Please help me find some strength and figure out what to do

[Neverimagined]

In August he physically hurt me. I called the police and he was bailed with conditions, but I eventually forgave him and dropped the charges. Since then he's been living apart from me and the kids and we've been working on our marriage and his issues. Things have been better over the last few weeks and he's been staying at the house with us a lot more, but it feels like every time I let my guard down and start to feel comfortable and safe, something bad happens.

He's got better, but he has a tendency to overreact to even the slightest bit of negativity from me, either real or perceived, meaning that if I'm ever even slightly bad tempered, or stressed, or ill, or even if I disagree with him about something, he takes it really harshly and completely shuts down on me. He just totally closes off emotionally and seems to lack empathy. He'll walk away, leave the house, give me the silent treatment, threaten to leave me, block me etc. When things are good between us, he's loving and affectionate and reasonable and great fun to be around. But as soon as he detects any kind of negativity from me, he just withdraws and goes stone cold.

Because of this, before August I felt like I was always on eggshells around him, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and setting him off. We have 3 kids, the younger ones are 2 and almost 1. We're pretty much always tired and stressed and ill, so his reactions were a regular occurrence. We've been having counselling since August and he has been making an effort to change. He has improved in a lot of ways, but I just don't know if I can stay on this rollercoaster anymore. It's like things are fine one minute, and then we're on the verge of divorce again the next.

Fast forward to today. I should say that the incident in August happened because I was really ill. He didn't believe me and he treated me horribly. This weekend, he was ill with a bad cold/covid type bug, meaning that I did the bulk of looking after the kids and house. But now I've caught it, and yet again he's just withdrawn on me. Yesterday I tried to power through and carry on as normal, but I could sense that he was withdrawing and being less affectionate towards me.

This morning I woke up and felt absolutely awful. I could really have done with a day in bed. He took me asking him for help in the morning as a criticism, and when I asked if he could take some time off (he works flexibly) to do the school/nursery run so I could go back to bed instead of going out in the cold with the heavy double buggy, he refused and walked out of the house while I was crying and begging him to stay and help me. His reason was that he won't go to school or nursery because they know what he did in August, so it's too uncomfortable for him and the staff for him to go there. But both school and nursery have said they understand the situation and have no problem with him collecting/being around the children, so I don't really think that's a good enough reason.

I feel like he should have put his pride to one side and cared more about his ill and struggling wife than the feelings of the nursery staff or random people on the school run. I'm so burnt out and exhausted on top of being ill and he knows that. I feel so let down by him, yet again. I think it's dawning on me that he's never going to be capable of being there for me when I need him, and that I have a lifetime of being let down by him when I need support, either physically or emotionally, if I stay with him. This is far from the first time he's been shit to me when I've been ill, and is part of a pattern of him shutting down and abandoning me when I become too needy for him to deal with or he feels 'attacked'.

I keep thinking I deserve better than this. But I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing him when I love him so much. I'm scared of having to cope with 3 small kids on my own. I'm scared of being alone forever. I'm scared of the upheaval of separating and how I'd financially manage with 3 kids. I'm scared of regretting it and watching him move on and be happy with someone else. I'm scared of the stigma of being a single mum with kids from 2 different dads. I'm scared of making a mistake and ruining mine and my kids lives and futures.

What on earth do I do? Do I keep working on things and hoping he'll change? I'm not perfect, I have my own faults and I'll admit I've been a bit of a mess since August. I think I'm dealing with some sort of trauma or having some kind of breakdown to be honest. I am trying to address it, but the kids are pretty all consuming at the moment, so it's difficult.

I've been on Mumsnet for years so I know everyone will tell me to LTB. My family and friends have all told me to leave him. But I just don't feel strong enough. It's really not as easy as 'just leave' when it's your actual life. And I love him so much. I don't know what to think or do.

Thank you if you've managed to read all of this. It's so long, I don't really expect anyone to. I just needed to write it all down.

What have you got to lose by leaving him? A big headache? Abuse?

This

Sorry I misunderstood on that part but yes your counsellor absolutely should have picked up on signs.

I'm so pleased you're in contact with your local women's centre. Women's aid is available at all times on the phone though too, for advice and counselling whilst you wait, just dropping that in there.

Yes so cold, he knows precisely what he's doing in treating you with such disregard, blocking you until HE wants to speak.

Thinking of you 💐

We're always either really close and attached and affectionate and having loads of great sex or we're on the verge of divorce, there's no middle ground.

honestly this line from you has triggered me, even though I've been separated from my abusive XH for over ten years. This is exactly the rollercoaster I was on. I also relate to your disbelief that the relationship could actually be going to end. I couldn't imagine it and the thought of it was so scary. We separated so many times but each time I expected us to get back together - until we didn't.

In my own experience life is so much better now I've moved on from him. So so much better. I appreciate your life is a bit more complicated than mine was (I only have one DC and I was the main earner) but please don't fear the end. I now have that amazing closeness all the time with a lovely kind man who is never horrible to me.

Possibly she should have - joint counselling is coming from a starting point of treating a couple for communication difficulties and trying to find middle grounds - which obviously is very bad when one of the parties is abusive because there is no middle ground. It often means the abuser starts using what they learn in counselling to further the abuse, they're given Therapese as a new language/tool to use against their partner.

So yes, a good counsellor should spot the signs of abuse and ideally refuse to see such a couple together. But they're human, and they're not all trained to recognise it, and they vary in ethics & quality.

I think it's good at least now that you have seen her alone, that her stance has changed. More specialised support will help when you get to it.

OP, you are worried about a lot of things but TBH I think the only realistic worries are financial, and, you know, people manage and muddle through.
As for the rest, most times, the woman leaves the unsuitable man, everyone says, "Didn't want to say anything but you look so much happier", she meets someone nicer, her ex meets someone and she thinks, "poor cow...". That's what mostly happens!

He leaves u 'breadcrumbs' so u tolerate the shit
Making u stay waiting for the 'sunshine bright sky moments' thinking it's worth it! Iv been their many times before
Trauma bond youtube
Narcissist youtube
Only YOU can have enuff
Sounds as tho u feel ur nothing without him
Im a singlr parent to two children
Yes i am on benefits anf have a council house
But im happy my kids r happy
No constant need to walk on egg shells thinking im not good enuff
U have to b out to see it sometimes
Ppl can change
But the majority do not
The freedom project
Do u recognise the abuse ? Coercive control?
Put urself 1st for a week with him and around him see how he responds
Also if u do plan on leavr maybe read up on womens aid
Good luck

Just stop. Your children deserve better, even if you won't get rid of this abuser for your own sake. Get professional help, you are enabling him, condemning yourself and your children life of misery. Why would you do that to your kids? Being poor is crap but it's a damned site better than watching your mother let your father knock her about and treat her like crap. He'll ruin the kids' chances of a happy life too.

I've just been re-reading this thread as I do some more soul searching, and I just wanted to say a massive thank you again @LittleGreenDragons for your patient and helpful posts. How is your situation now? I really hope you're ok. You seem so kind, you really deserve to be happy.

Thank you too @Twillow for the free and discreet version of Lundy Bancroft. That's been absolutely invaluable. I'm reading it on my phone whenever I have a few spare minutes and he has no idea. I would never have dared to buy either the physical or kindle copy because he would have seen it and asked questions or used it against me somehow. It's really helping me to see his behaviour and the situation more clearly. So huge thank you for that.

I start my counselling sessions with the women's centre next week. I also opened up to the HV about my situation during DC2's 2 year review a few weeks ago, and she said she would refer me to the freedom programme. I haven't heard anything about that yet though, so I plan to chase it up now Christmas is out of the way. I also think the antidepressants I started taking a couple of months ago are working now and are allowing me to emotionally detatch from the situation a bit, which definitely helps.

Things have generally been quite peaceful over the last month or so, and he does seem to have really been reflecting on his behaviour and making an effort to react and deal with things differently. He's had some solo counselling sessions of his own with our couples counsellor which seem to have changed his mindset somewhat. He's also agreed to refer himself to an abuse perpetrator programme, so we'll see if that materialises now Christmas is over.

I've still been making a conscious effort not to get too comfortable or drop my guard around him too much. Things have been better, but every now and again it's like the mask slips, but to a lesser degree I suppose. He went back to his hometown to visit friends and family on Friday, and since he got back DD and I have both felt on eggshells again. I confronted him about it tonight, and although he eventually did seem to take some of what I said on board, there was still a lot of gaslighting and DARVO going on before it got to that point. It's exhausting.

I've decided that, for now, my plan is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I've made a list of things I need to achieve to feel like I'm in a position to leave him. I think it'll take around 6-9 months to get them all ticked off. My work situation is precarious, as I'm coming to the end of my second maternity leave in 2 years, and I might have to quit because the cost of childcare is vastly more than I earn, but work are refusing to let me reduce my hours. Once I know what's happening with that or I manage to find a new job that fits around the kids and childcare, I'll feel much better for a start.

Right now I still feel trapped in my darker moments and somewhat hopeful in the better ones. But I feel much stronger and more positive overall now I'm aware of what's happening and the cycle of it all. Being able to name the behaviours and tactics definitely takes some of the power out of them. So thank you again to everyone who took the time to post and help me see it for what it is.

You brave thing. You do sound in a better place and your update made me smile. Keep listening to your instincts now you’re more in tune and good luck - you and those babies come first. Happy Mums come first - prioritise yourself and your happiness and theirs will follow xx