I've been married to DH for 20 years, and we have three dc (all teenagers). Our relationship was up and down for many years, but up until a couple of years ago, even though we would argue sometimes, I always felt that DH loved me.
The last couple of years I feel he has checked out. He has been very depressed, brought on in a large part by work stress, and had a breakdown. He has actually struggled with his mental health throughout our relationship and I have tried to support him as much as I can throughout.
I think that I have my own issues with co dependency, and I've been looking into love addiction, as I think I may have it - I have always been overly focussed on our relationship, I can't feel ok unless I know everything is ok with DH. My dad was emotionally unavailable and didn't show or express love at all, so I know my perspective/ feelings may be skewed.
A couple of years ago things were very bad - DH was often angry, passive aggressive, cold, disengaged. It was awful and to be honest I felt like I just couldn't bear it any longer. I suggested to him that we get a divorce. He took it really badly and was devastated. We made up, but since then things have changed. DH seems quite distant, and doesn't show me any affection. No intimacy or closeness. We are basically like housemates. I asked him today if we could have an honest conversation and told him that I was really struggling with how our relationship was.
He basically said that since I mentored divorce to him, all his ideas about being with me forever came crashing down. He feels that it was humiliating for him. I tried to explain that it was because his behaviour had been so difficult for me that I just couldn't see any other way out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He said he still loves me, but wasn't "in love" with me. I asked him if his feelings would ever change and if he would ever want to be intimate again but he said he didn't know, but didn't seem very postive.
I asked him if we met each other now if he would choose me as a partner and he said probably not. He thinks that our plans and goals for after the children leave home are quite different and he wants to live the life he wants and doesn't know if I'll be happy with that.
(By the way, he didn't volunteer all this information, I had to ask him specific questions).
I felt relieved that we'd finally had an honest conversation and I like everything to be out in the open, but I feel really confused. I've felt terrible thinking I have messed everything up by asking for a divorce, but then again I know I only did it as the situation and his behaviour at the time was unbearable. He wants to stay together at least for the next few years until the dc leave home and then see what happens.
I don't know if the love will ever come back from him. I think he has shut off. He keeps saying that we just need to take things slowly, but I'm the type of person who wants to know now. If I knew that he was never going to be able to forgive me and that he thinks we're too different, I'd rather know now, and maybe we could split up sooner rather than later. I don't want to, as I love him, and would be devastated for the children, but I feel so confused and heartbroken living in what essentially feels like a loveless marriage.
He did give me a couple of hugs today after our conversation which he hasn't done for ages, but I don't know if they were just friendly hugs.
I'm so confused and sad - if anyone has any thoughts on the situation, I'd be very grateful!