Ghosting

[Lambzig]

I've been online dating for a couple of months since a 6 month relationship broke up. Did online dating before that, and had a few terrible/amusing dates, but nothing that went anywhere, similar this time.

About a month ago I started chatting to someone, instant online attraction - we chatted a lot. Had a first date which went really well, the chemistry had definitely translated to real life, we had a great kiss. Since then we carried on messaging a lot, lots of voice notes, conversation was flying, both of us sneaking off to the loo at our respective parties to message, our second date wonderful. On Tuesday we met up at lunchtime with no particular agenda, went for a long walk, went to a gallery, had some supper and some drinks. Lots of touching, kissing, holding hands and having fun. We parted late at night, both of us saying we wished I didn't have to go home (babysitter) and thought that we should arrange something different next time.

I tend to be quite a bit insecure since the events of the last couple of years and can be quite cynical, but I felt pretty confident that he liked me.

I left him a short voice note yesterday at lunchtime saying I'd had such fun with him, referencing something he'd said . Nothing too heavy, only a minute long, but quite flirty. He replied "Mmmmmm" something he's said before when he liked what I said. Since then nothing.

I am being ghosted aren't I? And should I just do nothing? I want to message again but I guess thats a bad idea?

So surprised as I really would have expected him to say "sorry I am not feeling it", if he wasn't.

What is his background ?

You don't mention that so its hard to comment really :)

I wouldn’t message again. I would give him till this evening and then assume he has changed his mind. This does happen in the very early days.

I'm in no way saying that this is why, but some men don't want the restrictions that come with dating someone who has a child. Does he have any children? Maybe you having to go home to the babysitter has brought it home to him?

I do hope he comes back to you with a reasonable explanation why he couldn't get in touch though.

I'd give it at least until tonight, it's not even been 24 hours yet.

It was only yesterday lunchtime, he could be busy. He did text you back after your voice note.

Don't message him again. Seems he may have cold feet.

Even if he does message you, I'd proceed with caution at this point as the sudden drop in communication implies well... that something not good is going on.

Unfortunately, ghosting seems to be the norm these days for getting out of things rather than being decent and telling a person you're not interested.

I’m not sure I’d consider it a ghosting yet. It hasn’t been long.

He might be being a bit off for some reason (you’ll likely never know why) so I wouldn’t message again yet but just wait and see what happens.

I agree with other PP’s don’t message again and wait and see. If he’s interested he’ll be in touch.

Sadly ghosting seems the norm these days rather than just saying ‘sorry I’m not feeling it’. Yes it’s rude but it happens too frequently especially with OLD.

Why do people always say they’ve been ghosted then it turns out they spoke yesterday 🤦‍♀️ see it so much on MN.

He has been divorced five years, year long relationship since that didnt go the long haul. He has two kids similar ages to mine.

We are in our 50s (I am too old for this).

It just really surprised me as I think we are both people who would have no problem in saying that we weren't interested any more - he seemed very straight up. I've had dates where I thought I would get ghosted, but this is really bugging me.

Agree that I cant pick it back up now anyway as 24 hours not texting is completely out of context for us, so there's something weird.

I want to reply "oh, bit suprised at the ghosting, but take care". But I should probably just let it go.

Damn, he was the first person I had met in a while that I liked.

I think I'm saying ghosted because its so very different to our communications for the last few weeks. If we spoke once a day then I wouldn't think anything of it. but we messaged 100 times a day.

More fool me I guess.

Well you've been ghosted from the point that the person stops responding...

I find the ones that message non stop, burn out quickly, perhaps he's after one thing? Don't let them consume too much of your time and energy in the early days, the balls in his court, he doesn't owe you anything and vice versa is the best way to look at it, no expectations until you are officially together.

Ghosting is so fucking cruel. It's just horrible. And as people say, it seems to have become the norm. You're now left second guessing for x amount of time, with no hope of knowing the reason.

We could all give you reasons for why - busy/children/dead grandma - but actually, what you need to do is try 'not' to think about why. You don't know why and never will. Try not to give him headspace.

It only depends on the frequency of the texting prior.
One day might not be long if that's all you normally do.
But if you normally text even when sat on a loo, then 24 hours is ghosting.

It is whatever is out of kilter with the norm.

It’s been ONE day. Maybe just maybe he is busy!

And he responded to her last message. That isn’t being “ghosted” if every time you haven’t spoken for a day you’ve been “ghosted”

Fuck sake he was the last one to message so it's your turn.

It's been a day.

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Message him something normal like how is your day and see what he does. If he doesn't reply you're ghosted.

Don't accuse him of ghosting after 1 day when he sent the last message or you'll look unhinged

Thanks for the responses.

I think I will leave it today and then message him tonight just telling him something about my day.

If I dont get a response to that, I'll just put it out of my head.

I want to reply "oh, bit suprised at the ghosting, but take care". But I should probably just let it go.

Never ever send a message like this under any circumstances. Have some dignity. If someone ghosts someone just ghost them right fucking back.

As it stands its only been a day. Chill out.

In fairness he did send the last message. Although short! Could be that he is insecure about things as well and thinks he’s been ghosted!!

now times gone by and it’s awkward.
I would do as others suggested and just message something really casual like Hi how’s it going? See how he responds and go from there

I’d do it now though as the longer you leave it the more awkward it will be! What’s the worst that can happen

Lare to this thread. Please don't message him any more. An interested man will message you, it's not like he needs reminding of your existence

But hang on, isn't he the one that messaged last?

Just to update, he messaged me mid afternoon, with, sorry I've been busy. I messaged back an hour later, and I'm still unread.

I do fundamentally believe that no-one is too busy to send a message. And I think its not about him not messaging for a period, its the change in behaviour.

This is not how he was a couple of days ago, so I'm trusting my instinct and drawing a line under it.