Is this an emotional affair- would you be upset?

[Boundaryoversteppingornot]

Name changed for this, would welcome any thoughts.

I have worked with a male colleague for over 10 years. He has become a friend, we attended each others’ weddings, sometimes do dinners with spouses, text on weekends. We are very close, and sounding boards for each other professionally. I consider him one of my closest friends.

Our job is in a creative industry and sales based. So there is a lot of socialising with clients. Mostly during working hours, and I rarely leave later than 7pm if it’s an evening event (I have small children).

My colleague is very quick to get drunk- he can tolerate 1/2 drinks and then is smashed. Not every work event is alcohol based, but I feel this might be a factor in the below, so am mentioning it.

Yesterday we were at a daytime event (not drinking) and he told me that his wife has a problem with me, that she thinks he always comes home drunk when he’s with me, and she’s suspicious of the time we spend together and how close we are. She thinks this constitutes an emotional affair.

I am genuinely baffled (and a bit pissed off). I haven’t left anything out here, there’s nothing else going on. I have never thought of him in this way and am happily married. Obviously I need to back off, as far as I can, but this isn’t emotional affair territory is it? Starting to question my own judgment!

thanks for reading

I’d be suspicious he was testing the waters to see what you think. A friend of mine was in a similar position, thought she had a really good work friend. Turned out it was more than that for him, definitely moving into emotional affair territory. It was a phenomenal mess, they no longer have any contact and friend had to move workplaces.

@fiorentina it’s exactly this, from my point of view.

I’m genuinely surprised by the number of women who would be upset by their partners messaging friends or colleagues on the weekends.

@gannett @Pumpkinspicelattetime I suspect we have similar thoughts on that!

I’ve taken on board everything that has been written, and some of it has genuinely given me a different perspective so thank you all. I will sadly leave this friendship in the office for now.

(To confirm for the last time, the post work events we are at together would be 1-2 times a month, I leave by 7pm (not drunk) and it’s never just the two of us.)

@Namechangenamechanged yes others have mentioned this possibility, and it was a new perspective I hadn’t considered, so thank you.

You say these client meetings are no more than 1-2 month & you always leave early.

Maybe he's coming home late & plastered quite a few nights each month & putting the blame on you?
Using a supposed night out with you as an excuse so the wife automatically blames you. Giving him the all clear to get up to god knows what with anyone none the wiser...

Based on what you say about his drinking, I would suspect that when you go home at 7pm, he's staying out and telling her that it was with you. It's also possible that he IS having an emotional affair with you, even if it is not reciprocated. He's mentioning it to you to see if you're in a similar position - most likely he's defensive so the response he was looking for from you was that she's ridiculous and silly and he shouldn't listen to her.... that would justify, in his head, his behaviour.

I’m genuinely surprised by the number of women who would be upset by their partners messaging friends or colleagues on the weekends.

What sort of things are you texting about? I can't think of anything worse than being reminded of work at the weekend.

I only really text friends at the weekend to catch up if we've not spoke for a while or if we are arranging a meet up. I'm usually really busy at weekends.

@MateyBubbleBathlover I have to be honest it probably would have annoyed me less- but I still would have been annoyed at the over communicating for no reason-

Fair! 😊

@Honeychickpea oh give over- this lady was desparate for a high earning bloke - it's all she talked about - that and her tinder matches and the fact she couldn't manage financially on her own - there was more to it than just being an attractive single mum - I later learnt from someone I met who also knew her that 'she had form' for this kind of thing with partnered up men .

I suspect OP- he may well be using you as an excuse to sneak off for another couple on his own and get in later - I do know someone who used to say he had a client drinks till 9pm - whereas in fact he used to leave at 6pm and go off on his own for a few - basically to get out of doing anything at home a few nights a month

I’m genuinely surprised by the number of women who would be upset by their partners messaging friends or colleagues on the weekends.

Friends is one thing but messaging colleagues of the opposite sex over non related work things each weekend can be questionable. I get if it’s occasional message but if it’s every weekend you message each other it’s something I wouldn’t like.

It doesn’t sound like you’re going overboard with the texts. It’s not like your messaging first thing to late at night.

i wonder if he’s texting someone else regularly, but saying it’s you.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP but I can't say the same for him. The fact that he's gone running to you with this information makes me really uncomfortable. I'd be furious If I'd had that conversation with my DH about my feelings within our marriage and he went running to the other person to tell them what I'd said. To me, that's the betrayal of his wife right there on show.

I think the test is whether you share things with each other ahead of or instead of telling your spouses. So if something amazing, funny or scary happened would this man tell you first?

If he would, does that mean that OP is having an affair with him?

It means he thinks of her as the important person to share stuff with so he may be in EA territory.

Does that mean OP is having an affair with him?

No of course it doesn't.

Not sure what the test was, then. Anybody can deem anything to be an emotional affair. A friend might be feeling more for you than you feel for them. It doesn't mean you're having an affair with them.