He pulled me down so he could get up

[StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing]

Metaphorically speaking.

When we got together, he was down on his luck and I quickly fell unhappily into the mother role. I finally extricated myself from the relationship at the end of last year and was excited to finally start living life for myself after a string of toxic and abusive relationships. My hope for better things to come was quickly extinguished when he immediately struck up a relationship with my (ex)best friend who also happens to live a few streets away. Although I wouldn’t see it at the time, she was incredibly cruel to me and started distancing herself.

I was devastated but blocked them both and tried my best to move on with my life. I was feeling so much stronger until I received a letter from him, the gist of which is that life is amazing for him now and he’s over me. He thanked me for trying to help him but said that hurting him had made him sort his life out so he forgives me. Ever since, I have sunken back into the depths of grief and can’t find a way out.

I recently found out that he’s having a huge birthday party with (ex)BF’s circle that she always kept me at arms length from. He has a magnetic personality and everyone loves him so I’m not surprised things are going so well for him and he’s yet again found himself the centre of attention. I know I should be happy for him but it feels so unfair that I sacrificed so much to help him get his life on track and I’m repaid by catastrophic damage to mine.

My faith and trust in people has been absolutely destroyed and I don’t want to hang out with my incredibly small remaining support network because I’m such a drag to be around at the moment. My self esteem has been crushed, especially as one of the last things exBF said to me was that she preferred his company and implied I was boring. I have a milestone birthday coming up and I know it’s just going to be a reminder of all I’ve lost. I’ve already had my fair share of trauma yet it keeps on coming and I just want to give up.

How am I ever going to get over it? Right now I can’t imagine ever being happy again.

If you keep looking back I’m afraid that’s the way you are going to go.

Perception is everything and you need to reframe the situation. You are letting these two live in your head rent free and for what?

Ever heard the saying ‘forgiveness is the best form of self interest’

Allow yourself 10 mins a day at 6pm to think about these people and after the ten mins is up you focus on something else.

You have dodged a bullet and you are blessed in that regard. If the guy is doing well for himself then so be it. Let him crack on he is not and never was your responsibility and nor can you take credit for his life today.

Focus on yourself, set up a target or goal, join a new class, yoga etc and start living!!

The important lesson here for you, OP, is never again to enter into a relationship with someone ‘down on their luck’ and put yourself in the ‘rescuer’ position. It’s not a good power basis for a relationship, and people often don’t want to be around their ‘rescuer’, who saw them at their lowest, once they’re back on their feet. (How many threads on here wail about what a good friend they were to someone in need, and how hurt they are now that the friend now doesn’t invite them to parties or fun stuff? The rescuer thinks they’re ‘owed’ loyalty because of all the sacrifices they made for them, the rescuee doesn’t want to be around someone who sees them as a pity project.)

You were absolutely right to end the relationship, but the consequences which are still playing out are making you unhappy.

You can’t do anything about the behaviour of your ex and your former friend, but you should absolutely be exploring your responses in therapy.

Why did you ‘sacrifice’ so much during the relationship to help a man ‘down on his luck’ to the point it’s now making you aggrieved? Why were you attracted to someone ‘down on his luck’ in the first place? Is it a pattern for you? (You mention a string of abusive ‘toxic’ relationships.) Why does it matter so much to you now that he’s on an up — did you want him to crash when you left? And your former friendship also sounds as if it had issues entirely unrelated to your ex-boyfriend, if she was keeping you away from her other friends all along and ended your friendship by telling you you bored her?

What I’m trying to say here is that you should be focusing on your own actions and responses so you don’t repeat old patterns.

If your life is amazing, you don’t send a boastful spiteful letter to your ex. He’s trying to be cruel to get your attention OP, don’t let it work.

He’s a total dick OP but the wonderful news here is that he is already your ex! And you’ve also got rid of your disloyal shitty ex friend! You’re already winning :) you’ve escaped these horrible people and now you have space in your life for actual friends who don’t upset you. Fill your life with as many new activities and new people as you can is my advice to you.

OH OP. The letter was a calculated move to make you feel bad about yourself and it looks like it succeeded. You are a nice person who has allowed yourself to be used by people who are clearly horrible.
The pair of them deserve one another.
Do not respond in any way - this is what they both want you to do so they can call you more names. They are not very clever are they - but they are indeed very cruel.

This is giving me a lot to think about. I definitely have unhealthy boundaries and almost feel grateful that people have ‘chosen’ me. I have chronic people pleasing tendencies. This is what we’re exploring in therapy at the moment.

It’s not so much that I expected loyalty just because I’d helped him but more because we’ve been friends a very long time and I naively thought he’d similarly be keen to prioritise and maintain our existing friendship even if a romantic relationship didn’t work out (eventually, once we’d both moved on) but instead he detonated it and there’s no coming back from this for me.

I’ve also never wished him ill and would have been happy for him if he’d achieved this without stepping on me. I can’t help but feel it’s incredibly unfair that I’ve been left to pick up the pieces while they sail off into the sunset together. I do wish I could move on but I’m stuck in the past, still processing the betrayal. For context, he literally has hundreds of friends but instead chose to befriend my longest standing and closest friend which again would have felt more bearable if she didn’t literally live up the road from me.

She absolutely has massive issues too. Funnily enough, she was in a similar ‘love triangle’ for years which was just wrapping up when this happened. She has lots of enemies too so I should have known I’d be on that list sooner or later. In hindsight, I think she was just using me. I don’t actually feel that bad about losing her ‘friendship’, just more aggrieved that people can do stuff like this and I know she’ll be loving the power and the fact that she ‘won’.

They really are an unhinged and evil pair.

I hope sending the response gave you some release because I think that they will be roaring laughing at it. I think you have inadvertently handed them more bullets to shoot you with - because you are not dealing with emotionally healthy human beings here (I just can’t get over boiling a mouse to death) - their letter was to wound and punish you.

As PP have said take this as a watershed moment to review your pattern of choosing / attracting / indulging / tolerating vile romantic relationships and vile friendships - do the work on that core wound that puts your self worth so low and leaves a glaring vulnerability that these types sniff out, sense and target.

Heal that core self belief and you will never get entangled in these toxic types again.

Reframe not having too many friends currently as temporary as you are having a rethink, re-set on relationship values and a subsequent declutter. Once you have healed and the trash have taken themselves out / you have kicked them out you will have acres of time, headspace and emotional energy to invest in new reciprocal relationships and friendships that will bring you easy, radiant, joy.....

@Slipknotted has it

Also your x boyfriend told you who he was (vexatious and spiteful) by the actions you observed when he ‘detonated’ the lives of his previous friendships - that’s who he is - no surprise he did it to you. That’s his biological compulsion - same as if he was a scorpion - it’s in his nature.

Play shitty games, get shitty prizes. That's what sh's 'won', a shitty prize.

This too will pass OP.

@StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing

I came on here to say something simialr but @Slipknotted had already said a lot of it. Your original post starts with

When we got together, he was down on his luck and I quickly fell unhappily into the mother role

I have had to face harsh truths about myself over the years - this was a choice you made. You chose to be his "saviour". You finished the relationship, it is your choice to move on or to get bogged down in what he is doing with his life.

As you are in therapy I have no doubt that accountability, saviour patterns and martyr patterns will be discussed at some point. You are placing blame on him for things that you are thinking. You have already extricated yourself from the relationship, you need to make the (difficult) choice to move on.

People have mentioned here that you are living in his head rent free but it is the other way around. You are letting him and your ex-BF live in YOUR head rent free.

You don't mention what you sacrificed over the years for him but again, these were choices, they may not have felt like it at the time.

You are doing the best you can if you are already in therapy. There is nothing to stop you from having the life you desire.

One thing I have learned the hard way is to beware the people always painting themselves as a victim. It's a classic manipulative technique. They never take responsibility for their actions, apologise and have no scope for personal growth.

I’m really not surprised she had a hand in the letter. That was my first thought on reading your op.

This letter absolutely is to punish you for being a decent person when they are not. Both of them are very screwed up and it’s not surprising they’ve ended up together. Deep down they are extremely jealous of you for being an individual and not adoring them in the way they believe they should be adored.

Walk away. Talk to your therapist. You are lovely. You are worth it. In time you will understand just how deserving you are of happiness.

The more I read the more I realise that you have really had an escape

she tortured an animal
I think we just leave it there

hes just a pathetic mess

I know you are hurting but really x 10000
rise above

This is disgusting. I would never have spoken to her again after that story.
Choose better friends.

Agree with this.

They are cunts.

You're worth more. Much more.

Block them both, move on and focus on yourself.

I’m so grateful for all the replies, they’re really helping me to work out how to move on from this. Thank you to those who have said I sound lovely because right now I feel worthless so it helps to hear that.

@Gloriously, what you say about healing my core wound really resonated. I’m revisiting a lot of childhood and subsequent trauma in therapy so I’m currently an open sewer of bubbling excrement when it comes to my emotions.

I absolutely recognise my role in this whole mess and even why I became his rescuer as it’s a pattern I have with men. I’m terrified of upsetting them and pander and fawn as a result. I just don’t know how to change that and have made a conscious decision to surround myself with women for the time being.

A sticking point for me is justice and fairness. This was supposed to be my year but instead it’s been one of the most painful of my life. I berate myself a lot for not being over it by now but my therapist tells me it’s natural to feel this level of grief in the circumstances. I was actually doing really well before the letter.

I don’t regret responding though. All my life I have suppressed my own needs and kept my upset and disappointment to myself so it felt good to refuse to do that this time. I don’t really care if they’re laughing at me, I think that says far more about them than me.

@Acornsoup, this is sage advice. He absolutely has a victim complex and is bitter and jealous of anyone who he perceives has things better than him. I suppose it does sting that he couldn’t sort himself out when he had the chance but has resolved a lifetime of issues in just a few months of us being broken up. I know ultimately it was down to him but I know MB will be taking full credit, especially as she told me he needed her because she could help him in a way I couldn’t. This is not a big deal, just an annoyance really.

Whilst I can accept that she’s not who I thought she was (or really is the person I chose to ignore) but I’m finding it really hard to think badly of him. I’ve known him a long time and I really didn’t think he was capable of hurting me. I’m angry and hurt but I don’t seem to be able to ascribe that to him being a horrible person and then the logical conclusion is that there must be something wrong with me. I have glimmers of feeling that I’ve had a lucky escape and they’re poorer for me not being in their lives but most of the time I feel like they’re better off without me which triggers feelings of rejection.

Let’s reframe. Maybe it is your year in that while it might not have looked how you planned, the work you’re being forced to do is going to be so incredibly transformative that it’s going to change your life dramatically for the better.

@StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing It's all smoke and mirrors. Don't believe a word of it. Not that it matters but the letter will be a complete work of fiction and none of his issues have been fixed - I guarantee you. That kind of personal work can not be fixed by a new partner. You are doing the work and you know how difficult it is. It is classic narcissist behaviour to have the next supply lined up. While you yourself will take months to recover and will not seek to immediately replace the supply. Please be kind to yourself. You do sound, like so many do, a lovely person. Also you can have fun while recovering - that is good. Do something special for your birthday,
No permission needed

I came in to say just this. The work you are doing with your therapist, and putting into practice, will not be in vain - although I can appreciate how very hard it is currently for you.

Do please continue with your counselling, talking to trusted friends and family plus post on here. You sound a strong person and I'm sure you'll come out of this mentally stronger than you think you are. 🌹

Let’s reframe. Maybe it is your year in that while it might not have looked how you planned, the work you’re being forced to do is going to be so incredibly transformative that it’s going to change your life dramatically for the better

this is such a lovely sentiment

and OP the ‘work’
im a whole year into therapy and I’m getting it
and !
and life does keep throwing new rocks in the road doesn’t it

I call her mouse boiler because she recounted a ‘funny’ tale to us once about how she’d poured boiling water on a mouse trapped in a bin and described its suffering while laughing

OMG..... words fail me.

Classic sign of a psychopath.

God girl, you've had a lucky escape! I'm so sorry you are hurting but see this, along with the therapy as a road to healing.

I agree with pp about going to some fabulous place for your big anniversary.
I travel a lot on my own, it gets me out of my comfort zone and makes me proud that I can navigate life myself, whatever it throws at me. And you meet some amazing people - because the majority of people in the world are kind and friendly.

Sending hugs.

Oh, and as for your OP title.....

"He pulled me down so he could get up"

Change it to the mantra. "He might have pulled me down but fuck him, I picked myself up again. So I won."

You remained friends after hearing this? This is a really horrible person. I’m not sure why you would expect her to treat you better than a completely helpless creature.

OP, when I got into a happy, healthy relationship, the last thing on earth I would have bothered to do would have been to sit down and write my ex a long letter! Nah, I just wanted to focus on the new and leave the past behind.

This unpleasant human has done this to deliberately cause this effect on you, which says absolutely loads!

If you're living a couple of streets away from ex friend, is a fresh start elsewhere a possibility? It sounds as though you're stuck in a bit of a comparison rut and the only thing you can see is what you think they have compared to what you don't. Sometimes a total change can be what's needed to help you get your perspective back.

There IS life on the other side of this!

I suppose it does sting that he couldn’t sort himself out when he had the chance but has resolved a lifetime of issues in just a few months of us being broken up.

This guy didn’t sort himself out. He’s still an absolute mess. And she will be pouring the boiling water on him, next.