Cheating, cocaine, sex workers

[Dillydots]

Hello,

I need advice please.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children age 8-12. I’ve gladly been a stay at home mum/wife whilst he’s climbed the career ladder, saved on childcare as no family support and also I couldn’t have relied on him with his cocaine habit. I have been to uni but decided to focus on my family. He took cocaine when I met him but he only let this slip a few months in and he knew I hated all that stuff. Anyway fast forward all the years and he never gave it up, it has caused no end of misery, financially, emotionally and led to so many arguments, the amount of stories I could tell related to it is unbelievable. I’d say he’s got better over the years but still can’t seem to go longer than 2 weeks without it. He’s crossed so many boundaries with it and it truly disgusts me. The come downs are another thing.

Over the years he’s changed, gets angry, calls me names if I challenge him in anyway, he’s had one drunken violent outburst where he smashed a door but that’s not all. A few years ago I found out he was having an affair (after this I also found out he’d cheated before numerous times but I was oblivious- silly old me raising his 3 kids at home) with someone he employs, 10 years younger and I immediately kicked him out and he went to live with her, apparently he told her “he’d finally left me” anyway short story, he realised the grass wasn’t greener, ended it with her, got his own place and eventually worked his way back to me. I said yes because the kids were so upset by it all and I wanted to give him one last chance for them, as he promised he had changed….

However the cocaine use continued once a week probably and this has been extremely testing as I’m constantly pissed off at him. The cheating part seem to have stopped up until last week, I found out whilst me and the children had been away for half term that he’d had a sex worker in the family home, and from the messsges it doesn’t look like it’s the first time. Cocaine related too. I waited a whole day before I confronted him as I just felt numb, his first reaction was “well why have you been looking through my phone, you’re asking for trouble”. I know I can’t legally kick him out so he’s here for now, actually behaving himself for a change. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve kept myself looking really good, body looks pretty much the same as pre kids (size 6) and I try really hard to be a good wife. I’ve never really gone out as I’ve never trusted him with the kids but I have enjoyed been a mum/housewife.

Not sure what advice I’m looking for but never wanted to be in this position, I’m dreading telling the kids we’re getting a divorce. I really hope they’ll be ok.

It sounds like your sole aim is to keep the family together.
As a result you have had to tolerate some really poor, disrespectful & humiliating treatment from him over many years. Not to mention the insecurity you must have felt throughout.
As a loving mother in order to protect the children you have hidden the truth from them, so to them he is perfect. As a result, he has never had to even consider changing his behaviour because there isn't a consequence. He carries on, his cosy family life carries on.
Everyone on the outside thinks he's great. Including the kids.
What would concern me now, is if the kids catch him taking his drugs and he either tries to normalise it or at worst introduce them to it.
OP you have dealt with this for so long either you have a lot of resilience or maybe you are just desensitised to it all. I don't know if he can he change or how much more you are able to take to keep the family happy. The ball is in your court and when you're ready you decide. At the very least take some legal advice so that whilst you're weighing up your options you are armed with what you are both entitled to should the relationship end.

I suppose it depends how low the bar is in what your are prepared to put up with and from what you described about the past 14 years, that bar seems pretty low because you just keep going back for more. Is the lifestyle really worth having such low self esteem?

I need to keep some kind of tally chart of how many times I've seen cocaine and prostitutes in the same post. It's very common. All you need now is a bit of dangerous driving with the kids in the car and gambling to complete the picture.

“well why have you been looking through my phone, you’re asking for trouble”.

OP, he's made himself very clear. He sets the boundaries and what constitutes as acceptable behaviour in this 'relationship' not you. He's bad husband that doesn't respect you, and this treatment is degrading.

It doesn't matter how you try to please him - it won't register with this type because they have such high expectations of their female partner that this is what you should be doing as a bare minimum for him. This man is opportunistic and intends to keep putting his hand in the cookie jar whenever the fancy takes him. Your marriage vows were for you to adhere to as his little wife, not for extra special men like him.

You'd like that a person who likes living their life at the extremes wouldn't want a stable wife and children at home, but sometimes they'll cling on because even though they don't respect their wife, they'll want the status of having a family and don't want to be negatively judged by others for starting the divorce process.

You've had to learn a lot of tough lessons through this experience and I wish you all the best. Remember - someone deserves your love and support when they love, support and respect you on a consistent basis. They don't get to have all those valuable things when they treat you like a doormat.

Bin him OP tell him you want a divorce. Your DC will be fine. You tell them you will both centre them and promise to co-parent well, you centre them in the conversation. They may ask you why but you switch the conversation back to them. "The why doesn't matter, what matters to me is that you are at the centre of everything we do and we will make the co-parenting work for you" along those lines. They don't need the why, they need the what, the what happens next and how.

You are in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. In the following order, I suggest that you:

• get an STD test
• Talk to Women's Aid about an exit plan as he could be dangerous to leave
• Talk to a solicitor about a divorce and getting your fair share of the house, pension and his business. I would go through all the accounts now and secure half of any savings you have, before he hides them. I would also do a credit check on any other lurking debts or credit cards. He is likely to hide money and there's no guarantee he will pay maintenance or help out with childcare after the divorce. Future you NEEDS this money. You bloody well earned it, putting your career on hold for his!
• Finally, do the Freedom Programme. Your self esteem is on the floor and it will help you recover from his crap.

Your kids will be fine. Better, in fact, as they don't have a violent, lying cokehead in their home.

Don't try to appease him or give in for a quiet life. He's treated you like the shit on his shoe and you deserve better.

His mum said she’s spoken to him and is answer to this last cheating episode is that I shouldn’t have left him over half term and shouldn’t have left him for so long over summer. That he needs company and affection.

@EarthSight His mum said she’s spoken to him and is answer to this last cheating episode is that I shouldn’t have left him over half term and shouldn’t have left him for so long over summer. That he needs company and affection.

Also thinking this “you shouldn’t leave me alone” business. He’s supposed to be working when I’m not there so he has a window of 3-4 hours alone. Gym, tea, tv/read, sleep. All this “I need company and affection”. Makes me sick, another excuse.

Jesus OP. Start making some better decisions for you and DC. So many deal breakers.

Agree with PP that DC will know more than you think, and will know you cover things up. Being factual about why you are breaking up is fine depending on their age ‘We are breaking up because your dad has been seeing other women’ ‘… because he spends money on drugs that make him behave badly’ etc.

Also agree you should get advice from a solicitor. I would I think you can ask him to leave since he brought a prostitute into the home and class A? Would his parents agree to take him in for a few weeks while you have some ‘time to think’. Are you scared to ask him to leave? If so, speak with Women’s Aid perhaps for advice?

@Catoo thanks. No not scared, he just refuses.

He said bringing a sex worker into the family home doesn’t affect the children as they were not here!

Fgs @Dillydots call the bloody police on the bastard.

So when you find out stuff by looking at his phone. ...it's your fault for looking at his phone, not his fault for doing it.

Cool. Gotcha. Highly logical and reasonable.

If he cheats with sex workers or whoever because his wife went away for a couple of days with his kids .... (Even though it sounds like he leaves you to do everything with the kids); it's because he, a married adult man with three kids, shouldn't be left alone for a couple of days and gets too lonely. Right. Absolutely reasonable.

Does he believe everyone in a couple who parts for a few days cheats and gets sex workers round?
Does he actually think that's normal?? If that's the case then he's clearly insane.

Does he he think he's special/has serious issues and therefore he can't be on his own for a few days without cheating or bringing sex workers around? What a very special snowflake. (I'd agree he has serious issues though).

If he's "lonely", he can see friends or relatives.

If he needs "affection" he can get it from you and the kids via video call.

Or by "affection" does he mean a fuck/a BJ?

He can get those from his partner - who he agreed to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with (though he's shat all over that and made a farce of it repeatedly) when he sees her next. If the meantime he can have a wank.

If you need company or affection, the very last ppl you should be getting it from, when you're not single and are married, is a sex worker.

It's all absolute bollocks anyway. You know that.

Why would he need to be left alone or lonely or needing affection to cheat??
He was cheating just as happily when you weren't away!!!? With non sex workers and sex workers.

He's like a child. A silly little child who makes up crazy excuses and rationalisations and thinks people might believe them.

I cheated cause you left me alone for a few days!!!

First off, I bet he's not have joined you if asked him to go.
Secondly, if your wife and kids can't go away for a few days without you using prostitutes for "affection" ...there is something very very badly wrong with you and you should not be in a relationship.

But it's all excuses anyway - it was a case of "cats away, mice will play" ... "I don't even have to pay out some money for a hotel room or bother my ass going to the location the prostitute is working out of; I can be lazy and have maximum convenience, and have the novelty of an "out call", and maybe get a special thrill out of fucking this prostitute in my family home; where my wife and kids live/function.

He's a thrill/high seeker, he seeks it constantly with drugs, he seeks it constantly with sex. Sex with his young employees, sex with prostitutes..... That's why he did what he did.

But he got caught and even Mammy found out, so he has to think up some excuses and blame. What/who can I blame, he thinks ...well my wife left me ... Left me!!!.Poor me. I'm just a vulnerable, little boy and really she should know better then to leave me alone, I was so vulnerable and lonely and needing "affection", what could I do with no woman in the next room to provide those for 48/72 hours .... Of course I called a prostitute. It's clear it's all really her fault.
And this is a winning approach because no matter what I do ...if I find a way of blaming her, putting responsibility on her ....she takes it. She swallows it, she keeps trying to change what I said was the problem. It's always worked before, so it might work again.

He's been scamming you for years op, have you finally decided to stop being scammed?

Actually I think I remember you thread back then, and his excuse of being lonely when caught messaging prostitutes (unless it was a different op).

Lonely and can spend some time with a mate, or family, or down the pub (you know, like normal people).... But no, he's got to put call prostitutes to his family home.

That's a special kind of lonely, for sure.

@Hamburger233 you are so
right. It’s actually made my bloody boil listening to those excuses. He’s cheated before so what was his excuse then?

His dad was an alcoholic growing up and cheating on his mum and left them. They lived in Australia at the time and they had to move back to England. Dad stayed with women and had another child and didn’t really have a part in their life since. Massive father wound.

I don't really know what's left for him to do to you .... Std, life long std, baby with another woman, blowing all your savings/equity, sexual harassment case from one of his employees where the affairs gone wrong, an affair partner attacking you, drug dealers at your house, cardiac arrest or some health collapse due to coke use, beat up due to bad drug deal or some issue with a prostitute and their pimp, he's already had a prostitute in your home so what's left there next to do; two or three?

Time to get the fuck outta there. It should have been years ago.

So his Dad was an addict and a cheater .... And he's an addict and a cheater.

There are genetic elements in both those inclinations; it's being increasingly highlighted in genetics now.

Don't walk away with a shitty financial deal.... Consult women's aid and try to get a solicitor and forensic accountant to get you the best deal you can.

He's spent tonnes of you and the kids money already on his "hobbies".

I mean this with no disrespect but
people will treat you how you let them treat you

You've put up with it for all these years, he knows you're not going to do anything about it so he'll just keep going

Either accept this is your future ( and your children's) or for heavens sake leave

Your children deserve better than this shambles being their only experience of what a relationship looks like

If you have a daughter you are setting her up for the same future as she is learning directly from you how to put up.

If you have a son, he will be looking at his father and learning his unsavoury behaviour towards women ( you and his use of sex workers )

Leaving him is the only option and you'll be infinitely happier.

You'll also be accountable to your children in the future when they ask questions and why you kept them in that situation so long

I can understand the need for resolution, but don't argue with him about this anymore. Don't engage either. He just doesn't want to take any responsibility for his behaviour and will always find you somehow at fault. The cheek of him.

Let him take his entitlement and ageing coke-head lifestyle elsewhere. Don't let him drive your kids around if you can avoid it.

Also OP, even though it's possible for someone to be hurt and abused by a parent, it doesn't mean that they aren't capable of the same behaviour themselves. I'm afraid it's not always down to upbringing either - we genetically inherit some traits. I don't think you should overly police your children as that could have a detrimental impact on them, but I'd keep an eye on any addictive tendencies they may show in their teens if I were you, and make sure you have a plan in place to help them manage that.

@EarthSight thankyou.

This is my next concern, co parenting with someone that’s taken cocaine for 20 years. He will think I am been totally unreasonable whatever I suggest. His problem is he’s unpredictable, for example so far since I found out he’s behaved himself so we are on day 9, he won’t last much longer so I’m waiting for him to mess up. He has on occasions taken the boys for a meal and come back and I can tell he’s done it,
obviously I’ve gone absolutely mental and said you don’t ever take them for a
meal again, it happened once more as I thought he was taking them to the shop.

He is hard to read, looking in from the outside people (apart from this family as they know how many times he’s come home coked up, done it in the house, done it at bbqs etc) will think it look’s unreasonable as he doesn’t look like he has a problem, goes to work etc.

By no means do I want to stop contact, the trouble would be overnight and for example if he had them at the weekend. Through the week and a Sunday would probe good contact days but if he doesn’t have me and the kids, highly unlikely he’ll of had a clean weekend so Sunday would probably be a come down day!