Ghosting

[Lambzig]

I've been online dating for a couple of months since a 6 month relationship broke up. Did online dating before that, and had a few terrible/amusing dates, but nothing that went anywhere, similar this time.

About a month ago I started chatting to someone, instant online attraction - we chatted a lot. Had a first date which went really well, the chemistry had definitely translated to real life, we had a great kiss. Since then we carried on messaging a lot, lots of voice notes, conversation was flying, both of us sneaking off to the loo at our respective parties to message, our second date wonderful. On Tuesday we met up at lunchtime with no particular agenda, went for a long walk, went to a gallery, had some supper and some drinks. Lots of touching, kissing, holding hands and having fun. We parted late at night, both of us saying we wished I didn't have to go home (babysitter) and thought that we should arrange something different next time.

I tend to be quite a bit insecure since the events of the last couple of years and can be quite cynical, but I felt pretty confident that he liked me.

I left him a short voice note yesterday at lunchtime saying I'd had such fun with him, referencing something he'd said . Nothing too heavy, only a minute long, but quite flirty. He replied "Mmmmmm" something he's said before when he liked what I said. Since then nothing.

I am being ghosted aren't I? And should I just do nothing? I want to message again but I guess thats a bad idea?

So surprised as I really would have expected him to say "sorry I am not feeling it", if he wasn't.

OP - I agree with you, it’s about the change in behavioural pattern. Listen to your gut feeling as your mind may inevitably try to find other explanations of his behaviour. Whether he’s too busy, has some problems, his head’s been turned - it doesn’t matter as he’s not transparent with you and that’s unattractive.

Oh come on.

My bf messages hardly at all sometimes during the day and it's early days. He has loads of projects on at the moment and has been working until 11pm or later sometimes. He just wants it done and not distracted.

I can't sit on my phone all day at work either and sometimes don't message first until gone 5pm.

You are old enough to remember when there was only landlines and so am I. My first bf called me about 3 times a week in uni holidays.

Why would it make you feel more connected if you got a few more banal messages a day. It's a bit over kill but ultimately your choice.

Intense things often do burn out quickly. I would be your usual self and let him sort himself out. He might have all kinds of things going on, an ex back on the scene, other people he's dating, cold feet, whatever, I wouldn't push it now, just leave it to all settle and see what happens. He might give it all some thought or finish with the ex or he might just decide this isn't for him. It's often not about you. But he will let you know of he wants to get to know you more and I'd want to get to know him more too. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen.

It does sound like he’s distancing himself tbh. Ok he may be busy but if it were me I would say ‘sorry been bit busy I’ll message over the weekend ’ something like that.
I hate closed messages - give me something to go on!

Yes its the contrast to previous behaviour. I dont need to be messaged constantly, I haven't in other relationships, its just what we were doing. And whatever he has going on, he's not being entirely straight up with me.

And I really dont want to be someone's Plan B.

It's bothering me less this morning. And thank you for the advice. I am quite new to this, and wondering if it is the right thing for me, because its a bit bruising.

I don't personally agree with it as I'm old school but a lot of people OLD seem to date lots of people at the same time at the beginning. Maybe he's pursuing someone else. Also if you are both in your 50s but you still need a babysitter that may well put him off. You say he's got kids similar age but presumably with his ex most of the time, so he has more freedom? I'd move on. As others have said, men who are really interested will keep in touch, certainly in the early stages, so no-one else nabs you! Once you get to being in a relationship properly it normally calms down a bit as everyone is a bit more secure.

I would just draw a line under it and move on to next. I had a similar experience recently although we met IRL, 2-3 weeks of messaging then he just disappeared, I think he was either connected to someone else or I said something to offend lol, I haven't let it bother me as I've learnt they come and go quickly.

It is a bit disappointing though and it's fine to feel like that. You do tend to get a bit hopeful when someone nice comes by, but really you know nothing about them (apart from their highly selective first and second date account) and it's hard but if he's not into you or not available or just a bit flaky, then you are well out of it and are now free to meet someone else nice. He's not a prize catch if he's going to blow hot and cold (I dumped someone for doing this after two dates and he was most surprised, I think he thought texting twice a week after being really keen was keeping me on the back burner!)

Draw a line, it's a learning curve. However, the man that will say the words, Sorry I'm not feeling it when he begins to realise he is indeed not feeling it, is a rare beast indeed.

Secondly, a one minute long voicenote, that's not short and breezy, that is loooong and if I saw one I'd view it as too much of a commitment and want to skip to the point.

If you get the feeling a bloke is cooling off or not bothered about you, in general, you're spot on.

The reason they don't say 'I'm not feeling it' is because it keeps the option to pop back up again in a week or two open. I only met one very honest man when dating and he explained why after two dates he wasn't feeling it and he was absolutely lovely and he went up in my opinion! Very few are like that.

I've just been through something like this.

Met a lovely man online, went to WhatsApp, first date planned for tomorrow, Saturday. Daily messages. The morning ones, the 'let me know you got home safely' ones.

Then last Sunday, he went quiet at lunchtime. Didn't even read the one message I sent in the evening.

Nothing Monday morning. Then I was assaulted quite badly at work (MH hospital) and messaged him and he was on and off and didn't read or reply!!

From this thread, I've learned that the full on ones often fizzle out.

I find speaking to multiple people too difficult. I feel a bit traumatised. And that on top of the assault! He was the nicest guy I'd chatted to in ages.

Not necessarily ghosted given the update

but I’d def not chase him either

tis disappointing when this happens

No one is too busy to send a message? Sometimes you can be too busy and then remember later that you didn't reply to a message.

Things can't stay as intense as they are at the beginning. He may be finding the time taken with messaging too much and have been neglecting things he really can't ignore anymore. He may find it necessary to change that pattern.

If you feel that it's because he's cooled and wants to end it and that things are better brought to an end, that's up to you. Hopefully you do find the person you are looking for.

I have sent a message before to just say, "if you're not really feeling it, that's fine. Just let me know".

Just take each day as it comes and enjoy for what it is. Don't plan for a future already. If he texts, great, if he doesn't, keep your options open until you are officially in a relationship.

It's a numbers game. He is probably messaging and dating multiple women. You have slipped down the pecking order. OLD is brutal sorry. I wouldn't contact him again.

Any update?

He messaged back yesterday evening briefly. I replied. He hasn’t read it.

These things happen.

He was probably a bit out of my league looks wise anyway.

I had a bit of a horrid break up with someone I was seeing for six months a few months ago. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to date again yet.

Please don't knock yourself or doubt your worth.

"He was probably a bit out of my league looks wise anyway".

He's actually probably a bit of a twat, who clearly doesn't have the balls to just let you know one way or the other.

You sound lovely

OLD is rubbish. It's really hard work isn't it - I've been on and off them for a couple of years. I sometimes have to take a break. I'm pretty thick skinned, with a low tolerance for fools, and I'm really good at spotting red flags. My standards are high and most of the time I'm blocking and deleting

Take back control.... block and delete the fucker..... onwards and upwards!!

And you are out of his league kindness wise.

I know it’s hard OP but don’t take it personally.
There’s a lot of game players on OLD who are multi dating and chasing the thrill.

Just put it down to experience, delete and put him in the bin.

@something2say No you met what you THOUGHT was a lovely guy.

@Lambzig why do you think being good looking raises someone's worth? There are good looking murderers, thieves, and just good looking twats in general. It doesn't make their personality any better.

I do know that really. And on a good day I wouldn’t say that about myself. But today isn’t a good day.

You are worth far more than this idiot. You dated with good intentions, he is a player and initially showed you his charismatic side, now he's showing you his real self. Don't waste any more time on him, he will string you along for his own ego. You sound a really nice person, you need to find an equally lovely person and this pillock isn't it. Go back looking for your Mr Right.

Op I think we can all relate to how you are feeling. I read something quite deep recently that said the way others treat us isn't about us it's about how they feel about themselves or about what they are going through at the time. We often never know the truth about another's reality so we should try not to internalise other people's behaviour and see it as theirs... if that makes sense. I think the chap in question will realise his mistake and try and come back to you but in your mind, this will probably be a bit spoilt now. Sorry op these things happen. Best to be less emotionally attached for a good while if possible. And see it as a positive experience- you gave it a go with someone you fancied that's a result! Well done you!