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Original poster

Affair partners Spouse

97 replies

AmericanLady21 · 07/11/2023 22:23

I had a connection (emotional affair) with a man nothing physical ever happened, I am waiting for bowel cancer results as im in constant pain and bleeding so don't want to do anything physical anyway! I went away to my friends house (she lets rooms out as a b&b) and he came there with me but still nothing ever happened my friend was there too the whole time ... it has ended however whilst it's ended his wife has found out and he tried to play it off as a one night stand kinda thing thinking she'd never know who I am and they can work on their marriage etc etc and told me that's what he was doing... since this moment I have had numerous messages threatening to come to my house, tell me husband if I lie to her etc etc and whilst I know nothing physical happened I haven't told my husband but I have gone along with AP lie to his wife and answered her questions as I thought he would want me too to help them and ensure she doesn't say anything but she is still messaging me threatening me what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 13:56

I don't know how to edit my comment but the brackets regarding before his wife found out we're in regards to telling him I couldn't be his friend , he was blocked after she found out but I never contacted him during those times

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 14:00

beAsensible1 · 08/11/2023 13:53

OP you actually don’t have to keep talking to her. Tell her you’ve said everything you need to and she should refer any other questions to her own husband.
you are sorry and she shouldn’t contact you again. Block her and him.

your guilt doesn’t make you beholden to keeping up this ridiculous lie for him let alone being the punching bag for his other indiscretions.

tell your husband everything including the lying for the AP and beg forgiveness. See if you can prove the no sec without dropping your friend in it!

maybe leave out the wife’s threats

I've tried that and she left me alone but then got a new number and messaged me saying she's found me and my H on social media etc

If I don't tell right now she will and I want too and am going to tell him I just wanted my health to be clear first of what's going on as it's already a very tough time here not knowing what stage how treatable things are etc

OP posts:
MrsPinkL · 08/11/2023 14:13

Can you not even for a second see the point of view of the wife? It’s natural she is hurting, she is the wronged one here not you.

You admit in your opening post you were having an emotion affair with her husband, you went away together for the night but didn’t shag ( well so you say, not sure many will be believing that though)

You could always tell your dh? As it’s sounds likely his about to find out anyway so it’s properly better coming from you

michoconnell · 08/11/2023 14:14

How did staying at the BnB with him come about, OP?

CharlotteRose90 · 08/11/2023 14:23

If this was a friendship you wouldn’t be worried about telling your husband. Own your mistake and tell him. If he leaves you then so be it. Don’t have an affair physical or emotional next time. It’s still an affair and frankly your husband deserves better

Hellsmells · 08/11/2023 14:37

You face the consequences of the lies you've told/are telling.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/11/2023 14:48

I have to agree with the other posters OP, there are a couple of victims in the situation (his wife, your husband) you’re in however you aren’t one of them.

If you value your marriage and partner then you need to tell him the entire truth, and without hiding behind anything- I completely understand you’re waiting for results, however that doesn’t change the fact you have acted the way that you have.

The sooner you tell the truth the better, because if she tells your husband before you do then you’re going to find it almost impossible to back track. As it is I think you will find it difficult because honestly I trust and love my husband but if he came to me saying he’d had an emotional affair, and had then told the other woman’s husband they had slept together because she asked him to, then tried to tell me he hadn’t actually crossed any lines, I honestly don’t know that I would be bothering myself trying to unravel that pack of lies and would probably consider myself well rid.

EvenBetta · 08/11/2023 17:33

CornishGem1975 · 08/11/2023 13:23

No it's not, it's a common phrase. Lots of people who have had affairs use AP.

Show quote history

It's an interesting definition for man the OP was only friends with and also having an emotional affair with, during this friendship, and definitely did not bang him even though telling his wife that she did.
Pick a story and stick with it. The only victims here are your husband and your affair partners wife.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 08/11/2023 17:37

If you play with fire you will get burned.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 17:45

If it’s just a friendship why were you ever using affair terminology? Why did you go for a night away with him and where did your husband and his wife think you were?

Mrsttcno1 · 08/11/2023 18:05

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 17:45

If it’s just a friendship why were you ever using affair terminology? Why did you go for a night away with him and where did your husband and his wife think you were?

Exactly this. For me personally, at the point you’re sneaking around and lying to your partner about who you’re with, you have cheated/had an affair. It certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better if my husband was telling me he’d spent a secret night in a b&b with a woman “but we didn’t have sex”.

whichwayisup · 08/11/2023 18:16

So you had a "secret friendship" NOT an affair, you went on a secret holiday weekend with your secret friend but it was NOT an affair. You admitted to the wife that you had sex but it was NOT an affair.

It was just an innocent secret friendship ffs... An innocent secret platonic friendship.

I've no idea why the wife would be raging especially when you are waiting for test results n that.

Beigelions8 · 08/11/2023 18:19

You don't stay in a b&b with a male friend and not tell your husband unless youre cheating.
You expect us to believe youre the innocent party here.
Nope not buying it.
You messed up, own it and tell your husband. He deserves to know and decide to leave you or not.

Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 18:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 17:45

If it’s just a friendship why were you ever using affair terminology? Why did you go for a night away with him and where did your husband and his wife think you were?

My H knew exactly where I was I didn't even know the man had booked a room untill I got there

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 18:23

So when you got home you just didn’t tell him your “friend” was also staying there? Because he doesn’t know who this man is?

FloydPepper · 08/11/2023 18:28

Mrsttcno1 · 08/11/2023 14:48

I have to agree with the other posters OP, there are a couple of victims in the situation (his wife, your husband) you’re in however you aren’t one of them.

If you value your marriage and partner then you need to tell him the entire truth, and without hiding behind anything- I completely understand you’re waiting for results, however that doesn’t change the fact you have acted the way that you have.

The sooner you tell the truth the better, because if she tells your husband before you do then you’re going to find it almost impossible to back track. As it is I think you will find it difficult because honestly I trust and love my husband but if he came to me saying he’d had an emotional affair, and had then told the other woman’s husband they had slept together because she asked him to, then tried to tell me he hadn’t actually crossed any lines, I honestly don’t know that I would be bothering myself trying to unravel that pack of lies and would probably consider myself well rid.

Spot on

Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 18:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 18:23

So when you got home you just didn’t tell him your “friend” was also staying there? Because he doesn’t know who this man is?

No he doesn't, and this is an example of how little it mattered to me...I would be like a neighbour that you see passing and speak too now and then or you speak to one more than others if you realise you have a similar issue or whatever and you go away and they are there but you still don't really interact with them but I felt that if I told my H he would be wtf so just kinda forgot about it, told the man I can't be friends with him and then his wife found out (unsure what he's said to her prior) and told me what he was planning on saying to her and before I could even process it all she was messaging me threatening if I lie she's at my door and I felt I had no choice as if I started saying no I didn't she would have been at my door

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 08/11/2023 18:30

Op you’re not being honest on here are you?

EvenBetta · 08/11/2023 18:35

Can you explain why you called him your affair partner, said you were having an emotional affair with him, told someone you shagged him, but are now saying this is all lies and he’s a friend? Should be easy to clarify, if you’re not spoofing.

whichwayisup · 08/11/2023 18:35

Utter bullshit

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/11/2023 18:37

Initially you described it as an emotional affair and you clearly didn't want to tell your husband about it. Now you're saying it was just a very casual friendship. Not buying it, sorry.

If you don't want to risk this man's wife telling your husband, you will have to tell him yourself. If you don't want to tell him, then I guess you'll just have to do what you can to appease her and hope for the best that she doesn't.

The way to avoid this situation would have been to avoid the affair in the first place. There is no easy way out now.

whichwayisup · 08/11/2023 18:37

If I was away at a b&b and my neighbour who I occasionally chatted to or anyone else I knew happened to be there of course I'd say to my partner and it's fucking bizarre that you wouldn't.

Catoo · 08/11/2023 18:44

whichwayisup · 08/11/2023 18:35

Utter bullshit

Seconded

EvenBetta · 08/11/2023 18:44

@whichwayisup I don’t think there was a neighbour in this web of lies, it was just OP incoherently typing about how little her affair partner means to her in order to avoid answering everyone asking her why she’s lying on her OP vs her replies.
Anyway. Pointless thread.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/11/2023 18:45

It's not making any sense op and you sound pretty confused tbh?