Any regretted getting a non molestation

[TickingKey46]

Hi there
Police have advised I get a non molestation order against my ex husband (father of my 2 children). But I'm terrified it will make it worse. Had anyone regretted getting one?

Honestly I'm exhausted this has been going on for years.

Breach of a non molestation order carries a prison sentence, and is one of the offences the courts tend to take most seriously when sentencing. If your ex prefers not being in prison, he definitely has something to lose.

The above because having a non mol enables the police to arrest him if approaches you, plus Womens Aid can definitely help. Also Flag dv (free legal advice for victims of domestic violence).

If you get it he will likely end up in prison which will be good thing!

Thank you all for your advise, I hear you all. I feel a bit stuck with it that's all. How ever I have filled the form in and sent it. So just waiting for someone to contact me. So far it's only my name, phone number.
I sometimes just wonder if I need to toughen up a bit ! Which I logically know isn't correct. I have had experience with charities like woman's aid. If I was honest it was always hit and miss. I was once told by a charity "that it's not abuse, but a custody issue"! It totally was and is abuse he just just the children to get to me.

I completely understand op. It's so hard. Making your abuser angry is so scary. It's easy for those to say 'just get the order and you will be fine'. You know him and how his mind works. You really have my sympathy. My ex also has a criminal record and states he is not scared of the police.

My mum also tells me to just leave it. She is also scared.

You should not live in fear though op - wish you all the best xx

Re. charities, police, etc I agree it can be hit and
miss. As with all walks of life, unfortunately, you have to deal with stupid or ill- informed people, even in a terrible crisis.

However, I believe that shouldn’t stop you from getting ALL the support, advice and information you can. From EVERYONE, including GP, police, women’s aid, social services (even though I found SS the worst of the lot your experience might be differen). Everyone you can think of . You sound quite alone and vulnerable with this nightmare. You need protection. Ramp up your fears to the police too.

Hopefully you will just hear that “lightbulb” person - with emotional advice - or even just a simple legal fact that you were unaware of. It can suddenly make muddy waters crystal clear. Ultimately it’s your choice whatever decision you make. But keep asking for help, support and advice - exhausting I know - until you are clear.

OP spin this on its head- ok he has nothing to loose from YPOV, but you gain by getting him arrested before he hurts you, the order will help you and your kids- do it- make your life a tiny bit easier- do it

Again thank you all.

JamitUp
No I am not alone, I have a fairly good network of support with family and friends. Problem is this has been going on for years and years and people become a little jaded with it. My employers are also very understanding.

The problem is you become a big lost in it all. Your perspective gets worped and it's hard to see the wood through the trees.

I have been to court many times, delt with professionals and given evidence, but still the process is scary.

I think if I don't go for a non mol now the moment will be lost and I will struggle to get one. He's done many things over the years but it's been hard to pin it down and get a non mol. The difference this time is what he's done is criminal and quite clearly some to cause alarm and stress. He can say it's not him but short of signing it it's bloody obvious.

If you don't get it now you'll be in a worse situation in every way in the future. Really hope you find the strength to do it.

I hear you (I think) OP. I don’t mean kindly understanding and concern from people eg your mother. Sometimes that may even make you passive, even if it’s just from exhaustion. I think I mean support from organisations and people with power. I think you do need to find your fire or backbone somehow as you said yourself ? And, of course, finding your own power within that. It all sounds psychologically even legally complicated. I’m sorry if I seem way off the mark. But I just do t want you to be defeated by this. Personally I do think you need to try and force the issue and get all the agencies you can to support you in this. Even if you end up looking or feeling “hysterical”. Have you ever come across that way? I would in your situation. There’s energy in that!

Jamit

Your right I am quite a passive person, I don't easily get angry or over emotional. But I'm tired of this. I will see a non mal through to the end.
My mum's great but she's just afraid for me, bless her.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Apparently the organisation that help you with non mol (the police directed me to) will contact me asap.
I'm also thinking they may need to act quickly as they need to serve him the papers. As he is homeless he travels around (but always bloody comes back)!

You have to keep level headed of course OP. Seeing the big picture and your (chess) moves,
including with a homeless waster on drugs.

However the police, a probation officer, should be aware of the dangers with such an out of control person. if they haven’t got the message, impress it on them!

Find your fight back, and fury. What a bastard he is. Honestly, I’d be making his life hell.

Good evening

Just an update.

NCDV have contacted me and have said it sound as if I will be able to get a non mol, they will call me in the next few days to get a statement. Then it's just waiting for a court date.

Apparently he won't know about it until he's served with the papers, where he can obviously contest it.

Thank you for all your support.x

Sounds positive. It'll be an ex parte hearing. Prepare all your evidence for the return hearing too.

Can I also recommend a book OP?

“Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships” by Lynn Fairweather https://amzn.eu/d/3KBo5qX

It’s a very engaging and instructive read. It makes sobering reading, but is also full of great practical advice. It also gives suggestions re. your personal security, something that might be relevant in the short term. It’s an American book but there are comparable situations and organisations. Good luck OP.

Whattodo

I would think it was highly unlikely that he would contest it tbh. He never turned up to the fact finding or final hearing in our court case regarding the children. This was before he was living on the streets. But if course I may well be wrong.

O god I feel dreadful! Gave a statement today for the non mol, statement still not finished (as it was taking soo long). So will have a call back tomorrow to finish it off.
I prepared for it, written down important things, but when she asked me about my marriage I found it so so hard. It was a time of my life when I was suppressed and confused (obviously not all unhappy) but it gradually went down hill. I find it so hard to explain it all and she quite rightly was probing!
Also they were talking about if I wanted it on notice or not (think that's what it's called). It's so tricky as he's homeless, has no contact with his family, very much doubt he has a phone or email address. Has no employment. It was hard trying to explain this to the lady.
I just wander if it was on notice he would know about it and potentially just move on so they couldn't serve him the final order. But if it's not on notice I'm guessing the first thing he would know was after the first hearing?
Any one got any advice on this? My brain is fried. Been up since 3am as one of children has been 🤢! I'm tired and feeling anxious

I don't know much about the process, but well done and I hope you have a chilled evening. Maybe write down any questions you have to ask the person tomorrow, so they can explain the options?

Get one, I don't think you will regret it. 13 years after divorce my ex husband is still terrorising myself and my children. Not enough 'evidence' to get non mol. I'd jump at the chance.

Housedramas

That's kind of where I've been the last 6 years. I do have all the evidence but unfortunately it was often seen as a custody disagreement. I always know it wasn't always but he's clever so dresses up as something else.
I do already have a no contact order for the children. But he's still hanging around causing trouble.

Category12
The lady who was taking the statement kept on having to go off and check with her superior. She didn't talk very confidentially, I suspect she's quite new. She said my case was complicated and quite rare. She didn't do anything wrong by I just felt unsure.

I got a non-mol against my ex. The police dropped the charges against him and I went and waited in court as an emergency and the judge gave it to me without him being present and then we got a hearing date because he disputed it. It lasted a year and it that time he calmed down and met someone else so he left me alone! Basically if you have a non-mol and he breaks it the police will have to deal with it properly. No non-mol the police could be quite flakey

If you have the evidence I literally plead with you to do this. My ex husband has nigh on ruined our lives. My children blame me for not having done enough, though I did everything and spent thousands in court. I have a panic attack nigh on every time my door goes, knowing that if it is him there will be nothing that will be done. Maybe our police force is just crap! Please protect your emotional health, this will also protect your kids as a result. I feel for you, I really do, but let him have the consequences should he breach this.

It's been a long process to get to this point. Even with good evidence no one's really been willing to help me. But it only takes one person to get it.

Maybe it was because this time it was so clearly aimed at publicly shaming me there was also an element of criminality. The good thing is that I think the order will protect myself and my children.

Get the non-mol hun x Honestly it was the best thing I ever did! Everything sort of fitted into place after I got that! I’ve had 6 years of no contact and he was found guilty at a fact finding hearing! He then gave up seeing the children supervised x It’s sad for the kids but he was messing them up

3sausages thank you.

Just an update. I've completed my statement, it should be sent to me within 48 hours. I just need to check it through and send it to the courts.

So one step closer to getting the order (all bring well).