I don't want mil to look after my dad

[AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush]

Tldr: my mil has offered to look after my extremely challenging and disabled dad but I don't want her to as I don't want to feel indebted to her and am worried about what I (or through me my kids) will have to do to return the favour.

My dad has been disabled since he has had a stroke a while ago. He can't get up, walk or do anything else without help. We have employed a 24h nurse and other staff to help care for him at home. My parents stay abroad so this is thankfully just about affordable. My sister and me have spent several months over there as we feel we can't leave my mum to deal with this on her own. My sister is there currently and has been there for much longer than me as I have small children that I can't leave for too long.

After his stroke he was for quite a while in a hospital and hospice kind of place but there they heavily sedate him to make him more manageable. He was extremely unhappy and depressed there. He was basically a vegetable. So we brought him home.

The problem is that apart from the fact that managing his care is quite complicated and involved, my dad's behaviour has also been affected by his stroke. He has become extremely aggressive and is also violent at times (though he can't at the moment cause serious injury because of his disability and weakness). He keeps shouting at my mum and verbally abusing her as he wants her to send the carers away and care for him herself. This is impossible as my mum is in her 80s herself. We are now at a loss about what to do as my sister needs to leave soon. He can't stay at home with my mum as it's too stressful for her and once my sister leaves he will bully her into doing whatever he wants as my mum is incapable of setting boundaries. We can't really leave him alone at home with carers as there are too many things every day that need to be managed though this is my preferred solution. We don't want to put him back in any facility as that would be the end of any quality of life for him.

My mil has offered to look after my dad for at least a few months. She is a doctor herself, runs her own clinic and has looked after quite a few of her relatives. I mean her staff would care for my dad under her supervision. This is of course an incredibly generous offer and I am quite touched that she would do this. My sister wants to take her up on the offer and for my mum to come and live with me. .

I'm very willing for my mum to live with us and I think that dh might be willing to accept that though he'd probably prefer not to. But I an dead against my dad going to my mil. It's too much to ask from someone and I would feel obligated and indebted for the rest of my life. I don't want that. My mil is quite an amazing person in many ways but she is also extremely dominating and can be very ruthless and manipulative to get what she wants. And she always wants something. She keeps involving herself in dh's life and our kids' life and it makes me very uncomfortable. She has form in alienating her nieces from their parents (as she believes that her sibling didn't parent them well) and I worry she will do the same with us as she seems to be a bit obsessed with my DD. Anyway, on the face of it we have got a decent relationship but I am wary of her. I'm always happy to help her and my dh' family in practical ways but I don't want to give her more power over me and my kids.

My sister is saying that I don't have to feel obligated and she will tell mil that the favour is all on her and I've got nothing to do with it. But things don't work that way do they? Of course I will have to appreciate such a massive favour and of course it will indebt me. Dh and me have also got serious problems so this added complication doesn't help.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty either way. Surely I can't sacrifice my dad (and my mum) for what might just be my pride? Or my insecurity? Or just because I don't want it? Or don't want the inconvenience of being grateful to someone?

What would you do?

Families can fall apart over less than this.

If it was my family I’d be looking for a proper conversation with the consultant and someone who can mediate.

I think you are well meaning but not listening to people who are not saying what you want to hear. Which is not an unreasonable reaction to this horrible thing that has happened to your dad.

what would you be happy with? An undistressed father who is recovering? Is that a possibility? Have you spoken to the medical team about his prognosis?

being blunt - you are where you are and it’s not where anyone wants to be. There is only making the best of a very bad lot.

A care home where they don’t over medicate residents.

I’m going to be blunt here.
Your mum is 80 and is not able to look after your dad. She is, at most, company for him during his good times.
Your dad needs round the clock medical care. This is precisely what would be provided for him in a care home or hospital situation.
Your sister is right that he needs to get the right level of care and if this is back in a hospital, then that’s where he really needs to be.

It is not a decision that you make lightly but something that you have to make and explain to your mum why you’ve had to do it.

Aren't you options to either accept MIL's offer or (for your parents to) pay someone else to provide the same care?

Which is most palatable?

Yes of course and that's what we have been trying to implement. We don't want my mum to do any caring duties or anything that she wasn't doing before his stroke. We just want her to give him company and only if he's reasonably pleasant and not aggressive. We've employed people to do ALL the caring. The problem is that he's still too aggressive to even just be in the same house as my mum, she finds it very difficult to say no when he asks her to do something that is too much for her and it requires someone who can manage all these people, his health needs, the house, general admin, etc.

The consultant has now said seeing how much he has progressed physically after coming home that it would be better for him to stay at home. And I agree. For him the best would be to stay at home but that's not the best for my mum. We can't just leave her to it.

Also my sister doesn't want to put him in a hospital or home. She's trying to avoid that any cost. She wants him to stay in my mil's house, which is not any kind of caring facility. It's just her house. She doesn't have nurses or anything but she has some household staff that could help with caring..he doesn't really.need a nurse. Just someone to help with his basic needs and to help him move.

and dodge out of the way of his fist?

good grief.

Let your sister desk with it and make it clear to MIL that you weren’t in favour of this. You owe her nothing then. And then put your boundaries up firmly if she tries to take advantage.

No it's not that type of violence. He just tries to resist the carers and he doesn't really hurt them because he's too weak and physically just not capable. Actually he's not shown any violence towards my mum.

That's what my sister says. But in real terms of course I'd still feel that I owe her. I mean it's a massively big deal to look after someone.

Honestly your dad just needs to go into a care home.

I agree. There comes a point in time OP when this is actually the ONLY option.

Haven't read the whole long post, but when your mum, you, your husband and EVEN YOUR CHILDREN are being affected, what alternative is there?

Your mum, in her 80's can't possibly cope with this, plus he abuses her. She deserves a break, as you all do.

God, it's awful I know. Been there, done that. In different circumstances.

No-one trumps another's right to live a good, great life.

Wishing you lots of strength.

He has become extremely aggressive and is also violent at times (though he can't at the moment cause serious injury because of his disability and weakness). He keeps shouting at my mum and verbally abusing her. (From one of your earlier posts)

That's violence.

You also seem to be saying he isn't as violent as he wants to be because of his current physical health!

I also think your father should go into a care facility. Is the sedation such a problem really, he sounds very unhappy now? Constant anger is an horrible state to be in for the person experiencing it. Everyone in your family sounds to be suffering, I feel for you.

OP, I am going to assume that you are inexperienced in dealing with agitated men who are debilitated. And how awful frustration is to live with, what it does to people who can’t make sense of
the world or make
themselves understood

Aggressive, frail men need compassionate care, and part of that is them being in an environment where they cannot hurt someone.

why would you want your dad to be in a position where he could physically hurt a carer? I mean, you are comfortable with him being verbally abusive and aggressive - does it not upset you that is how he behaves? Is that his norm? Would you want to take the call from an agency saying that they can’t supply staff any more and then an emergency care placement? Do you not understand you have choice now, but it won’t last?

I say this with care - go and read the thread, and count up how many responses say “no, this is fine” and how many say “sad situation, bad idea”.

@AtTheEndOfMyToothbrush

In your initial post, you said "He keeps shouting at my mum and verbally abusing her"

Yet later you said he's not been violent to your mother, while also saying she can't be in the same house as him.

Surely you realize he is very violent to your mother, if she can't stay in her own home. This is, at best, domestic and emotional abuse. If your mum were posting here about her situation, don't you think she'd be told to ask for help to leave?

It's a hard corner you're all stuck in, but y'all are choosing to improve his quality of life at the expense of your mother's mental health. He needs love and care, but not at the expense of you and your family as well as putting so much strain on your marriage. Please don't lose sight of your own family.

I can't say what the best option is, but the current situation can't possibly be it. It's too damaging to all of you.

He may be happier in care if the right medication and fosge is used. There are options out there that might control the aggression without leaving him sedated.

What y'all are going through must be so hard, but you and your family must come first. Don't let yourself be guilted into making yourself be least important. That would be sad and so damaging.

If I were in your father's condition, I hope my daughters take care of their own families, get help for my husband handling being on his own, and lastly, me. No one's going to abandon me, but I don't want my care to be the most important thing. I told my DDs this. They know this is what I want, and I hope they'll honor that if it happens.

I hope things work out for all of you. Therapy helps.
God bless.❤️