MiL response to bereavement in my family

[orangecowboy]

Hello

I would just like to get a perspective of what other people think to this. Last year over a short period of time 2 of my siblings died having had very difficult lives. My entire family history is a sad story and I have spent a lot of time with my husband’s family over 25 yrs , maybe 6-7 weeks a year with them. Upon hearing about this my Mil sent me a one line email, not even addressing me by name. No card just saying “I am thinking of you” - nothing. I can’t get past this.

Thank you for the kindness. It has now prompted an overdue reassessment of what I want going forward and that is less time with her. In the not too distant past I have arranged holidays, she has holidayed with us most years with me arranging flights, accommodation day trips, car hire etc etc. she thanks me for doing it but so what if you can’t come through when someone needs kindness.
so no more, her son can step up now.
I need to focus on my life and my children and seek out people who shine light.

thank you again, I need to let go and move forward.

As Maya Angelou said “ the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them”

taken me a long time…

Having read the bulk of the thread and caught up a little on the context of the relationship, there are a lot of ways you could see this charitably if you wanted to. It certainly comes off as stiff, awkward, frankly odd. It’s possible she’s just not the type of person who “clicks” with you and didn’t feel comfortable with a more open, compassionate response to your bereavement. It’s also possible she was REALLY up tightly trying to open a little door for you to talk to her/lean on her if you wanted. Her upbringing might have been incredibly formal or like many people in my family encouraged more exuberant displays of affection towards people not in the family (sounds weird, but you can have a stiff upper lip attitude within a family while trying to keep your friends sweet).

With a different eye, she’s doing less than the bare minimum and to be honest it IS a bit weird. Examples from me - two (strangely unknown to each other) friends were bereaved by the suicide of the same person this year. I started with the formal phrases: I’m sorry, that’s so awful, etc but based on what I know about what my friends believe and the details they’d given about this person there was much more I could say, always acknowledging I couldn’t take away the pain of loss, because nobody can. I don’t think I helped much, although they both said I did, but it’s always better to try and fail than to try to protect yourself from awkwardness by not trying.

This may come out as unintentionally harsh, but I think the important takeaway from this situation is that you’ve lost two precious people, not that someone with whom you have a distant and formal relationship has responded badly. Focus on the people around you, share with them, lean on them for a while, remember your relatives and have compassion for yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good to reserve headspace for anger/upset about someone not responding correctly to the bereavement, particularly since it sounds like it’s within the pattern of her normal behaviour. Maybe even consider that she wasn’t being outright cruel, just very distant, and it’s not worth the time and energy to even want to get much closer.

Sorry @orangecowboy I spent ten minutes typing that and then saw your posts above mine! Apologies.

I'm so sorry you've had a such a horrible time, but I think you have to accept that different people respond in different ways.
There was a very recent post on here where the OP was upset that someone had used the phrase 'sorry for your loss' yet you say you would have appreciated it.
Where bereavement's concerned it's a minefield - nobody knows the 'right' thing to say as individuals respond to condolences, however they are phrased, in different ways.

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep you see I fully disagree with that.

The least the MIL should have done us to acknowledge the loss and the pain/grief the OP experienced. The words themselves don’t matter. But the acknowledgement does.
And she didn’t do anything at all. A one line email is not acknowledging the pain and grief. Esp when you see that person so often and have had plenty of opportunities to let them know.

Very very sorry for your loss. Hope you are going easy on yourself.

I think this lack of emotional response might run in the family because you say 'My husband who is not very sympathetic at any time'
So where did he learn that then?

I wonder are you angry at your DH too.

Sometimes the closer the person is to us, the harder it is to truly express our emotions to them.

If people are avoidant of emotions, then they will distance themselves and avoid an emotional situation.

Just had my in-laws to stay and this thread has been really helpful.
A recent death in my family has brought into focus how dysfunctional most families are in their own way.

I've known my in-laws nearly 30 years, I was a 21 year old student, they were still working.

They both pride themselves on rising above /not engaging in gossip. A previous Op, talks about a formal up bringing. As a result they are such cold fish I don't know them any better now than then. I can fill in the gaps, think about what they choose to say but ultimately we are still on polite conversation.
My SIL is undergoing cancer treatment, it's serious but MIL doesn't crack apparently 'one just gets on with it' no wonder my DH struggles to express emotion. His brother has also got no emotional language and his kids are totally warped although MIL seems to get on best with them.
My in laws also have this weird snob thing going on - house names not numbers, old furniture not new, pay tradesman but then talk about them like it's an Edwardian Anthropology study.

Even after 30 years they think their children married beneath them! After DH failed to make any effort for Xmas several years I stopped doing any presents for his family. I sometimes crack if I I have a particularly great idea but that also hasn't helped the social contract between us all.

OP, I’m sorry for your losses.
Gently, I’d rather the one line ‘ thinking of you’ than some of the crass comments I received. And I wasn’t alone, several people in my widows group got equally hurtful ( and bizarre) comments.
Your mil possibly found your losses overwhelmingly sad, we all think ‘ that could happen to me too’
Look after yourself, seek help with your grief if you feel the need. But let mil’s comment go.

For an example of an avoidant reaction, my sister did not go to a childhood friends funeral because she said 'I don't like funerals'.
She was only thinking of herself and her own difficulty in coping with grief, and not thinking of how the other person might benefit from a kind word or an appearance at the funeral.

But people who act like this are not bad people.
They dismiss their own worth and value as a friend or companion when things like this come up.

What they are thinking is 'there's nothing I have to give this grieving person because I'm going to be no help to anyone' or 'she'll want to be with her own family, I'm no good to her'.

I would urge you to seek other support for your grief.
But also do not hold it against MIL. If she has in all other situations been a loving support in your life, then don't let this define her.

She is emotionally unavailable but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you dearly.

Its a really traumatic thing ...she didn't know how to respond.

But that's the point I'm making. You fully disagree with me - that's fine, we all have different approaches to bereavement. I'd prefer a low key response, other people are looking for more emotion. You have to accept people's responses at face value.

OP,

Her reaction is very poor but sounds consistent with previous behaviour.

You are the kind giving one and she accepts your generosity.

25 years is a long time with such a dynamic.

You have suffered a huge loss and of course you are devastated.

A re-evaluation is definitely in order.

A very similar thing happened to my friend and whilst she was very hurt at the time by her inlaws lack of any acknowledgement when her mother died very suddenly.

She found it really helped to completely step back and leave all entertaining/contact of her in laws to her husband.

She's a fantastic cook but no longer hosts at all.

When it was queried she told her MIL to talk to her son, as her entertaining days were over.

She's a fabulous cook, so they messed up big time.

@Seaweed42 I know this isn’t my thread but I wanted to thank you for making that point. I’m anxious/mixed attachment, raised in a very formal family but I’ve somehow managed to come out almost ridiculously demonstrative and expressive. I find it really difficult to go to things like funerals because they’re sad on their own but that’s before you see your friends or loved ones devastated and knowing what they’ve lost, and I genuinely don’t know what to do and worry that I’d be more of a burden or be unable to be helpful at a funeral. My mother told me to go to the burial of my friend’s stillborn baby last year though, it was relatively easy to cope with as they had known he wouldn’t survive and are staunch Christians so believe he is happy with Jesus, but my friend still thanked me for coming - few people had made the effort to come even though she’s very popular. I was glad I had done it but without the push from my mother I wouldn’t have gone.

However, it sounds like the OPs MIL has consistently been quite cold towards her, and even if you’re feeling awkward or de trop there are conventions you can follow like sending flowers, a card, “sorry for your loss” which is quicker to type than “my son told me what happened”.