Please help me find some strength and figure out what to do

[Neverimagined]

In August he physically hurt me. I called the police and he was bailed with conditions, but I eventually forgave him and dropped the charges. Since then he's been living apart from me and the kids and we've been working on our marriage and his issues. Things have been better over the last few weeks and he's been staying at the house with us a lot more, but it feels like every time I let my guard down and start to feel comfortable and safe, something bad happens.

He's got better, but he has a tendency to overreact to even the slightest bit of negativity from me, either real or perceived, meaning that if I'm ever even slightly bad tempered, or stressed, or ill, or even if I disagree with him about something, he takes it really harshly and completely shuts down on me. He just totally closes off emotionally and seems to lack empathy. He'll walk away, leave the house, give me the silent treatment, threaten to leave me, block me etc. When things are good between us, he's loving and affectionate and reasonable and great fun to be around. But as soon as he detects any kind of negativity from me, he just withdraws and goes stone cold.

Because of this, before August I felt like I was always on eggshells around him, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and setting him off. We have 3 kids, the younger ones are 2 and almost 1. We're pretty much always tired and stressed and ill, so his reactions were a regular occurrence. We've been having counselling since August and he has been making an effort to change. He has improved in a lot of ways, but I just don't know if I can stay on this rollercoaster anymore. It's like things are fine one minute, and then we're on the verge of divorce again the next.

Fast forward to today. I should say that the incident in August happened because I was really ill. He didn't believe me and he treated me horribly. This weekend, he was ill with a bad cold/covid type bug, meaning that I did the bulk of looking after the kids and house. But now I've caught it, and yet again he's just withdrawn on me. Yesterday I tried to power through and carry on as normal, but I could sense that he was withdrawing and being less affectionate towards me.

This morning I woke up and felt absolutely awful. I could really have done with a day in bed. He took me asking him for help in the morning as a criticism, and when I asked if he could take some time off (he works flexibly) to do the school/nursery run so I could go back to bed instead of going out in the cold with the heavy double buggy, he refused and walked out of the house while I was crying and begging him to stay and help me. His reason was that he won't go to school or nursery because they know what he did in August, so it's too uncomfortable for him and the staff for him to go there. But both school and nursery have said they understand the situation and have no problem with him collecting/being around the children, so I don't really think that's a good enough reason.

I feel like he should have put his pride to one side and cared more about his ill and struggling wife than the feelings of the nursery staff or random people on the school run. I'm so burnt out and exhausted on top of being ill and he knows that. I feel so let down by him, yet again. I think it's dawning on me that he's never going to be capable of being there for me when I need him, and that I have a lifetime of being let down by him when I need support, either physically or emotionally, if I stay with him. This is far from the first time he's been shit to me when I've been ill, and is part of a pattern of him shutting down and abandoning me when I become too needy for him to deal with or he feels 'attacked'.

I keep thinking I deserve better than this. But I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing him when I love him so much. I'm scared of having to cope with 3 small kids on my own. I'm scared of being alone forever. I'm scared of the upheaval of separating and how I'd financially manage with 3 kids. I'm scared of regretting it and watching him move on and be happy with someone else. I'm scared of the stigma of being a single mum with kids from 2 different dads. I'm scared of making a mistake and ruining mine and my kids lives and futures.

What on earth do I do? Do I keep working on things and hoping he'll change? I'm not perfect, I have my own faults and I'll admit I've been a bit of a mess since August. I think I'm dealing with some sort of trauma or having some kind of breakdown to be honest. I am trying to address it, but the kids are pretty all consuming at the moment, so it's difficult.

I've been on Mumsnet for years so I know everyone will tell me to LTB. My family and friends have all told me to leave him. But I just don't feel strong enough. It's really not as easy as 'just leave' when it's your actual life. And I love him so much. I don't know what to think or do.

Thank you if you've managed to read all of this. It's so long, I don't really expect anyone to. I just needed to write it all down.

He is controlling you. Behave and you will get scraps, don't and you will get punished.

Read this back and ask yourself what advice you would give a friend.

Hi OP - that sounds so tough.

Like you said, you know everyone is going to say LTB. You might not feel strong enough to now, but you can gain the strength you need one step at a time. I don't think anyone in your situation would be able to just cut and leave with no emotions - it's going to be scary leaving someone and upheaving your life, but you and your DC are worth facing scary things for. The upheaval isn't the worst thing that could happen, staying with an abusive man is.

August wasn't that long ago, if your H is already slipping back into how he was before, leaving you alone and not stepping up then I think from the outside it seems obvious he has no intentions of changing. Before august you already felt on eggshells - that's not a way to live your life. Him being affectionate and loving when it suits him doesn't make up for silent treatments, blocking or physical violence. He's controlling you to behave well and not be ill / sad / needy. It's not normal.

You live apart from him, you're already managing yourself and three little ones! You won't be alone, you'll have family and friends by the sounds of it and your DC.

The first step to leaving is going to be hard, but think about the life you want for your children. They deserve to grow up in a home without their mum walking on eggshells, being let down and abused by their dad - don't let them grow up in a dysfunctional house. You deserve to live without being in fear too.

Thank you for replying. You've both said similar things and that is what it feels like sometimes. But I'm human and I can't help being ill or stressed or down sometimes, so I'm always tripping up in his eyes.

The thing is, he really does seem to want to change. He has made a lot of positive change already, and he seems a lot more self aware and says all the right things when we're with the counsellor or talking calmly together when things are good. But in the moment it's like he can't help it and he just reacts. And sometimes I wonder if it is me being too emotional or needy or moody or whatever.

After this morning he did come back home at lunch time saying he wanted to talk, but I was so ill I didn't have the energy and just wanted to go to bed. He took the baby out for an hour and came home with some flowers and a coffee from my favourite place. But then when it got to school pick up time he again refused to go and collect the kids and got worked up and annoyed at me for being upset that he wouldn't. I told him that it was making me question our relationship and his response to that was to go back to his place and block me, so I've been on my own with the kids all afternoon/evening feeling like death warmed up.

It's just so confusing and exhausting because it's so up and down. One minute we're fine and happy and I'm feeling hopeful, then bam. Something like this happens and we're on the verge of divorce again.

One minute we're fine and happy and I'm feeling hopeful, then bam. Something like this happens and we're on the verge of divorce again.

This is called the cycle of abuse, look it up. It's good when you are doing what he wants, it's bad when you stand up for yourself or ask him to do things he doesn't want to do. He's re-training you, that's all. Classic handbook behaviour. I think you would do well to start reading up about emotional abuse OP.

And it's vitally important that joint counselling shouldn't be attempted if one person is abusive as the abusive person learns how to hide the control and manipulation better and which buttons they can press to get the outcome they want. Get your own immediately.

It's just so confusing and exhausting because it's so up and down. One minute we're fine and happy and I'm feeling hopeful, then bam. Something like this happens and we're on the verge of divorce again.

I get why it's hard, but It shouldn't be confusing. When he acts nice, that doesn't cancel out the fact that he is a cruel abusive arsehole. It shouldn’t be a question of 'Sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's horrible, so it's impossible to tell what to do'. Whatever glimmers of niceness he deigns to give you, he is always, and will always be, that same person who has treated you badly, who has hurt you, who has been cruel to you in your most vulnerable moments. That person doesn't go away, he just manages to act nice sometimes when you behave like he wants you to. That's manipulative and vile. It's worse than him being an abusive pig all the time, because he's stringing you along and giving you crumbs of hope.

Of course you should LTB. You are in a horrible, abusive relationship.

When someone shows you who they are, listen. That's what I keep telling myself. I know all the classic mumsnet advice. But then he'll be nice again and promise to do better next time and I doubt myself all over again. And I really do love him and wonder whether a broken home is the right thing for my kids.

He's abusive.

He can say the right things - but when push comes to shove, he doesn't mean them.

A decent loving man would not expect you to power through illness and get angry with you for being ill. That's just not normal.

It's not you being needy - you should be able to rely on a partner to share the load and be sympathetic and kind.

If he was ill, I doubt your go-to would be to be furious that if he needed help, would it?

If he was ill, I doubt your go-to would be to be furious that if he needed help, would it?

No, but I did get a bit knackered and stressed and annoyed at him at the weekend. But that was towards the tail end of his illness when he was perking up and I was starting to flag myself. I think I've totally lost sight of what's normal and what isn't.

It's just very telling that he'll say the right things to the counsellor and talks a good game when things are easy. He can do the gestures like flowers & treats.

But what you actually need, he won't give you. It's what a person is like when life is hard that actually matters in a relationship, not what they're like when things are going their way.

You mention that you feel like you're going through trauma - that's because you're living with a man who physically hurt you, who emotionally abuses you, and the cognitive dissonance of being trauma-bonded to him.

You shouldn't really be having joint counselling with an abusive man. If you've been on here a long time, you must have seen that advice too. You'd be much better doing individual.

I think you're right @category12 and that's what my gut is telling me. But my heart keeps hoping things will be different if we just keep trying.

I have heard that advice, but I have a hard time reconciling the man I love as abusive. I suppose that's what you mean by cognitive dissonance.

I am actually seeing our counsellor by myself tomorrow, as I thought some solo sessions might help me process what happened. I'd also like to work on my self esteem, because that's pretty much on the floor these days.

I just feel like I'd have such a lot to lose by leaving him. And the thought of watching him move on from a distance is unbearable. I can't imagine wanting anyone else.

You owe it to your kids to get them away from this abusive "man". They don't deserve to be raised in this environment and have no choice on the matter. But you do. You deserve better.

You say you couldn't cope with the kids alone but you are already and it would be alot easier without this mood sucking cretin of a man around.

What would you tell your child in this position? This is what you are teaching them relationships are about. I understand you love him but sweetheart he doesn't love you. This isn't love.

I just feel like I'd have such a lot to lose by leaving him.

Like what? Spell it out, let's see it in black and white.

I see you are spiralling down and blaming yourself for asking at the wrong time, asking with the wrong tone, asking for too much. Asking "what if" and "should I have" along with "but he was having a bad time too".

No @Neverimagined . Just stop. He has you wrapped around his little finger and it's time you found yourself. You cannot be in an equal, loving, supportive relationship if one of you is invisible. Step out from behind him, come into the sunshine and you will blossom. You are worth more.

You ground down to the point of a breakdown isn't what your dc deserve... You being abused - because the silent treatment is a form of abuse - isn't how your dc should grow up - seeing your relationship is normal will damage them more than being raised with you in one home and that twat in another..

Like what? Spell it out, let's see it in black and white.

Well, practical help with the kids for starters. It was him who really wanted the babies, especially the youngest one. I adore DC3, but I never would have had a 3rd child if it wasn't for how badly DH wanted him. I find the two little ones really difficult to cope with sometimes, I love them and I know they can't help it but they're just relentless.

We live in a very 'naice' area with great schools, and he's the main earner and the one with all the assets, I have nothing and we haven't been married that long. I doubt I'd be able to afford to keep living here without him supporting me. So I'd lose my house and area and the good education for my kids. I'd be taking DD away from her school and all her friends.

I've never had much in terms of a career and after almost 2 straight years on maternity leave I've completely lost all confidence in work and my ability to find another job. My work won't let me reduce my hours, and I can't even begin to imagine how I'd cope working full time as a single mum to 3 kids. So I'd probably lose my job too.

And most of all, I suppose I'd just be losing the family and future and husband I thought I was going to have. And that's heartbreaking.

It's heart breaking that in 2023 we still have women willing to tolerate this shit and worrying more about their fake shallow lifestyle than the safety of their kids.

In August he physically hurt you. Keep that at the front of your mind.
Yes I understand your concerns about the nice house, money, good schools but think about this. How many stories have we seen about controlling husbands and fathers who harm wives and children, or even kill them, because they "just snapped "? He's already blaming you for his behaviour ,justifying his unreasonable temper because you were in a mood or you were putting him down when in reality you did nothing of the sort.
Think about all of that and maybe the money, good schools and nice area won't seem so important. A stable environment and a parent who encourages them at school are two of the best attributes children can have.
Approach social services and ask for their support. I'm surprised they haven't contacted you already since he was arrested and bailed for assault. Next time you have to call the police please don't let him convince you to withdraw the complaint. If you don't value your own safety please think of your children's.
You didn't bring any of this on yourself, you fell for a controlling, gaslighting rotter who can probably charm the birds from the trees when he wants to. You've seen the other side of him. He won't change. They never do.
I hope you find the courage,help and support you need and deserve. It won't be easy but it will be worth it

Well, practical help with the kids for starters.
he refused and walked out of the house while I was crying and begging him to stay and help me
^^ your words.

So I'd lose my house and area and the good education for my kids
But you would be giving them an abused and broken mother? Money isn't everything. A "nice" house isn't worth the trauma. To them, as well as you. And a bright kid will learn anywhere. Both of mine taught themselves upto A level biology/chemistry as their school couldn't attract those teachers. They had the will, I had internet.

And most of all, I suppose I'd just be losing the family and future and husband I thought I was going to have.
You have already lost it...if it ever actually existed outside your head. You are seeing him as someone he isn't. He's proved time and again he isn't supportive or kind or considerate.

I have a lifetime of being let down by him when I need support, either physically or emotionally, if I stay with him.
^ It's not just you. It's the three children who will also suffer. All because you like your "nice" house. Yes I'm being harsh but I'm also being honest with you. I think you^ need to do that too.

Edit. Please contact Womens Aid. They can help you get your thoughts in order so you can see your options better. Your counsellor should NEVER have done joint sessions.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like there is no question your husband is abusive - I would look up ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. The physical abuse was one time which is bad enough but he is continually emotionally abusing you. The love you feel may be a ‘trauma bond’, though I’m no expert. Would it be possible to get individual counselling/therapy? I think that would be beneficial, to have time and space to process all your fears, which are completely understandable.

My marriage is ending too and I know how terrifying it feels, particularly financially. But millions of women have done it and so can you. As you’re married and he’s a high earner he would have to pay you maintenance, you would be likely to get housing appropriate to your needs. You can do this.

He's an absolute cunt. It's ok for you to look after him but he can't be arsed to look after you?

His changing is only skin deep. He will never change properly.

Leave him.

I'm not just worried about not having a nice house, I'm not that shallow. I'm worried about making ends meet and being able to afford a house at all. I'm not a high earner and full time nursery for both of the babies alone is quite a bit more than I earn in a month. I don't know how I'd manage by myself.

I realise it must be frustrating when an OP presents a really shit sounding situation and then protests about leaving. I know it doesn't look great from the outside. But like I said, it's so hard when it's your life and kids potentially being upheaved. When it's your husband and the future you had planned together that you're potentially losing.

He's not horrible all the time and that's what makes it so hard. We can be so close and loving and affectionate so much of the time. It just feels so fragile because it doesn't seem to take much for it to turn into this.

I'm taking in everything that everyone has said on this thread and my one from August, and trying to get my head around the idea that it's abusive and that maybe he can't or won't change. But it's a process I think. I actually wrote another thread about 18 months ago when he (yet again) was awful to me when I was ill and I was so upset by it. I had covid and was pregnant and had had a bad night's sleep with the baby, and he shouted at me for needing his help and told me I was letting him and the baby down by not being out at the park 'like all the other mums'. Everyone on here said he was abusive then too, and I was so worried he'd see it and go mad that I asked MNHQ to take it down. I also just could not accept the idea that the person I'd married was abusive. I couldn't bring myself to even think about acknowledging that until he hurt me in August and there was no getting away from it really.

I think @category12 hit the nail on the head when they mentioned cognitive dissonance. I really appreciate all of your replies and support. They're giving me the strength I'm lacking on my own. I just need some time to process all of this.

Hi @Neverimagined did you see my post? He would have to support you financially at least to an extent, you wouldn’t be paying nursery fees etc on your own.

I also think I remember one of your previous posts. You are strong, you can do this.

Maybe speak to a lawyer and see what you could be entitled to?

I think we cross posted @Rainbowdelights23. Yes, he would have to support us to some degree, but I still worry that it would be difficult to manage. I'm so sorry you're going through similar. It's all so scary and I don't feel strong at all.

You can stay and remain in love with a figment of your imagination. He's a bully. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care for you. He's showing you this on a platter.

He can move on from afar and be happy and trust me it won't kill you because you'll be glad you got away.

One day your children will thank you for leaving this monster. Imagine they were old enough to understand that he refused to put his own pride aside for the woman he made vows to, refused to pick his own children up from school and made you do it whilst you were so so unwell.

He has you where he wants you. He wants you in line. And youre keeping in line. No matter what, you do as he says. The best thing in the world for him is that he hit you and he even got you to drop charges.

Ask yourself, would you rather struggle a little but spend the next couple years finding a way forward without him, or stay and watch your children grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable behaviour from a man to his wife - abuse, bullying, and violence.

He doesn't want you strong because you'd kick him out, so he constantly does the push pull to wear you out.

He's an abusive, probably narcissistic man who hates you shown by his behaviour when you need something.

It won't get any better I can assure you and clearly your family and friends who do actually care about you can see this. In the end they may well consider that you deserve what you get if you don't do something and divorce him.

I sense you are trauma bonded and need to address this, a trauma bond is like breaking a nasty drug habit - I know as I've done it. One day you do wake up and never want the 'drug' again realising that it will ultimately make you worse and probably kill you in the end.

Ask your family and friends who care to help you and get on with it. Call police if he gets nasty which he probably will.

You owe it to your children to set an example and protect them.