He pulled me down so he could get up

[StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing]

Metaphorically speaking.

When we got together, he was down on his luck and I quickly fell unhappily into the mother role. I finally extricated myself from the relationship at the end of last year and was excited to finally start living life for myself after a string of toxic and abusive relationships. My hope for better things to come was quickly extinguished when he immediately struck up a relationship with my (ex)best friend who also happens to live a few streets away. Although I wouldn’t see it at the time, she was incredibly cruel to me and started distancing herself.

I was devastated but blocked them both and tried my best to move on with my life. I was feeling so much stronger until I received a letter from him, the gist of which is that life is amazing for him now and he’s over me. He thanked me for trying to help him but said that hurting him had made him sort his life out so he forgives me. Ever since, I have sunken back into the depths of grief and can’t find a way out.

I recently found out that he’s having a huge birthday party with (ex)BF’s circle that she always kept me at arms length from. He has a magnetic personality and everyone loves him so I’m not surprised things are going so well for him and he’s yet again found himself the centre of attention. I know I should be happy for him but it feels so unfair that I sacrificed so much to help him get his life on track and I’m repaid by catastrophic damage to mine.

My faith and trust in people has been absolutely destroyed and I don’t want to hang out with my incredibly small remaining support network because I’m such a drag to be around at the moment. My self esteem has been crushed, especially as one of the last things exBF said to me was that she preferred his company and implied I was boring. I have a milestone birthday coming up and I know it’s just going to be a reminder of all I’ve lost. I’ve already had my fair share of trauma yet it keeps on coming and I just want to give up.

How am I ever going to get over it? Right now I can’t imagine ever being happy again.

Come on op
happy people don’t write spite letters to their exes.
you’ve said you don’t always see poor behaviour, and you’re interpreting behaviour and actions incorrectly. Definitely do the freedom programme

You can’t see it now but….You’ve had a lucky escape. Don’t reply or respond in any way to either of them. They want you to, be upset. Responding feeds oxygen to their flame. Put that flame out by pouring cold water on to it.
You are done with it all, Any more letters from him get burned unopened. Ignore her if you see her, or walk away if she corners you again, “I’m not interested in what you have to say”.

They sound well suited to each other, toxic arseholes.

Come on, OP.

Two dickheads are in a relationship and happy together in their twattishness. Who cares?

Neither are worth your time.

Moving on is a choice you can make. Live your life in the light, don't sit weeping in the shadows of these two twats.

I'll translate the true meaning of the letter for you to help you move past the horrible feelings you are experiencing.

Dear Ex, you dumped me because I'm an arsehole and your supposedly best mate has been eyeing me up for ages so I found it easy to get with her and she's a gullible sucker who has fallen for me hook, line and sinker.

Trouble is I'm miffed that you could dump me because you saw me for who I really am, a complete tosser.

Because I know you and how caring and lovely you are, I'm writing you a letter to manipulate you into thinking I'm now leading a wonderful life with out you, even though I'm not and I know you will be upset and hopefully long to be with me again.

Stay miserable, your ex.

.........

You can choose to let him get to you or you can rise above this. He and his woman both sound bloody awful. You are far better than them.

He sounds very damaged. The relationships that are hard to get out of are the ones where someone makes it difficult for you to leave.
the fact he went straight into another relationship suggests to me that he needs to be with someone and your ex-best friend just so happens to be there.
people don’t write letters to people that they are over. He sounds toxic and obsessive and I hope one day you see what a lucky escape you’ve had.

This reads like AI?

They are both the sort of people to pull legs off insects. I bet sending you a letter was a joint project cooked up by two sick and twisted minds.

Don’t let them play their nasty games with you. You have won. Move on and start fresh.

If he's over you, why did he feel the need to write you a letter?

You, to him, are so clearly over him. So, as you were, forget the letter! Live your best life, you're better without him

Its only a matter of time before he does the same to her and she'll be in the same situation, or similar to you.

In time, you'll be glad you got away from him and by then you'll know time is the greatest healer. You just need time to heal and move on.

Did he go no contact before this? It sounds to me like the textbook of how to get your ex back. If you look online they have lots of tips like go no contact, stay in their periphery by seeing people near to them / doing fun things on social media, then eventually send them a letter to say you have closure. Is he trying to fuck with you?

Anyway whatever his motives you need to untangle his life from your feelings of self esteem. Are you able to see a therapist. Focus on yourself and try to stay busy. Your best friend is a dick too. Plan something nice for your birthday, even if it's small. Or do a big long walk like the Santiago thingy in Spain or something on your own.

He sounds nuts and your exBF must have a screw loose as well to do what she's done in the first place!

Well rid OP x

I’ll take that as a compliment since I use AI to help me write work articles and it always does a much better job that I can! Sadly this is really my life. I posted about it at the time under a different name but had to leave the thread because my estranged sister found it and used it as an opportunity to kick me while I was down.

in my experience people who are happy do not go writing letters to their ex’s. The sheer effort, he got a pen and paper and envelope and bought stamps? I find that a faff for birthday/Christmas cards. You’re living rent free in that man’s head.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his crotch and his arms be too short to scratch them.

If you were in a relationship with someone and they wrote a letter to their ex like this, what would you think? Exactly, you would be pissed off and questioning where his head is at, or more important who he’s thinking about. Laugh secretly and move on. Write yourself a plan of things you can do for you, new hobby, health goals etc even if you don’t feel enthusiastic at first, getting out and about will all help.

He didn’t go NC immediately. Initially he tried to cling on under the guise of friendship but fell out with me when he found out I’d slept with an old ex after we broke up. But your reply caught my attention as he actually says in the letter that he was doing it for closure.

I should probably mention that I don’t know for sure they’re in a romantic relationship but even if they’re not, the fact that he isolated me from my best friend was enough of a betrayal for me. I have very few friends and find it hard to make new ones as I’m very introverted. He's bragged before to me that his previous best friend’s (who he lived with) would get upset when his friends took a shine to my ex and would stop handing out with him in favour of my ex.

I’m in therapy at the moment but I’m struggling with accepting the level of pain I’m in and it feels very unfair that I’m having to suffer like this when it seems that everything has worked out well for him.

I'm guessing he's embarrassed by how he was in the relationship, doesn't want you to remember him as pathetic and on some level, wants to "win" the breakup.

This really struck me. I think he is embarrassed about how he was in the relationship, with good reason. It very much feels like she trying to punish me by isolating me from my BF.

I agree that people DO NOT write letters when they are over a situation… He wrote it because he wanted to talk to you and is probably not permitted! Clearly he was very desperate to reach out if he made that kind of effort- I’d be flattered! If my partner was ‘thriving’ with me yet felt the need to write his ex a letter about it I would seriously question what was truly going on in his head/heart.

Be smug in the fact that he’s NOT over it, but then move on! For your milestone birthday - do something amazing for yourself! Go travelling or pampering in a way you’ve never done before. Maybe find a friend who could use the same pick me up to join you!

You will get through the pain OP and it's much less damaging than what you would go through if you tried to salvage something with this awful toxic man. Think about the life you want, how you will spend your time and start making steps towards that

Thank you, this really helps. I have lost a lot of weight thanks to the trauma diet and I’ve been getting attention and date offers but I still feel like I’m unworthy of love and loyalty as things like this keep happening to me.

I did end up replying after much advice not to but I was just honest that I felt they had both betrayed me, causing me unnecessary suffering and asking him never to contact me again. I was glad at the time as I blocked them both without saying why and I needed him to know that I thought what they’d done to me was particularly cruel. I know it will have bothered him as he has a real need to be seen as the good guy.

I can guarantee they will both me miserable. You sound lovely, so stick with your nice friends and get therapy to find out why you have these toxic friends.

I love your interpretation of the letter. It’s probably closer to the truth.

Be miserable*

This is so accurate. He’s very damaged - both of them are. My therapist said that damaged people, damage people and it rings very true. He once told me that he’s only survived so far because other people have taken him in and looked after him. I should have realised that’s what he was doing to me too. The obsessive thing too - I’ve known him since school and he’s always had a thing for me but I never felt the same way until he was there for me during a particularly bad time. Then he wouldn’t let go until he found out I’d slept with someone else. I really hope I can start feeling that this was a lucky escape soon.

Haha, I call her mouse boiler because she recounted a ‘funny’ tale to us once about how she’d poured boiling water on a mouse trapped in a bin and described its suffering while laughing until she realised we were both looking horrified! This is the thing, she’s not his type at all - he loves nature and walking but since they started hanging out, all he does is drink in the pub with her.

They definitely wrote the letter together. Her voice came across strongly and he mentions things he could only have found out from her.

I agree with other people here who've already said that a man who writes letters to their ex is not only nuts but not all that happy. Something tells me the grass isn't as green as he's making out.

Oh well boo-hoo to him. Go be fabulous. Live your life to the fullest and show you're amazingly happy without him. It's the best revenge.