of a reciprocation. My DD never went to her house. So what!

Sunshineismyfavourite · 11/11/2023 20:01

There are so many reasons why they may not do playdates. I agree with PP that there may be problems with their house or they could have OCD and don't want people in the house. I had a friend like this as a child - her Mum had OCD and I was only in her house once in years and she bought me slippers to wear for the hour I was at their house. Also do you really know that they do nothing with their time? Could they have wider family commitments? If your DD is happy with her friend and her friend is a good friend to your DD then please ignore your negative thoughts about her parents and nurture this relationship - it's not the child's fault is it?

Pinkbonbon · 11/11/2023 20:04

You like having random kids in your house? Great. They don't. Boundaries are a fantastic thing and we all get to have our own.

HamsterBanana · 11/11/2023 20:06

Clearly they don't want random kids in their house, nothing wrong with that and nothing to do with the fact they don't work.

Nellieinthebarn · 11/11/2023 20:07

I was brought up in a hoarding situation. I was too embarrassed to have friends back to my house. But I was incredibly grateful to be invited to friends houses and spend time in clean tidy 'normal' environments.

Isheabastard · 11/11/2023 20:09

There might be all sorts of reasons from just being lazy to something you can’t imagine being a problem.

There could be problems like one or other of the parents has depression, phobias, OCD. There’s a hoarding problem or the other child has special needs. If neither work, they may be on benefits for a good reason, but the house is a mess, or the complete opposite.

You say the mum is nice, but it may be the father that has a problem.

The only thing you can do is to either ask the other mum outright to host a play date, or just accept you are always the one who will end up doing the hosting. Perhaps you can look at it another way. The little friend may get less play dates because other parents have got fed up with the lack of reciprocal play dates. You and your Dd could be the only ones left that she gets regularly invited to.

I agree it’s annoying. I’ve lived in the same village for 30 years. They’re one couple that goes to everyone else’s bbq, parties, dinners etc, and never, ever hosts anything back. There will always be someone like this in whatever group you are in.

Londonscallingme · 11/11/2023 20:09

I get why this might be annoying but there is nothing you can do about it. I would continue to do what is best did your DD and keep inviting her friend round. To stop would be punishing the kids. Try to put it out your mind.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/11/2023 20:11

I don't reciprocate playdates with DS's friends because we don't have room in our house for anyone else. Literally our living room does not fit a sofa. It has the footprint of a 1-bed and the landlord crammed 2 bedrooms into it with unicorns and wishes and we can't afford anything better. Thankfully DS's friends' parents totally get that not everyone can reciprocate and they don't keep score.

Dacadactyl · 11/11/2023 20:14

If they don't work but are otherwise not ill/disabled, I suspect their house is an absolute tip.

If they're ill and don't work, it could be too much to have another child round all the time.

Either way I'd be doing less playdates at yours cos I think it's taking the mick to always have their child at yours on a weekly basis without reciprocating.

PixiePirate · 11/11/2023 20:17

I’d feel the same as you OP.

If you feel able to say to the mum that ‘DD has asked if she could play at BF’s house next week’, I’d do that. If you don’t feel comfortable doing so, or BF’s mum says no/makes excuses, I’d suggest meeting at the park or would cut back a bit on the invitations to yours.

I realise there may be a multitude of reasons why BF’s parents can’t/won’t host, but that doesn’t mean you have to suck up the time and expense of hosting all the time if you don’t want to.

Vinrouge4 · 11/11/2023 20:21

Yes. You need to get a grip. You don’t know what is going on in their lives. They might have all sorts of reasons why they don’t want to invite children to their home.

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 20:22

The old Mumsnet tally chart raises its ugly head again. If your child likes having her friend round, invite her. If she doesn't-don't.

DyslexicPoster · 11/11/2023 20:26

I live in very posh area in a workers cottage. People judge, therefore I don't like hosting play dates.

MayThe4th · 11/11/2023 20:29

To the people who say that maybe the parents don’t want random kids in their house, that’s all very well, as long as they’re prepared for the possibility that other parents may have the same idea and as such their children may never have friends.

Clearly the only reason this child has friends outside of school is because another parent, i.e. the OP in this case, facilitates it. Without the OP she would likely be lonely.

So it would annoy me in so much as I would feel sorry for the child who ever has friends round to play for whatever reason.

theduchessofspork · 11/11/2023 20:33

Could be all sorts of reasons, but I’d be inclined to think it’s something not great (poverty, mental or physical illness etc). Or maybe they don’t like kids.

Anyway it’s a small thing to give a child what may well be an important outlet, so suck it up with grace, and explain to your daughter that there might be all sorts of reasons neither of you can know, but isn’t it great her friend can come to her house.

Be the grown up and set a good example

theduchessofspork · 11/11/2023 20:37

BTW I somewhat doubt your daughter is upset she doesn’t get to go to her friends house - kids tend to accept things as they are - she is most likely picking it up from you.

2chocolateoranges · 11/11/2023 20:42

This other little girl could have been my niece many years ago, she was invited to friends houses but never ever invited friends to her house as her parents relationship was volatile, alcoholic parent and not enough money to decorate etc.

please don’t give up on this friendship if it makes your dd happy. This other little girl could have lots of issues in her life that outsiders don’t know about.

im so glad my nieces friends and parents were there for my niece.

iutiut · 11/11/2023 20:42

I am a SAHM with 2 kids and I dont usually invite other kids to our house for play dates.

I can only speak from my own experiences. First reason is that we live in a small house and DH work from home full time. Both my kids are very energetic and it does feel crowded once we have more kids home.

Secondly, being a SAHM doesnt mean I sit there and have nothing to do all day. I honestly feel tired already with my own kids everyday. They have after school clubs/lessons as well as some extra learning with me at home ( music and language).

Thirdly, this is hard to explain, but I dont like or am not good at talking / communicating with other kids. This is partly because of my personality and partly because English isnt my 1st language. I feel its extra work when I have to deal with other kids. Id be totally happy to take them out on a play date with other children and their mums but I dont feel like being the only one responsible for someone elses child.

We usually have play dates out in the park. I get on well with a few mums and we usually have a coffee when the kids are entertaining themselves in park. This is actually quite relaxing and enjoyable.

I certainly do not expect my DCs to be invited to play dates in other peoples houses. If they do, I make sure they bring some treats to their friends but I really dont want to feel obliged to have to organise one at my place in return. If I knew there would be such an expectation I wouldnt feel comfortable to let DCs go.

Whatthebarnacles · 11/11/2023 20:42

When I was a child, I was at all my friends houses all the time. Because I was invited. Not because I forced my way in.

Think I had someone over for tea once in my entire childhood. My parents didn't work either.

Reason they never had other kids over?

A) house was tiny / we were overcrowded
B) house needed major improvements (lack of carpet in some areas, no heating etc.)
C) they couldn't afford to feed another mouth
D) we had to be very careful with electric use / toulet roll use etc
E) we didn't have / do snacks. It was a breakfast, lunch, tea and every morsel was accounted for
F) my parents were proud people trying their best and didn't want anyone judging or questioning (even if it is innocent Q's from my friends) as to why we don't have this or that etc.

Was any of that my fault? No. Was it my parents? No. Was I trying to escape or seek refuge at my friends' houses? No.

I was invited. Which meant they were happy to have me

Stop inviting the child if you don't want them there. If you're happy to have them there then really, honestly, what's your real issue?

If you want to judge on 'reciprocation' then that's up to you. But honestly, I think you should come down from your soap box.

It would have devastated me as a child to think a friend's parents were thinking things like this about family.