Found out my partner has been messaging doms/escorts our entire relationship

[Illannna]

Ok so I want to start by saying my partner has a very intense fetish and that is he likes to be dominated, but in particular likes to be choked. This isn't news to me however he was somewhat ashamed when first telling me years ago. Over the years (been together just under 7), he has asked I participate in his fantasy and at times I have although don't really enjoy it but have done it as i love him and know thsts what he is into. He has bought me the outfits, shoes, gloves, pays for me to get nails done as i dont usually have fake nails. Since having our first child 2 and half years ago, our sex life has plummeted because I'm not that interested to be honest and he also has never pushed the topic. Lately we've been having sex once ever 3 to 4 weeks. We also have an 8 month old so life is busy. Apart from this our relationship is pretty good. He is a great dad, works hard (stressful job in law enforcement), and does his share around the house. He doesn't go out much at all and is home from work looking after the kids.
Last week I went on his phone to send myself pictures, and an app suddenly disappeared. I went into his app store and saw the app kik was last searched. I confronted him about this and asked him what was up was it a dating app and he told me he had been using it atleast monthly for the last 10 or more years to talk to dominatrixes or fetish escorts as an initial conversation to wank over. He told me he essentially was wasting there time as they mostly aren't even in the same state or country but liked reading the idea of setting up a session to be choked/dominated. He has never paid one and never gone to one in person and i do believe this. He has also been watching this kind of porn roughly 3 times per week. When I told him that was cheating on me he believes he was being deceitful but didn't think he was cheating!?? He told me he felt relieved as this had felt like a dirty secret his had for a long time and now its finally out. He told me it's something he knew was wrong but didn't feel he had a good handle on as I guess the urges are pretty strong. He told me he never pursued it further then the initial chat because it's something deep down he knows isn't healthy and doesn't want to do (he is a pretty sensible guy). He was extremely apologetic and told me he wants to get help for although i know its not something he will ever be free from. We also discussed him talking to a therapist around 4 years ago when he told me the thoughts were of him wanting to pass out from choking and he never went. He told me he doesn't want anything to jeopardise our family (as I told him he HAD by doing this knowing it was wrong) and wants to go cold turkey from it and see a councillor. He has booked into the GP for a mental health plan to see a sex therapist. I've continued to be normal in front of our kids but largely I've told him we need couples therapy too to move past this. I'm wondering if I'm being naive here and whether this is something he can move away from or if it will always be apart of him. I'm so scared of the thought of being a single parent of 2 young kids but right now I'm so upset he betrayed me. He has been respectful towards me and extra helpful. Told me whatever he needed to do to make me trust him he will do. I'm so worried the trust is gone. Help!

I'm unsure which bit you mean.

She has made it clear to him, and to us, that she doesn't enjoy the sex acts in question. He knows that.

She has made it clear to us, and him, that she would never choose to partake in the sex act in question. He knows that.

He, knowing those things, even pushed her to do things that would make her even more uncomfortable.

I've attempted this in the past I.e smothering rather then choking as I was getting uncomfortable with how hard he wanted me to push it.

I'm baffled as to how you can see him as a lovely person or a decent, healthy partner.

That should have said:

She has made it clear to us, and him, that she would never herself proactively choose to partake in the sex act in question or do so if he hadn't asked her to repeatedly. He knows that.

I'm afraid his kink was always going to lead to disaster. I'm surprised you moved forward with him when you found out about it.

It's always trickle truthing

Not necessarily about the kink as he honestly doesn't bring it up that much anymore (did ask me to do a session for him for his birthday in 2 months

My sexually coercive ex said that exact same thing about what he wanted me to do that he knew I didn't want to do @Illannna It was one of many attempts to get me to do stuff.

You don't have to put up with this bloke. You really don't.

if he’s committed to doing the work, I don’t see what you have to lose by giving him some time.

Why should she? He's messaging women about fetishes etc, and sexually coercing her.

@Illannna You can gain your freedom by finishing things with him. Trust me, it's lovely.

@monsteramunch @porridgeisbae

I don't think it's as far as sexual coercion as I said no and that was that. He asked for the birthday session right after we had sex and hasn't brought it up again. I'm also guilty of not being clear of telling him straight that I didn't like it for a long time. He knew I was worried about the intensity of things and hurting him rather then being not fully into it. I also once got right into it to financially dominate him. I just messaged him that exact question and his response was;

Conflicting for him?

Again, would you enjoy someone having sex with you in a way you knew they didn't like? Would you be able to remain sexually aroused knowing they didn't really want to do it? Or would that be an easy, automatic 'I can't have sex in a way that I know my partner doesn't enjoy and doesn't genuinely want to do? I suspect it's the latter because you're a decent person. The fact he is conflicted rather than sure is worrying. And gross, tbh.

And the fantasy is 'dampened' by you not enjoying the sex acts in question. Not ruined, not removed. Just dampened. Still not a firm no from his side to having sex with you knowing it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.

Jeez, these men who have a wife, a young child and a responsible full time job, yet spend their life obsessing about other women’s nails and getting ‘choked’.

He should be the family man not kink central. Fuck me I’d divorce him in a heartbeat. What normal mother has the time to indulge an idiot man in this self indulgent bullshit?

@monsteramunch
Not sex just "dominating him".
But yes I feel he is incredibly selfish for putting my comfort aside to get his needs met.

But it's sexually motivated on his side.

He's sexually aroused by doing things that he knows make you uncomfortable, that you don't enjoy.

The irony of wanting to be dominated by someone he is pressuring to take part in his kink knowing they don't want to 🙄

He's not a very nice partner OP. Nice partners aren't turned on by their partners doing things that make them uncomfortable / anxious / sad. They are turned off if their partner feels that way about the thing in question,

@monsteramunch I really don't think he is turned on by knowing I don't want to do it. That makes him sound like a pervert. He is selfishly trying to fullfull a fantasy and is turned on by the act and ignores the fact i dont like it. Ultimately though he is putting his needs before mine and is ok with it

Sorry I didn't mean he is turned on by you not liking it, I meant he is turned on by it despite knowing you don't like it.

@monsteramunch
Yes, clearly incredibly selfish. I'm sad for our kids to be honest that's probably why I'm minimising it.

Hi OP,

In my previous post I was focused on the fact that you feel betrayed by the fact that he was messaging other people and getting off in this secretive way that felt like a betrayal to you. I stand by the fact that you get to decide on your own boundaries and standards in a relationship.

The more I read about the dynamic of your sex life the more uncomfortable I feel and the more strongly I feel that he is not a safe or caring partner.

Many have addressed the coercive element of him insisting that you participate in a kink that doesn't turn you on, and he himself has admitted that he ignored your feelings or just pretended you liked it, he didn't consider stopping something that he knew was making you uncomfortable. This is such a big red flag.

You mentioned that you have not been very forthright in actively saying "I do not like or want this" and honestly, I felt this. Have you heard of the concept of "enthusiastic consent"? I have form for shutting down/withdrawing/going quiet/no eye contact when things take a turn that I don't enjoy or when someone is trying to initiate contact that I don't want. I feel like I should say "No, I don't want or like this, let's go back to x or let's take a break" but somehow the words don't actually come.

Recently I told someone out loud that I am not good at vocalising uncomfortable feelings, so unless I am actually saying "yes" out loud and looking at them, there needs to be some form of check in. And guess what? They listened and actually checked in! Even knowing that you were not enjoying the act that he wanted, it does not sound like your husband has ever really done any checking in with you.

I also second the interpretation that a PP gave; the special birthday request feels a lot like manipulation. I'd add that in my own opinion, an unhealthy number of people with authority issues and desire to dominate and/or humiliate are drawn to uniformed professions, and they privatte "indiscretions" are often protected by the image of being a uniformed public offical. If there is any element of this, it adds to the manipulation and he might actually be a very charming but nasty man who is using his position and his badge to emotionally isolate you.

This turned into an essay but I htink you have some serious thinking to do, and I think therapt on your own would be helpful. Many of us don't get off on PIV sex, but that's no reason to accept a sex life that doesn't satisfy you or to give up your boundaries to someone else's kink.

In think you either accept this is who he is, or you don't.

You knew he was heavily into this fetish and continued your relationship and went on to have kids with him.

You've made yourself accept his fetish, when you didn't like it, in the name of love. The message you gave by contuing the relationship, is that this wasn't a dealbreaker for you.

What you have now, is what can happen when you accept behaviours and fetishes that you don't like.

I'm not going to judge his fetish, even though it's not one I'd be comfortable with.You’ve stopped indulging in it and arguably, he could say he wouldn't have stayed with you, if you never participated. He may have found someone who was into it.

I would struggle to be with someone who prioritised a sexual fetish particularly one that was dangerous or uncomfortable.

It's as if his fetish controls him. It leaves him open to blackmail (if he's in law enforcement, that's worrying), it means he's never going to be happy with "vanilla" sex. And all the dressing up and equipment and palaver is all very well pre kids when you've got nothing else to do other than shag but it doesn't really work with young DCs around, let's be honest.

It's a shame OP but unless he's prepared to change and possibly seek counselling then I don't see any way forward.

if i was in your position I'd call it quits - not only you're not compatible in bed given his extreme fetish, he is also a cheater

he probably knew you'd be upset knowing he cheated so him saying he'd stop is meaningless

and you will be probably happier with someone who does not pay people to choke him

Sorry, I couldn’t read due to lack of paragraphs.

But this is the cop who wants to be choked. Do you think he's going to ask criminals or law abiding citizens to choke him?

Hi OP, kinks and fetishes are incredibly personal and the real issue is your incompatibility. He obviously hasn't been honest by the extent and depth of it- so you thought occasionally participating in it would be enough. But if he's still been chatting to a real Dom for a decade, it's a bigger part of his lifestyle than just a kink.

Sex therapy - not sure it will have the results you want and it will take years, not months to unpick his complicated feelings over it. Which will lead to resentment and the breakdown of your intimacy anyway. You'll have to decide whether you divorce amicably and coparent or stick it out accepting he has this other life to satisfy his needs while being a good husband/dad. You would also need an outlet then for your sexual desires - you might be off sex now but once your kids are older and libido comes back you'll be unsatisfied as well knowing he doesn't enjoy the sex you do.

I do however think if you choose to stay, you can't judge him for the kink. That will just end in resentment for you and shame for him - toxic way to live. It's a really tough situation as if he'd been honest from the start about what a big part of his life it was, maybe you wouldn't have married him. But you know now and have all you need to make the best decision for yourself.

@Illannna I'm not sure if this is how you feel but not only would I be very pissed off that he's been contacting sex workers behind my back but I would personally find a bloke who wants to be dominated a complete turn off sexually . Sorry I'm not with these let's be kind on peoples kinks views- especially ones involving stuff you arent comfortable with. We aren't talking seeing you in high heels or sucking toes etc. when you are in a relationship 'you ' get to decide what's ok for you sexually - it's not a one way street where you just have to agree to everything or go along with it. You don't have to be shaming or horrible or cruel to the person , it's perfectly possible to say, I'm sorry that's not for me- I'm not ok with it, so I'm ending the relationship

not only would I be very pissed off that he's been contacting sex workers behind my back but I would personally find a bloke who wants to be dominated a complete turn off sexually

Exactly.

Op went along with his fetish (which was extremely open minded) and what did it get her .... He's still been essentially cheating by interacting with sex workers/others behind her back about it.

Same here too - couldn't fancy and respect a man who has this fetish.
I doubt he'll get many women who would. I doubt he'll get a well adjusted woman who's into this.

I'd leave him to the BDSM scene.

Has he got decent life insurance? (for your kids sake), he's probably going to end up accidentally asphyxiated to death in some BDSM dungeon.