Is this an emotional affair- would you be upset?

[Boundaryoversteppingornot]

Name changed for this, would welcome any thoughts.

I have worked with a male colleague for over 10 years. He has become a friend, we attended each others’ weddings, sometimes do dinners with spouses, text on weekends. We are very close, and sounding boards for each other professionally. I consider him one of my closest friends.

Our job is in a creative industry and sales based. So there is a lot of socialising with clients. Mostly during working hours, and I rarely leave later than 7pm if it’s an evening event (I have small children).

My colleague is very quick to get drunk- he can tolerate 1/2 drinks and then is smashed. Not every work event is alcohol based, but I feel this might be a factor in the below, so am mentioning it.

Yesterday we were at a daytime event (not drinking) and he told me that his wife has a problem with me, that she thinks he always comes home drunk when he’s with me, and she’s suspicious of the time we spend together and how close we are. She thinks this constitutes an emotional affair.

I am genuinely baffled (and a bit pissed off). I haven’t left anything out here, there’s nothing else going on. I have never thought of him in this way and am happily married. Obviously I need to back off, as far as I can, but this isn’t emotional affair territory is it? Starting to question my own judgment!

thanks for reading

It doesn’t sound like an emotional affair to me.

It would only stray into that territory if you hid the texts from your husband or naturally gravitated to him if you had a (non work related) problem ahead of your husband.

Strange that she would consider it so if you have socialised as a foursome.

No it's not an emotional affair from your side clearly... don't know the people involved enough to comment whether it is from his side and shes picking up on his feelings or she's just a very insecure person OR he's been using you as an excuse for his drinking problem to her

It sound very strange that she has had these thoughts, and even stranger that he has discussed this with you?

Could he be using your name to cover up for somebody else?

Sorry this has happened, OP. I naturally get on better with men but have had to step away from a few great friendships in circumstances where their OH didn’t trust me, it’s gutting.

I don’t think what’s relevant is what you feel but what he feels. You don’t know whether it’s an EA from his pov. I find it a bit off he told you - do you think he was trying to test the waters to see if you did indeed have stronger feelings? Otherwise he could have just said he needed to step back because his wife wanted a bit more time from him etc and not gone into so much detail.

He should never have told you unless it was followed up with, 'So this is why need to stop texting/socialising' etc.

Did he say anything like that?

She is probably sick of him coming home drunk and is also insecure. This is her and her husband’s problem so I’d stay out of it. If he suggests less contact outside of work, I’d respect that.

Men and women are allowed to be friends - even close friends.

No, from your perspective it doesn't sound like an emotional affair or anything to be concerned about in the slightest. However.. you don't know what's going in behind closed doors. How much is he talking about you? How much attention does he actually pay his wife? How often do these work events happen?

Starting to question my own judgment

Stop. You're not having an affair. You'd know if you were. If she told you your hair was made of custard, would you question your judgement?

Thanks all, wise words.

It doesn’t really feel like ‘my’ problem at all, but you make good points about me having no idea what is going on at home (despite being close). I would be massively disappointed in him if he was using my name as a cover story for an actual affair, and as far as I know no addiction issues at play. Although if he is consistently coming home drunk it’s definitely not from nights out with me, so something doesn’t add up.

And no, he didn’t suggest stopping socialising at all. I have no actual idea why he told me, it didn’t seem constructive and I was lost for words. Again I would be so surprised if he was hiding a secret 10 year crush on me, so I think it’s probably some insecurity on the part of his wife.

Evening work events are a couple of times a month, for those asking. I always leave early due to kids.

@Watchkeys I take your, very valid, point!

If she ever complains to you about him coming home drunk , maybe that's your moment to ask how often it happens, could be quite telling if it's more than twice a month. Then you could mention that you tend to leave early for DC's so it's not to do with you, more to do with works nights out.

@Boundaryoversteppingornot is there anything about this relationship with him that you have said or done that you would have to minimise or hide from your husband or his wife?
If the answer is a categorical “no” then no lines have been crossed.
Emotional affairs often involve discussions of stuff you couldn’t discuss with your spouse, or mutually complaining disloyally about your spouses, or deliberately arranging to be with the other person/ communicate when you don’t need to, starting to invest more into the relationship with the other person than your marital relationship etc etc. Stuff you’d hide from your spouse because you’d know deep down you’ve crossed a line.
If you have nothing to hide from your spouse or to feel uneasy about if talking to him about it then no.
However, the man in question does spend a lot of time with you through work, gets drunk, possibly mentions you a lot at home, so his wife is getting suspicious. From her end things look different. You are in control of the situation from your side, but you don’t know what he says/ does or how his wife views it all. Obviously you have no control over this end of the friendship, his relationship with his wife is up to him, so it’s over to the man whose wife is suspicious to reassure her and make sure he’s not making an innocent situation look worse. You have done nothing wrong.

His wife's opinion Is key. She might not fully know about your platonic relationship but her husband comes home drunk after meeting you. She knows his poor drinking capacity but is probably worried about him making a "mistake" with you. It is up to him to sort this out but that may not be possible if his wife has major concerns.

@Opentooffers yes good idea. There is definitely something that doesn’t tally on the drinking front.

@Thewookiemustgo categorically, hand on heart, no. He knows personal stuff about me as a close friend would (eg. a miscarriage 6 years ago). My husband is aware he knows that, and gets on with him- thinks he’s a nice bloke and good friend to me.

@Cheesandcrackers yes I think I probably just have to take a few steps back from the friendship for a while, if his wife is this uncomfortable. I would hate to exacerbate any situation, even inadvertently.

How is a grown man getting smashed on one or two drinks?? Sorry missing the point

Then you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s not an emotional affair. He needs to convince his wife of that, which is his problem, not yours, so don’t worry. Just in case his wife decides it’s a real problem, I’d tell your husband about the situation, then it’s all transparent and he’s on the loop.

His drinking isn’t your fault, or in fact anything to do with you, and nor are his wife’s baseless suspicions. Tell him to lay off the booze if he can’t handle it.

OP, doesn't seem there is any emotional affair at least on your side. However you don't really know how he is at home nor his wife how he is at work with you, and the fact that you both work long hours together had made her in the best scenario resent his drinking, long working and in last instance your female company. I can see a kind of reasonable reason here if he is useless at home after a half a drink.

Don't feel bad about it or change your behaviour. You are not part of the problem or of the solution, they are a grown up couple.

I wonder if he's drinking secretly so his 1 - 2 drinks with you take him over the edge into smashed territory? If his wife is concerned about him coming home drunk then it would suggest he has a problem with alcohol.

Yes, I was going to say that about secret drinking. A guy I worked with was like that. Turns out he had vodka in his desk and would drink that before any social event so that the next drink he had would wipe him out.

If he is investing more time emotionally with you than with his wife, the yes, for their relationship, this may very well be emotional affair territory. He may be hiding or deleting texts, he may be prioritising talking to you and spending time with you over her, he may tell you things he doesn’t tell her.

I’m not sure how you’d find out if any of the above is actually happening, but if it was I’d pull back. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because that’s just a whole big mess.

Texting on weekends is a no no. That's an emotional affair. She's got every right. You need a female friend at work. I realise this is hard.

Interesting about the secret drinking comments… no idea how I would find that out (and wouldn’t get involved) but food for thought. And a bit sad.

@Flyhigher do you not have male friends you speak to on weekends? I do also have female friends at work, of course. Not many have been around for a decade though. To reiterate, we often socialise as two couples.

Generally don't text make work friends at the weekend. I guess you do know them socially as well. Went to each others weddings. It I do think weekend texts are a bit much.

Not an emotional affair to you but maybe it is for him?