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Original poster

MiL response to bereavement in my family

64 replies

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 07:49

Hello

I would just like to get a perspective of what other people think to this. Last year over a short period of time 2 of my siblings died having had very difficult lives. My entire family history is a sad story and I have spent a lot of time with my husband’s family over 25 yrs , maybe 6-7 weeks a year with them. Upon hearing about this my Mil sent me a one line email, not even addressing me by name. No card just saying “I am thinking of you” - nothing. I can’t get past this.

OP posts:

Igmum · 08/11/2023 08:00

So sorry for your loss OP. I'm afraid that YABU. This is a normal and touching thing to say to someone who is bereaved. If you'd like something different (in-person visit, phone call, hug) please reach out and let her know.

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:02

Sorry I have not made myself clear, her email just said that she had heard about it from my husband , she did not say “I am sorry for your loss” , I would have liked that, she just said she had heard about it from him, no more than that

OP posts:

Piffpaffpoff · 08/11/2023 08:03

With kindness, I think YABU. Everyone handles grief differently and this is a totally appropriate response. It might not be how you would choose to approach this situation or how you might hope someone would, but it's a relatively normal 'opener' and most people will be then be guided by how you respond - did you reply?

Piffpaffpoff · 08/11/2023 08:04

Didn't see your update - that puts a slightly slant on it but so many people simply don't know how to respond.

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:06

She knows how to respond to her friends and she sends them cards and flowers. I guess it tells me a lot about my relationship (or lack of) with her

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 08/11/2023 08:06

It's poorly worded and she could have said more, but is she generally good at emotional discussions or not? Could she have clumsily been trying to open the door for you to talk to her about it? It sounds like you generally have a good relationship? How do you normally communicate?

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:08

Sorry I needed to have been more clear in my first message - all she said in her email was something like “I have heard from John about what has happened”

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 08/11/2023 08:08

Sorry cross posted. I've seen what you've said about cards or flowers. Don't fall out over it, ask her why. In our family we don't tend to send cards or flowers to those whom we are closest too because we talk & email regularly anyway.
I sound like I'm excusing her - I'm not - just trying to understand. It's worth doing so before assuming you don't have a relationship or so on.

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:10

I had hoped that someone I have known for 25 yrs, who I have spent a lot of time with and done a lot for could have done for me what she does for her friends, even just a card with some kind words, is that really too much to hope for? It is what I would do.

OP posts:

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:11

Op you are looking for shadows

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:12

I saw her afterwards and she said nothing. My husband who is not very sympathetic at any time even said to her it had been “something of an ordeal” and she said nothing.

OP posts:

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:12

Did both siblings die at the same time? If not, how did she respond at the loss of your other sibling

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:12

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:12

I saw her afterwards and she said nothing. My husband who is not very sympathetic at any time even said to her it had been “something of an ordeal” and she said nothing.

So you think your husband is also never sympathetic?

Whataretheodds · 08/11/2023 08:12

OP I'm sorry for your loss and that you didn't get a more comforting response from your MIL.

Did you perhaps have a difficult relationship with your siblings/non-contact? Perhaps in those circumstances she wasn't sure whether you would feel bereaved in the same way. People who have had straightforward family lives don't always get that it is can be terribly difficult when someone dies that you didn't get on with.

How is your relationship with your MIL otherwise?

How was your husband's support?

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:13

Within a short enough time that her response covered both.

OP posts:

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:14

So over the past 25 years you have had a close supportive and loving relationship with your MIL and her response is unexpected?

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:14

My point is that she has done it for other people.

OP posts:

JanefromLondon1 · 08/11/2023 08:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

MariaVT65 · 08/11/2023 08:15

To be completely honest, ‘i’m sorry for your loss’ is something i’d say as something more formal to a colleague for example. I would find it a bit odd saying that to a close family member and I think ‘i’m thinking of you’ is more appropriate.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 08/11/2023 08:15

I don't think OP is "looking for shadows".
She has lost two siblings - huge significant bereavements. Her MIL typically sends cards and flowers to her friends when they experience a bereavement. For her DIL she has just said she heard about it, she hasn't expressed any sympathy, empathy or care for her. I too would be really hurt by that. In terms of my response to this would depend on the quality of my relationship. If I had what I considered a good relationship I would probably express to her how this has hurt me and seek to understand her response. If this is hurtful but unsurprising I would just distance myself from her at this time and focus on people who care and can give the support needed.

CoffeeBean5 · 08/11/2023 08:16

YANBU she could've sent flowers and a card. I'm so sorry for your loss. So tragic.

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:16

Giantgold - you have hit the nail on the head. I have seen a lot of her and done a lot for her, but no she is not emotionally close or loving to me so maybe you are right, her reaction is not unexpected. I just thought even she could manage in these circumstances to do something

OP posts:

Original poster

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:19

Thank you Tinkeytonkoldfruit, she has never been warm to me and I this along with a lot of other things goes into the mix and I can’t go on with her as I have before.

thank you Coffebean5

OP posts:

SerafinasGoose · 08/11/2023 08:19

I'm so sorry you've suffered such terrible, traumatic losses. To lose one sibling is tragic; to lose two, unimaginable.

I'd try to view her response in the context of your general relationship with her.

My SiL behaved not dissimilarly when my mother died very suddenly and at a young age. I received no condolences from any member of DH's family at all. SiL invited herself to stay two days after the funeral then phoned MiL right in front of me, whining about what on earth she would do without a mother to talk to. I had just buried mine.

Unfortunately this was a case of once I'd seen her real character I couldn't unsee it, and her behaviour in the two decades since has done the reverse of dispelling that impression. Even DH is now out of contact with her.

As if a bereavement isn't painful enough, sometimes it shows us who is really there for us and who isn't.

Your MiL's behaviour isn't on the scale of my in-laws, and if the relationship is otherwise warm and loving I'd let it pass. In my case, it at least did me the favour of showing me what they really thought of me. I hope yours will later come through for you and your hurt will prove to be unfounded. All I would suggest is that you don't act hastily: grief isn't necessarily conducive to clear thinking.

I wish you healing and peace

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:20

Ok so 25 year relationship if not being close loving or supportive.

don’t waste your energy being upset about someone you’re not close to responding like this

what I would be concerned about is having a husband who is “never” sympathetic

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