Page 2 | Is this an emotional affair- would you be upset?

Boundaryoversteppingornot · 2023-11-08T18:02:41+00:00

Name changed for this, would welcome any thoughts. I have worked with a male colleague for over 10 years. He has become a friend, we attended each others’ weddings, sometimes do dinners with spouses, text on weekends. We are very close, and sounding boards for each other professionally. I consider him one of my closest friends. Our job is in a creative industry and sales based. So there is a lot of socialising with clients. Mostly during working hours, and I rarely leave later than 7pm if it’s an evening event (I have small children). My colleague is very quick to get drunk- he can tolerate 1/2 drinks and then is smashed. Not every work event is alcohol based, but I feel this might be a factor in the below, so am mentioning it. Yesterday we were at a daytime event (not drinking) and he told me that his wife has a problem with me, that she thinks he always comes home drunk when he’s with me, and she’s suspicious of the time we spend together and how close we are. She thinks this constitutes an emotional affair. I am genuinely baffled (and a bit pissed off). I haven’t left anything out here, there’s nothing else going on. I have never thought of him in this way and am happily married. Obviously I need to back off, as far as I can, but this isn’t emotional affair territory is it? Starting to question my own judgment! thanks for reading

Flyhigher · 08/11/2023 21:27

If he's not engaging at home. And texting you. It's a distraction.

DixonD · 08/11/2023 21:42

Flyhigher · 08/11/2023 21:27

If he's not engaging at home. And texting you. It's a distraction.

Anyone should be allowed to text a friend at the weekend. I wouldn’t want to be 100% “engaged” with my husband, and neither would he. How suffocating.

Riverlee · 08/11/2023 21:51

The texting is the one thing I picked up on also. How often do you text? A quick, ‘don’t forget Mondays meeting’ is fine. Several texts, all weekend, about insignificant stuff, could be intrusive. Also, does he turn to you for ideas, suggestions etc, which he should be discussing with his wife. If so, she may find these intrusive and over stepping the mark.

Maybe there’s a case of mentionitis as well.

Theres a fine line between platonic friendships and emotional affairs.

MateyBubbleBathlover · 08/11/2023 22:04

I think I'm in a similar boat. sometimes you meet a bestie at work and that's okay.

But if his wife doesn't like it then you need to respect their marriage and have some distance.

One of my closest friends is male (met him at work 11 years ago!) and we work together again for a new company but I've made a personal rule to not overstep, no dinners, no alcohol and if there's a work event then only one of us goes. My choice. I'd rather enjoy his friendship rather than lose it due a worried wife. (and I'd hate to cause any worry!)

But also remember that him mentioning his wife is worried about you two - is sometimes a way to test your reaction and see if it's something you want. I.e he could have said that to try and gauge whether you want more. to try and move your friendship into the affair zone.

MateyBubbleBathlover · 08/11/2023 22:10

Either way, cool it down and take a few steps back.

RandomForest · 08/11/2023 22:17

Pretty easy to summise, do you think he fancies you ?

Are you modestly trying to ignor, he may habour feelings of admiration for you.

Sometimes it's pretty obvious but the person who is admired tries to bat off any suggestion that they are aware of someones admiration.

Maybe he has a crush, or is a little infatuated, it is this that you have to be totally honest with yourself, it's not your fault but it could be true.

gannett · 08/11/2023 22:25

Flyhigher · 08/11/2023 21:06

Texting on weekends is a no no. That's an emotional affair. She's got every right. You need a female friend at work. I realise this is hard.

Texting friends of the opposite sex at the weekend is not an emotional affair, don't be ridiculous.

Obviously the OP's situation isn't one either. Who knows what's going on in their marriage - maybe the wife is putting 2 and 2 together and making 5, or maybe she is paranoid and controlling. Have seen good male friends have to essentially ditch their female friends, including me, on their girlfriends'/wives' say-so.

Asformending · 08/11/2023 22:26

I'd be pissed too if my husband was continually coming home late and worse the wear as a result of boozing several times a week after spending time with a single female...who he texts at weekends.

Put yourself in her shoes and back off

Mylovelygreendress · 08/11/2023 22:34

Asformending · 08/11/2023 22:26

I'd be pissed too if my husband was continually coming home late and worse the wear as a result of boozing several times a week after spending time with a single female...who he texts at weekends.

Put yourself in her shoes and back off

OP says she is happily married .

gannett · 08/11/2023 22:36

Asformending · 08/11/2023 22:26

I'd be pissed too if my husband was continually coming home late and worse the wear as a result of boozing several times a week after spending time with a single female...who he texts at weekends.

Put yourself in her shoes and back off

There's absolutely nothing to back off from.

SingleMum11 · 08/11/2023 22:43

It will be an emotional affair for him. Or his ego. Or a way of escape. His drinking isn’t great either.

Whatever you feel it’s not worth rocking his marriage. You may not realise it consciously, but having a man see you as attractive, can be very boosting to you and so it’s not the platonic pure friendship you are describing.

gannett · 08/11/2023 22:46

SingleMum11 · 08/11/2023 22:43

It will be an emotional affair for him. Or his ego. Or a way of escape. His drinking isn’t great either.

Whatever you feel it’s not worth rocking his marriage. You may not realise it consciously, but having a man see you as attractive, can be very boosting to you and so it’s not the platonic pure friendship you are describing.

So an emotional affair can be subconscious for both parties? Neither of them have any conscious romantic designs but the fact that they are a man and a woman means their friendship is an emotional affair whether they know it or not? And you know this for a fact better than either of the two people involved? What bollocks.

(If his wife does believe this, it actually is rocking the boat about, because he'd be in a controlling relationship with a lunatic.)

SingleMum11 · 08/11/2023 23:04

Ha ha @gannett yes a close male friend who likes drinking a bit too much, having trouble in his marriage to the point his wife is worried he is having an affair, but seems able to regularly text the OP on weekends etc…

it’s not exactly healthy behaviour is it? The OP can’t be blind to this by now. And even if, there is absolutely zero of anything, not even a little bit of ego massaging, even if that were the case. Is the friendship more important than his marriage?

Crikeyalmighty · 08/11/2023 23:13

OP- just to say we had an attractive single mum employee who was always texting my H at one point- it was complete nonsense general chit chat but he started deleting them (didn't know I had seen the conversations already) - when I asked him what was going on and why he was doing that he admitted he didn't quite know how to say 'can you stop this' - he felt awkward and knew it would annoy me, so was deleting. I would rather he had told me so I could have had a word . I was really pissed off about it and maybe this blokes wife is too- not everyone is 'cool' about opposite sex friends contacting your partner multiple times a day and vice Versa - you possibly don't know the back history, maybe he's got previous form etc!!

Honeychickpea · 09/11/2023 02:01

Crikeyalmighty · 08/11/2023 23:13

OP- just to say we had an attractive single mum employee who was always texting my H at one point- it was complete nonsense general chit chat but he started deleting them (didn't know I had seen the conversations already) - when I asked him what was going on and why he was doing that he admitted he didn't quite know how to say 'can you stop this' - he felt awkward and knew it would annoy me, so was deleting. I would rather he had told me so I could have had a word . I was really pissed off about it and maybe this blokes wife is too- not everyone is 'cool' about opposite sex friends contacting your partner multiple times a day and vice Versa - you possibly don't know the back history, maybe he's got previous form etc!!

Oooh, an attractive single mom, of course she wanted to steal your man to play daddy to her children.😂

StartupRepair · 09/11/2023 02:20

You have done nothing wrong and you aren't responsible for his drinking or his marriage but I would step back a bit. I would also ask him about his drinking? Sounds a bit problematic.

CobraChicken · 09/11/2023 02:22

Asformending · 08/11/2023 22:26

I'd be pissed too if my husband was continually coming home late and worse the wear as a result of boozing several times a week after spending time with a single female...who he texts at weekends.

Put yourself in her shoes and back off

Most wives would, but the hypothetical situation you just invented isn't even close to what the OP has described.

The OP wrote that there's a couple of work events per month not "several times a week."

The OP isn't a single female. She's happily married. The couples attended each others' weddings and regularly socialise as a group of 4.

But don't let reality spoil your rant... 😆

Original poster

Boundaryoversteppingornot · 09/11/2023 06:55

Thanks for the interesting responses overnight. I am definitely not single, nor out drinking with (any) colleagues multiple times a week!

To clarify on weekend texting, it would be very much ‘are you in this meeting on Tuesday?’. Or if related to outside work- ‘would you and (husband/wife) like to come to ours for fireworks?’ We don’t arrange to meet 1-1 outside of work, and I don’t see why we would.

I take the point on board that our friendship may have changed for him, without me being aware, so I will respect that.

OP posts:

MateyBubbleBathlover · 09/11/2023 07:02

just to say we had an attractive single mum employee who was always texting my H at one point

just wondering if you would have felt the same if she was an ugly married woman?

Watchkeys · 09/11/2023 08:05

SingleMum11 · 08/11/2023 22:43

It will be an emotional affair for him. Or his ego. Or a way of escape. His drinking isn’t great either.

Whatever you feel it’s not worth rocking his marriage. You may not realise it consciously, but having a man see you as attractive, can be very boosting to you and so it’s not the platonic pure friendship you are describing.

It may well be the platonic friendship OP is describing, for OP. I think it's most likely that OP knows how she feels better than you do. You might not be able to have a platonic friendship with an attractive man, but you, like the rest of us, can only speak for yourself.

gannett · 09/11/2023 08:16

SingleMum11 · 08/11/2023 23:04

Ha ha @gannett yes a close male friend who likes drinking a bit too much, having trouble in his marriage to the point his wife is worried he is having an affair, but seems able to regularly text the OP on weekends etc…

it’s not exactly healthy behaviour is it? The OP can’t be blind to this by now. And even if, there is absolutely zero of anything, not even a little bit of ego massaging, even if that were the case. Is the friendship more important than his marriage?

Good friendships are definitely more important than toxic marriages with controlling partners.

The alcohol certainly seems to be an issue but it's completely irrelevant. This man drinks with OP at professional events, they're not going out on benders together, and she can't control his tolerance or whether he gets drunk with other people.

"Able to regularly text other people at the weekend" is not exactly a huge thing. I think I texted 10 people who weren't DP last weekend - some of them were even men! even married men! - and I'm not even a big messager. Must have taken 5 minutes out of my weekend all in.

Chelsea543 · 09/11/2023 08:22

Personally I wouldn’t like my husband meeting with a female friend from work regularly after work and coming home drunk. I also wouldn’t like him texting her on weekends even if it is platonic. Yes maybe work related but other than that, I’d there was regular contact for no reason except chat I’d not be too pleased.
not saying that’s the case here, clearly you see this as a very platonic thing I’m just not sure if he does anymore.
also I’m pretty sure the wife must have her reasons for concern and I’d be furious if my partner went out in the week with another female and came home drunk each time whilst I’m at home dealing with the kids/waiting for him to come home. She’s probably fed up of his drinking and tbh maybe she’s passing the blame to you but he could also have said all of this to see what your reaction was to her “jealousy.”

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 09/11/2023 09:36

Asformending · 08/11/2023 22:26

I'd be pissed too if my husband was continually coming home late and worse the wear as a result of boozing several times a week after spending time with a single female...who he texts at weekends.

Put yourself in her shoes and back off

Except that's not what is happening. Stop making shit up just so you can post bitchy comments.

It's not several tines a week. It's work-related. OP is married, the wife went to the OP's wedding!

Asformending · 09/11/2023 09:59

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 09/11/2023 09:36

Except that's not what is happening. Stop making shit up just so you can post bitchy comments.

It's not several tines a week. It's work-related. OP is married, the wife went to the OP's wedding!

Show quote history

*he told me that his wife has a problem with me, that she thinks he always comes home drunk when he’s with me, and she’s suspicious of the time we spend together and how close we are.
*

We are very close, and sounding boards for each other professionally.

*I consider him one of my closest friends
*

He has become a friend, we attended each others’ weddings, sometimes do dinners with spouses, text on weekends.

I missed that OP was happily married but that doesn't negate the fact, his wife considers the friendship between them has crossed the boundary of a genuine working relationship. OP has no idea what is going on between the couple so needs to back off and give space.

fiorentina · 09/11/2023 10:12

In the past I was good friends with a male colleague, nothing more. We worked together, get on well, went for lunchtime drinks - always in a group of other youngish employees etc. I’d met his wife and I had a partner.
He did tell me one day his wife was suspicious of me and our friendship. Which made me sad as she had no need at all to be. But I wouldn’t want to be responsible for making someone unhappy. Don’t blame yourself. Sounds like as a couple they are having some challenges and as a husband maybe he’s not doing enough to reassure her.