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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any regretted getting a non molestation

73 replies

TickingKey46 · 04/11/2023 20:13

Hi there
Police have advised I get a non molestation order against my ex husband (father of my 2 children). But I'm terrified it will make it worse. Had anyone regretted getting one?

Honestly I'm exhausted this has been going on for years.

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 04/11/2023 20:18

It's the best thing you can do. If he contacts you in anyway & breaks it, he gets arrested. If you've put up with things for years you need to do something to change it. This way you're taking control & saying no more

Please take their advice & get it

MissCherryCakeyBun · 04/11/2023 20:30

Getting a Non-Mol changed my life for the better. My Ex-DH was a piece of work and after credible threats to kill me I was advised to get one and also an exclusion order and it made a huge difference as after he got arrested for attempting to break it he got the point and agreed too a divorce. He left me for someone else 2 years prior but as he refused to get a divorce and was on the mortgage I couldn't change the locks and his violence continued as did is his threatening behaviour and entering the house while I was at work to intimidate me by sodding about with stuff and stealing post so I had no idea the mortgage was in arrears and the house was being repossessed. The stress drove me to attempt suicide to just get away.

Please consider getting both if appropriate there are several woman's aid groups who can support you through doing it

Original poster
TickingKey46 · 04/11/2023 20:35

I'm just not sure it won't make it worse, he doesn't care about authority, orders, court etc. We have been in and out of court many many times, he has not kept to those orders. Also he's homeless so no real repercussions if he doesn't keep to it.

OP posts:
pearshapedmim · 04/11/2023 20:39

Can understand why you're scared. I tried to get one last weekend on exh but they told menu wouldn't get one. Basically not bad enough. Exh was in my home, refused to leave, threw my phone and told me he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault. Called the police on him before also. He's controlling and manipulative. Criminal background and also had a non molestation order taken out by an ex years ago.

I don't understand why I can't get one. But like you it scares the hell out of me. You can't win can you? You living a life of feeling scared no matter what you do.

Hugs x

theheadband · 04/11/2023 20:52

People have suggested this to me before with my ex. He is scared of nothing and nobody. Would be even more angered if i called any sort of authority. If he did get in trouble over it, he'd send worse people to come for me. I wouldnt dare rock the boat.

category12 · 04/11/2023 21:06

Wouldn't it make it easier for the police to cart him away if he bothers you, tho?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 21:08

TickingKey46 · 04/11/2023 20:35

I'm just not sure it won't make it worse, he doesn't care about authority, orders, court etc. We have been in and out of court many many times, he has not kept to those orders. Also he's homeless so no real repercussions if he doesn't keep to it.

If you get one and he repeatedly breaks it chances are His Majesty will give him bed and board.

If the police are recommending it then it's clearly needed. Non Mols can have power of arrest with them, that's probably why it's been recommended because of his repeated ignoring of other orders.

Original poster
TickingKey46 · 04/11/2023 21:15

I'm afraid he will retaliate, he may try and find out where we live. Or physically hurt me (made threats to kill me previously)
He just has nothing to loose as he's already homeless, no job, no family who speak to him, doesn't see his children. It's also pretty clear he has very poor mental health and isn't In touch with reality. Also a drug addict.

OP posts:
RICHY12 · 04/11/2023 22:05

@TickingKey46 Three days after returning from A&E, my husband requested a divorce. Despite my exhaustion, brain fog, dizzy spells and ongoing investigations I asked him to leave, but he refused. It felt like he was deliberately provoking and triggering me and even got me arrested as when he asked for divirce i pushed him iut of the house. Nothing stuck, but returning to house and following legal advice, I sought an emergency molestation order, thinking it would be better for the kids if we worked on the marriage separately due to his apparent breakdown. However, as I was not well, I filled in the form incorrectly, leading to a four-month process until my husband finally agreed to promise the court he would move out while divirce gets finalised. Unfortunately, this decision didn't contribute to improving our marriage, and he was angry that I had taken such a step. I don't know if anything would of helped. I was living in same house for 4 months while going to court... I did take kids to emergency accommodation on 2 occasions but then I was accused of being manipulative / alienating children . But then being accused I was putting kids at risk by some that i stayed in house. It was so confusing. If emergency one was done correctly it might have helped situation . It wasn't healthy situation .

JamItUp · 05/11/2023 10:38

Have you tried speaking to WomensAid about your fears OP? I am not sure if this is part of their remit, but they might have some further advice or information on this? You could even raise this entirely legitimate question with the police. It sounds very difficult situation indeed 😞 wishing you strength.

localnotail · 05/11/2023 11:14

If police advised you to get it, you have to do it. It will make their job easier protecting you if your ex decides to be a pain. If he is already a problem, he will not stop, and with Non-Mol he can be arrested even if he shows his face anywhere near where you live, and put away. If there is no order in place, police could only arrest him if he does something, and it would be harder to put him in prison - he could be released even if arrested.
Also, SS would not be very pleased with you not taking "necessary steps" to protect your kids.
From what you said, you definitely need it.

Original poster
TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 11:32

SS are not involved, I have done everything to protect my children, everything.
It's easy for the police to suggest something, but I have to think about if it's going to help in practicle terms.
I think if I felt he had anything to loose I would be more inclined, but as I've said he's homeless, jobless, doesn't see the children. But saying this, this has gone on for year. He's an intelligent man and it's been hard to get anyone to take notice. But obviously the family courts finally took notice and after about 13 hearings (5 different court cases). It resulted in an order that finally protected the children. But he's not stopped his hate campaign towards me.
I just know things could be a lot worse (and have been). I've always just ignored it as I know it's a game of cat and mouse for him. He's now unable to communicate with me or be abusive on social media as he doesn't have the means (being homeless). But he still does other stuff. I'm trying not to say too much as it's very identifiable. I'm just so scared and tired of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 11:41

Sorry realised I haven't replied to people individually.
RICHY12 so sorry to hear what your going through. From my experience it's not necessarily about how bad it is but about if they can make it stick. So to speak, I've had many many experiences worse than what's just happened. But I was always advised I would struggle to get a non mol, based on the exact incident. This involved something criminal and very public, which has some how apparently made a difference?
Iv
Everyone else thank you for replying, I do really appreciate it. I am so so tired today.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 05/11/2023 11:44

I got one on my ex. It was extended also. He breached it twice.

Hes started harassing me again online now so going to keep reporting to police and get another if he doesn't stop.. which he won't.. so I will be.

Original poster
TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 11:48

Whattodo

So it hasn't really helped?

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2023 12:14

TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 11:41

Sorry realised I haven't replied to people individually.
RICHY12 so sorry to hear what your going through. From my experience it's not necessarily about how bad it is but about if they can make it stick. So to speak, I've had many many experiences worse than what's just happened. But I was always advised I would struggle to get a non mol, based on the exact incident. This involved something criminal and very public, which has some how apparently made a difference?
Iv
Everyone else thank you for replying, I do really appreciate it. I am so so tired today.

But if you have a non-mol against him, the police can take him away/arrest him before he actually does anything dreadful again, rather than having to wait until after - which has to be better surely?

As for something to lose, surely getting arrested and potentially getting charged with something is still a negative for him?

localnotail · 05/11/2023 12:55

I think you should get it, OP. To put it simply - if you have the order in place, you see him around (or have any evidence he is in the area) - you call the police, he gets arrested (and charged). No order - you see him around, call the police - they can't do anything until he attacks you; even then, if there isn't enough evidence, he may get released. Its just a tool to make it easier for him to be arrested/ charged. That's all.

I mentioned SS as just another thing to consider, it doesn't mean it may apply to you as I don't know your story in full. I'm sure you are a very good mum.

Original poster
TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 13:06

I don't honestly believe he would care about having a criminal conviction! He already had one! He's a drug addict, homeless person.
I feel uneasy as my dear mum wants me to leave it. She's afraid of making it worse. It's hard to go against her wishes. But as a mother she's afraid for my safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
TickingKey46 · 05/11/2023 13:08

Local.

Sorry I didn't take it offensively. I don't even know if the police will contact ss or even the school! Who knows

OP posts:
localnotail · 05/11/2023 13:08

Its not about him being convicted/ worry about it, its about you being protected and him being locked up.

localnotail · 05/11/2023 13:09

SS are routinely contacted if there is DV and children are present. So if he attacks you and your kids are there SS will be notified. In this situation, having a non-molestation order will work in your favour.

localnotail · 05/11/2023 13:13

Anyway, I think you may need to speak to a solicitor or a women's charity to make up your mind. In my experience, if you are told to get one, you should. Good luck OP and big hug.

gotomomo · 05/11/2023 13:16

I'm not sure it can make it worse from what you have written, what it will allow police to do is act before he actually does something eg if he's hanging around your house/kid's school/place of work. It also adds to the evidence if you need to seek relocation due to his threats, as it demonstrates who have tried all legal routes.

From what you write you need to do something to enable you to live your life

Reugny · 05/11/2023 13:23

I feel uneasy as my dear mum wants me to leave it.

If he's threatened your mum or anyone in your family the order can be written so that he can't go near any of them as well.

Then as long as they know he isn't to come near them, notify you immediately if he does, and you call the police he will be arrested.

haribosmarties · 05/11/2023 13:25

I think you should get it. It doesn't sound like he will stop anyway. And having this will leave more of a paper trail for the police to act on if he ramps up his behaviour. It's a step towards being able to actually arrest him and put him in prison. I'd just cover all my bases if I were you.
I really feel for you it sounds very hard. But I'd do what the police say because you might need this paperwork in the end. What's to say his behaviour won't escalate anyway even if you don't apply for this? And if you don't have this in place the police will be able to do even less for you

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