Is it best not to know?

[houseoffun]

Have ben married for 10 years and have been with DH for 16 years.
We now have 2 wonderful children.

He was married before we met and divorced ,but no children.

When we first moved in together he stll had photograghs ,letters etc from his first marraige and must admit I did take a look through these once whilst he was at work.
He has since got rid of them.

But even after all this time I still feel like second best and wish I had'nt read the letters .
In the past they would drive me mad,I would go over them in my head and wish I had'nt read them.
The pictures I would compare to myself and the other day a woman on the telly who looked like his ex wife came on and I was sat there thinking did he see that and was he thinking the same.

He never wanted to know about my past and I can see his reasoning behind that now.

It got me thinking more about it the other day when we were talking about the future and the childen getting older and he said one day he would have to tell the children he was marrided before and I could'nt see why he needed to.
I was engaged before i met DH but clled my wedding off ,I don't need to tell the children that.

You must try and do something now about this - my h stepmother was paranoid about the first wife (my h mother) turning up at H fathers funeral and so refused to have it at their home. Silly woman changed what she really wanted because she was scared first wife would be there - and do what?

H mother couldnt give a monekeys that he had died she had moved on a long time previous.

It is still a bit uncomfortable as i do feel there was a lot of family secrets that were just never spoken about.

I fully expect my children to ask about my past - some i am not proud of and some i really dont think was me anyway!!!!!!

Wait til they ask about how old you were when you first had sex or how long into a relationship!! They are quite tricky ones.

My marriage may be over but it is VERY important part of my life and part of what makes me the way I am today. It colours my view of love and relationships.

Ultimately HOF it's up to him. It was a big part of HIS life(not yours) and would would seem odd for him to keep it from his kids .

I relate totally and would be pissed off if current dh had made a fuss about the fact our kids know all about my exhusband .

I have a friend who's 8 year old daughter discovered that her father had been married before and was DEVASTATED

weird eh? but it made me really conscious to be open with the children that both me and DH have been married before

Marriage IS important as a symbol in our society and especially for children

I've kept photos of my first wedding around in photo albums which the children have seen and I mention it occasionally

I think it's important that they know the truth, and also that they know that marriage isn't always a 'happy ever after'

However, re. your own problems - they are not really about this issue, and I agree with the others that counselling could be really helpful for you to find a way forward

Have read all your replies and it seems the general concencious (sp) is to get some councilling.

Am a bit shocked,is it really that bad?

I know I have a lot of demons in my head.

My parents bereavment,recently my brothers death,the ex wife issues,my sons SN .
I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks surprise surprise!!!!

Where would I start?

If I asked my GP would he be able to refer me to someone who could help?

HoF - Don't be shocked... You have been through a massive amount the last few years and needing counselling is nothing to be ashamed of. Make an appointment with your GP (ask for a double one with the receptionist so you're not too rushed) and ask to be referred. There are often long waiting lists unfortunately. You could go privately but finding the right counsellor can be difficult and expensive. A lot will do a free initial consultation though

Hope everything works out for you. x

I think it sounds like you are feeling insecure and with all your other pressures it is wearing you down.

I think you are giving this woman too big a place in your marriage. Are there photos of her in frames around your home? Is he meeting her for drinks or a game of squash once a fortnight. Does he have a shrine up in the garage with momentos of their time together? No! Now come on, she was there and she has gone. Try hard to let go off it and not keep bringing it up with dh. At the worst you're bringing her into his mind constantly which is surely what you absolutely do not want to do.

I don't think there is dire necessity for him to tell the kids he was married before. But it won't be the end of the world if he does either.

He was utterly stupid and cruel to say what he did 16 years ago about liking her more and loving her more. Of course that hurts but don't keep digging your own knife in the wound. Let it close.

How do you know if he had met you both at the same time, he wouldn't have chosen you and not given her a second glance? He was with her because he had not met you. Think of it that way. We don't all meet Mr/Mrs Right first time off.

Am a bit worried about approaching my GP as in the past have been made to feel like an over anxious mother re by son.
Also 3 yeras ago had an awful experience with a HV when my sons problems were coming to light and she blamed me for his condition which of course now has been proven otherwise but has left me feeling really guilty and upset.

I don't wantthe GP to think I am not coping as my son needs me to be strong for him.

I had so many people involved at the time and felt like they were checking up on me and it got over whealming .
I don't want that to happen again.

If you're GP makes you feel like that then get another one .. or just go onto yell and find a private one. But needing counselling does not mean you're not coping and any decent GP will know that. Might be worth starting with bereavement counselling. Have your insecurities/self esteem issues been worse since losing your family members ? Is it just this ex wife thing that is a problem or are you generally insecure about your dh ? I lost some close family members when I was younger and I (sub consciously) just thought that everyone who I loved would leave me. Not sure if it might be similar for you ..?

How do you feel about your ex fiance ? Not a lot probably. It was a very long time ago. Why do you think your dh would feel any differently about his ex ?

I know deep down the comment made was probably true at that time ,after all he had known me 6 months and we were'nt living together.
He was recently divorced and had been with her for 10 years.

He wrote me a long letter as we split up for awhile after his divorce and he was debating whether to go back to her and in the letter he said what ever happens all 3 of us will be hurt.

He also said he had never met anyone like me before that was so down ot earth and saw the good in everyone,always fighting for the underdog.

He said if he walked away he would probably regret it and would never meet anyone again like me.
He felt we were meant to be together ,it just seemed right.

He did say that he loved me completely.

have kept this letter all these years and might be an idea forme to find it and remind myself of that time.

can't you bypass the GP and go to Relate or something like that?

well you did get off to a messy start unfortunately with him wondering whether to go back to her and discussing his feelings for her with you. Now no one would find it easy to just forget that, so don't beat yourself up about it. That would rankle with me too, years on. You're not abnormal that the niggling worry is there.

However the situation at the moment is, she has no contact to him. You have dc and on the whole you'd say your marriage is working, so you have to be a bit practical here and consider whether you are on a slippery slope. DO you want your marriage to break down? I think not. You want it stronger.

Unfortuantely him mentioning he wants to tell the dc about his past marriage has brought it all up and unsettled you but just thrust it all out of your marriage if you can and practice immediately doing something different when she comes into your mind. Every time. Until she comes into your mind less and less and then not at all.

You don't need to see the GP - you can just pay for private counselling (I would recommend psychotherapy) - from £20 per hour/session.

You could start by ringing your local branch of Mind and seeing if they have a therapy practice they can recommend - or do a google search and speak to a few people and see if any of them sound good.

Therapy doesn't mean you are not coping - it just means that you want to sort your head out a bit. It can be fantastic and allow you to move on from things that are bothering you.

I've had therapy at various times in my life and would not hesitate to do it again when issues arise that I want to talk through with someone else. It's not a negative/weakness AT ALL - on the contrary, I see it as a really positive thing that makes you stronger. Good luck. xx

My DH always says we are married now .,I am here,we have 2 children ,she is in the past,and it's only me who keeps bringing her up.

I never got to say goodbye to my parents before they died,I was too late and was told by a phone call that my dad had had a heart attack but did'nt get there in time.
i still hate the phone ringing late at night and re live that night my dad died everytime this happens.

I am over protective with my children,I know that.
If they go out wit my DH somewhere I have to tell them I love them everytime and when I drop them off at school I do the same.

I know my dh would never go back to his ex wife but just feel that he had better times with her and i have just bought him worry and anxiety.

My ex Fiancee,well he was a lovely man and have never admitted this to anyone but still have major guilt over how I left him.
this is going to make me sound so awful andave never told anyone the true story.

He had a really good job and we bought a house together and he was a kind ,caring man but something was missing.
I don't know what it was and to this day can't explain why I did what I did.

But one morning was sitting in the bath ,this was 2 months before our planned wedding that he spent loads of money on ,everything was orgainised and i just could'nt go through with it.

i chucked some things in a black bin bag,left my engagement ring and keys on the side and left to stay with a friend for a bit.

He must have come home and found these and been really hurt.
My friendrang him that evening to say i was with her.
I hate myself still to this day for doing that and don't why I did it.

I was living away from my parents at that time and rang to see if I could go home but mymother adored my ex and said no so I stayed with my sister for awhile until I got a job and rented somewhere.

About 6 weeks later with all the wedding cancelled and my BIL went to get all my things from the house i took a train down to see him and ws greeted by his parents at the door who were staying there at the time and they would'nt let me in.
they fianally let me in to talk to him and he was heart broken.

what a bitch i felt and still do ,i hate myself.

We talked for a while and his parents said they would ring the police if i did'nt leave,so I left and that was that.

My mother never really got over it she talked to me again after a while and then 2 years later she died never got ot see me married or have children.
My father passed away 4 years later ,a year before my wedding to DH .

DH and I got married in Las Vegas in the end as I could'nt face a big family wedding .

I have never admitted all those feelings to anyone and in doing so after I had buried it away for years still makes me feel like shit and that anything awful that has happened to me since is what I deserve.

Now I have really made myself out to be a mad woman!!!!!

You aren't mad AT ALL. You just have Stuff that would be really helpful to be talked over in a therapeutic environment. I'm sure you would find it really helpful if you find the right therapist. You've admitted it here - that's the first step. Good luck!

What a kind and sensitive person you sound like. Your kids and DH are very lucky to have you.

It seems that you have experienced sudden loss and this has left you very nervous about experiencing any form of loss again. It seems you are projecting this fear on to your DH and on to your kids.

You are lucky because your DH seems very keen to support and reassure you. Your family are not going anywhere, they clearly value and love you as a mum and as a wife.

The reason therapy has been suggested is that it is a good place to really explore FEELINGS, not just facts. All your posts point to a cocktail of very difficult feelings to cope with: guilt, anger, concern, fear. A good therapist will work through these feelings with you and work with you to find a basis to go forward with your mind more at peace.

If I may say, the best place to find a therapist is on the BACP website, where all counsellors are registered and you can see what they charge and what they specialise in. Private counsellors will charge you between £25 and £40 pounds, depending on their location, experience and, sometimes, your own financial situation. There are also counselling centres, where therapists can cost anything from £0 to £40. Some even allow you to just pay what you can afford. The quickest way to get to a therapist is to find one privately through the BACP. It may seem like a lot of money but investing in your mental health will be the best investment you make this year.

Good luck (a daddymumsnetter!)

Can I ask....are you a stay at home mum or do you have many friends or family around you?

Thanks for the information,will look into it.
Talking it through with someone would at least get it out in the open.

I am a stay at home mum and have no friends or family around so am on my own most days.

Its just that sometimes when you on your own alot you can get insecure . You lose confidence and start to question what's good about yourself. It makes sense really because talking to people gives you a sense of selfworth, it makes you feel worthy in a way. I understand how your feeling because I too sometimes felt jealous or threatened by my husbands expartners even though I know he loves me more than anything. I know it was completely wrong of me to feel this way and had no justfication at all. I too was in a similar situaton, a stay at home mum and no friends or family to call on (they live in another country).

It might be an idea to try and find something to get you out there, meet more people. Build your confidence again...you have to feel good about yourself so you can accept that your dh doesn't think about his ex and why should he when he has you!

hello houseoffun!

i read the whole thread, and i think you are progressing really well discovering your feelings and what is bothering you. as the other ones said here, therapy will be really useful for you.

i can relate to what you feel, because that happened to me in past relationships, even though they were boyfriends and not husbands. it ate me up all the same. first, i think an engagement is as serious as a marriage. i know some may disagree with me, but for me what counts is our emotional involvement. it sounds to me you have bottled up all your feelings and the importance of your engagement, because your dh didnt want to hear about it. but he has not done the same, and whether you helped him on it or not, he has told you a lot about his previous marriage. it seems that you are in uneven level, where you know a lot about his past and he knows nothing about yours. would you like him to know more about your past too? would that make you feel more secure in any way? have you expressed your concerns about his feelings towards getting older, or how that makes you feel? it was his option as well to have children. i agree they put a lot of pressure in a relationship, but they also make it more mature. while i enjoyed my 20's, i dont think i want to live them eternally. its nice to move on in life.

i think the fact you've been together 16 years doesnt automatically grants you confidence. chronologically you've been together for a long time, but have your emotional side moved on with the years, or do you still feel like in the beginning of the relationship, insecure and daunted by the previous wife? our feelings and psyche dont run in a straight line, we can feel things on an off.

keep talking, we are here for you