Cheating, cocaine, sex workers

[Dillydots]

Hello,

I need advice please.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children age 8-12. I’ve gladly been a stay at home mum/wife whilst he’s climbed the career ladder, saved on childcare as no family support and also I couldn’t have relied on him with his cocaine habit. I have been to uni but decided to focus on my family. He took cocaine when I met him but he only let this slip a few months in and he knew I hated all that stuff. Anyway fast forward all the years and he never gave it up, it has caused no end of misery, financially, emotionally and led to so many arguments, the amount of stories I could tell related to it is unbelievable. I’d say he’s got better over the years but still can’t seem to go longer than 2 weeks without it. He’s crossed so many boundaries with it and it truly disgusts me. The come downs are another thing.

Over the years he’s changed, gets angry, calls me names if I challenge him in anyway, he’s had one drunken violent outburst where he smashed a door but that’s not all. A few years ago I found out he was having an affair (after this I also found out he’d cheated before numerous times but I was oblivious- silly old me raising his 3 kids at home) with someone he employs, 10 years younger and I immediately kicked him out and he went to live with her, apparently he told her “he’d finally left me” anyway short story, he realised the grass wasn’t greener, ended it with her, got his own place and eventually worked his way back to me. I said yes because the kids were so upset by it all and I wanted to give him one last chance for them, as he promised he had changed….

However the cocaine use continued once a week probably and this has been extremely testing as I’m constantly pissed off at him. The cheating part seem to have stopped up until last week, I found out whilst me and the children had been away for half term that he’d had a sex worker in the family home, and from the messsges it doesn’t look like it’s the first time. Cocaine related too. I waited a whole day before I confronted him as I just felt numb, his first reaction was “well why have you been looking through my phone, you’re asking for trouble”. I know I can’t legally kick him out so he’s here for now, actually behaving himself for a change. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve kept myself looking really good, body looks pretty much the same as pre kids (size 6) and I try really hard to be a good wife. I’ve never really gone out as I’ve never trusted him with the kids but I have enjoyed been a mum/housewife.

Not sure what advice I’m looking for but never wanted to be in this position, I’m dreading telling the kids we’re getting a divorce. I really hope they’ll be ok.

@millymoo1202 thanks. No I cannot and that’s what I’m trying to tell myself, he may behave for a year or 2 but I’m sure it’ll happens again. His excuse this time was “well you left me all week” “I’m in a dark place, I don’t enjoy doing these things” then I got really annoyed about the money aspect as I’ve just started a little self employed job and he said “don’t talk to me about money, I have created all the money for this family”. I don’t want to be 50 when he’s fucking some 30 year old and my children have grown up and I’ll get no help to start again etc.

I wish you the best of luck. It’s not easy to get away. Even when you know it’s for the best. I stayed with my exH for a long time because I was scared. Scared of being on my own and scared of hurting the children.

Look after yourself, whatever you decide to do. I hope you find some joy and peace.

@BrassOlive he will tell me he’s done nothing wrong this week. That’s his classic line. If I’m in a mood with him 3 days later for any of his behaviour he’ll say “what’s wrong with today, let’s have a good day, I’ve done nothing wrong today”.

The money side of it has really annoyed me as I try really hard to keep on top of all the finances and I’ve started a little self employed job so I feel what I’ve been earning is cancelling out if that makes sense. His answer was “don’t talk to me about money,‘I’ve earned all the money for this family” I tried to defend myself and say yes but I’ve saved us thousands in childcare costs, but I can’t be bothered defending myself anymore.

It’s time for a solicitor. It’s betrayal after betrayal. Get angry and stay angry - his behaviour is spectacularly awful.

OP this is really sad. You’ve given a lot of years to this man who in return, other than his sperm and money has given you very little.

If you can financially afford it, I would look into getting some therapy to come to terms with everything and start to plan how to move forward and get your children away from this environment.

You say they aren’t affected yet, which is unlikely, but if you’ve been lucky enough to keep them unawares, that is not going to last much longer. You are responsible for them kids and this is your wake up call to get them out and away from a drug addict. The cheating, abuse, using sex workers etc - that’s all just waaaaay way too much. An active addiction is enough of a reason to leave.

seek some therapy to rebuild your self esteem, you can access this online or via telephone if physically attending would be difficult.

good luck OP, it seems you’ve started to wake up. You need to push forward now

Why are you trying to reason with a drug addict?

This is completely and utterly pointless.

He does not value you, will never value you and will not change. You may as well try and reason with a brick wall ffs

He’s gaslighted your continuously for 14 years.
Your self worth is at a zero.
Your kids are not clueless, trust me - they are exposed to him daily and may well pick up traits, even become like him. My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, my brother is now an alcoholic.

You need to test yourself for STDs.

He’s had sex with another woman (a sex worker in your home).

I’m interested to know your background OP as to why your boundaries are so blurred? What sort of relationships were you exposed to as a child? be mindful of that as it shows what you might accept as ok behaviour.

His family agree he’s messed up.

Why are you still there? Why are you in rescuer mode?

I think your self confidence is badly affected by how he has been able to smash through boundaries all the way through this. You have way more worth and value than he gives you. If you don’t believe that and if you don’t value yourself it destroys your self esteem. You deserve better than this man who is intent not just on his own self destruction but the destruction of you and your family too. Do little things each day that remind you how valuable that you are. He is a broken person unless he fixes himself then there is nothing you can do except fix the parts of you that he broke too.

Your children aren’t clueless …they see the moods, the smashed door, they hear the raised voices, they see the comedown, they pick
up on your upset. As they get older they will see more & more. You are doing them no
favours by keeping this man in the house.

Hes a lost cause.
Get a solicitor and start the proceedings. You'll still be able to live in the family home till they're 16 at least, or you could sell up.

ANYTHING is better than this.

Your kids will know and understand that a lying cheating addict who snags prostitutes is the last cretinous thing they need in their life. Save them from this.

You deserve better. So do they. Good luck x

I have a friend in a similar position to you (except they ain't married) and what she endures from her partner is crazy/terrible/mindblowing. So what I'd advise is that under the influence of cocaine....behaviour thats unreasonable to the majority will seem reasonable to your husband. Your fighting a loosing battle whilst he is taking the drug (and not attempting to quit it). If I were you I'd prepare myself for a divorce and walk away, as he will likely do worse.

He had sex with other women -and in your bed!!! 🤮🤮🤮 HOW can he say he’s done nothing wrong??? Wtf. Oh I’ll tell you how! Cos he’s a narcissistic sleazy c*nt

Depending on your circumstances you could consider an occupation order to ensure you stay in the house and he leaves.

@HowAmYa i can’t afford a solicitor but I’m happy to just apply for a divorce/clean break.

I need to know what to tell the children, I obviously can’t tell them the truth but equally I don’t want them to think it’s my fault or that the marriage just hasn’t worked. But my main worry is them, I want to make sure they are happy. They’ll be heartbroken when I tell them and I do think that’s the reason I keep staying. Out of fear of the unknown.

@Howbizarre22 Yep. He should come with a warning to all single women out there as he will look the package on paper- own business, good looking, charming, confident and the crazy wife that “we just drifted apart speech”. His mask will sure fall off around 12 months but by then you’ll be hooked….

Those are classic narcissist traits- the outwardly charming but behind closed doors treats partner like dirt. Absolute classic. RUN!

I hear many of stories from men saying they did it because wife/girlfriend gained weight etc.

A remotely decent man who was truly so turned off by his partner's weight would either speak to her and encourage her to lose it, and if she didn't within a reasonable timeframe, would separate. He wouldn't cheat on her with prostitutes and non prostitutes.

On the general subject, you seen to think him cheating on you with non prostitutes and prostitute ms is a reflection in you. But he would cheat on anybody with prostitutes and non prostitutes. He wants sex with multiple different women - no woman would be immune from being cheated on by him.

That's what men want when they cheat repeatedly without leaving.

He's clearly an addictive thrill/high seeker and the cheating is another aspect of it. As well as his lack of basic morals and integrity... And empathy for other people.

He is a mal adjusted, disordered person. A drug addict, a repeated cheater, a liar .... That is his character, what had that got to do with you? He'd be the same with anybody. It's who he is.

It sounds like the kids "adore" him because you've hidden and made up for all his selfishness and disorder and disinterest and chaos. It sounds like you've done everything for and with them, while he's not been a real parent. He still gets adored however because kids naturally love and hero worship their parents. It sounds like your whole household panders to him too. They've grown up in an incredibly unhealthy, fake, unbalanced dynamic - while you did your utmost to compensate for his lack of responsible, unselfish, caring, active, normal parenting.

The drug use is a deal breaker .... The deal should have been broken long ago.

The cheating is a deal breaker.

The prostitute use is a deal breaker.

How much of your family money has he spent on drugs and now sex workers.
He owes you and kids probably 100k.

Whether he keeps a business running or not, he's a fucking disaster area, loser and degenerate.

Stop helping him pretend he's normal.

Stop letting him treat you like something he wipes his feet on.
Where would you be if you'd been using drugs or cheating on him; out the door.

Bringing sex workers to your home. Never letting you get a break from the kids, impeding you getting work/a career, spending your family money on drugs, and sex with other women. Cheating on you repeatedly. People have killed their partners over less. And would probably have gotten considerable sympathy for doing so.

Fuck me; I dont know what to say to you ... Can you get counselling? Individual counselling.

i can’t afford a solicitor

Some solicitors will take payment out of a settlement.

Couldn't women's aid get you legal aid as an abused woman .... The cheating and prostitute use and drug use is a form of abuse .

Don't you dare walk away without getting the absolute most you can. He's spent tens of thousands of your family money on shoving coke up his nose and shoving his dick into other women, while you did everything with his three kids, it sound like, single handedly. He's treated you appallingly. Get a forensic accountant involved if he hides money (likely).

Regardless of whether you let yourself go or not, that’s a lot to deal with and you crossed the threshold for ending the relationship years ago. I’m kind of shocked you took him back before.

I immediately kicked him out and he went to live with her, apparently he told her “he’d finally left me” anyway short story, he realised the grass wasn’t greener, ended it with her

I have a feeling it was mutual.... The ending.

He is, after all, a coke head, cheater and selfish & dysfunctional. I'm sure she realised quite quickly.

Regardless of whether you let yourself go or not

She didn't by the sounds of it, but it's totally irrelevant anyway.

Since he's clearly got some kind of personality disorder... The kind that makes life as their partner a chaotic ball of misery and stress and pretence of normality.

Anybody who's bringing a sex worker to their family home while their wife and kids are away ...... It says it all. As does the years of coke use. What a degenerate mess of an individual.

And anyway there are plenty of men who are faithful to women who "let themselves go".

@Hamburger233 that’s my point. Regardless of whether someone has let themselves go or not, they shouldn’t be treated like this.

I can't for the life of me see why you have tried endlessly to be a "good wife" to this loser. He has no resoect for you, his kids or his home.

Set yourself free from this misery, he will never change.

@Wishimaywishimight It’s really hard to explain. Also I really wanted to keep my family together. Hoping all the time that he’d see the light and stop.

I didn't read your post. The title said it all. I think you can do better

True