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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MiL response to bereavement in my family

64 replies

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 07:49

Hello

I would just like to get a perspective of what other people think to this. Last year over a short period of time 2 of my siblings died having had very difficult lives. My entire family history is a sad story and I have spent a lot of time with my husband’s family over 25 yrs , maybe 6-7 weeks a year with them. Upon hearing about this my Mil sent me a one line email, not even addressing me by name. No card just saying “I am thinking of you” - nothing. I can’t get past this.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/11/2023 08:21

I wonder if sending flowers and a card is something we do for friends, neighbours, colleagues etc but not within our immediate family?

Did you tell her about the funerals etc when you were talking to her?

Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:22

Thank you for replies, yes the husband is a whole different issue. Yrs ago he described his mother as a “cold fish” when he was growing up but he defends her to the hilt and she can really do no wrong…

OP posts:
Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:24

SerafinasGoose that sounds truly horrendous, what an awful experience for you.

OP posts:
Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:25

yes the husband is a whole different issue

and the one you should be focussing on

Anneta · 08/11/2023 08:27

People sometimes find it so difficult to know what to say/do when someone is grieving but your MIL did reach out to you. You seem to be trying to ruin a close relationship you have had with your husband’s mum over this, which seems very unfair and unreasonable to me. This was last year and you are still thinking about it. Have you seen her lots of times this year and how has she treated you?

Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:27

Yes, you are right. Thank you for the replies, I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
fishfingersandchipsagain · 08/11/2023 08:29

I am so sorry for your loss. That must be so hard to deal with.

The thing with your MIL though, I think, is that she is treating you as one of her close family. She sends cards and flowers to those outside the family. You are inside the family - more important.

For example, when my aunt died I sent cards and flowers to my other aunts - I didn’t send them to my Mum.

She was probably just letting you know that she knows, so you can talk and ask for support when you are ready. Phrases like “I am thinking of you” are what you send to friends and acquaintances, not to close family.

SerafinasGoose · 08/11/2023 08:30

orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:24

SerafinasGoose that sounds truly horrendous, what an awful experience for you.

That's very kind. ❤️ Long time ago now. It must feel so much more raw for you.

CoffeeBean5 · 08/11/2023 08:31

fishfingersandchipsagain · 08/11/2023 08:29

I am so sorry for your loss. That must be so hard to deal with.

The thing with your MIL though, I think, is that she is treating you as one of her close family. She sends cards and flowers to those outside the family. You are inside the family - more important.

For example, when my aunt died I sent cards and flowers to my other aunts - I didn’t send them to my Mum.

She was probably just letting you know that she knows, so you can talk and ask for support when you are ready. Phrases like “I am thinking of you” are what you send to friends and acquaintances, not to close family.

If that's the case then MIL should've sent flowers and a card to OP's parents who lost two children within a short period of time.

Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:32

She doesn’t talk to me about anything important for me and does not give me support so a conversation was never going to happen . I just thought that at this time she could step up.

OP posts:
Katrinawaves · 08/11/2023 08:32

I am very sorry for your loss.

Your initial post alludes to your siblings having had very difficult lives though and I wonder if that contributed to your MIL’s reaction particularly if she thought you had a difficult relationship with them. The phrase covers so much after all.

If they had difficult lives because they had both suffered life long illness and disability and you had a close relationship with them, then her reaction is very cold.

If it is something like they were drug addicts living on the streets, in and out of prison and almost completely estranged from you and the wider family (as an example), she may genuinely not have known how you would feel about their passing and how to respond to you. Whilst in those circumstances it would still be reasonable for you to grieve the loss of what the relationship could have been, an outsider may not have recognised you needed the same level of support

I’m not asking you to share with us what the difficult lives were by the way, just suggesting that you give some thought into whether the context whatever it might be could explain her response. If your relationship with her has always been good, could you discuss this with her and clear the air? She might be horrified to know she hurt you.

Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:33

I don’t have any living parents and no further siblings.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 08/11/2023 08:33

Your OP sounds like she sent an email saying 'I'm thinking of you' - which I think she actually didn't. She just said she had heard - end of. That's a bit thoughtless yes.

Newgirls · 08/11/2023 08:33

I imagine your were hoping for a more motherly approach and it wasn’t forthcoming. Just seen your own parents aren’t alive any more and I’m sure you wish you could talk to them all again

Im so sorry for your loss. I hope you get to talk about your siblings with their friends - you must miss them a great deal x

Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:35

I hoped for a caring approach from someone I have spent a lot of time with over 25 yrs but I should know her better and not have that expectation. I see her do it for other people and so it was a hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangecowboy · 08/11/2023 08:36

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Lovethatforyouhun · 08/11/2023 08:37

Wow what an uncaring bunch of people on here.

OP she should have sent you a card at least, even if she is emotionally backwards and unable to say anything a card would suffice.

People show who they really are during the bad times.

Ofcourseshecan · 08/11/2023 08:38

Your MIL and (more importantly) DH sound pretty hopeless. I’d have thought anyone could manage more kindness than that.

Sending hugs and sympathy to you, OP. I hope you have better people around you to help you through this ordeal xx

LilyLemonade · 08/11/2023 08:40

So sorry for your losses and also about this cold behaviour from your MiL. I would be upset too. It’s a really very inadequate response to your bereavement.

Unfortunately your experience is all too common. It’s really painful when people don’t step up in your hour of need. You wonder what is the point of the relationship at all, if they can’t offer you support when you most need it. it can be another form of loss really, in the sense that the relationship you thought you had with that person (in your case, your MiL), is gone.

All that being said, try to rise above it and maintain the relationship as best you can. Know that you are not alone. So many bereaved are let down by those close to them. Look for support wherever and by whomever it is offered.

All the best to you.

ColleenDonaghy · 08/11/2023 08:42

She does sound a bit rubbish, but it doesn't sound like you'll change her so I would just try and reconcile that in your head. No point expecting more than she's willing to give, but don't give any more of yourself than you're willing to either iykwim.

Agree re cards and flowers not being for immediate family, when my dad died my MIL didn't send me anything, but she let us borrow her car and also minded our DD for the funeral which was much more useful! It doesn't sound like your MIL has given you any such consideration.

Your DH does sound more troubling, he should have been supporting you through those awful bereavements.

fishfingersandchipsagain · 08/11/2023 08:43

Lovethatforyouhun · 08/11/2023 08:37

Wow what an uncaring bunch of people on here.

OP she should have sent you a card at least, even if she is emotionally backwards and unable to say anything a card would suffice.

People show who they really are during the bad times.

I think that shows the variation in expectations though. When I had a bereavement I was deeply upset when people I thought were close sent cards. It was such an impersonal thing to do. An “easy answer” for them.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 08/11/2023 08:47

I'm so sorry for your losses @orangecowboy

I think that people really show themselves for who they are at times when we are most vulnerable and in need of human comfort. This underlines what you've thought all along - that your MIL doesn't care enough about your emotional wellbeing to reach out to you when you would to her. This means you can't trust her or rely on her and that's a horrible realisation...it doesn't matter what you do for her...she will also be the same.

I would keep her at arms length and withdraw from offering any more care to her than you can afford. It's natural to feel angry and hurt and you need to do what's right for you. Try to find other people that will give you that love and support. Focus on those people.

JustAMinutePleass · 08/11/2023 08:52

If you weren’t in contact with them and your mil never spent time with them she might believe, out of loyalty to you, that it’s good they’re dead. This was definitely the case for me when my DH’s relative died recently - he was grieving but all I was thinking about was how much better his life would now be without them. I couldn’t be sympathetic and so I retreated a little

tothesea · 08/11/2023 08:57

When a close friend died very suddenly my MIL happened to phone me shortly after I received the news. She said ‘Oh dear’ and changed the subject to what she was phoning about.
It was never mentioned again.
However my MIL does not like it if the attention is not 100% on her, perhaps this is also the case here?
I can understand how you feel OP it’s very disappointing to know you don’t have emotional support from family members. I hope you do have someone you can turn to x

Mariposista · 08/11/2023 08:58

I am so sorry OP for your loss and for this disappointing reaction.
I am also recently bereaved and from experience, we dwell more on those who DON'T react as we would like, rather than on the love and support we DO receive. This has been the case for me too - very little emotional support from family - pretty much none actually. Bu I do have people around me who have been brilliant and I know I should focus on them. Try and do the same, hard as it is. Yes, she SHOULD be more compassionate, but you can't change her, so run with those willing to lift you up.