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Original poster

Is it best not to know?

72 replies

houseoffun · 10/03/2008 23:32

Have ben married for 10 years and have been with DH for 16 years.
We now have 2 wonderful children.

He was married before we met and divorced ,but no children.

When we first moved in together he stll had photograghs ,letters etc from his first marraige and must admit I did take a look through these once whilst he was at work.
He has since got rid of them.

But even after all this time I still feel like second best and wish I had'nt read the letters .
In the past they would drive me mad,I would go over them in my head and wish I had'nt read them.
The pictures I would compare to myself and the other day a woman on the telly who looked like his ex wife came on and I was sat there thinking did he see that and was he thinking the same.

He never wanted to know about my past and I can see his reasoning behind that now.

It got me thinking more about it the other day when we were talking about the future and the childen getting older and he said one day he would have to tell the children he was marrided before and I could'nt see why he needed to.
I was engaged before i met DH but clled my wedding off ,I don't need to tell the children that.

OP posts:
Original poster
houseoffun · 10/03/2008 23:55

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 00:06

Obviously not in with the "in crowd"

New posters not permitted!!!!!!

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 11/03/2008 00:08

Message withdrawn

SheWillBeLoved · 11/03/2008 00:10

I can see why he would think he needs to tell the children that, naturally for whatever reason it will eventually come out. It's no big deal though. You are their mum, not her. You're his wife now, not her. He has a past, you have a past. As weird as it is to imagine someone you love being in love with someone else before you - that's life, it happens. You aren't the only person to have been in his life, as he has not been the only person to have been in yours.

Don't let it eat you up, it's not healthy. You can't compare yourself to someone who is in his past - she's in his past for a reason, remember that. Concentrate on you, being there now. Not her, being there then

Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 00:34

But why is the marriage more relevant?

We lived together,bought a house together whilst engaged so apart froma piece of paper it was relevant.

Why would he want to tell them this though I just don't get it.
My parents married married very young and before they died never asked them what relationships they had before meeting each other.

It just hurt me to think it was that important to the children to tell them.
What purpose would it serve?

I surpose it's just that he was young when he married the forst time and we met and married when he was in his early thirties so feel he had a better time then and know he is in his forties and we had children later in life ,our life together is stressful and not so care free and he hates getting oldr.

So i have it in my head that things would have been better for him then.
Does he wish he had stayed married to her?

I thought I had put all my jealously behind me years ago but all that stuff in those letters from years ago to her has come back to haunt me.

What am i to think?

When we first got together about 6 months into our relationship we argued and he was seperated from his ex at the time and I always remember what he said to me then.

"HEliked her more than he liked me and he loved her more than he loved me."

OK that was after 6 months together,he was seperated waiting for final divorce to come through so maybe at that time it was true but can'y help thinkng doeshe still feel that way?

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 11/03/2008 00:46

Message withdrawn

BurpyErnie · 11/03/2008 00:53

When the children are very little they don't need to know... as they grow up and get to say oh 25 and they come to their dad with relationship problems them him letting them know he had been married before shouldn't be a problem?

SittingBull · 11/03/2008 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madamez · 11/03/2008 00:56

It sounds like you might benefit from some sort of counselling or at least a self-help book on overcoming your insecurity and neediness. Because if you keep whining on about it to your DH it's going to cause bigger problems in your marriage than the fact that he's been married before, years and years ago. You can't change the past, and another person's past is their business, anyway, not yours.

Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 01:00

Then what about all those people who live together for years and have children bt feel that they do not need to get married?
They would surely argue there relationship was as relevant.

I expect I do have issues,and have carried that one sentence with me all these years as it hurt like hell to be told that and I have never forgotton it.

I know this is down tomy own in sercurtie.

But my children will never know this woman just as they will never now my ex fiancee so why tell them.

Maybe on my part it's just hitting 40 and feeling unsure about what lies ahead and stresses with the children and just feel old and boring.

Can't help thinking DH had his best years with her when he was younger.

His brother who is coming up to 40 said at a party just recently to another guy that his younger years were better and it's down hill from now.
This guy has 2 great children and a great partner of 8 years and it shcked me to hear him say that and wondered if DH felt the same.

OP posts:
madamez · 11/03/2008 01:06

HOF, you really do need to get over this. Sounds like your DH hasn't even seen his XW for years, it's not as though she is forever dropping in looking gorgeous.

Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 01:14

I know that deep down but he now about a 10 min walk from where they lived toether,not sure if she still lives there and I wonder if he is reminded of that everyday he goes into work.

They were at uni together and he occasionally sees mutal friends of their's .

I guess having childen and the stress's that come with that and getting older all add to me thinking does he wish he had stayed with her.

He has always said he would'nt have had childen with her ,they were together for 10years and married for 6 years.
He said he did'mt think she would hace coped well with children.

So I suspose thats something.

OP posts:
Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 01:15

taht should have said he now works about 10 mins from where he lived with her.

OP posts:
slim22 · 11/03/2008 01:27

What madamez said.

You need to find ways to get over this. Build your self confidence. Sounds like YOU are hitting that wall where you feel that a life of middle age boredom lies ahead.

Have a haircut, go to the gym, make fun dates with DH....whatever. But don't sulk and then blame it on him.

jasper · 11/03/2008 02:25

houseoffun I am in the same situation as you, but the other way round so I hope I can add some perspective.

I was married before, for 7 years, no kids .

I have been with my current partner, father to our 3 kids for ten years.Our kids are 9,7,6. They have known all their young lives that I was married before. They know his name and a few details about him ( where he lives,the fact he has remarried, his child's name) .They have seen photos of him. There was never the slightest question that I would not tell my kids I was married before. It was a huge chunk of my life and just because we did split up, it does not negate things.

EVERYONE who is close to me knows I was married before. Why should my kids be excluded from this knowledge?

My current dh , like you always feels second best. ( he is not) He knows how much I loved my ex and that in no way does he replace him. It's just DIFFERENT.

lemonstartree · 11/03/2008 09:12

sorry this is ludicrous. He was married before. His marriage didnt work. |Why should his children not benefit from his experience. Presumably he seperaped from his Xwife for a reason?? he is still with you

there are enough REAL things in lfe to stress about without making ting things that importnat.

Get over yourself, you are being RIDICULOUS.

I had LOADs of relationships before I got married - so what I married on e person. My husband was married before, His wife died. It dosnt make me less importnat to him because he mrried me second.

If you cant get over this you need some counselling. Big time

milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 09:14

house of fun you said, he said at 6 months in your relationship

"HEliked her more than he liked me and he loved her more than he loved me."

why did you want to stay with him after that? if i was single now a was in a realtionship with someone for 6 months who said that about their EW id tell him to fuck right off!

AngharadGoldenhand · 11/03/2008 09:20

I'm surprised that you're getting such a hard time over this, houseoffun.

I can quite see that your dh, when asked and when the children are older (cos who thinks of it when you're little?), might let them know he was married before.

The bit I find peculiar is that he 'would have to' tell the children he was married before. I don't see why he feels there is a compulsion there. Sure, it might come out casually, but he 'has to'? A bit odd, imo.

TillyScoutsmum · 11/03/2008 09:27

But he said that 16 YEARS AGO ..... 16 years, 2 children and a long marriage ago in the heat of the moment during an argument. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't have married you and stayed with you for 16 years. If its still an issue now, I would consider some counselling.

As for telling your dc's - no need to make a big thing of it but at some point, he probably should mention it. If they found out later on and felt like it had been kept "secret", they would probably be quite hurt and it would turn into a much bigger deal. I too have been married before and will at some point in the future mention it to my dc's (and they can laugh at how ugly my ex h was ). Its part of their parents' history and as such, it will probably be of interest to them

LaDiDaDi · 11/03/2008 09:32

I was married before I met dp. I will definitely tell dd and any other dc this. It's important to who I am and why I'm where I amin life now. I t also may make dd think more carefully about rrelationships.

It has nothing at all to do with how I feel about dp who I love dearly and certainly does not represent me having any feelings whatsoever for ex-h.

hecate · 11/03/2008 09:50

I think that if it comes up in coversation, it would be good for him to talk about it as he would any life experience that was relevent to a discussion, but I don't see the need to decide to sit them down and say "now then kids, I have something to share with you, I was married before." Don't see the point, tbh. Talk about it naturally, not as a big announcement. Same as your engagement, if you are talking about relationships, nothing wrong with mentioning it. Certainly wouldn't think there would be a need to hide it or lie though.

I think you need to work on improving your confidence. Obviously what he said to you all those years ago has stuck with you and hurt you deeply, and it's affected you to this day. I don't think you are ridiculous in any way. I do think you need to get some confidence and feel good about yourself.

poshwellies · 11/03/2008 09:51

I cannot believe this is a issue for you after 16 yrs of happy marriage.

Sadly, I have seen this kind of jealously first hand as a child and still as a adult.My parents divorced when I was 3,both went on to have new relationships.
My father has been with his partner for nearly 30 yrs and his partner is wildly jealous over my mother (yeah after 30 yrs of divorce!!)It still is a issue for my fathers partner,and I now don't have very much to do with the woman after years of abusive comments directed at my mother(who is very happy that she divorced my father!!).

I really would suggest you seek some sort of counselling,as this kind of intense jealously is crippling within a family environment.

Hope you can work through this with your husband.

hecate · 11/03/2008 09:52

oh, and FYI - half eleven, midnight + is not a good time to get lots of advice...not many people around and most of them are drunk and pissing about. It didn't mean you were being ignored for any reason at all. That brings us back to your confidence issue again....

Original poster
houseoffun · 11/03/2008 09:53

Thanks for all the replies.

It's good to hear diffrent perceptions of the the situation.

I only had 2 long relationships before meeting DH.
One of 4 years and one of 5 years whom I was to be married to.
I just don't see the need to tell them about those relationships and fail to see why the second relationship was any less important than my DH's previous marriage.

His ex wife had an affair 2 years into there marriage and he took her back but ultimatly that's why the marriage failed as he could'nt get over that.

Asking me to get over myself suggests I think I am more important,which I don't fel I am in any way which is part of the problem.
I still feel second best.

as for the comment 6 months into the relationship we were not living together then and he was recently divorced and had lots of his friends tried to split us up and would not except me.
So in hindsight at that time after knowing me such a short time and her for 10 years was probably partly true.

I suspose he feels he ought to tell the children to be honest with them if it ever came out and they wondered why he did'nt tell them.

He has files and files of old negatives as he was a photographer so am sure there will pictures of his ex wife amongest those as indeed his whole life.
When we moved in together he got rid of all the photos of her and any letters he had which at that time woud have been a big thing for him but showd me his commiment.

We were over at his parents a few months back and hos mother was showing a friend some old photograghs from when they lived in India and the ex wife was on those and I just felt so upset ,unreasonably maybe.

OP posts:
poshwellies · 11/03/2008 09:57

I guess its a case of you accepting he loved someone else before he met you.