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Original poster

Ring but no proposal

86 replies

SupermarketSue · 11/11/2023 04:14

We’ve spoken about marriage/children/our future and thought we were on the same page. I accidentally discovered a couple of months ago that my partner has bought a ring. I said nothing and was really excited and thought a proposal was coming soon, but still nothing has happened. I assumed he was planning something special but as more time passes the more on edge I feel and worry that he’s changed his mind.

Also there’s been a couple of proposals and pregnancy announcements in our friend group which I’d usually be happy about but it’s been really upsetting me that people are progressing in their relationships and I feel stuck still until he decides to propose.

As a side note, I also know how much he spent on the ring and I can’t help but think I’m going to be a bit disappointed when I see it. We earn decent salaries and he’s spent a tiny fraction of his savings - I know it’s not about how expensive it is but seems like he’s gone cheap.

I can’t talk to him and ask why hasn’t he proposed yet as that would mean telling him I know about the ring - but it’s making me upset that I’m stuck in this limbo situation and feels like I might be waiting forever and building things up only to be disappointed. Any advice?

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/11/2023 04:45

Just leave it.

Don't mention it. Don't even hint about it.

He'll do it when he's ready. It could be months. That's what happened with my cousin. Ring was bought ages prior and her sister actually got engaged before her.

I wouldn't even be concerned about the price. That's just me though. You can get absolutely stunning engagement rings for less than £1K.

It does sound a bit superficial of you to be even concerned about the price. Get it out your head.

He could be waiting for Christmas Day or new years or even next year.

Or it might be for his mum 😂 or someone else. He could be holding it for a friend as they might not want their significant other to see money come out their bank.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 11/11/2023 05:07

How long have you been together?

A shorter time and I wouldn't say anything. However if you want kids etc and have been together a while, then I'd have a serious conversation about the future.

Isthisexpected · 11/11/2023 05:11

Personally I'd wait until after Christmas at this point because many people seem to do it at "special" times of the year. I wouldn't wait any longer though, not until your birthday next year etc because that's all too open ended. In the new year I'd ask to have a conversation about your long term future.

Cumbrianlife · 11/11/2023 05:12

How old are you and how long have you been together? How are you so sure it's an engagement ring if you haven't seen it?

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 05:24

Or you could talk about your future like grown ups?

Original poster
SupermarketSue · 11/11/2023 05:27

Thanks for the replies so far. Been together 3 years and mid thirties - no kids but definitely something we both want and have spoken about.

I think waiting until after the holidays and then having another conversation is right - feels so long away though and hard to not keep thinking about it.

I doubt it’s for somebody else/holding it for someone and I don’t think he’d ever buy a ring just for a gift

OP posts:
coffy11 · 11/11/2023 05:29

Why are you waiting for him to propose and giving him all the power, it's an old fashioned sexist tradition. Ask him if he wants to get married and see what he says.

SparklingSparkle · 11/11/2023 05:43

In this day and age I’m always shocked women are waiting for a proposal and that marriage isn’t something you decide together. Do you live together? Does he want children? Do you own property? While he decided on your future what do you do? I don’t mean to be unkind but are you just meant to pause while he decides if you get the ring you probably won’t like?

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 06:08

@SupermarketSue "I think waiting until after the holidays and then having another conversation is right - feels so long away though and hard to not keep thinking about it"

Then don't. Talk about it today.

Richie23 · 11/11/2023 06:30

My husband bought a ring in the November and proposed in the following March, so he had the ring for 4 months. I didn’t know he had a ring though, that would have made me go crazy wondering all the time.
I really think he’s just waiting for the right time. You hear stories all the time of guys wanting to propose at a certain time and then getting too nervous, or plans don’t work out, so then wait a bit longer. Even if they know you’re going to say yes it’s still a huge and scary thing to do. Especially if you’ve ever given any expectations about a proposal - if he feels like he wants to match what your dream proposal would be, or just wants it to be amazing for the both of you.
I wouldn’t bring it up.

whosaidtha · 11/11/2023 07:01

My husband waited 4months from buying the ring to proposing.
As for the price why does it matter what he spent? My ring cost less than £100 and I love it.

Cinai · 11/11/2023 07:05

This happened to me…drove me crazy 😅 He proposed on a special holiday, 4.5 months after buying the ring.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/11/2023 07:05

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 05:24

Or you could talk about your future like grown ups?

This. DH and I had discussed marriage, we knew we were on the same page, we chose the ring together on holiday and then he proposed in a beautiful place on that same holiday. The fact that we’d done the discussion and chosen the ring did not make it any less special!

Perfect28 · 11/11/2023 07:12

Why don't you ask him op?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 11/11/2023 07:40

it’s been really upsetting me that people are progressing in their relationships and I feel stuck still until he decides to propose.

I know some people like the tradition of the man proposing, but you're now in a situation that is really upsetting you and you feel stuck like you can't do anything. You're talking about your future, you shouldn't feel stuck and like you have no option other than sitting and waiting for him to decide. Speak to him.

unfairornot · 11/11/2023 07:40

My dh bought a ring in Sumer and proposed in October. Didn't bother me I was aware he was choosing (it came up on our joint laptop) I figured he would do it when he was ready. He spent a quarter of his monthly salary which was fine with me.

fuzzystar · 11/11/2023 07:43

I'm all for saying the OP could propose but I think that would be incredibly mean given she knows he's bought a ring!

I'd wait until January OP then have a discussion.

LizHoney · 11/11/2023 07:49

I don't judge you re the cheap ring worry OP. You're going to be wearing it forever - you want it to feel special.

If it comes and isn't right I'd happily accept proposal and then within a v short time (days not weeks so he still has the receipt) just tell him you're so happy to be getting married, but the ring isn't really to your taste, you'd like to choose one together. Then put in money on top of his contribution to get something closer to what you want (fair to chip in given your expensive tastes). Even better if it doesn't fit and so there's already going to be a change made and you can piggy back on that.

It will feel awkward initially broaching this with him but a) don't wear something you don't like and b) honesty is important in a relationship, I'm sure he'd want you to be happy.

justalittlesnoel · 11/11/2023 07:58

My DH had the ring for 5 months before he proposed, so it seems a lot of people wait for the right time.

Your feelings around everyone moving on in their relationships and you not progressing / feeling stuck - have you been feeling like this for a while? Or is it literally just because in the back of your head that you know there's a ring somewhere?

What £ is cheap compared to your salaries? He might have found something beautiful that he thinks you'll love, or he might be anticipating an expensive wedding! Tbh with the economy how it is more £ in savings than on a finger makes sense. If you're so inclined you can always swap in a few years if that's what you want.

SheilaFentiman · 11/11/2023 08:09

I accidentally messed up my (now) DH’s first and second attempts to propose on holiday. He felt he had to get the place just right. The first time I was sick and the second I, not knowing his plan when he suggested a destination city, said “oh, I’ve been there, can we go here?”

We got there in the end on his third attempt, but it was several months later by then. And he proposed with a small silver ring and then we later went and chose wedding rings plus an engagement ring together.

TL; DR - being “the proposer” isn’t easy!

Soffii87 · 11/11/2023 08:12

after Proposing my husband told me of all the times he had planned to propose but things kept getting on the way! Mostly my family lol.

cloudjumper · 11/11/2023 08:14

If you're so desperate to get married, why don't you propose?

TheDogsMother · 11/11/2023 08:17

Just have a conversation together and decide when and where you would like to get married. I just don't understand this waiting to be proposed to thing. We decided and booked the date. We were then on holiday a few weeks later and DP wrote a proposal in the sand on the beach. It was every bit as romantic.

HouseChainDrama · 11/11/2023 08:33

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Rosiiee · 11/11/2023 08:38

I’d have my nails done all of December 😂 I’d wait until the new year and give him a chance to propose if he is in fact planning something memorable. But if nothing then yeah, I’d bring it up otherwise I’d just get resentful. Hope it happens soon 🤞🏻