I need to vent! Funeral related.

[GripGetter]

NC for this.

At our DM’s funeral service a few days ago, DSis did the following:

-Took the whole front row of seats marked RESERVED, which logically was reserved for us 4 siblings, for her family of 5 (2 adults, 3 adult DC).
This meant that DB and DSis2 had to sit in row 2, and when they got up to speak they had to be let out first by those on either side. It felt quite messy to me.

I ended up in row 3, an aisle away from all my DSiblings and quite far away from
the proceedings. No-one made a fuss at the time, due to the sense of funerary decorum that apparently my DSis is lacking. She also:

-Used her phone to video the photo slideshow part of the service, and the assembled guests

-Phoned the funeral director from the crematorium, between leaving the
service and arriving at the wake, and had the cremation process fast tracked.
This meant that the ashes were unexpectedly back the very next day – a day when DSis knew that she and half of us siblings would be unavailable to scatter the ashes in any case.

This is all pretty raw still. I can’t let go of my resentment. Whenever I think
back to the funeral I think back to the actions of DSis.

By way of context, DSis has form for being crass – more by her choice of words (in family emails) than by her actions.

Since DSis lives in the US, I am trying to arrange a phone call to take it up with
her. While email is our default method of communication, I have been at the
wrong end of hostile family emails before (not from this same DSis), and I know they are too blunt an instrument. I love my DSis, of course, so I feel like I need a gentle way of saying "Who the hell acts like that at a funeral?"

As well as venting, I feel like I need to get some perspective on this before I take it up with DSis.

If you have read this far, or have some thoughts to offer - thanks!

gently, OP… I would get why your other sis might be annoyed if her efforts were being ignored, but why do you think it was crass to expedite the cremation?

Well, imagine the phone conversation. "Hello, this is Mrs Bloggs calling from the crematorium. Now that the funeral service is over with (has been for a matter of minutes), can you please have my mother cremated ASAP? As I've got places to go and people to see".
Crass, was it not? To try to dictate the timings to suit her schedule rather then respecting the normal stately course of things in the funeral business, when she was not even the FD's client.

To answer PPs, I accept that I am grieving and might be feeling touchy. Of course none of this can be undone. And of course there will be a backstory - how could there not be between siblings?

I've said that I'm venting. I will not send (and never intended to send) any emails about this. This thread has served that "write it but leave it unsent" purpose, so thank you.

Thanks to those who have given their imput.

Quite the opposite, she lives in the US and arrived in the UK after DSis2
(the only sibling living close to DM as you describe above) had arranged everything (with our input, when possible, dealing with sibs in 3 time zones).
She then picked holes in the obituary (but her amendments came too late, already signed off) and added additional flower requests after the florist's last ordering deadline.

Well, imagine the phone conversation. "Hello, this is Mrs Bloggs calling from the crematorium. Now that the funeral service is over with (has been for a matter of minutes), can you please have my mother cremated ASAP? As I've got places to go and people to see". Crass, was it not?

It probably went ‘Hello, this is Mrs Bloggs, daughter of Mrs Smith whose funeral has finished this morning. Just enquiring about the timing for the cremation and return of ashes, as three of us siblings need to fly back overseas in the immediate term and we are quite nervous about delays.’

The crematorium probably said, no problem, understand the situation, will ensure this will be done first thing possible today.

This would have been in no way crass. Gently, you seem to look for offence.

Let it go.
Make a way to laugh for your mother's sake.

It was poor form.
It is always best for family to meet before a funeral.
To go over what everyone thinks is happening etc is important.
The Minister and church ushers often help by addressing the family at lunch before the funeral and state that there are the four front pews available for XXX's family and is that enough?

The funeral directors too should be prompting you all to consider who walks in first and where you will sit - with readers having quick access etc.
Funeral directors do this every day and should have offered a better lead.
You and your Sis and bros are compromised in not thinking as clearly in your grief.

I would have thought etiquette would dictate that the front row is for all the siblings (and spouses, if space allows). DSis2 thought so too. Are we wrong?

I'm not in the UK, but have seen the front row taken up by one family member, plus their spouse and children. I don't think anyone really cares if they are not in the front row - it certainly wouldn't bother me if I had siblings.

Yes, I rather agree with HoppingPavlova here.

A friend of mine recently arranged the funeral for her mum. Her brother was in the uk and helped a bit, her sister overseas but flew in with her niece. Owing to various complications, the funeral was delayed and I know her sister would have been devastated to miss it (fixed and expensive flights). I can understand your sister not wanting to miss the scattering/interment.

I’m glad the thread has helped you to vent.

I think so too. You make very good points.
The evening before the funeral we did all meet up, but didn't run through the proceedings.

Wedding rehearsals are common practice after all. But funeral rehearsals? Nope.