Is it best not to know?

[houseoffun]

Have ben married for 10 years and have been with DH for 16 years.
We now have 2 wonderful children.

He was married before we met and divorced ,but no children.

When we first moved in together he stll had photograghs ,letters etc from his first marraige and must admit I did take a look through these once whilst he was at work.
He has since got rid of them.

But even after all this time I still feel like second best and wish I had'nt read the letters .
In the past they would drive me mad,I would go over them in my head and wish I had'nt read them.
The pictures I would compare to myself and the other day a woman on the telly who looked like his ex wife came on and I was sat there thinking did he see that and was he thinking the same.

He never wanted to know about my past and I can see his reasoning behind that now.

It got me thinking more about it the other day when we were talking about the future and the childen getting older and he said one day he would have to tell the children he was marrided before and I could'nt see why he needed to.
I was engaged before i met DH but clled my wedding off ,I don't need to tell the children that.

sounds like a 'starter marriage' to me, relatively brief with no kids and no need to stay in further contact.

yes, he did love someone before you, but your relationship has been more enduring.

things always look different in the morning as you say hecate,and could'nt sleep last night so thought I would brave mumsnet about something that has been worrying me for yes 16 years.

i don't know if she has moved on ,i now she did initially and then went on to have an affair with a good friend of DH'S who unfortunatly died and she was at the funeral.
This was about 12 years ago.

I have always been an over thinker and anaylise everything.
DH always says I think way to much into thinks ,and he is more laid back and casual and hardly remembers what happened last week much more 16 years ago.

My mother died just after we met and my father 4 years later and don't have a close relationship with my in laws so miss that having someone to talk to about relationships in general.

Am probably feeling ultra sensitive at the moment as DH'S sister is coming to stay this weekend and know she was good friends with the ex wife and still kept in contact with her for a while although not sure if she still speaks to her know,I don't think so.

Message withdrawn

house of fun, have you always had self esteem issues? what where you like when you where younger?

at least they do not have kids together,otherwise you would have to see her all the time

Hmm, I can sort of see why you're upset, HOF, it's always a bit intriguing to wonder what your dh's life with another woman was like. Do you ever talk about it? My dh was with a girl for 7 years, from Freshers week and he still has stacks of photos around, some of which are of her. It doesn't bother me in the least. That relationship is part of what makes him who he is today. In fact, I feel a bit grateful to her sometimes as it sounds as if she was a good civilising influence, getting him into all sorts of good habits.

The point is, though, that they split up and now we've been married for 17 years and he hasn't seen her for 20. It sounds as if part of your insecurity is that she maystill be around and they may bump into each other some time. But if that happened, so what? They're both different people now.

Getting back to telling the children, I think it's perfectly fine for your dh to tell them sometime that he was married before. I was married for 6 yrs before dh and I got together, and I think I still have some old wedding photos around somewhere. I told my ds v. casually one day that I'd been married before and he was slightly curious, but not really that interested. It would be weird, imo, if he'd found out at a much later date that I'd been married before but had kept it secret.

Sounds like you are getting some perspective now HOF. Agree that this is about your own insecurities, and I speak as someone who knows how it feels to be insecure and an overthinker.

My DP now was married for 18 years and had an amicable split. He is very close to his kids and we actually spent Xmas at his ex-wife's. It was fine because they have both moved on from being husband and wife and had done before I came along. She couldnt have made me more welcome.

My point is, DP has given me no reason to feel insecure or suspicious, and if all you have is a comment from 16 years ago, then really, you have nothing to worry about.

As far as telling the children goes, then it will probably just come up in conversation when they are reaching the stage of becoming interested in boyfriends/girlfriends. I don't think it's a big thing for them to know that their Dad was married before and that their Mum was engaged to the man she was living with at the time. They will have lots of friends who have step brothers and sisters, single Mums and Dads etc. so will just accept it - but please don't hide it from them - they will wonder why...

I never believed my parents lives only began when they met each other. My, you really are underestimating the intelligence of your own children. It will not change a jot if they know their father was once married. They'll probably even think you are even more special, once they know that you have survived where the ex wife didn't.

I recommend a film called "secrets and lies". It's a great film about what happens when secrets are kept in a family. All best out in the open, especially as in the grand scheme of things, this is a very low grade secret.

Sorry you felt you were being ignored. It was simply a question of your initial post going up late. Is this a feeling you often experience? One of being ignored/ rejected/ not heard?

Just read OP.

Of course there will be things about his first marriage that make you insecure. Would you have wanted him to marry someone he didn't love?

The point is he is married to you now and has been for a long time. You have children together. You need to focus on that and not the past otherwise you run the risk of pushing him away.

He was young when he married first time round,but first loves and all that.

Looking back I have always been insercure .
At the start of our relationship I was even worse.
Would question everywhere we went together and ask if he had been there with her.
I'm surprised he put up with it.

One thing I do remember before my father died was over hearing my DH telling my father I was the best girl he had ever met.
I should hold on that thought and not let all the other stuff creep back into my thoughts.

I expect part of me feels everything was care free when he was younger,the romantic notion of his uni days and partying with no children to worry about .

My parents married at 16 and stayed married for 44 years until my mother died so am comapring my realtionship to that no doubt in my head.

I do suffer from the feeling of being ignored,rejected but that's my insercutiry not DH's.

I brought the ex wife up again in an arguement and DH'S response was to say
"I'm too old to go through this again,it's history"

OMG - everyone has a past. I still keep things from my last relationship even though I live with someone else now. Get over it. Sorry to sound harsh but he divorced her so obviously didn't want to be with her anymore.

Your dh is right in saying thats its history,if you keep bringing his ex wife up -you run the risk of pushing him away.

Seriously, his marriage was over a VERY long time ago-try to see this in perspective and get a grip on this.

House - we all have first loves... Is your first love more important to you than your dh ?? Probably not and therefore his is probably not either.. We all had carefree days running around getting drunk without kids. I loved mine and I'm sure you and your dh loved yours too BUT my life now with my dc's is a million times more fulfilling than any of that

Really try and get over this.. Seriously - consider counselling if you think it might help. It must be so exhausting and frustrating for your dh if you keep bringing these things up. He is with YOU, he loves YOU and being older, more settled and having children doesn't mean he yearns for his younger more carefree days. He's done all that and its in his past. You and your family are the present and the future.

FWIW I found out as a teenager that my mum had been married before and, although I was intrigued, it was not such a big deal. I didn't hear it from her though, so there was always part of me that felt that it was a 'guilty secret', which it is not.

I think it helped me understand her as an adult more than just my mum. It was a big part of her life and it would now seem strange to have no idea about it.

I feel for you houseoffun.

But the thing is, the marriage is in the past & your dh divorced her. Your marriage has lasted longers than theirs did!!

I don't think he needs to tell the children about his first marriage, esp as there are no children involved, but there may come a time when it seems relevant.

Not yet when they're young, but perhaps when they are old enough to understand. Would you have a problem with it then? When they are older?

This is definitely about you HoF and your insecutrities - I would second what everyone says about counselling.

My DH was married before, briefly. They split a few months before we met, but she was French (i.e. impossibly glamerous when you are obsessing about someone and insecure) and she moved countries, changed careers to be with him, swhich seemed such a big deal.

They are not in touch now, but I was insecure at first, so I do sympathise. BUT you have to find ways of getting over it and not obsessing about this and feel better about yourself. Has this really been festering for 16 years?

Your children should know your DH was married before. He doesn't have to make a big deal of it, but he should answer their questions on who she was and why they split and honestly as he can. There is no shameful sectret here, it was a long time ago and I wonder why you would want it kept from them? It's a fact about the father's past.

I know we all have pasts and that is probably why my DH never wanted to know anything about mine.

I only know so much about his as I would ask him and when we first moved in together read some of the letters she had sent to him.
Which I know which I had'nt.

I just worry that he yearns for those days as now in his middle forties he is saying how he feels old and he makes it sound like it's not exciting anymore.

Our son has SN so our relationship is quite stressed at times and me especailly finds this overwhealming .
DH thinks I am obsessed with his condition and is in my thoughts all the time and so have become quite protective of my som maybe more than I should be.
It all just adds to the daily stresses and strain of marriage.

I wouldnthave a problem him telling them when they are older if the situation came up just feel straange about it.

I just feel that they don't need to know all the details and what would it accomplish.

I am feeling a bit low at the moment as would have been my mums borthday on sunday and what with mothers day just gone and have a meeting coming up to discuss my sons progress it's all got on top of me and these insercurties from the past are surfacing.

Perhaps speak to your DH about the fact that you are still very insecure about many things, including his previous marriage, and feel undermined by his wish to share it with your children.

I know it is not rational, how you are feeling, so don't try to rationalise it. Just share it and hope that he understands where you are coming from.

I wouldn't try to change his mind though, as you are likely just feeding your own insecurity of him choosing her (by telling) over you. And he has a right to share that with them , when the time is right.

Look at it the other way - why shouldn't they know? It is part of their fathers life and has nothing to do with your life together with him.

Yes I understand that,but the children have never been or will never be part of her life and they are part of mine and DH'S .

I wasn't saying she would be part of their lives! I am saying wht is wrong with the kids knowing something about their father when he was younger?

He doesn't need to sit down and say "Well kids, I was married before I met your mum", but I see no reason at all why he can't casually mention it at some point when they're old enough and the topic arises. Maybe in a "I had an unsuccessful first marriage, don't rush into your first" type speech.

It's not as though they are going to ask to meet his ex wife, so don't be so threatened by her being mentioned. He could simply want to mention it to offer valuable advice to his children, not because it was something he still cherishes.

I agree SheWIllBeLoved.
houseoffun, why not think about having some counselling, you might find it helpful to have someone to confide in, it sounds like you are quite anxious and the added stress of your son's situation is just making you more so.