DH can't forgive me asking for a divorce

[Appleroses]

I've been married to DH for 20 years, and we have three dc (all teenagers). Our relationship was up and down for many years, but up until a couple of years ago, even though we would argue sometimes, I always felt that DH loved me.

The last couple of years I feel he has checked out. He has been very depressed, brought on in a large part by work stress, and had a breakdown. He has actually struggled with his mental health throughout our relationship and I have tried to support him as much as I can throughout.

I think that I have my own issues with co dependency, and I've been looking into love addiction, as I think I may have it - I have always been overly focussed on our relationship, I can't feel ok unless I know everything is ok with DH. My dad was emotionally unavailable and didn't show or express love at all, so I know my perspective/ feelings may be skewed.

A couple of years ago things were very bad - DH was often angry, passive aggressive, cold, disengaged. It was awful and to be honest I felt like I just couldn't bear it any longer. I suggested to him that we get a divorce. He took it really badly and was devastated. We made up, but since then things have changed. DH seems quite distant, and doesn't show me any affection. No intimacy or closeness. We are basically like housemates. I asked him today if we could have an honest conversation and told him that I was really struggling with how our relationship was.

He basically said that since I mentored divorce to him, all his ideas about being with me forever came crashing down. He feels that it was humiliating for him. I tried to explain that it was because his behaviour had been so difficult for me that I just couldn't see any other way out, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He said he still loves me, but wasn't "in love" with me. I asked him if his feelings would ever change and if he would ever want to be intimate again but he said he didn't know, but didn't seem very postive.

I asked him if we met each other now if he would choose me as a partner and he said probably not. He thinks that our plans and goals for after the children leave home are quite different and he wants to live the life he wants and doesn't know if I'll be happy with that.

(By the way, he didn't volunteer all this information, I had to ask him specific questions).

I felt relieved that we'd finally had an honest conversation and I like everything to be out in the open, but I feel really confused. I've felt terrible thinking I have messed everything up by asking for a divorce, but then again I know I only did it as the situation and his behaviour at the time was unbearable. He wants to stay together at least for the next few years until the dc leave home and then see what happens.

I don't know if the love will ever come back from him. I think he has shut off. He keeps saying that we just need to take things slowly, but I'm the type of person who wants to know now. If I knew that he was never going to be able to forgive me and that he thinks we're too different, I'd rather know now, and maybe we could split up sooner rather than later. I don't want to, as I love him, and would be devastated for the children, but I feel so confused and heartbroken living in what essentially feels like a loveless marriage.

He did give me a couple of hugs today after our conversation which he hasn't done for ages, but I don't know if they were just friendly hugs.

I'm so confused and sad - if anyone has any thoughts on the situation, I'd be very grateful!

It's difficult though - surely someone would have an inkling if they were just hurt, but still loved the other person and wanted to make it work? But that's not the impression I'm getting from him.

Re him losing trust - I can understand that it might be that. But I'm not sure what he expected me to do, it's like he expected to be able to project all his stress/ anger/ mental health problems into the relationship, and when I was at breaking point and said I couldn't take it any more and said we should split up, he's lost trust.

I'm not disagreeing with you, in fact I think this is probably how he is thinking - I just can't understand it.

"The truth is that you both feel what you feel."
That's just it, and the sad thing is, maybe sometimes two people just aren't compatible.

@Appleroses

I think you need to discreetly plan, both emotionally and financially, for the sort of future YOU want and would be comfortable with, and let him plan for the little house in the coast and dog that he wants, on his own. Life is too precious to waste it trying to steer through the fog that he's created, with "no intimacy, no closeness" and his response to you "once bitten twice shy" must have really hurt.

Don't let too many years pass before you take the next step which is going to be happier without you having to plan everything around what he may or may not want or you'll end up with more of what you've currently got. I'm glad you've undertaken therapy to help clarify your feelings and possible actions. Yes, definitely take up the reins for the direction you want to go in, however gently you do it - just ensure you're not too old to enjoy that phase of your life. 🌹

You unconsciously married your DF.

Your DH has been emotionally unavailable and not meeting your needs throughout whilst you have tap danced around to keep him happy. You express a concern and his fragile angry ego implodes and he punishes you for years passive aggressively by withdrawing any emotion and wounding you with insults. He has you exactly where he wants you.

Take yourself out of punching distance.

Build your self esteem - no one needs to live this relentless and desolate emotional life.

You deserve a reciprocal radiant relationship that is easy and where you are cherished.

That's a good point. I think at that time, I did want divorce. And I had been thinking of it for a while as things felt unbearable and I couldn't see another way out. He had been to individual counselling, he was (and still is) on anti depressants, I'd spoken to friends and family and anyone else who I thought could help, and things were still extremely difficult - in fact, I would say unbearable. DH's mental health had impacted our relationship for years.

If I'd thought there was a way through eg that his mental health would improve, he wouldn't keep being passive aggressive, angry and cold towards me and the dc, and would be more kind and close - then yes, I wouldn't have wanted a divorce, but I didn't think any of that was possible. As it turns out, since I mentioned divorce, he left his job which I now realise was a major cause of the stress. So he is now less stressed, angry, passive aggressive etc, but obviously our relationship is still not ok.

I'm sure I could have handled things better, I regret how I handled everything, as clearly it affected DH deeply but I just didn't have the resources to cope. And as I say I know I have issues with anxious attachment and co dependency, which I am working on.

He treated you like crap. You suggested divorce. He continues to treat you like crap with the extra divorce stuck to beat you with. It doesn't matter what you do it won't change him - i think the hope that he will change is keeping you stuck. He's said that he wants a quiet life with a dog. I'd let him have that. He is an adult - he is responsible for his feelings and behaviour, you are responsible for yours. I'd look at what you want, prioritise you and the children and step back from mothering him.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. It's neither here nor there what he felt when you mentioned divorce before, etc etc. IMO he's using it as another thing to excuse his behaviour, sullenness etc. Honestly, what are you gaining from staying in this relationship which seems to the rest of us dead I'm the water. It feels like you're holding onto an ideal which just isn't ever going to become reality.

@Appleroses it seems that you are in denial about his objectively selfish and emotionally abusive behaviour towards you and your DC for years.

His MH may explain this but will never excuse it.

I suggest he is selective as to who and how he discharges his sulks, anger, abuse, emotional withdrawal. Guess he reserves this behaviour especially for you and your DCs behind closed doors - but somehow can CHOOSE to contain his “uncontrollable MH demons” with people he interacts with outside of your home.

Woman: I can't live like this, I'm so unhappy.
Man: I'm fine. I don't want to change.
Woman; I'm really unhappy. I can't go on like this.
Man: sticks fingers in ears lalalalalalala!
Woman: If you won't change anything I'm ending it.
Man: Nooooooo! I'll do better.
[Later, when Man has not changed or improved]
Man: It's your fault for saying you wanted to leave me.

So not his fault in any way for being hard to live with or refusing to improve. That makes it a stick to beat you with, an excuse.

There’s no point to him. He does nothing in the house, nothing for the kids, makes everyone miserable and has you dancing like a puppet, desperate to please him. Are you loved, honoured and cherished by this sad sack?
Focus on your life, your future. No one needs to ‘ask’ for divorce, you can start the process whenever you want.

I had all the bad treatment that you had OP...and more. I had to leave. It is emotional abuse. His issues arent yours

It's sounds very tough but you must never really mention divorce in marriage unless you really want it, and never as a way of having a deeper conversation about the state of a marriage.

I think you should plan your future and take your husband seriously; sounds like it is over.

I think @Littlegoth has it right. You will be useful until the dc have left home.
He has a 'get out of jail free' card that he will bring up everytime he is held accountable.
You are either in the marriage together or not. He doesn't get to cherry pick.
I would advise having a lawyer look at your options so you know your rights. You don't have to act on the knowledge. Get informed. Consider your choices.

Don't live half a life, unsure, uncertain, confused and upset.
If anybody treated your dc like that, what would you advise them?

I agree with this post. It's like he feels he has absolutely no agency in this relationship to make it better, or make it what it should be - but the reality is because he's totally happy with it. It's fine for him pouring all his shit out at you, and you picking up all the bits he doesn't want to. You were at the end of your tether and told him so, and his response is to essentially tell you that because you've admitted you're unhappy, it's made him less invested in the relationship?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He's done a real number on you @Appleroses. Normally what happens is there's at least a period of the surprised party making huge efforts to improve before they lapse back into old habits. You told him you wanted a divorce, and he managed to make you feel like this was unbelievably cruel of you, that he'd never done anything wrong and you'd devastated his world view. Never mind the fact that when you were dating, engaged, newly married, I don't think you expected to be living a life with a man who in your own words "was often angry, passive aggressive, cold, disengaged. It was awful".

Some good advice from PP here OP.

Let him go.

He’s said he’s not in love with you. Wouldn’t pick you. Implied you were a bad choice (once bitten etc). Said he wants a different life once your children leave. Mean, spiteful and controlling comments. Maybe designed to hurt and keep you in your place waiting for him to change his mind. Or maybe it’s the truth.

But WTAF?? Who cares? I mean, that’s enough surely for you to end it? What would he need to say for you to get some pride and self-respect and say, ‘OK well I have my answers, it’s time for us to go our separate ways’ ? He could fuck off with his flowers and hugs also.

Good luck OP. Go and get a life surrounded by people who love you and actively choose your company. 💐

Seems to be your H has lost any enthusiasm for life generally- including you and wants to turn in on himself and just live a very quiet life

I would as I said before start putting you first 100% and leave him to it.

It was probably a massive shock to him when you mentioned the 'D' word. That takes some getting over.

In the immortal words of Lizzo:
If he don't love you any more
Then walk your fine ass out that door

Bollocks to this. You sat him down and had a tough conversation about how unhappy you were. And now you are being punished for it.

It doesn't sound like he's punishing her. He's probably having a hard time processing it.

@michoconnell your bar is so low it's practically underground. He was passive aggressive, angry, checked out. She was miserable. She said they should divorce. He begged her not to but in the years since has continued to treat her badly, refuse any kind of intimacy, tell her he doesn't love her etc. But HE must be accommodated as having divorce suggested is hard for him?

Bah.

I just read it as a person (him) having MH issues @NotLactoseFree but only the OP can decide on that one.

I am absolutely sure that he does have MH issues. It' snot an excuse for treating her badly or punishing her when she expresses that she is unhappy.

I agree @NotLactoseFree that it isn't an excuse. The trouble is that when a person has MH issues, they don't think that logically. OP describes him as self-absorbed, I think? That is a classic sign that someone is struggling, when they shut down to preserve the one thing they feel they can attempt to control - their own self. They simply don't always have room to consider others. It sounds harsh but it's true. I have been on the receiving end (not with a partner, a relative).

A massive shock to someone who was being cold, angry, passive aggressive and generally horrible to his wife

Yeah really shocking 🙄

*DH was often angry, passive aggressive, cold, disengaged. It was awful and to be honest I felt like I just couldn't bear it any longer.

DH seems quite distant, and doesn't show me any affection. No intimacy or closeness.

He does barely anything, he's said he doesn't love me and wouldn't choose me as a partner now.

It's like he can't see how his behaviour affects other people and is bewildered or angry if it's mentioned

he expected to be able to project all his stress/ anger/ mental health problems into the relationship, and when I was at breaking point and said I couldn't take it any more and said we should split up, he's lost trust.

keep being passive aggressive, angry and cold towards me and the dc, and would be more kind and close - then yes, I wouldn't have wanted a divorce, but I didn't think any of that was possible.*

All of the above are emotionally abusive selfish behaviours. The guy has checked out of family life and the relationship. It has nothing to do with his MH and that is never an excuse to treat children and spouse like this.