I need to vent! Funeral related.

[GripGetter]

NC for this.

At our DM’s funeral service a few days ago, DSis did the following:

-Took the whole front row of seats marked RESERVED, which logically was reserved for us 4 siblings, for her family of 5 (2 adults, 3 adult DC).
This meant that DB and DSis2 had to sit in row 2, and when they got up to speak they had to be let out first by those on either side. It felt quite messy to me.

I ended up in row 3, an aisle away from all my DSiblings and quite far away from
the proceedings. No-one made a fuss at the time, due to the sense of funerary decorum that apparently my DSis is lacking. She also:

-Used her phone to video the photo slideshow part of the service, and the assembled guests

-Phoned the funeral director from the crematorium, between leaving the
service and arriving at the wake, and had the cremation process fast tracked.
This meant that the ashes were unexpectedly back the very next day – a day when DSis knew that she and half of us siblings would be unavailable to scatter the ashes in any case.

This is all pretty raw still. I can’t let go of my resentment. Whenever I think
back to the funeral I think back to the actions of DSis.

By way of context, DSis has form for being crass – more by her choice of words (in family emails) than by her actions.

Since DSis lives in the US, I am trying to arrange a phone call to take it up with
her. While email is our default method of communication, I have been at the
wrong end of hostile family emails before (not from this same DSis), and I know they are too blunt an instrument. I love my DSis, of course, so I feel like I need a gentle way of saying "Who the hell acts like that at a funeral?"

As well as venting, I feel like I need to get some perspective on this before I take it up with DSis.

If you have read this far, or have some thoughts to offer - thanks!

So sorry for your loss. She does sound a bit crass and short of some empathy - but I would really let it go. Take the high road, accept this is who she is - but I’m sure she has some good qualities too? Try not to let this become the focus of your grieving and as pp have some sort of private letting go that is just for you. Step away from the emails/ calls that are focused on letting her know how you feel. Hard, but hanging onto resentment about it all will only hurt you in the end.

I wouldn't talk to her. It is done and nothing can't changed what she did. Take it on board for next time you are all together regardless of the event, hopefully will be a Xmas dinner or a nice celebration and if you need to send her instructions before that gathering send it to her and everyone else to follow the protocol stabblished.

Vent a much as you need but I definitely won't mention it. It is not a situation when she can do something about it to make it better other that apologise, which tbh I think she won't, judging by your description of her, and will get you both in involved in an argument meanwhile you are grieving an important loss.

This is why we had a direct cremation for dh, there’s several people in his family with form for uncivilised behaviour who would’ve ruined it and shat all over his memory.

Honestly en phone call will just result in a fall out . Not sure there is much point at this stage as it would achieve nothing .

Every funeral I’ve ever been to, the children of the deceased sat with their partners and children (the grandchildren of the deceased).

There must be some other dynamics going on for your sister to be so controlling over the funeral.

Is she the only sibling that still lived near your mother? Did her and her family have to provide a lot of support for your Mum without her siblings around or is there some reason why she was able to make all the decisions by herself?

I wouldn’t be angry about her getting the cremation done quicker. There are many reasons why people choose this. It can take a couple of weeks to get the ashes back in this country if you don’t ask for it to be fast tracked (I don’t know about the US). Maybe if she hadn’t asked for it to be fast tracked you would have all left the country before the ashes were back anyway.

Maybe she wanted it moved on a bit due to living in America and not being around for a long time? perhaps things are done differently where she lives? I dont agree with the filming either but things are so different these days and again being away from home perhaps they were snaps she had not seen before adn wanted to have a memory of for when she was home so far away from you all

Let it go. What's done is done. No good will come from emailing or discussing the funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with PP that it would be more usual for you each to sit with your spouses and children, so unless you'd agreed something else beforehand then you were always going to need have one family sitting in the 1st, one in the 2nd, one in the 3rd row.

Certainty none of the congregation could have minded waiting for you to get out of your row.

The videoing - video/ zoom for funerals taboo disappeared in covid I think. Though it's not usual (and a bit weird - why would you video the bit that's already Digital and therefore shareable?), as PP have said it won't bring your mum back to pull your sister up on it.

Trying to "fast track " - again, weird but did it mean you missed the scattering of the ashes?

Please try not to be distracted by your sister acting apparently as it is her habit to act. Your grief is real, go easy on yourself. Lean on those close to you and let them know what you need to mourn.

@GripGetter if it would help to talk on here, would you like to tell us a bit about your mum?

I agree with the others saying ket it go.
Do not let her spoil the day that should be about your mum.

What’s done is done and nothing you do or say can change that. Speaking to her about it may make you feel worse.

Try and focus on the positives:
You sat with your family.
She’s got a video of something that you can ask her to send you.
She made the phone call between the services (and not in the middle of the funeral).

I’m sorry for your loss.

I don't think you like your sister very much, do you?

I know it's really hard when someone acts like this at a really difficult time but as others have said, it's probably best to let it go.

If you haven't already scattered the ashes, could they be divided and some sent to you? You could then have your own little family occasion and scatter your section in a way that feels good to you.

When my mum died, we divided the ashes between 3 family members who all lived far away from each other. The funeral director did this for us and provided 1 box with 3 bags.

I'm sorry for your loss.

YANBU. But did you siblings actually have a discussion beforehand about how you were going to sit, if not then I think it's probably better to let it go. If you did and she still went ahead and took the front row then that's different.

My brother is just awful (narcissistic I think), I have found the most effective way to deal with him and shut him down is a disapproving silence, he knows what he's done but wants the drama of an argument. Doesn't know what to do with himself now I won't oblige and he can't cast himself as the victim, I really wish I'd worked out how effective silence can be as a weapon years ago!

@GripGetter and @squishee as I think these are both you.

Your feelings are all completely valid. Give them space among all of the other feelings you have right now. Talk about them, acknowledge them, put words on them. Let them filter through your body and try not to hold on to them. You may find, if you sit with them for a while, that there bring with them, other feelings which you can also recognise and acknowldege and allow them to move away a little. In this space of listening deeply to your body, ask if there is anything else yoo need to give soace to right now. Do this without needing to judge, analyse or fix them. Then allow yourself to feel deep compassion for yourself, self love, calmness and a sense of peace.

I personally think that ALL close blood relatives should have been in the front row and spouses/adult children in rows 2 and 3. The immediate family are then close to the alter and coffin and practically it makes sense when doing a reading.
My anger would be at her husband and adult children for not moving.
I also don’t think it was fair to scatter the ashes without the OP
Condolences on your loss OP. I suppose that the phone call could work or not depending on how she takes it….

Good advice from @TicTacNicNak

Condolences on the loss of your mum. I agree with pp. Don’t contact your sister about her behaviour. Write her a letter about your feelings but don’t send it. Focus on remembering good times with your mum.

Ah sibling relationships are hard.
Honestly, let it go if you can. Nowt you can do now about it.

Firstly, I'm really sorry you lost your Mum.

I do think it's probably pointless to bring it up with Dsis as nothing can be changed about it now.

I had similar disappointments at my dad's funeral earlier this year and decided not to bring it up with those involved as it wouldn't achieve anything.

The first row was reserved for family she wasn't wrong in sitting there and she will want her family with her. I don't thinknshe did anything terribly wrong there. The fast tracking to get the ashes back isn't awful either. Was she flying back to America? And needed closure? The scattering without you there is incredibly crass as is videoing but .... grief makes people do daft things.

This meant that DB and DSis2 had to sit in row 2, and when they got up to speak they had to be let out first by those on either side

Off the point, but why didn't they sit at the end of the row?

At the moment this will feel very raw but I'd urge you to sit on it and see how you feel in 3 months. Saying something now won't change what happened and is likely just to increase tension.

I had similar stress around my parents funerals. My siblings couldn't follow instructions (numerous texts on the day about timings and when cars were picking up etc despite the fact I'd emailed it all to them 48 hours earlier); badgering the funeral director to allow them to provide things later than deadlines set and to top it all off they also scattered their ashes without me.

I stewed on it for a long time but decided not to raise with them - it wasn't going to change what they had done.

I've learnt I can't trust them to think about anyone other than themselves. I still see and speak to them but it's a much more surface level relationship.

Thank you.

DSis2 based in the UK is the client of the (UK-based) funeral director.

I am not sure why my DSis from the US felt she should step in and start running the show.

About fasttracking the cremation - I just find that crass. DSis did have to fly back home, as did I, but was never at risk of missing the scattering. 3 of us and spouses attended, that was not so much the issue.

Yes NC fail, sorry!