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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating, cocaine, sex workers

72 replies

Dillydots · 04/11/2023 23:08

Hello,

I need advice please.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children age 8-12. I’ve gladly been a stay at home mum/wife whilst he’s climbed the career ladder, saved on childcare as no family support and also I couldn’t have relied on him with his cocaine habit. I have been to uni but decided to focus on my family. He took cocaine when I met him but he only let this slip a few months in and he knew I hated all that stuff. Anyway fast forward all the years and he never gave it up, it has caused no end of misery, financially, emotionally and led to so many arguments, the amount of stories I could tell related to it is unbelievable. I’d say he’s got better over the years but still can’t seem to go longer than 2 weeks without it. He’s crossed so many boundaries with it and it truly disgusts me. The come downs are another thing.

Over the years he’s changed, gets angry, calls me names if I challenge him in anyway, he’s had one drunken violent outburst where he smashed a door but that’s not all. A few years ago I found out he was having an affair (after this I also found out he’d cheated before numerous times but I was oblivious- silly old me raising his 3 kids at home) with someone he employs, 10 years younger and I immediately kicked him out and he went to live with her, apparently he told her “he’d finally left me” anyway short story, he realised the grass wasn’t greener, ended it with her, got his own place and eventually worked his way back to me. I said yes because the kids were so upset by it all and I wanted to give him one last chance for them, as he promised he had changed….

However the cocaine use continued once a week probably and this has been extremely testing as I’m constantly pissed off at him. The cheating part seem to have stopped up until last week, I found out whilst me and the children had been away for half term that he’d had a sex worker in the family home, and from the messsges it doesn’t look like it’s the first time. Cocaine related too. I waited a whole day before I confronted him as I just felt numb, his first reaction was “well why have you been looking through my phone, you’re asking for trouble”. I know I can’t legally kick him out so he’s here for now, actually behaving himself for a change. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve kept myself looking really good, body looks pretty much the same as pre kids (size 6) and I try really hard to be a good wife. I’ve never really gone out as I’ve never trusted him with the kids but I have enjoyed been a mum/housewife.

Not sure what advice I’m looking for but never wanted to be in this position, I’m dreading telling the kids we’re getting a divorce. I really hope they’ll be ok.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 04/11/2023 23:11

To me the real betrayal seems to be all the infidelity. You can understand someone needing an addiction as a crutch but the adultery he’s committed is really something else.

If it helps; as the child of an unhappy marriage, a quick end will be better for your DCs than years of conflict and dishonesty.

Hibye23289 · 04/11/2023 23:14

He's disgusting!! The kids will be fine, I have split from dh and have kids similar age I just haven't dragged them into it so they are ok. My ex was terrible with money, what hurts is the good side to him and having to leave a marriage you have no choice over and don't want to do. You deserve better, he is off his head getting sex workers round your house where your kids live it is so sleazy and also the previous affair. What a lovely life he has had whilst you sit at home with your wifey apron on raising the kids whilst he does what he wants. You only live once please go.

Elfie23 · 04/11/2023 23:17

Read that back and imagine it was a friend of yours telling the story. What would you say to them?

To my friends I would say you've given this guy 14 years of your life, 3 children and he still can't grow up and be an adult. If he wants to spend his life shoving coke up his nose, sleeping with god knows what and putting your health at risk, clearly not giving a shit about his children or wife then leave him to it.
You can't say you haven't tried but time to stop letting him treating you like crap.
Kick him out and change the locks - do you want to set the example to your children that it's ok for a man to cheat on his wife, take drugs and sleep about? Or do you teach them that behaviour is unacceptable and walk away?

Jk987 · 04/11/2023 23:25

I didn't read your post. The title said it all. I think you can do better.

LancelotLink · 04/11/2023 23:25

He's a drug addict who fucks hookers in your bed.

Divorce him and move on with your life before anything even worse happens.

MainlyOnThePlain · 04/11/2023 23:35

Your dress size has absolutely nothing to do with this.

MainlyOnThePlain · 04/11/2023 23:36

Sorry, by which I mean: NOTHING you have or haven't done has affected his shitty decision-making. This is all on him, and you deserve better.

hopefulsandwich · 05/11/2023 00:12

I think you’ve already made your decision. He sounds really quite disturbed and in need of a lot of help but it’s gone on too long now for you to stand by him. He could have got help 14 years ago but didn’t.

Dotcheck · 05/11/2023 00:17

Retrain/ top up your skills, and leave him.

what an awful example for your children

Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 01:37

True, my dress size has nothing to do with it. I’m not sure why I put that, you have to understand my self confidence is on the floor. I Think I’m trying to justify I still look good and haven’t “let myself go” but correct, it actually has nothing to do with what he’s doing. An excuse in my head I’m looking for as to why he does it. I hear many of stories from men saying they did it because wife/girlfriend gained weight etc.

OP posts:
TheresaOfAvila · 05/11/2023 01:45

If it’s a help to your resolve I know two similar men, one not very well, both also got their teenage kids into drugs too. As in, gave their 14 year olds as a thing to try out together.

Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 01:51

Dillydots · 04/11/2023 23:08

Hello,

I need advice please.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children age 8-12. I’ve gladly been a stay at home mum/wife whilst he’s climbed the career ladder, saved on childcare as no family support and also I couldn’t have relied on him with his cocaine habit. I have been to uni but decided to focus on my family. He took cocaine when I met him but he only let this slip a few months in and he knew I hated all that stuff. Anyway fast forward all the years and he never gave it up, it has caused no end of misery, financially, emotionally and led to so many arguments, the amount of stories I could tell related to it is unbelievable. I’d say he’s got better over the years but still can’t seem to go longer than 2 weeks without it. He’s crossed so many boundaries with it and it truly disgusts me. The come downs are another thing.

Over the years he’s changed, gets angry, calls me names if I challenge him in anyway, he’s had one drunken violent outburst where he smashed a door but that’s not all. A few years ago I found out he was having an affair (after this I also found out he’d cheated before numerous times but I was oblivious- silly old me raising his 3 kids at home) with someone he employs, 10 years younger and I immediately kicked him out and he went to live with her, apparently he told her “he’d finally left me” anyway short story, he realised the grass wasn’t greener, ended it with her, got his own place and eventually worked his way back to me. I said yes because the kids were so upset by it all and I wanted to give him one last chance for them, as he promised he had changed….

However the cocaine use continued once a week probably and this has been extremely testing as I’m constantly pissed off at him. The cheating part seem to have stopped up until last week, I found out whilst me and the children had been away for half term that he’d had a sex worker in the family home, and from the messsges it doesn’t look like it’s the first time. Cocaine related too. I waited a whole day before I confronted him as I just felt numb, his first reaction was “well why have you been looking through my phone, you’re asking for trouble”. I know I can’t legally kick him out so he’s here for now, actually behaving himself for a change. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve kept myself looking really good, body looks pretty much the same as pre kids (size 6) and I try really hard to be a good wife. I’ve never really gone out as I’ve never trusted him with the kids but I have enjoyed been a mum/housewife.

Not sure what advice I’m looking for but never wanted to be in this position, I’m dreading telling the kids we’re getting a divorce. I really hope they’ll be ok.

To add:

he is very charming and most people think he’s great but certain friends can see through him. Even his own family think he’s a mess and needs help, they have always been very supportive of me. We also have a mortgage. He has been to thearpy on and off through the years which I’ve re searched and made him go to but it doesn’t last. I’ve tried everything to help him. I’m also the one that deals with all the finances as he is terrible with things like that. He had alot of debt when I met him but I managed to consolidate it all for him, pay it off monthly and even get a lot of his PPI interest back until he cleared it. He went from a daily coke head to a weekly one. I should have run for the hills but I was at uni at the time and saw people using drugs so thought it was no big issue. He also stared hiding it from me when he knew I didn’t like it, the whole process took a couple of years for me to figure out.
He works very hard and always has but has also had plenty of “come down” days which I’m sure I’ve probably been blamed for. Also lots of things also haven’t worked out and situations gone tits up at work and I’m sure it’s all coke related. I think he likes to look successful to others, hence the reason he has always put work first. If he actually used the money he’s used for coke over the years, it makes me sick what we could actually have.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 05/11/2023 01:53

He brought a woman and slept with her in the
family home . That is unforgivable
You really need to get an STD test

hopefulsandwich · 05/11/2023 01:57

You’ve had the patience of a saint but it sounds like he doesn’t want to be helped. If it wasn’t for the kids you’d have left years ago. Your children deserve to see you happy. You deserve to be happy.

WandaWonder · 05/11/2023 02:05

Your children deserve better than this

Froooty · 05/11/2023 02:14

The first thing you need to do is stop looking for reasons he's doing it to you. I know you are, because you defended yourself by saying you're in shape and look good and try your best at being a good wife. Just stop. He's doing all this because he's a dick and it has nothing to do with anything you do or don't do. I'm angry on your behalf because I can see you aren't angry enough (you're sad and upset and devastated and at a loss, all understandable, but I wish you were also furious enough to put 100% of the blame on him, and zero on yourself, and I hope that one day you get to that point).

What you should have done is have zero tolerance for the drugs as soon as you found out. Think about that for a minute - you found out he's on drugs but you stayed, with your kids, and kept having more kids with a drug addict! This is absolutely batshit insane. I am not blaming you, absolutely not, don't take it that way, just imagine what other people would think about that information all put together. What it tells us is that this absolute prick is so manipulative and fucked up in the head, and has treated you like such utter shite, that he has changed the way you think so much that you somehow still thought you should stay. What an absolute piece of trash this man is, to reduce your self esteem to the floor so badly that you somehow thought your sad kids meant it's better to invite a drug addict back into the home. But the past is done, we can't go back, and the second best time to leave him is now.

Please be very, very careful and do your planning in secret. The time when a woman is planning to leave is the most dangerous time in her life and he has "warned" you by saying you're asking for trouble. He has had violent outbursts and he uses a drug linked to more furious outbursts. One shitty mood as he finds out you're strong enough to go, and he could get seriously coked up and injure you. Your local area probably has an anonymous Facebook group such as "Spotted in Smithville" or "Ask Smithville" or similar; find it, check 100% that all of its posts are anonymous, then message it, say you've got a seven and thirteen year old and want to leave a violent man but you need money advice and housing advice; and kind strangers will direct you to local support where you can get guidance on what to do next.

Chromium24 · 05/11/2023 03:00

holy trinity

Howbizarre22 · 05/11/2023 03:38

I’m just gonna blunt, sorry. If you don’t leave this sleazy nasty bastard immediately you are actively harming your children and yourself.

Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 09:28

@Froooty thankyou, you are so right. He has said the right thing for years and of course we have good times and he shows me he can be decent but equally he’s so unpredictable. Ah dear, I should probably see a therapist myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 09:31

@Howbizarre22 thankyou. I think I am starting to see that but from the outside looking in people would be clueless as he gets up and goes to work everyday. At the moment since I found out he’s been coming home normal and not attempting to go out which is even more of a mind fuck as he’s being normal. I’m guessing to show me he can, but he won’t as soon as he thinks everything is ok again. At the moment I think he knows I’m done as I haven’t spoken to him, so he’s probably thinking what the hell is she thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 09:32

@WandaWonder thanks. Yes I need to see this. The children adore him and are clueless.

OP posts:
millymoo1202 · 05/11/2023 09:32

You need to leave and have some self respect, sorry to be so blunt. He does not care as he’s shown that, he is prioritising himself and his habit not his children and not you. Yes it will be hard but can you imagine staying in this marriage?

MarzipanKnees · 05/11/2023 09:32

Is he actually decent at times, or is he just not being an utter arsehole and it looks decent in comparison?

you’re going to be ok. I promise. So are your kids. Maybe not at first, but with time. You all deserve so much better than this cruel and selfish excuse for a husband.

Original poster
Dillydots · 05/11/2023 09:33

Thanks. Well at the moment they are clueless of what he gets up to. I have a degree and A levels but I am looking at re training in something I’m interested in.

OP posts:
BrassOlive · 05/11/2023 09:34

Erm yes you can legally kick him out - if he's bringing drugs and sex workers into your home that is a risk to your children. Kick him out and call your local Children's Services for advice on how to apply for an occupation order.