Ring but no proposal

[SupermarketSue]

We’ve spoken about marriage/children/our future and thought we were on the same page. I accidentally discovered a couple of months ago that my partner has bought a ring. I said nothing and was really excited and thought a proposal was coming soon, but still nothing has happened. I assumed he was planning something special but as more time passes the more on edge I feel and worry that he’s changed his mind.

Also there’s been a couple of proposals and pregnancy announcements in our friend group which I’d usually be happy about but it’s been really upsetting me that people are progressing in their relationships and I feel stuck still until he decides to propose.

As a side note, I also know how much he spent on the ring and I can’t help but think I’m going to be a bit disappointed when I see it. We earn decent salaries and he’s spent a tiny fraction of his savings - I know it’s not about how expensive it is but seems like he’s gone cheap.

I can’t talk to him and ask why hasn’t he proposed yet as that would mean telling him I know about the ring - but it’s making me upset that I’m stuck in this limbo situation and feels like I might be waiting forever and building things up only to be disappointed. Any advice?

How rude of you @HouseChainDrama to call OP weird.
Also OP literally said in the first line of her post that they’ve discussed marriage. Since he has the ring already, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting for the proposal. They talked about it and are on the same page.

@Cinai

I'm not rude, I'm horrified that women still behave like this and I'm calling it out. Because frankly there's no hope for us if the next generation are still acting in this passive manner. This stuff matters.

"TL; DR - being “the proposer” isn’t easy!"

Yes it is. "I love you. Let's get married."

Done.

@HouseChainDrama Hard agree.

I just think it's such a shame that we are living in 1823. If it were, for example, 2023, women might be the equals of men and be able to propose to them instead of waiting around for the boss to make a decision. I guess this is just a pipe dream, and the day will never come when a woman is considered to be the equal of a man in a relationship.

@HouseChainDrama ya’ll really need to relax. I proposed to my DH (in our garden!) and he said yes but he still wanted to do a ‘proper’ proposal. Something sweet, romantic, special for us. He also wanted time to buy the ring I picked out and wanted to surprise me with it. I think it’s totally ok that a man wants to propose. Let the OP bloody enjoy it!

Have you not discussed future plans - what your aims and dreams are for your life. Where you’d like to live, family you’d like and when? If you haven’t had these conversations you’re not ready to get married to anyone.

That’s what we did! Realised we were both on the same page !

It's 2023. Propose to him. You could even buy him a ring, or some other piece of jewellery.

I really hate it when women complain that "he hasn't proposed" in this day and age.

There's nothing wrong with waiting generally, but OP has said she's getting really upset at other people getting engaged, and that she feels stuck. This is a man she wants to marry - she should discuss it with him if it's affecting her this much.

Bear in mind he's bought the ring but is unaware that you know he has. Proposing itself can be daunting but he doesn't know you're tracking the time it takes.

Don't worry about the value, I know some like expensive rings but also bear in mind a lot of guys, myself included have no idea what to buy. He could spend a fortune and think it's nice but it actually isn't to you so maybe he's playing safe in a way or he thinks that is expensive enough.

Others have suggested proposing to him, that depends on his own views I guess and the fact he's bought a ring but I would be very happy and flattered if someone proposed to me. I don't quite see things the same as most guys though and don't believe too much in tradition. Some do, but it is 2023, you know.

Er but he isn't proposing....

I won't relax, this stuff matters. Women have got to stop ceeding power to men

You don't have to be stuck in limbo.

Do you really want to marry? You say you've talked about it - recently? In proper detail? Or was it a more vague "yes I'd like that one day" sort of thing?

You are coming across as making comparisons in a way that could be described as jealous (other people's babies, their engagements and presumably rings and likely cost thereof - because I doubt you'd have mentioned cost at all if it really didn't matter to you). It's OK to feel jealous - it's a normal human emotion, and you are seeing other people getting what you want.

Question then becomes how are you going to deal with your jealousy - in terms of the other people and their life events, you just need to never speak of it and it will fade.

In terms of him, more complicated. Because you're possibly worried that if you try to force the issue, you're going to piss on some grand romantic plan and that will disappoint him, and you don't want that. But your resentment is quietly building, so will you reach a level where the proposal just cannot ever outweigh that? And of course the niggle that he might not really want to marry me, but is going to give me a ring to shut me up for a while. That's quite a range of possibilities, and of course there may be more.

The way through this is of course to talk to him again, about your futures and what you each want them to hold, and then start getting specific about the actions that take you both there.

If you want to hang on to the idea that he's waiting for the right to propose, and with Christmas/NYE in the offing this is of course possible, and you can hang on without building further resentment, then wait until January. I wouldn't put it off beyond that though.

Another one here who doesn't get why women still wait for a man to propose and attach such value to the price of a ring. I'd be much more invested in being able to communicate and knowing what's going on in his head. This kind of relationship where you're in the dark about each other's fundamental selves isn't a great basis for a happy marriage.

And at mid-30s, I wouldn't be waiting around wondering. Never mind what friends are doing, talk to him and sort it one way or the other. Romance isn't kneeling down with an expensive ring. It's being with someone you know and love and don't feel this insecure about.

This. I think you need to have a conversation about your future plans and what you both want, and when.

Maybe he will do it at Xmas?

How much is not much? Surely not less than 1k?

Thanks for the replies. Yes we have spoken about future, timelines, what type of wedding we’d want, how many children and what age we want to start trying for them etc. I’m not sat here with no idea if we have a future together - if that was the case I would be having a ‘grown up’ conversation.

I think given he’s got a ring I don’t want to rain on his parade or his plans whatever they are, or force the conversation where I say ‘so when are we getting married?’ and he feels like he has to propose there and then. I’m all for women deciding what they want and taking control of their future, but in this scenario it would feel like forcing his hand. Or make me look very impatient - which I admit that I am! The fact I know it should be happening but he’s just choosing not to at the moment is hard.

And I mentioned the expense because whilst I know it shouldn’t matter, I’m the one who will be wearing it forever and want it to feel special. Maybe I’m overthinking that side of things and just need to put aside that I know how much was spent. Or I like the idea of gently suggesting I contribute to it too when it does appear so that I can get something I love more

Agreed. It's all a bit cringe and damsel in distress waiting to be asked.

You're saying that you find the situation hard. There's no need, just talk to him. You're not "forcing his hand" if you've already agreed on marriage and a future together. It's obviously a problem for you, so initiate that conversation and clear the air.

Like many other couples, including those upthread, me and my husband chose a ring together after we decided to get married. That was common practise 30 odd years ago. I think it meant that the decision was shared, and the choice of ring was shared.
Thus no-one felt "daunted" or "forced" by the whole situation!

If you’ve had conversations about your future, why haven’t you booked a wedding?

How have you found out he's bought a ring?

My wife bought me a ring for graduation and kept it hidden for nearly a year as I needed an extension so missed the ceremony we thought I'd be at. A ring doesn't have to be for an engagement, it might be for a big birthday or something different.

Are you sure it's an engagement ring?
It could be your Christmas present?
If you can't wait, just suggest booking the ceremony for the new year
No reason to wait for him