DH can't forgive me asking for a divorce

[Appleroses]

I've been married to DH for 20 years, and we have three dc (all teenagers). Our relationship was up and down for many years, but up until a couple of years ago, even though we would argue sometimes, I always felt that DH loved me.

The last couple of years I feel he has checked out. He has been very depressed, brought on in a large part by work stress, and had a breakdown. He has actually struggled with his mental health throughout our relationship and I have tried to support him as much as I can throughout.

I think that I have my own issues with co dependency, and I've been looking into love addiction, as I think I may have it - I have always been overly focussed on our relationship, I can't feel ok unless I know everything is ok with DH. My dad was emotionally unavailable and didn't show or express love at all, so I know my perspective/ feelings may be skewed.

A couple of years ago things were very bad - DH was often angry, passive aggressive, cold, disengaged. It was awful and to be honest I felt like I just couldn't bear it any longer. I suggested to him that we get a divorce. He took it really badly and was devastated. We made up, but since then things have changed. DH seems quite distant, and doesn't show me any affection. No intimacy or closeness. We are basically like housemates. I asked him today if we could have an honest conversation and told him that I was really struggling with how our relationship was.

He basically said that since I mentored divorce to him, all his ideas about being with me forever came crashing down. He feels that it was humiliating for him. I tried to explain that it was because his behaviour had been so difficult for me that I just couldn't see any other way out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He said he still loves me, but wasn't "in love" with me. I asked him if his feelings would ever change and if he would ever want to be intimate again but he said he didn't know, but didn't seem very postive.

I asked him if we met each other now if he would choose me as a partner and he said probably not. He thinks that our plans and goals for after the children leave home are quite different and he wants to live the life he wants and doesn't know if I'll be happy with that.

(By the way, he didn't volunteer all this information, I had to ask him specific questions).

I felt relieved that we'd finally had an honest conversation and I like everything to be out in the open, but I feel really confused. I've felt terrible thinking I have messed everything up by asking for a divorce, but then again I know I only did it as the situation and his behaviour at the time was unbearable. He wants to stay together at least for the next few years until the dc leave home and then see what happens.

I don't know if the love will ever come back from him. I think he has shut off. He keeps saying that we just need to take things slowly, but I'm the type of person who wants to know now. If I knew that he was never going to be able to forgive me and that he thinks we're too different, I'd rather know now, and maybe we could split up sooner rather than later. I don't want to, as I love him, and would be devastated for the children, but I feel so confused and heartbroken living in what essentially feels like a loveless marriage.

He did give me a couple of hugs today after our conversation which he hasn't done for ages, but I don't know if they were just friendly hugs.

I'm so confused and sad - if anyone has any thoughts on the situation, I'd be very grateful!

You don't need his forgiveness, but you shouldn't ask for what you don't want. That's being manipulative.

So what do you want? That is for you alone to figure out.

I asked him if we met each other now if he would choose me as a partner and he said probably not.

.....so why is it ok for him to be blunt with you, but he holds you asking for a divorce against you for years, for what were, at the time, very understandble reasons?

As a PP says, he using this as a stick to beat you with as revenge for daring to challenge him.

He doesn't have anything to offer you.

He wants you to stick around for a few years because thst way he gets to feel he has regained some control over the situation.

He doesn't like it when it feels to him that you have taken the wheel in your own life, or effectively deided something for him (i.e. that he will be divorced). He sees nothing amiss in deciding you will no longer experience any affection or clarity or sex, though.

Basically, he wants to call the shots here, and doesn't like it one bit when you do.

Victim syndrome. Nothing quite as annoying and unattractive.

This

YES!!

Basically he wants you around for the next few years so you can deal with the kids, look after the house, and he doesn’t have to deal with things like contact schedules, maintenance and school stuff.

No way. It sounds like you were right the first time and should have divorced. Why wait now? Why waste any more time when you could just draw a line under it now and get on with starting a new life?

I'd definitely ask for a divorce again. This marriage isn't going anywhere.

Relationships take work, but it shouldn't be one person doing all that work. You're not a therapy dog.

The first reply was bang on.
He's using the divorce conversation as a stick to beat you with.
I always marvel at the way people treat the ones they're supposed to love.
What's he hanging on for?
The DC to leave home so he doesn't have to pay CMS?
Doesn't want to foul his comfortable set up?
He has the upper hand in your relationship, there's no need for him to make any rash decisions, he's got a comfortable life with a wife who's flapping around trying to make him happy / love her again.
What happens when the DC are gone and there's only the two of you left?
Do you put your life on hold waiting for him to make a decision?
Your H is a cruel man, take back control or this is going to be your life forever, he's not going to change

I opened your post fully expecting to read that you’d done something incredibly hurtful to your DH, lied about something big, or slept with someone else. Instead, I find that he can’t forgive you for telling him how you feel? If his behaviour was so bad you felt divorce was preferable, what did he expect you to do? Say nothing?? Relationships simply don’t work like that. Would he attend therapy with you? Does he see anyone about his own mental health? I think this is in play here and you could both do with some professional help to see if you can navigate this.

The first reaction on MN is to LTB as if it was as simple as that. Even if it is what you want , it is not that easy . I think this is one situation where counselling could really help. Might lead to better ways to communicate and to your DH addressing his own mental health.

First para, bang on

The is good advice. You're getting bogged down by his feelings and his issues but you have your own to address.

I have insecure attachment style and totally empathise with you when you say you can't be ok unless you know your relationship is ok. I'd love to resolve it but it takes a lot of work.

I think if you were able to address it, you'd see your relationship with DH in a whole new light and be able to make decisions more rationally. At the moment you're dependent on him for your mental wellbeing.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for a divorce now OP. He sounds awful and you, and your kids, deserve a better life.

At least you know there's no other woman, cause he'd be out like a lightning bolt. Instead he sticks around like a bad smell, brooding and unavailable, sucking joy out of your life. You are not addicted to love, there's no such thing. You are scared of being on your own, but you already are. Take control back and divorce that lizard

I would like to take a bet that at least one in 4 married mumsnetters or their partners have mentioned the d word at some point after a big row!

Problem is you feel too much . I was a bit of a co dependent person- then I found out my H had been somewhat disloyal at one point (think emotional affair) - at that point I realised I was far too invested in the relationship and not enough invested in other things. I totally changed my mindset.

Thank you all - it's been helpful to read all the posts.

@theresastormcoming "Take back control of your life". That's really helpful to hear. I feel that for most of the relationship I've been preoccupied with how it's going, how my DH is, whether or not things are going well. I've obviously focussed a lot on the dc but I haven't focussed on my career or my interests - it's like there hasn't been the head space. What I've realised is that I used to spend a lot of time paying DH attention, getting involved with his interests and hobbies, taking the initiative to spend time with him - but it wasn't really reciprocated. Now I'm not doing that, as I realised it was one way, and this is probably partly why he doesn't love me any more. But the energy I used to put into that, I seem to now be mainly putting into agonising over the relationship. I realise from a lot of the posts that I need to focus on my life, my interests, get stronger emotionally and then maybe I will have more clarity over the situation.

We have had marriage counselling but it didn't seem to make much difference. I just feel that the relationship, and communicating with each other isn't as important to him as it is to me. As some PPs have said, he's comfortable living in the family home - I do the majority (if not all) of the day to day organising, housework, dc stuff, as well as working. It's strange as I used to get upset that he did very little domestically. Now I almost don't care any more. He does barely anything, he's said he doesn't love me and wouldn't choose me as a partner now. It sounds so unbelievable that I still love him and feel attached to him. I think I feel confused as we have fairly pleasant (if superficial) conversations, and yesterday he brought me a small bunch of flowers back from the supermarket. It all just feels confusing. I've started individual therapy for myself, so I'm hoping that will help me decide what I want to do. It's like I'm waiting for him to love me, and looking for signs, rather than questioning is he compatible with what I want.

Re the future, he's said that he wants to live in a small house by the sea, and live a very quiet life with a dog. He knows that I like to live in a reasonably clean and tidy house, and sometimes have people over for meals etc, and to be honest, he doesn't want to put in the work to do any of that. I asked him if he wanted another relationship with anyone else and he said maybe, but he felt that most people would be difficult to live with and used the phrase "once bitten, twice shy". I get the feeling that he finds navigating someone else's needs and emotions very difficult.

@TeenagersAngst @DesparatePragmatist what you both wrote definitely resonates with me. I do have people pleasing tendencies, and an insecure/ anxious attachment style. I really don't think I have navigated any relationship on my terms - I find it hard to work out the balance between being assertive or asking for too much - I tend to back down very quickly if DH doesn't like my requests or needs.

Yes I have definitely been bogged down by DH's feelings and issues but need to address my own to clarify things. I would love to be able to look at this situation rationally rather than constantly feeling my heart is breaking about it all.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that I really don't think DH is a horrible person - he genuinely seems a bit naive sometimes, but quite self absorbed. I honestly don't think he's being purposely cruel or anything, more that he finds life difficult and is just trying to navigate it in his own way. It's like he can't see how his behaviour affects other people and is bewildered or angry if it's mentioned. So I feel sorry for him, but regardless of all that, I still need to work out whether or not this is the right situation for me to be in.

I totally agree

He thinks that our plans and goals for after the children leave home are quite different and he wants to live the life he wants and doesn't know if I'll be happy with that.

This contradicts his accusation that you mentioning divorce shattered some ideal of you two being together forever.

Your specific questions have drawn out that he wants his own life, to do what he wants when he wants, but he's too cowardly or comfortable or whatever it is to be the one to ask for a divorce. Then when you did, he felt rejected and humiliated, very much like the 'he didn't dump me, I dumped him' trope.

@Appleroses
The truth is that you both feel what you feel. Act upon what you feel. Neither of you can possibly know how you will feel in the future, so expecting him to tell you how he will feel is unrealistic.

I suspect he may have lost trust rather than love for you. If you need certainty, this is not the relationship for you.

It doesn't actually matter if he's being a dick on purpose, or because he's clueless. What's happened is that you were unhappy, when you dared to mention this and suggest an alternative, he convinced you not to and has ALSO made the fact that you dared to suggest it a stick to beat you with.

Meanwhile, he has a lovely cushy life. He gets to do what he likes, live in a nice clean home with children he can see when he wants to with no effort. I don't know how finances are split but I wouldn't be surprised if life would be a lot less nice for him if you were not together.

You should absolutely take back control. And, to be blunt, have some self respect. Why would you continue to cook, clean and beg for attention from a man who says all these cruel things to you and is clearly just using you so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for all the things he thinks are boring or beneath him?

Can I ask, it reads like you mentioned divorce when you really didn’t wish divorce. If that’s correct there were better ways to handle it, you went for scorched earth and you didn’t get the reaction you wished.

think about what you want. Don’t try to manipulate or beg. Just work out what you want and if it’s feasible ie him committing and the intimacy back. That’s clearly not feasible so then crack on and separate. He doesn’t need to forgive you for it.