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Original poster

I don't want mil to look after my dad

65 replies

AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 02:38

Tldr: my mil has offered to look after my extremely challenging and disabled dad but I don't want her to as I don't want to feel indebted to her and am worried about what I (or through me my kids) will have to do to return the favour.

My dad has been disabled since he has had a stroke a while ago. He can't get up, walk or do anything else without help. We have employed a 24h nurse and other staff to help care for him at home. My parents stay abroad so this is thankfully just about affordable. My sister and me have spent several months over there as we feel we can't leave my mum to deal with this on her own. My sister is there currently and has been there for much longer than me as I have small children that I can't leave for too long.

After his stroke he was for quite a while in a hospital and hospice kind of place but there they heavily sedate him to make him more manageable. He was extremely unhappy and depressed there. He was basically a vegetable. So we brought him home.

The problem is that apart from the fact that managing his care is quite complicated and involved, my dad's behaviour has also been affected by his stroke. He has become extremely aggressive and is also violent at times (though he can't at the moment cause serious injury because of his disability and weakness). He keeps shouting at my mum and verbally abusing her as he wants her to send the carers away and care for him herself. This is impossible as my mum is in her 80s herself. We are now at a loss about what to do as my sister needs to leave soon. He can't stay at home with my mum as it's too stressful for her and once my sister leaves he will bully her into doing whatever he wants as my mum is incapable of setting boundaries. We can't really leave him alone at home with carers as there are too many things every day that need to be managed though this is my preferred solution. We don't want to put him back in any facility as that would be the end of any quality of life for him.

My mil has offered to look after my dad for at least a few months. She is a doctor herself, runs her own clinic and has looked after quite a few of her relatives. I mean her staff would care for my dad under her supervision. This is of course an incredibly generous offer and I am quite touched that she would do this. My sister wants to take her up on the offer and for my mum to come and live with me. .

I'm very willing for my mum to live with us and I think that dh might be willing to accept that though he'd probably prefer not to. But I an dead against my dad going to my mil. It's too much to ask from someone and I would feel obligated and indebted for the rest of my life. I don't want that. My mil is quite an amazing person in many ways but she is also extremely dominating and can be very ruthless and manipulative to get what she wants. And she always wants something. She keeps involving herself in dh's life and our kids' life and it makes me very uncomfortable. She has form in alienating her nieces from their parents (as she believes that her sibling didn't parent them well) and I worry she will do the same with us as she seems to be a bit obsessed with my DD. Anyway, on the face of it we have got a decent relationship but I am wary of her. I'm always happy to help her and my dh' family in practical ways but I don't want to give her more power over me and my kids.

My sister is saying that I don't have to feel obligated and she will tell mil that the favour is all on her and I've got nothing to do with it. But things don't work that way do they? Of course I will have to appreciate such a massive favour and of course it will indebt me. Dh and me have also got serious problems so this added complication doesn't help.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty either way. Surely I can't sacrifice my dad (and my mum) for what might just be my pride? Or my insecurity? Or just because I don't want it? Or don't want the inconvenience of being grateful to someone?

What would you do?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2023 02:57

Your parents live abroad? So MIL would be moving abroad with her "staff" for several months whilst you're Mom comes over to you?

When you say DH and you have serious problems, are you questioning the security of the marriage?

Summonedbybees · 10/11/2023 02:57

It sounds to me that you expect your husband to put up with your mother living with you but you won't accept his mother having a role in your lives. You sound angry that your MIL tries to involve herself in your husband's life.
She does not live in the same country as you so you cannot see your MIL much. It does sound like your husband has to accommodate your family but you won't allow his to play a part in your lives.

Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:00

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2023 02:57

Your parents live abroad? So MIL would be moving abroad with her "staff" for several months whilst you're Mom comes over to you?

When you say DH and you have serious problems, are you questioning the security of the marriage?

No mil lives in the same country as my parents.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 10/11/2023 03:04

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want this - I wouldn't either. But it sounds like there aren't really any other feasible options?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2023 03:05

Ah ok, and she had staff who she or you would be paying??

Could she perhaps do it for a few weeks so Mom gets a break and then just a few hours a day or days a week? So you non has long term support?

Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:09

Summonedbybees · 10/11/2023 02:57

It sounds to me that you expect your husband to put up with your mother living with you but you won't accept his mother having a role in your lives. You sound angry that your MIL tries to involve herself in your husband's life.
She does not live in the same country as you so you cannot see your MIL much. It does sound like your husband has to accommodate your family but you won't allow his to play a part in your lives.

I'd love for her to have the role of granny to my kids but she tries to be mum. And I've seen how she treats people close to her (like dh, her husband, her siblings) and it's all quite dysfunctional and toxic and I worry for my kids especially DD.

But yes, essentially that's my dilemma. I want my husband to accommodate my mum but I don't want an even closer relationship with my mil especially with the power imbalance resulting from her doing me such a big favour

By the way I would (and do) accommodate and house his parents anytime as well. Even his mum as long as I was able to enforce certain boundaries. They are reasonably boundaries and much required. I don't want to get into that but I don't think anyone would contest that.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:17

Yes, that's the problem. There are other options:

  1. Both my parents stay at home but my mum learns to say no to my dad when he is behaving unreasonably. However, she won't do that and I can't blame her. At her age I can't expect her to suddenly change
  1. My mum stays with us and my dad stays alone with the staff but this is logistically very difficult
  1. My dad goes into a care facility but he won't go voluntarily and they will sedate him heavily. It just seems so cruel. That's what I keep telling myself. At the end of the day my dad going into care would be essentially the end of his life. That opposed to my silly misgivings about my mil but then my misgivings are not irrational and I am so scared that somehow my kids will pay the price for my sake because my mil will want her pound of flesh.
OP posts:
Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:20

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2023 03:05

Ah ok, and she had staff who she or you would be paying??

Could she perhaps do it for a few weeks so Mom gets a break and then just a few hours a day or days a week? So you non has long term support?

They live in the same country but not the same city. Yes, we would pay for his costs but I know that money wouldn't be a factor for mil. I mean she wouldn't be doing it for the money but also us paying for the costs wouldn't absolve me in any way.

Yes it would be just for a few months and give my mum some reaoitebut then whatever happens next she'd be heavily involved in organising that as well. I mean it would be a huge job even if it's for a limited time. It's not a small favour.

OP posts:
romdowa · 10/11/2023 03:39

Honestly your dad just needs to go into a care home. They are giving him medication so that he isn't aggressive and violent to their staff. Your current situation just isn't viable really and it sounds like you can't manage him at home long term.

AliceOlive · 10/11/2023 03:42

List your options. List the pros and cons for each.

Are you the final decision maker?

Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:43

romdowa · 10/11/2023 03:39

Honestly your dad just needs to go into a care home. They are giving him medication so that he isn't aggressive and violent to their staff. Your current situation just isn't viable really and it sounds like you can't manage him at home long term.

Yes exactly. I am not blaming the care home but it would still be pretty horrible for him. He was in a care home (he needs a specialised one that can take care of his needs so our options are limited) and he hated it and just wanted to die. I'd have hated it as well.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 10/11/2023 03:44

OK, well it does seem like your MIL will be a nightmare and your sister doesn't really understand this (as it's not her MIL). So of the other options you give, I think 3 is the best of a bad bunch. It's bad for your dad to suffer, but 1 is worse as it isn't your mum's fault (whereas your dad can on some level choose his behaviour). And 2 sounds like it just wouldn't work.

Original poster
AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:48

AliceOlive · 10/11/2023 03:42

List your options. List the pros and cons for each.

Are you the final decision maker?

My sister and me. Probably her more than me as she is with them now. Actually it should be my mum but she is leaving the decision to us and if we just left her to it I don't think she would be able to make a decision that would be in her interest. It's very difficult. I've asked her what she wants but she won't tell me.

I think she wants my dad to go back into hospital.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 10/11/2023 03:51

It sounds like your sister wants the MIL option and is putting pressure on you to choose that one. But that's not really fair of her because that one has no downside for her but it does for you. I think your dad needs to go back into the hospice.

Goodnessgraciousmee · 10/11/2023 03:58

I'm so sorry to say this but I think that your father's behaviour, mood , cognition and independence will deteriorate over time.

Bringing him into your marital home would be a terrible mistake. Indebting yourself to your controlling, manipulative MIL would be a terrible mistake. A few months doesn't solve the problem anyway, it's no more than a stop gap.

So you are left with:

He stays with your mother and abuses her, or

He goes into care which he doesn't want.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and that there are no good options. I would choose care as he is only going to get worse, not better. Don't repeat your mother's mistakes by lacking in your own boundaries.

ZekeZeke · 10/11/2023 04:03

What does your mum say in all this? It really is her decision unless you have POA over your dad.
I would urge your mum to consider a home for your DF for respite (1 month initially) and see how he (and she) gets on.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/11/2023 04:05

RedCoffeeCup · 10/11/2023 03:51

It sounds like your sister wants the MIL option and is putting pressure on you to choose that one. But that's not really fair of her because that one has no downside for her but it does for you. I think your dad needs to go back into the hospice.

It isn't fair of her to push for this, but equally the care so far has fallen disproportionately to this sister, so maybe she sees this more as OP doing her part. OP has valid reasons for doing less, but that doesn't change what's fallen to her sister to do. There is rarely a fair outcome in situations like these. Currently OPs sister is baring a lot of the burden. If no one replaces her and OPs Dad remains at home the burden will fall disproportionately on her DM. If Dad goes into a care home the cost falls on him, but given he's being verbally abusive and aggressive I think this however unpalatable is the fairest solution.

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2023 04:13

You will have the same problem in a few months, is the benefit and ongoing cost of it to you worth a few months? He will have to go to a home at some point, there is no other end result here.
are you the poster with the dad who abused your mum constantly and you had to choose leaving him to be miserable in the home or moving him home and sacrificing your mum to his abuse? If so and you sacrificed your mum, shame on you. He should go back to the home. Yes it is sad.

HerMammy · 10/11/2023 04:44

Your dad needs to go into a care home, no way should your mum in her 80s be dealing with this.
I think perhaps you cannot accept this is the reality of the stage he is at, despite his condition it's not stopped him being an aggressive bully; help your mum.

SheilaFentiman · 10/11/2023 04:54

Agree - it needs to be the care home

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/11/2023 07:06

There is NO good solution here, there is just a least bad one.

I'm afraid that given your father is violent and aggressive he simply needs to go into a home and if need be, be sedated.

Because sadly otherwise he WiLL be violent and aggressive to everyone whenever they do something he isn't happy with.

And your MIL? Not an option. You don't give conniving, destructive people an "in" into your life.

Flyhigher · 10/11/2023 07:07

Was your Mum happier when she lived alone and he was in a care home?

crumblingschools · 10/11/2023 07:14

Will your MIL just end up sedating your dad if he gets violent?

NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/11/2023 07:15

Sounds as though the real issue is that DH is still under the influence of his mother which means that even though you would be paying her for your DF's care there would be an obligation to her. Could someone else provide the home care to your dad and your mum come to love with you or would that be too difficult with MIL? Has anyone said what the prognosis is for your dad?

theleafandnotthetree · 10/11/2023 07:17

AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush · 10/11/2023 03:17

Yes, that's the problem. There are other options:

  1. Both my parents stay at home but my mum learns to say no to my dad when he is behaving unreasonably. However, she won't do that and I can't blame her. At her age I can't expect her to suddenly change
  1. My mum stays with us and my dad stays alone with the staff but this is logistically very difficult
  1. My dad goes into a care facility but he won't go voluntarily and they will sedate him heavily. It just seems so cruel. That's what I keep telling myself. At the end of the day my dad going into care would be essentially the end of his life. That opposed to my silly misgivings about my mil but then my misgivings are not irrational and I am so scared that somehow my kids will pay the price for my sake because my mil will want her pound of flesh.

It is not pretty but your father's quality of life and mental health are pretty much gone either way. He is either going to be sedated and unhappy or unsedated and angry/aggressive plus making other people miserable. So I would choose the first option which impacts other people the least (I.e. care home).