I need to vent! Funeral related.

[GripGetter]

NC for this.

At our DM’s funeral service a few days ago, DSis did the following:

-Took the whole front row of seats marked RESERVED, which logically was reserved for us 4 siblings, for her family of 5 (2 adults, 3 adult DC).
This meant that DB and DSis2 had to sit in row 2, and when they got up to speak they had to be let out first by those on either side. It felt quite messy to me.

I ended up in row 3, an aisle away from all my DSiblings and quite far away from
the proceedings. No-one made a fuss at the time, due to the sense of funerary decorum that apparently my DSis is lacking. She also:

-Used her phone to video the photo slideshow part of the service, and the assembled guests

-Phoned the funeral director from the crematorium, between leaving the
service and arriving at the wake, and had the cremation process fast tracked.
This meant that the ashes were unexpectedly back the very next day – a day when DSis knew that she and half of us siblings would be unavailable to scatter the ashes in any case.

This is all pretty raw still. I can’t let go of my resentment. Whenever I think
back to the funeral I think back to the actions of DSis.

By way of context, DSis has form for being crass – more by her choice of words (in family emails) than by her actions.

Since DSis lives in the US, I am trying to arrange a phone call to take it up with
her. While email is our default method of communication, I have been at the
wrong end of hostile family emails before (not from this same DSis), and I know they are too blunt an instrument. I love my DSis, of course, so I feel like I need a gentle way of saying "Who the hell acts like that at a funeral?"

As well as venting, I feel like I need to get some perspective on this before I take it up with DSis.

If you have read this far, or have some thoughts to offer - thanks!

I would be angry about that, but to be honest I just wonder if you are better letting it go. Don't let the loss if your Mum be sidetracked by her stupid and selfish actions.

I am sorry you have lost your Mum, I lost mine in May and it is a difficult time.

I'm sorry for your loss.
There is zero point in taking it up with her after the fact.
What will this achieve? It won't bring your mum back and could cause a lot more damage.

You could have a memorial service at the area the ashes were scattered? If you feel up to it. This may help a little?

You are upset about your sister , husband and 3 children coming all the way from the USA and sitting in the front row? How was she to know what plans you had for seating if you hadn't communicated it?
It's easy to get upset with others at times like this as often we are just looking to blame someone for anything because we are so upset at the death. I'm sorry that your Mum has died. It's a hard time for you.

Had the seating plan been communicated and agreed prior? If she wanted to film stuff on her phone, that’s up to her, not sure you are upset. Why was the early return of ashes an issue? Did you all subsequently agree a date/time to scatter? Was she worried she may miss it having to go back to the USA or not a factor?

let it go, people grieve in different ways and her behaviour could very well be a reaction to grief or the uncomfortableness of a funeral.

Thank you.

Yes I am, and FWIW DH and I travelled all the way from Australia.

So (to answer another poster) I'm thousands of miles away from the place where the ashes were scattered.

I would have thought etiquette would dictate that the front row is for all the siblings (and spouses, if space allows). DSis2 thought so too. Are we wrong?

We 4 were told that after following the coffin an usher would show us to our seats. This didn't happen.

I would have thought etiquette would dictate that the front row is for all the siblings (and spouses, if space allows). DSis2 thought so too. Are we wrong?

Not wrong, but I do not think that’s a common understanding these days. If this is specifically a want you need to express it rather than relying on assumptions. Also it makes little sense, if sitting in the front row is an absolute, then why would an usher need to show you to your seat, surely they wouldn’t (as it would be the front row), so that alone should have set off a bell that maybe seating was not as you assumed?

She probably wanted to sit with her family. I don't see what's wrong with that. I think perhaps the seating should have been communicated more clearly? Or someone shown people to their seats.

The videoing - ridiculous but I guess that's up to her.

The crematorium thing. Do you think perhaps she had realised she didn't want to miss that part and had to go home before the original date?

It sounds like things were handled badly by her but it probably all came from a place of grief.

You travelled, your sister(s) travelled.
You sat with your family, she sat with hers.
I would much prefer to sit with my family than my sibling during such a sad time.
There most likely wouldn't have been room for everyone to sit on the first row.
It's over, done, let it go.
No good will come from confrontation now

I think perhaps it’s a case of wanting to be within their own family unit rather than siblings together. Not such a bad thing. It doesn’t really matter where you were sat to be honest does it? What difference would it have made - you still have the same hurt.
try not to think about it and really do not send the email as it will just end up in a fall out - you have said pretty much that in your opening message.
if you live far away, perhaps plant a rose bush or some sort of memorial to your mother that is personal to you and focus on that if you can.

I'm sorry for your loss. Funerals can be so difficult to navigate. You get so little time to plan that things easily get overlooked. I also find that grief is so hard to deal that It's easier to get angry over details, rather than face the hurt of losing loved ones.
I have/had seven siblings, all with partners and DC. At the funerals of our parents someone had to take the front row. I can't even remember now who did but know I wanted DH and DC by my side and all of us wouldn't have fit there.
Unless you had a specific conversation Dsis probably didn't even think about the seating. I assume she was there first so just sat down in the area reserved for immediate family. It's pretty amazing she even made it from the US to be there. Please try to let go of your anger. Chasing your DSis now won't achieve anything good.

I think it is understandable for the siblings to be seated with their spouses and children unless an alternative had been arranged.

I don't understand why the timing of the return of the ashes mattered. Can you explain?

Filming was crass. In my experience funerals are about the only place phones don't make an appearance these days.

I am do sorry for your loss.

I think this pp offers good advice. At the moment trying to have this conversation will ruin your relationship with her.

Just sit on it until you can answer the question “what do you want me to do?”. What do you want her to do?

Thank you.

Yes I am, and FWIW DH and I travelled all the way from Australia.

So (to answer another poster), unfortunately I am thousands of miles away from the place where the ashes were scattered.

I would have thought etiquette would dictate that the front row is for all the siblings (and spouses, if space allows). DSis2 thought so too. Are we wrong?

We 4 sibs were told that after we had followed the coffin in an usher would show us to our seats. They didn’t.

My dad died six months ago. My mum arranged the most hilariously awful service you can imagine.
She asked my student daughters to waitress despite never having been employed by the hotel.
My brother wore a football shirt (never saw my dad ever watch a game)
The speeches were by people we hadn't seen for years and focused on areas I didn't feel represented him.

It was actually helped that I felt so distant from all of it I was able to deliberately search for other things to do.

I organised flowers to my taste, on my terms.
I took on responsibility for clearing a specific area of his possessions - kept some, offered to friends, donated to charity. This really summed him up and my DH was really helpful here. It was tools in my case but photos would have worked.
I decluttered my own life and it's pushed me to improve my health.
I talked to friends who didn't know him about my take on his life.
I talked to old school friends - the most helpful was a throw away comment from the nicest person ever that my dad had always been a miserable grumpy man.

I'm really sorry you lost you mum, I hope you find a great way over the next few months to unpick what she meant to you in the best way for you.

Given you don't seem to be close to your siblings I think it made more sense for you to sit with your family rather than siblings.
Front row means zilch. I don't remember who attended my father's funeral never mind who sat beside who. It's really not important.

Please don’t email your sister. My uncle couldn’t make his mum’s funeral years ago (wrong country) so my dad had to sort it. My uncle was being - I agree - a bit difficult about arrangements so my mum wrote to him at length and it just led to really bad blood.

It sounds an understandable mistake, about the seating. I wouldn’t film at a funeral but the slide show may have things she wanted to remember and that’s fairly understandable too. Doesn’t sound like she filmed the solemn, ashes to ashes type bits.

I’ve been to many funerals and I’ve never seen people sat the way you were expecting. The immediate family members have all been sat in their family units like your sister did. I think you are looking for something to focus your frustrations and sadness on and your sister has become that outlet. I don’t think she has done anything wrong really. Getting her mobile out to video sounds crass, but also somehow not completely unusual in the modern world we live in. I wouldn’t confront your sister, it’s not going to achieve anything apart from possibly start a family fallout.

As for the fast tracking of the ashes, I’m not sure what happened. Getting them the next day doesn’t mean you had to deal with them the next day, but surely gave you the best chance to do something before you all travelled home.

If she scattered them without discussing or including you all, then that is upsetting for sure.

Sorry for your loss. People grieve in different ways and can act weird in uncomfortable and distressing situations.
Nothing of what you describe sounds unforgivable.
I'd just let it go. It at the least, give everything some time to process

There's no set etiquette, each family chooses their seating. Recently I sat with my sil then dp then this brother in front row behind was his dsis, her dh and 1 of dc then behind that my dsd etc. this was family choice

I've been to a lot of close family funerals, both my family and others, and always seen siblings sit with their own family, not with siblings. At my family funerals that was fine because there were only 2 siblings so we each got a front row for our families, I can see how it is more complex with more than 2 though. If I had more siblings I'd expect them to reserve the first few rows for the children of the deceased but I would still expect to sit with my own family and not my siblings.

Your grief is understandably still raw, maybe wait a few months and see if you still feel the same. I think this was a case mismatched expectations whilst navigating grief rather than a deliberate offense and for me it wouldn't be something I would want to affect the family dynamics going forward. Maybe something to discuss in grief counseling or with a close friend you can process the feelings in a safe place?

I think you are letting your understandably raw feelings cloud your judgment.

The front row seats issue sounds like it arose just from an absence of shared understandinfg about who would use those seats. Many people would find it natural to sit with their own immediate families and to regard grandchildren as relatives for whom a 'front seat' wouldn't be inappropriate. And it isn't a status thing. Nothing hangs on who sits where.

Videoing part of the procedure? I wouldnt do it, but people simply differ in this respect. If nothing was agreed beforehand then she hasn't acted wrongly.

The call to the funeral director? If her actions meant that you missed out on the scattering of the ashes, then that would be a terrible consequence of her call. Is that what happened - it isn't clear whether that it what you are implying?

But if you simply disliked the timing of the call I think you are way over-reacting. Many people would not make the call at such a time. But by choosing to do so, she hasn't done anything wrong.

Of course you feel devastated, raw, at such a time, and I am sorry for you loss, but I don't let your sadness ferment into needless bitterness. A funeral is an inappropriate occasion for bitterness.

Hi OP, my condolences to you at such a sad time.

Which sibling arranged the funeral? Is there a UK based one who was the client of the funeral director?

I'm a funeral arranger and the FD should only take instruction from their client, so if your US based sibling wasn't the client then the FD should have checked with the client sibling first before doing anything. I've personally never heard of a cremation being "fast tracked". The cremations don't take place until all the services have finished for the day and then the ashes need several hours to cool down, which is why it's usually at least two days before they're returned. Maybe your DMs cremation was just done first, instead of in order. If the crem was told that families were heading back home across the globe they may have made an exception.

The FD will help usher people to their seats, and ensure immediate family are to the front, but unless they are given clear instructions on how you want to be seated then they wouldn't separate people from their spouses or children. Often people want to sit in their small family groups to offer each other comfort.

It was a little crass of your sibling to film the slideshow. A copy of that could have been ordered from the funeral director and would have been better quality.

Your feelings are still raw at the moment, so maybe leave it a week or so before saying anything to your sibling - if you do at all - as you may find you feel differently as time passes.

Try to not let these actions spoil your final goodbye to your lovely mum. Just remember that you did your best and you behaved in a respectful manner and be proud of that.

I think you need to let it go.

You are clearly not close as siblings so it makes sense you all sat with your family. Your closeness to the front means nothing.

I don’t see an issue with filming. I do see an issue with such resentment that you were focused on that and not the service.

Fast tracking the ashes doesn’t mean you have to scatter them. Have they been scattered? We fast tracked grandmothers so they could be collected before people left. That was all.