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Original poster

Affair partners Spouse

97 replies

AmericanLady21 · 07/11/2023 22:23

I had a connection (emotional affair) with a man nothing physical ever happened, I am waiting for bowel cancer results as im in constant pain and bleeding so don't want to do anything physical anyway! I went away to my friends house (she lets rooms out as a b&b) and he came there with me but still nothing ever happened my friend was there too the whole time ... it has ended however whilst it's ended his wife has found out and he tried to play it off as a one night stand kinda thing thinking she'd never know who I am and they can work on their marriage etc etc and told me that's what he was doing... since this moment I have had numerous messages threatening to come to my house, tell me husband if I lie to her etc etc and whilst I know nothing physical happened I haven't told my husband but I have gone along with AP lie to his wife and answered her questions as I thought he would want me too to help them and ensure she doesn't say anything but she is still messaging me threatening me what do I do?

OP posts:
LittleGlowingOblong · 07/11/2023 23:39

You’re in pain, and bleeding, possibly with bowel cancer. Focus on your health, hold on tight to your husband - you’ll maybe need him - and let the rest wash away.
You’re in a different zone to most posters. I hope your test results come back clear.

Deathbyfluffy · 07/11/2023 23:41

AmericanLady21 · 07/11/2023 23:24

No I don't don't even know why I did tbh hence why it's in brackets it was a friendship that was kept secret because I thought it would be easier that way (for me) turns out I'm now in a web of lies and don't know what to do and would prefer to die and am looking for some support as my mum died and that's the only person I could speak to

Tell him, then stop lying about things.
As harsh as it is, you’ve only got yourself to blame for getting yourself into such a daft situation.

You shouldn’t be keeping things like this from your husband.

HereLies · 07/11/2023 23:54

It makes no sense why he'd say one night stand and you'd agree on it as a less painful cover for friendship. What a mess. Your husband should know what's happening, the truthful version.

I dont blame the wife who is being gaslit.

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/11/2023 00:09

At the BnB did you share a room and a bed?

MinnieL · 08/11/2023 00:48

Your excuses don’t even work here, in writing, and now you’re back-pedalling

Exactly! Good luck telling your husband but I recommend getting your story straight first

uhOhOP · 08/11/2023 09:21

AmericanLady21 · 07/11/2023 23:24

No I don't don't even know why I did tbh hence why it's in brackets it was a friendship that was kept secret because I thought it would be easier that way (for me) turns out I'm now in a web of lies and don't know what to do and would prefer to die and am looking for some support as my mum died and that's the only person I could speak to

I suppose if you kept the friendship secret there was a reason for it. Doesn't your husband allow you to have friends? Or maybe it actually was a little bit more than a friendship?

Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 10:15

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/11/2023 00:09

At the BnB did you share a room and a bed?

No, didn't share a room or bed

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 10:16

Louise303 · 07/11/2023 23:30

I hope she does tell your husband why should he be in the dark sorry to hear about your health but I think this is the only reason you didn't have sex with him.

I didn't because it didn't even cross my mind too like I said I didn't fancy him , no feelings no flirting just normal chit chat

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 10:21

HereLies · 07/11/2023 23:54

It makes no sense why he'd say one night stand and you'd agree on it as a less painful cover for friendship. What a mess. Your husband should know what's happening, the truthful version.

I dont blame the wife who is being gaslit.

He told me if it was just a one night stand etc she might ask me a few questions but would be able to just move on with life (I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship, but I know he's had one night stands in the past and she has just carried on with life and with him so I think he thought it would be a same situation) but on the other hand if it was a friendship based on talking about mental health etc which is what it was she wouldn't get over that as he is confiding in someone else which I understand so it made sense at the time

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 10:22

"I suppose if you kept the friendship secret there was a reason for it. Doesn't your husband allow you to have friends? Or maybe it actually was a little bit more than a friendship?"

It's not that he doesn't allow it but I think he'd be against it if it was a new friend not someone I'd know a long time he'd think it was more but that said if it was a new girl friend he wouldn't have an issue

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 08/11/2023 10:56

I think you need to speak with the wife and tell her the truth and then tell your husband. If you don’t and she does then he will never believe you. As shit as it is, covering up more will only cause you more pain.

EvenBetta · 08/11/2023 11:00

Your thread title says ‘affair’, your first line says ‘emotional affair’, yet you’re saying it was friendship now. Make it make sense if you want people to try to decipher what you’re writing about. Situation sounds absolutely ridiculous, no wonder his wife is seething.

michoconnell · 08/11/2023 11:07

It sounds like he was cheating with someone else and you've been the scapegoat, OP.

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/11/2023 11:33

There is so much going on here. So, first: you are friends with this man and went away with him but didn't tell your husband because you knew he wouldn't approve. This is the first mistake. You must feel more for this man than you're admitting here or you wouldn't have prioritised spending time away with him over your husband's feelings. You wouldn't jeopardise your relaionship and do something out of bounds in your relationship for someone who wasn't important to you. Does your DH know that this man even exists or is the whole thing a secret? If he doens't even know he exists and you hand on heart want to say you kept it a secret because your DH doesn't let you have male friends, then I think the problem is you should address this with DH. But you must know that many relationships would not be ok with spending the night with new, emotioanlly invested member of the sex you are attracted to.

Now on to the lie. He has convinced you to say you had sex with him to hide the fact you have an emotionally connected friendship. And now you think he's covering another, physical affair. Did he ask you to do this in writing or over the phone? I would cut this guy loose. He is a dickhead who cheats on his wife and uses vulnerable women to cover his tracks. Tell the wife the truth. If you have evidence (screenshots of him asking you to lie) all the better. Then tell your husband, again using evidence.

Panama2 · 08/11/2023 12:14

Have you admitted anything in writing? If not it is she said he said your word against hers. She should be speaking to her husband not threatening you.

Bookworm20 · 08/11/2023 12:25

You need to tell the wife the truth. she is asking you because she needs the truth. And can you blame her? So tell her the times/places etc of your friendship meetups and be honest!
Why cover up his bullshit story?
Sounds like he is playing away all over the place anyway and you were one of many.
Then tell your husband.
And then you may actually be able to sleep without this whole thing hanging over your head causing you all this stress.

Just tell the damn truth. However painful the truth is for someone to hear, its a lot less damaging than being lied to.

Catandsquirrel · 08/11/2023 12:48

Have you put anything incriminating in writing beyond having a platonic friendship with a man?

I would block both of them and concentrate on your recovery. If it gets back to your husband then tell him the truth.

Melodyy · 08/11/2023 12:51

I agree with above; block them and move on.
I'd also be forthcoming with your DH.
You don't need to tell the wife anything and you don't need to engage in any form of conversation with her.
Focus on your health OP; potential cancer diagnosis is scary enough as it is.

Screwballs · 08/11/2023 13:11

Panama2 · 08/11/2023 12:14

Have you admitted anything in writing? If not it is she said he said your word against hers. She should be speaking to her husband not threatening you.

I dunno if its that clear cut, if someone got in touch with me being adamant DP had been cheating, surely it would raise questions proof or not?

CornishGem1975 · 08/11/2023 13:23

minieggsandmaltesers · 07/11/2023 22:58

Affair partner is a strange turn of phrase to use unless you are the one who has been cheated on.
Anyway, what goes around comes around.
I'd tell your husband first.

No it's not, it's a common phrase. Lots of people who have had affairs use AP.

Forsakenalmosthuman · 08/11/2023 13:28

O what a tangled web we weave
When first we post bollocks on Mumsnet

GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 13:41

I hope you make a speedy and full recovery.

I just can't fathom a situation where I'd lie that I'd shagged someones husband when I hadn't. And if I did do that I can't imagine what good would come of doing so.

NortieTortie · 08/11/2023 13:49

Sounds like she'll tell your husband in the end regardless.
I'd show him (husband) all of the messages between you & friend and be completely honest about the mess you've gotten yourself into.

beAsensible1 · 08/11/2023 13:53

OP you actually don’t have to keep talking to her. Tell her you’ve said everything you need to and she should refer any other questions to her own husband.
you are sorry and she shouldn’t contact you again. Block her and him.

your guilt doesn’t make you beholden to keeping up this ridiculous lie for him let alone being the punching bag for his other indiscretions.

tell your husband everything including the lying for the AP and beg forgiveness. See if you can prove the no sec without dropping your friend in it!

maybe leave out the wife’s threats

Original poster
AmericanLady21 · 08/11/2023 13:54

NortieTortie · 08/11/2023 13:49

Sounds like she'll tell your husband in the end regardless.
I'd show him (husband) all of the messages between you & friend and be completely honest about the mess you've gotten yourself into.

I don't have any, we never text only spoke on the phone and everything is blocked has been since I told him I can't be in a friendship with him as my anxiety was sky high and we shouldn't of ever been friends (before his wife found out)
I've answered all of his wife's questions which she said she asked do she could move on and sort things out with him and not contact me again and I've not heard from her , I've not contacted him but it feels like she's just popping up again now and I don't know why

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