Ghosting

[Lambzig]

I've been online dating for a couple of months since a 6 month relationship broke up. Did online dating before that, and had a few terrible/amusing dates, but nothing that went anywhere, similar this time.

About a month ago I started chatting to someone, instant online attraction - we chatted a lot. Had a first date which went really well, the chemistry had definitely translated to real life, we had a great kiss. Since then we carried on messaging a lot, lots of voice notes, conversation was flying, both of us sneaking off to the loo at our respective parties to message, our second date wonderful. On Tuesday we met up at lunchtime with no particular agenda, went for a long walk, went to a gallery, had some supper and some drinks. Lots of touching, kissing, holding hands and having fun. We parted late at night, both of us saying we wished I didn't have to go home (babysitter) and thought that we should arrange something different next time.

I tend to be quite a bit insecure since the events of the last couple of years and can be quite cynical, but I felt pretty confident that he liked me.

I left him a short voice note yesterday at lunchtime saying I'd had such fun with him, referencing something he'd said . Nothing too heavy, only a minute long, but quite flirty. He replied "Mmmmmm" something he's said before when he liked what I said. Since then nothing.

I am being ghosted aren't I? And should I just do nothing? I want to message again but I guess thats a bad idea?

So surprised as I really would have expected him to say "sorry I am not feeling it", if he wasn't.

This is what I call the slow fade as opposed to ghosting. It's not a sudden halt in communication but a deliberate fade in frequency/content etc leading to a complete petering out. Just as horrible but it takes lingering because there's always that sliver of hope that normal communication is returning.

I would just stop replying if I were you OP, and not prolong things.

Longer not lingering!

He is very rude ignoring your message , don't let someone like him make you feel down, delete him entirely off your phone, it will make you feel better not seeing his name. It's his loss now you're not interested if he tries to come back.

Very weird update.

i didn’t message again and then he called me on Sunday. He apologised, said there has been a lot going on with his sons and his head hadn’t been in the right space. He had just realised that he was messing up with me. He’d bought gig tickets for a band we had discussed and he’d understand if I told him to get lost but he’d like to see me again and talk more.

I said ok, but if he needs headspace he needs to tell me not just disappear. He said yes he understood but it wouldn’t be an issue.

I'm very wary but we had a really long fun messaging chat last night. And have a couple of plans in the diary to meet up.

I guess just see what happens.

I'm guessing the other women didn't work out. I would proceed with caution and see what happens but I wouldn't be getting overly invested in this one for quite a while

That’s what I thought. Which is where I struggle because of course it’s ok if he’s seeing other people at this stage. But, yes I’m not going to get invested for a long while.

Yeah just keep it casual and let him show you that he is putting the effort in and if he does then you respond with letting him spend time with you.

This

Good luck! At least you have your wits about you.

@Lambzig op have fun and hope it works out. Maybe he had a wobble and needed a break or was finishing something off somewhere else to make room / something else wasn't what he thought it would be. My advice would be to let him now make all of the running. I would probably go on a few other dates with other chaps as well just to stop myself getting too caught up too quickly! He has shown he can back off so enjoy it but also protect yourself. Xx

Nah I’d tell him to do one. You’ll always have it in the back of your mind he’d do it again!
Actually I’d probably slow fade him right back and then tell him on the day I can’t make the concert, but I’m petty like that 😁

Wow @CoatesCat - what an astoundingly unpleasant post. Not sure why you feel the need to respond so angrily to a post asking for advice.

OP - Personally I’d cancel the gig as I would struggle to feel the same about him but if you think he’s worth it then hopefully you are right and you’ll have a good time and it will be onwards and upwards.

I think there is something about OLD - the texting, messaging etc that gives the illusion of intimacy before there really is any firm basis. It’s a tough climate - don’t be hard in yourself and maybe stay cautious even if it all seems to be going well. Good luck.

And why don't you simmer down? I hate OLD but I know from those who have done it that it creates this feeling of being in a relationship where you're really not. That's not like one you'd have with the postman.

I think with old some people make a lot of effort at first then show their true colours. I’m like you I would think he is backing off. Communication is important to you. Play him at his own game. Stop responding quickly. If he isn’t good enough block and move on. He may have only been interested in one thing. Which may be different to you, maybe he has realised that.

Any updates on this @Lambzig ?

I'm invested in the story and would love to know how things turned out! :)