Please help me find some strength and figure out what to do

[Neverimagined]

In August he physically hurt me. I called the police and he was bailed with conditions, but I eventually forgave him and dropped the charges. Since then he's been living apart from me and the kids and we've been working on our marriage and his issues. Things have been better over the last few weeks and he's been staying at the house with us a lot more, but it feels like every time I let my guard down and start to feel comfortable and safe, something bad happens.

He's got better, but he has a tendency to overreact to even the slightest bit of negativity from me, either real or perceived, meaning that if I'm ever even slightly bad tempered, or stressed, or ill, or even if I disagree with him about something, he takes it really harshly and completely shuts down on me. He just totally closes off emotionally and seems to lack empathy. He'll walk away, leave the house, give me the silent treatment, threaten to leave me, block me etc. When things are good between us, he's loving and affectionate and reasonable and great fun to be around. But as soon as he detects any kind of negativity from me, he just withdraws and goes stone cold.

Because of this, before August I felt like I was always on eggshells around him, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and setting him off. We have 3 kids, the younger ones are 2 and almost 1. We're pretty much always tired and stressed and ill, so his reactions were a regular occurrence. We've been having counselling since August and he has been making an effort to change. He has improved in a lot of ways, but I just don't know if I can stay on this rollercoaster anymore. It's like things are fine one minute, and then we're on the verge of divorce again the next.

Fast forward to today. I should say that the incident in August happened because I was really ill. He didn't believe me and he treated me horribly. This weekend, he was ill with a bad cold/covid type bug, meaning that I did the bulk of looking after the kids and house. But now I've caught it, and yet again he's just withdrawn on me. Yesterday I tried to power through and carry on as normal, but I could sense that he was withdrawing and being less affectionate towards me.

This morning I woke up and felt absolutely awful. I could really have done with a day in bed. He took me asking him for help in the morning as a criticism, and when I asked if he could take some time off (he works flexibly) to do the school/nursery run so I could go back to bed instead of going out in the cold with the heavy double buggy, he refused and walked out of the house while I was crying and begging him to stay and help me. His reason was that he won't go to school or nursery because they know what he did in August, so it's too uncomfortable for him and the staff for him to go there. But both school and nursery have said they understand the situation and have no problem with him collecting/being around the children, so I don't really think that's a good enough reason.

I feel like he should have put his pride to one side and cared more about his ill and struggling wife than the feelings of the nursery staff or random people on the school run. I'm so burnt out and exhausted on top of being ill and he knows that. I feel so let down by him, yet again. I think it's dawning on me that he's never going to be capable of being there for me when I need him, and that I have a lifetime of being let down by him when I need support, either physically or emotionally, if I stay with him. This is far from the first time he's been shit to me when I've been ill, and is part of a pattern of him shutting down and abandoning me when I become too needy for him to deal with or he feels 'attacked'.

I keep thinking I deserve better than this. But I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing him when I love him so much. I'm scared of having to cope with 3 small kids on my own. I'm scared of being alone forever. I'm scared of the upheaval of separating and how I'd financially manage with 3 kids. I'm scared of regretting it and watching him move on and be happy with someone else. I'm scared of the stigma of being a single mum with kids from 2 different dads. I'm scared of making a mistake and ruining mine and my kids lives and futures.

What on earth do I do? Do I keep working on things and hoping he'll change? I'm not perfect, I have my own faults and I'll admit I've been a bit of a mess since August. I think I'm dealing with some sort of trauma or having some kind of breakdown to be honest. I am trying to address it, but the kids are pretty all consuming at the moment, so it's difficult.

I've been on Mumsnet for years so I know everyone will tell me to LTB. My family and friends have all told me to leave him. But I just don't feel strong enough. It's really not as easy as 'just leave' when it's your actual life. And I love him so much. I don't know what to think or do.

Thank you if you've managed to read all of this. It's so long, I don't really expect anyone to. I just needed to write it all down.

I have to be up at 5am tomorrow but I'm so anxious I can't sleep. I'm googling trauma bond because a few people have mentioned it now. I'll be bringing this idea up with the counsellor tomorrow, thank you.

Realistically, even if I did want to leave him right now, I don't think I could act immediately. I'd need to spend some time getting my ducks in a row first and get back to work or find a new job with more manageable hours. I need some financial independence back. Maybe then it wouldn't seem so scary and impossible.

As @LittleGreenDragons has said that’s the cycle of abuse. It’s well known, well documented and I’d bet every abused woman in the country can describe a variation of it.
Do you still want to live like this a year from now? 5 years? 10 years? With each year your children will learn this is how adults behave. This is what a man does, this is what a woman does and I’ll do the same.
It’s hard to leave but it’s a whole lot better than living like you are. Talk to Women’s Aid and get some support for yourself.

The bottom line is you are scared of him, having to manage your feelings so he doesn't become angry and volotile.

You were unlucky, you met someone who deep down is a cruel bully and enjoys controlling his family, he's not your protector, he's your enemy, these types of men are literally sub human, they aportion no corolation to the poor treatment they inflict on their wives with being poor parents, they disasociate their abuse to their partner thinking it has no effect on the children.

Your children will learn to side with their father in arguments and disputes as this will be safer for them, or they will try to ignor the abuse.
He will become worse, these men never get better, all you can hope for is to keep as quiet as possible and not have any feelings so as not to upset him, this is an unequal relationship.

Keep a record of the abuse, I hope one day you can find the strength and support to expose him and leave.

It's not your fault, just remember that, sometimes people are just unlucky and manage to find a really nasty cruel one, you wouldn't have seen this in the begining.

OP - it takes on average seven times to leave before your truly ready, the seven times for me has taken 22 years, there was an incident in July which involved the police, this was my ticket out, I filed for divorce the next day. I am still living in the house while things are being sorted but soon I will be free, OP don't be me.

Your reasons for loving him don't apply just to him. You're loving living in a nice area, being married with a man earning good money. It's very materialistic and therefore you could have that with someone who doesn't physically and emotionally abuse you. LTB

You do deserve better. There may well be a point in time you get to your limit and say no more.

3 days ago I split up with a man without the violence but horrible to me. He never would be there for me. The minute I needed something or felt off he got frustrated and shut me down.

I think you know already about silent treatments and what they are all about. It's an element of control to shut you down so you can't discuss what you need to. Then they come back and you are so relieved and don't wish to rattle them again you end up not discussing their shitty behaviour.

I know you are bogged down and exhausted with young children and you need his support. I dont doubt he is good at times. Maybe even lovely at times. But he can't change. This is his personality. So this is what your life will be like in 5 years time. What does that feel like to you?

I had it all going on. He was on dating apps. Clearly messaging someone else whilst I was sat on the sofa. Probably misbehaving and sneaking about on and off all the time like that. Borrowing my money. Verbal abuse hurled at me whenever I brought up his bad behaviour or the way he was being. He was not bothered I had children he treated me however he felt. He made me cry. I used to walk out and leave at all hours because something couldn't be discussed that I needed to talk about. There are things you can do if you want to leave. Ideally you need to separate from him ASAP. He's violent aswel as emotionally abusive. There's not much happiness ahead is there?

You will be OK as I will too. 3 days in and I already feel a ton better. Ive lost all respect for him and I'm excited to start living for me again.

Keep reading these replies and look at other similar abusive situations on here, take in the advice, can you call women's aid in a quiet moment when he's out? Be brave and take the steps you need to leave him

Those aren't the reasons I love him @RedHelenB, they're the reasons I'm hesitant to uproot my children and potentially plunge them into poverty.

Thank you for sharing @Again12 and I'm so sorry you've experienced similar. Well done for leaving him. You sound so strong, I wish I could be like you. Right now my future feels bleak whichever way I look.

I haven't heard anything from him since one message yesterday afternoon, where he essentially blamed me for being upset and then blocked me. I'm still blocked and he's removed his location from our shared Google maps. He came to the house at about 7am this morning to drop off the car. He walked in, kissed all the kids and then walked out again. All without acknowledging me at all.

This is a pretty typical response from him. If I'm ever upset or hurt by him, he turns it around and makes it all about how me getting upset has hurt him. Then I'm the bad guy who ends up apologising. If I get worked up or emotional he'll call me crazy or abusive. It took me a while to realise that's what was happening over and over again.

I've been reading about trauma bonding and it really resonates with me. I honestly feel like I'm on an endless emotional rollercoaster. We're always either really close and attached and affectionate and having loads of great sex or we're on the verge of divorce, there's no middle ground. I'm going to bring it up with the counsellor today and explore it a bit more. I'm also on the waiting list for some DV specific counselling from a local women's centre, so hopefully that will happen soon, as I think it will help me a lot more.

I keep flipping between thinking this is the final straw and then remembering all good things about him and our relationship and changing my mind. I saw a video on Instagram earlier about different couple dynamics and one sounded really familiar, and then the therapist making the video was saying that this type of couple can do really well in therapy together. So then I start feeling hopeful and thinking it's fixable again.

This is the reason I said spell it out in black and white. Both are your words but they will get different responses.

We live in a very 'naice' area with great schools, and he's the main earner and the one with all the assets, I have nothing and we haven't been married that long. I doubt I'd be able to afford to keep living here without him supporting me. So I'd lose my house and area and the good education for my kids.

^^ shallow and money oriented.

I'm worried about making ends meet and being able to afford a house at all.

^^ very reasonable concern.
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Money wise go speak to a welfare officer at the local council or speak to CAB for what you are entitled to regarding benefits as a single mother.

Go speak to a divorce solicitor, a one off hour for a small fee is worth its weight in gold. Yes you haven't been married long but the length of time you were together pre-marriage can also count if there are joint children involved. Nothing is set in stone so seek proper advice.

Start collating copies of his, yours, joint bank statements, investments, savings, pensions etc.
Keep an eye on the property market to see what is the minimum you could afford to buy, yes you might have to move area or schools but this is also information the judge will need too. See what is needed for rentals.
Start putting money away for rental deposit and 3 months worth of bills. Get that buffer in place.

In the meantime speak to Women's Aid who will help you see this cycle of abusive treatment. It's classic. Start reading up about abuse so you can recognise it. It's on the government website, councils, age concern, shelter, cab, womens aid, refuge, relate. That's even before you go on YouTube and see counsellors putting up 4 minute videos of different abuse techniques.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. How much longer can you survive like this? Then question yourself why you are choosing survival instead of living. Then question yourself why are you choosing living instead of thriving.

I asked myself those questions. I'm in the process of leaving with no money and no ability to earn any so I might be homeless too but if I stay I die, if I leave I have a chance. I choose not to die, that's my bottom line.

I haven't heard anything from him since one message yesterday afternoon, where he essentially blamed me for being upset and then blocked me. I'm still blocked and he's removed his location from our shared Google maps. He came to the house at about 7am this morning to drop off the car. He walked in, kissed all the kids and then walked out again. All without acknowledging me at all.

^ See, one of your reasons for not leaving was because of needing practical help. I don't see you saying what he actually does but you keep posting this kind of stuff. What does he actually do^?

((And I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh or mean but you keep saying one thing then back tracking, the rewording it but it still means the same which is why I want you to pinpoint where you need help so we can give it, my apologies if I'm making it worse for you))

Oh, you poor thing. You must be feeling pretty distraught today (well, recently) especially with feeling poorly and having begged and cried for help with your little ones. I think you know what to do and maybe just reaching out for support and agreement - you are right to do so, this is a form of abuse. You are obviously doing really well already if you guys are living apart so you're probably already somewhat used to what life might be like. But... day to day could actually be more relaxing with not walking on eggshells etc. My advice... keep reaching out like this to us and any other online communities for the strength you need, make the plans you and the children need quietly and consider how you will effect the actual split safely as the events in August sound worrying. I really hope you feel better - and in a better place soon. Sending hugs and strength x

Sorry one more thing, I was a single Mum for many, many years - I was so much happier and a better Mum meaning my kids were happier when we were secure and on our own. Even if money was super tight at some points xx

@LittleGreenDragons your tough love approach is probably exactly what I need, don't apologise. We aren't rich by any means, but what I meant is that we have a nice, comfortable life and I stand to lose that. I'm not sure it makes me shallow to be apprehensive about jumping from that to housing and financial insecurity, especially when I have the kids to think of. Thank you for your advice though. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now but I will take it on board when I'm ready.

Practically he is very hands on with the kids and the house when he's around and things are good. He takes care of a lot of the life admin/money related stuff. He makes sure I get plenty of time to myself to exercise and sleep. But these are all things he'll take away in an instant when I 'attack' him (ie, get upset or hurt by his actions and try to raise it with him) and he withdraws from me. I know that.

OP I know everything seems complicated and overwhelming and you are doing so well just posting on here and beginning to think things through.

As someone who recently ended her marriage (it was not abusive but was making me miserable for a long time) a key, very simple question was - can I be happy with him? When I answered no to that everything seemed clear. It seems that you can’t be happy in your marriage because even when things are good you know they will become bad very soon.

And to the ‘can I be happy’ question you can also add ‘can I be safe with him’? To which the answer is no. Remember if you leave is a hard road ahead but there is light at the end of the tunnel - whereas if you stay things will simply continue as they are, or even get worse. Wishing you all the very best.

Right, so you need to start being proactive when he's in a good mood. Can you ask him to show you the basics of the life admin/bills under the guise of if he gets ill or has an accident. You need to know for the sake of your children. Then when he takes it away you will be in a better position. Same with anything he controls and can take away.

I know it's hard. It's taken me a long time to see (30 bad years), then a long time to plan. But the point is once you are aware, you need to try to keep moving forward. Mine is controlling but everyone thinks he's lovely. I'm still going to bed hungry at least one day a week because he has all the money and the means to food shop, I don't have that ability. This just means poverty/hunger no longer scares me. Homelessness does so I have reduced my chances of that to the minimum by speaking with a solicitor, cab, womens aid, saving the odd tenner, selling stuff etc. I have got new glasses, newer clothes that fit, good shoes, a new phone with plenty of payg credit, been to dentist, so when I leave I don't have to spend on those items for a very long time, my money will go on bills (all done when he was in a good mood). My next plan is to get extra food tins, laundry products, toilet rolls, etc so I only need to buy fresh food in the first couple of months. I'm still in the same house, same life, but I'm moving forward, little by little, and by next year I should be free. That's the kind of planning you could do too if you have little/no money of your own.

Definitely find out your financial rights regarding benefits and divorce since you have young children. Knowledge is power and will give you the strength to make proper decisions. Good luck

Oh @LittleGreenDragons i hope you are okay! Can’t you get out sooner? Needless to say it is abuse for him to starve you!!

Thank you, it's been so long (and normalised) that I can cope a little longer. It all started when we had little money and I made sure the children ate first, then him. But this is what I want OP to work out. Her biggest fears/obstacles and then work out how to solve each individual one rather than one huge insurmountable problem. But more importantly, for her to realise she isn't trapped if she changes her thinking slightly, and all of us here can help/guide her with that. I thought I couldn't leave because I couldn't afford food then I realised I wasn't getting food on a regular basis anyway, duh!

@LittleGreenDragons I'm so sorry you're going through all of that and thank you so much for taking the time to help me when you are. I hope you're able to be happy soon.

My session with the counsellor today was really productive, I think she was quite taken aback by how I'm actually feeling versus how I come across in the joint sessions. She suggested putting some boundaries in place and telling him I want space from him while I decide what to do, so I've done that. She also suggested that we stop having joint sessions and that I go to her on my own to work on my self esteem and confidence, so that I'm less reliant on him and feel strong enough to leave.

I'm definitely feeling a bit stronger, thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread. I don't think I'm quite ready to make the leap yet, but I'm doing a lot of thinking and starting to genuinely consider what life might look like without him.

Oh wow. That is a huge 180!

As much as the MN women say ltb we are all realistic and appreciate it can take time. What we are trying to say is open your eyes, see what you need to do and then work towards getting yourself into a stronger and happier position, one where you do matter. And that is what you have done with your counsellor today. Awesome news

That's great news - I was concerned that your counsellor was really not good at her job.

Well done OP 💐Glad you're feeling better for it.

Please get out before your kids get any older. They will either end up like him or end up putting up with someone like him. There’s no way I would bring kids up in this environment.

You deserve better and your children do. He won’t change, he’ll get worse.

I'm so sorry sweet but it sounds like you've got yourself a Narcissist...He's in the dominance phase, trying to gain control of you through various tactics. The withdrawal is a main one. He knows you won't see the kiddies neglected and that you'll always step back into line if he makes you believe that he won't. He'll even go to the extent of neglecting them to push you to force yourself to 'power through'. This could get dangerous.

Get yourself and your kids out of that, contact women's aid though so that you can do it safely. Do not let him know that you're considering this.

Keep us posted 💐💖

I'm still concerned, I feel like the counsellor has put OP in a dangerous position...after not even seeing signs in OP during joint sessions that she needed help, they tell OP to confront her abuser and tell him those things? 😱

@RestartingLife I haven't confronted him. He unblocked me to ask if he could come over and see me and the kids. I told him I need some space from him and that he should arrange to see the kids while I'm not around. He just said ok and that was the end of the conversation. Like I said, stone cold.

Thanks for your input about the counsellor though. Do you think she should have picked up on signs? I am on the waiting list for some DV/trauma specific therapy with a local women's centre, so seeing her by myself is really just to fill in the gap until I can get that.

Individual counselling is definitely what you need so that's good. You don't have to make any decisions immediately, I know that's hard, but I recognise the desperation, uncertainty and longing for your marriage to be other than in you that I have been through, and feel you are on the beginning of a journey now. It may not be one you planned but you will know what to do when you need to do it.
Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That is excellent, you can read it free online here: chrome-extension://gphandlahdpffmccakmbngmbjnjiiahp/https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf