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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never invited back

62 replies

Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:30

Okay, so this has been winding me up for a while now and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable?
DD has had a “best friend” for a number of years now (since reception and now in y5). The girls get on so well. They have other friends but count each other as best friends. They can have their fall outs but over in minutes and are back bosom buddies soon after.
So what’s my issue? My DD is NEVER invited to her friends house (or to see her outside of school at all) and it’s starting to get her down (she’s recently started expressing her disappointment at not getting to go to her house). The other girl comes to us about once a week for tea and to play. It’s never reciprocated. Ever. So for the past 6 years, she’s set foot in her house once for about 5 minutes when she needed to pick something her friend had borrowed.
I’m starting to get pissed off. Myself and my partner work full time, 5 days a week and we have other children (3). Friends parents don’t work, and although have another child, seem to do naff all with their time. But for context, I find her mum pleasant and will stop and chat to her when I see her.
Am I right to be getting annoyed with this now? Why is it always down to us? Or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
EVHead · 11/11/2023 20:47

I used to invite kids for play dates, but I never once hosted a barbecue or dinner, despite attending them at other people’s houses.

This was because exDH was a cunt wouldn’t tolerate people in the house, and the fallout just wasn’t worth it.

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up about this girl’s parents, but just ponder what else might be going on.

blacksax · 11/11/2023 20:57

HamsterBanana · 11/11/2023 20:06

Clearly they don't want random kids in their house, nothing wrong with that and nothing to do with the fact they don't work.

The OP's dd isn't a 'random kid' she's their dd's best friend and has been for some years.

I think the comment about work is merely to do with that the OP and family manage to find time to have their dd round, but they have more time and don't reciprocate.

It is only polite to take turns having them round when the children are each other's best friends. They are more than happy to accept the OP's hospitality, but don't seem bothered about returning the favour. I'd be as miffed as the OP by now as well.

Loubelle70 · 11/11/2023 20:59

ZekeZeke · 11/11/2023 19:50

Friends parents don’t work, and although have another child, seem to do naff all with their time

Show quote history

That is judgemental.
They might be embarrassed about their house.. anything. The child might be embarrassed

Breakingpoint1961 · 11/11/2023 21:07

I'm long out of this situation but..when your child comments it's very difficult to explain. Like you, I would be thinking the same, but like other PP have said, there could be all manner of things going on at home, never judge a book etc..

Your feelings are NORMAL OP, so don't let any vipers on here let you feel otherwise. What you do about it is another story, I've no suggestions, as long as your child is happy seeing their friend, I'd go with that for now. Things change all the time with kids, it might be taken out of your hands anyway.

Sit tight, enjoy your DC being happy, things will work themselves outSmile

Doggymummar · 11/11/2023 21:08

I understand your feelings but maybe there is good reason. All of which have been mentioned already

Hearmenow23 · 11/11/2023 21:40

We have a similar situation but dd only goes to her friends once or twice a month. We had this friend back to ours once and she was a nightmare. We couldn't leave them to play. She had to be entertained by adults the whole time. She wanted to do proper activities and have us supervise. Then other things would be boring and she'd kind of roam the house.

Well we don't do that with our dc, they're old enough to entertain themselves and are really good at it. I just don't have the time to have this girl round as I have things to do, and have never been one for organised crafts etc.

Dery · 11/11/2023 21:48

“Could be all sorts of reasons, but I’d be inclined to think it’s something not great (poverty, mental or physical illness etc). Or maybe they don’t like kids.

Anyway it’s a small thing to give a child what may well be an important outlet, so suck it up with grace, and explain to your daughter that there might be all sorts of reasons neither of you can know, but isn’t it great her friend can come to her house.”

This. My mum’s home-life wasn’t terrific growing up. She spent as much time as she could at her best friend’s house. If this was ever begrudged (and I don’t think it was), her friends’ parents never showed it. It was a life-line for her.

LilyLemonade · 11/11/2023 21:58

i would feel the same as you, OP, especially as your DD is starting to be upset by it.

it doesn’t have to be one to one but some level of reciprocation is a fundamental social norm.

i wouldn’t mind if the other family would somehow acknowledge it and explain their difficulty, or if once in a while they would offer an alternative (like taking both kids out).

Still, I’m not sure what I’m you can do if you want to continue to encourage the friendship other than keep an open door as you do.

booksandbrooks · 11/11/2023 22:14

Honestly I'm terrible at reciprocating though I do try. Neurodivergent family, much smaller home than DC's peers, adults WFH. Quite a few of my kid's friends are obnoxious little shits to boot. I still have them over, but it does make it less tempting when you know on top of that you're going to upset the ND ones too.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/11/2023 22:17

So don't have her over. Tell DD it's too much work and you can't have her over for playdates. Sorted.

Maddy70 · 11/11/2023 22:18

Some folk hate play dates at their home.

It's fine for them not to have their house full preferring quiet family only time

SallyWD · 11/11/2023 22:28

My son has a couple of friends like this. Don't take it personally! I just think there's a reason. Maybe they're hoarders, maybe their house is a tip, maybe they feel anxious about having guests over.
My son's best friend is the son of two doctors. They often ask us to have him when they're both working but haven't once invited him to their house!
But it's OK. They'll have a reason and I'm happy to have their boy round. He's a little angel and gets my son off his gadgets.

NotAHoot · 11/11/2023 22:31

I do host play dates, but I've definitely had kids over a few times and then not invited them again when they've been an absolute pain and / or their parents don't collect them till late in the evening when I needed to put the kids to bed hours ago. I know people are saying "tsk tsk nest if vipers ignore these people", but I have to say I am secretly loving the blunter comments from some people on here. It is a massive pain having some kids in the house (not saying op's kid is one of them) and yeah, maybe some people don't like having people they don't know well in their house for many reasons. I actually completely get it

PrimalOwl10 · 11/11/2023 22:36

We don't tend to have kids over because me and my dh work back to back with each and have ds who is autistic. You don't know people circumstances.

Lauraa7 · 11/11/2023 22:53

One of my DDs had a friend whose father was investigated by the police for child abuse. It came to light as someone reported my daughter was in danger due to the friendship. It was a very difficult conversation with the mum, however I never wanted it to impact their friendship and so my daughter Never went to the friends house. All play dates were at ours. Maybe it is a safety thing.

fedupallthisrubbish · 11/11/2023 23:03

Is their other child a sen child? (You can’t always tell you wouldn’t never know on looks alone about my boy and some people don’t tell everyone about their Sen child) Is your daughter particularly noisy / loud?

My daughter LOVES a particular girl and she is nice but she is so noisy /screaming / hyper that’s it’s actually unbearable for my sen child. Deliberately going out of her way to piss him off. For that reason I don’t invite her best friend round - tried it several times and it just doesn’t work. Everything needs to be super calm in my house and I’m not against friends / people but my sen boy can’t deal with screamers / children going out of their way to irrate him …. (Aside my other daughter has plenty of play dates at home with her calm friends)

just another view point

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 22/03/2024 00:34

I was that child who had sleep overs at my best friend's house but never reciprocated. My dad was rude to anyone who came to the house, drank every night and would be aggressive. I couldn't subject my friend to that and I got a break from it by being at her house. Her and her parents were always there for me.

Katiesaidthat · 22/03/2024 10:12

Yodeleyyyyheeeeee · 11/11/2023 19:30

Okay, so this has been winding me up for a while now and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable?
DD has had a “best friend” for a number of years now (since reception and now in y5). The girls get on so well. They have other friends but count each other as best friends. They can have their fall outs but over in minutes and are back bosom buddies soon after.
So what’s my issue? My DD is NEVER invited to her friends house (or to see her outside of school at all) and it’s starting to get her down (she’s recently started expressing her disappointment at not getting to go to her house). The other girl comes to us about once a week for tea and to play. It’s never reciprocated. Ever. So for the past 6 years, she’s set foot in her house once for about 5 minutes when she needed to pick something her friend had borrowed.
I’m starting to get pissed off. Myself and my partner work full time, 5 days a week and we have other children (3). Friends parents don’t work, and although have another child, seem to do naff all with their time. But for context, I find her mum pleasant and will stop and chat to her when I see her.
Am I right to be getting annoyed with this now? Why is it always down to us? Or do I need to get a grip?

I´m not into playdates but really make an effort so my that when my daughter is invited somewhere we reciprocate. We live far away from her school, so usually reciprocate by having meal out in the school area etc etc. I actually agree with you, letting 6 years go by and not reciprocating in any way at all is taking the piss. I would also be annoyed.

Lighteningstrikes · 22/03/2024 10:43

It IS one sided, but for whatever reason there is behind it, I would just keep doing what you are doing as they are such good friends and that’s worth it’s weight in gold.

Movinghouseatlast · 22/03/2024 10:54

I wasn't allowed friends back to my house as a child. My dad was coercive and violent but obviously it was all a secret.

My friend from school's mum was a hoarder. They kept one room tidy but the rest was awful. There were even used sanitary towels piled up in the bathroom. So she never had friends round either.

WandaWonder · 22/03/2024 10:58

I wouldn't come up with some back story to make myself feel better

They don't do them so I would move on, it wouldn't have to be about me or my child

cleanasawhistle · 22/03/2024 11:11

I used to have open house for my kids friends....that was my choice

Lots of parents didnt do play dates or sleepovers,totally up to them.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 22/03/2024 11:20

This is really difficult, as pp say there could be so many valid reasons but it's still hard for your child as they have noticed they're never invited. I would second a pp's recommendation to just bluntly ask if your DC can come to theirs next time and see what the mum says. You might get some hint of a reason which could lessen your frustration, even if she still doesn't invite your DC over.
I agree with pp's that reciprocation is a fundamental social norm. Fair enough not to in the case of real problems people have listed. But I don't consider just not liking hosting them a good enough reason not to do it. You do it for your child's sake. I hate hosting them, find it really stressful, but I do it all the time as my kid wants it. That's what parenting is about

chopc · 22/03/2024 11:32

@Yodeleyyyyheeeeee some people are ashamed of their houses. Next time when the other girl is picked up, why don't you say, i"it would be lovely to arrange something at yours next time"

She must be conscious about all the non reciprocated play dates

Turtletunes · 22/03/2024 16:31

I was the kid who never reciprocated play dates, due to problems at home. I spent as much time as possible at friends' houses to escape home. There was a gang of us that all used to play in the street too in the summer and when they all used to go in for tea and to watch Magnum PI on a Saturday afternoon, I used to wander the streets on my own. I didn't used to talk about it or confide in friends about it either because I didn't know there was anything to confide, it was just my life. Maybe something similar?

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