Husband was messaging men on Grindr

[caro298]

Hi I hope someone can offer me some advice. I have been with my husband for 20 years , met him when I was young and we have 3 children together. 2 of which are older and now at university and one younger child at 3 (big gap I know) Although I love my husband. I have always felt like there is something a bit off about our relationship. When I had my first baby we were living with his parents and one day he asked me to bring his phone up from downstairs. I got the phone and noticed the following message on the way upstairs : Hi , I havent heard from you much lately , do you want to finish up ? I asked him about it , he was a bit defensive and I had a shower. When I got out of the shower, he showed me his phone and the same number texted him to say 'sorry, wrong number'. I felt a bit suspicious but put it to one side. Fast forward to us getting our own place and one day I discover some gay porn on his phone. his reply was , oh someone sent it as a joke , stop acting crazy. Again I put this to one side but was starting to get suspicious about him. A few years later I discover him texting while drunk at 2am to a random number ' can i meet you' I asked him about it and he said it was his friend. Years later I found out that text was to a gay man whom he kind of knew as a friend I guess. He seemed to have an answer for everything and I suppose without concrete evidence I decided to let these small clues go. Anyway , after the birth of our 3rd child about 5 months or so after, I find he has a Grindr account and has been flirting with men online and I also noticed some whatsapp video calls , both ways late at night one weekend when I was away with the kids. they were to random numbers. I confronted him and he said he has never ever met up with anyone , he was just looking for attention as we werent having a lot of sex (which is true) I had bad anxiety after having my baby and to be honest just never felt like it. He is a great dad but I would say there are a lot of times when he has hurt my feelings like for example he always speaks bad about my family if we have an argument. My family are lovely he has no reason to do this but it really hurts me. He has never really given me any compliments about my appearance and other people have told me I am a good looking girl etc . I should say though he also seems to like women as I have found him looking at straight stuff in the past too. My question is , am i crazy for staying in a relationship like this ? Do I believe that he is just bi curious and move on or is there more to it. I feel I cant trust him anymore and it is making me quite miserable but I also feel if I split up I would be losing my best friend too as this relationship is all I have ever known. I wish i could know for sure about him. He denies being gay but being on grindr is not something a straight guy would do. It would have been easier if he had had an affair with a woman as crazy as that sounds.

It sounds like he's bisexual and he's been cheating on you by using dating apps- why have you tolerated this?

He’s gay.

I would not believe for a minute that he hasn’t been engaging with random hook up’s with men. And he’s been doing it for 20 years.

You need to leave him. And get tested for STI’s

He swears he just did it for attention and that to him it wasnt as bad as getting attention from women. I guess I wanted to try and keep the family together for the kids sake. My parents split up when I was younger and I didnt want to repeat that I suppose... Im also scared of being on my own too

I mean I don't know how much proof you need other than catching him in the act !
You know what's what and I guess its up to you to decide what you want to de next. Live a lie for the sake of the children or think about your happiness.

If you can hire a detective it may be worth it. They can find all sorts out.

Hi OP
I've been where you are. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was bi/curious/bisexual - he just 'forgot' to tell me!

Early on in the relationship one of his old school friends told me 'when he was at school he was gay' and when I later asked bf if this was true, he hotly denied it. Over the years, there would be little moments where I'd wonder but in general the relationship was good in every area so I pushed down the nagging thoughts.

However he eventually started to become more distant and ultra secretive with his phone. We were looking at a short video on his phone together one day when a message popped up from an unknown number and the wording was along the same lines of wanting to have a Skype. I asked 'who's that?' And he got suddenly very flustered and almost angry and made up some excuse about some company spamming him etc. He was clearly lying!

It eventually all came out. I'm fairly open minded and after much thought, felt that if he could maintain a monogamous relationship with me, I wouldn't have an issue with it. But ultimately he had told so many lies, there was no trust left. I would never feel safe with him knowing that he was able to lie so effortlessly.

The one thing I do know is that what he actually tells you happened, will only be a fraction of the truth. I was told it was 'just a curiosity' but I later learned it had been going on for years and there had been IRL relationships too.

For me, it was the constant lies and deception which ended it. Your DH has been lying to you too. Can you live with that betrayal? Only you can decide. Do get yourself tested though!

I'm going to have a more nuanced take on this than the posters before me.

Yes, he's most likely either gay or bisexual. Is this in itself a problem for your relationship? It doesn't have to be. Couples can live with mutual understanding and respect even if one partner is bi or even gay, if they both know about the situation and are able to speak openly and honestly about what this means for their relationship.

The problem here is not his sexuality. The problem is that he's dishonest and secretive. That's going to be the biggest problem going forward, because whichever way you put it, he has betrayed your trust. I doubt whether your foundation is strong enough to overcome what he's done in the past. Not a lot of couples recover from this, and over time resentment keeps building.

You have some hard choices ahead, but I hear that what's stopping you from making these choices is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of a life without him. You have to decide whether you're going to let that fear stop you from moving forward, and if so, really grasp what it is you're giving up by staying in this relationship and how it's also going to affect your children in the long term - seeing their mom stay in a relationship with infidelity and mistrust and dependancy.
Ask yourself if this is really what you're going to settle for. Not just living with someone who may be gay, but also living a life of lies, and how that's been affecting your sense of self worth.
Good luck

@Hbosh has written an excellent post.

No straight man would want attention off another man? I think he is probably in denial. All the evidence is there, he just needs to be honest with himself and you.

@Hbosh thank you for this. It is ultimately fear that is stopping me leaving and throughout these many years I definitely have built up some resentment. My dad cheated on my mum (with women) and she always wanted to keep trying. They finally split and are now friends. I cant believe I have ended up in a relationship where I cant trust someone. It was always the one quality I wanted.

Sadly, in this world we can't sit by and hope for those things we want to come and find us.
You say you want trust in your relationship. The way we achieve that is by cutting out the people in our lives who break that trust. By showing again and again to everyone around you that these are boundaries you will not cross, regardless of how attached you are to that person (or the idea of that person).
Trust isn't awarded to you out of love or affection. People will not be automatically good and kind and decent to you, just because you're kind to them. You have to be selective and chosse the people who value the same things. And this man has shown you that he doesn't value trust and honesty as much as you do.

@makingmebrighter thank you. yes otherwise we get on really well together. However I am at a stage where I wonder if this is more like a friendship now. He keeps telling me all the time : I love you, did you miss me today etc etc and its starting to make me angry. As strange as that sounds. I have nothing to compare this relationship to. So it is the fear of regretting my choice later if I was to leave him. I have suffered a lot with depression and anxiety over the years and I do wonder if I am the one with issues ultimately. It is making me question who I am if that makes sense. I just wish I could know for sure if he had been with people in real life as that is a definite no for me.

This is true and I'd add that he's not even being honest with himself yet, saying he's not gay and just doing it for attention. There's no hope of him being honest with you if he hasn't even got to the stage of accepting that part of him for himself.

I mean at this point he practically has a neon sign above that says 'I am gay' (or at the very least bi). What more do you need?

Personally, gay, bi, or straight I wouldn't put up with anyone who cheated and compromised my sexual health. Get tested for goodness sake.

This. Get yourself to a STI clinic asap.

I'm sorry this is hard to hear but please stop deluding yourself, he is gay and has been cheating on you forever, you have all the evidence you need plus your gut instinct which you shouldn't suppress. If it feels off, it's because it is. Sending you love

Fab post by @Hbosh

OP re your depression and anxiety, I wonder if on some level you have sensed that the things your husband is saying to you do not match his behaviour towards you, and on an instinctive level you feel disrespected, unfancied and unloved, but on a rational level you’re denying your instincts and telling yourself all is good? That conflict between how you feel and what you’re telling yourself is a fast way to get anxious and depressed.

A lot of straight men have gay fantasies (google it). A lot of men are bi and have had same-sex relationships but eventually settle down with a woman and stay faithful. You’re in a different situation with it sounding very likely that your husband has cheated and is lying about it, but the hell is we can’t be 100% sure unless he admits it. I wish you all the luck in the world.

@caro298, you say "I have suffered a lot with depression and anxiety over the years..."

Does that predate your relationship with your husband? Or could it be because you have, as you say in your OP, "always felt like there is something a bit off about our relationship"?

I think you know he hooks up with men, but only you know if you’re willing to turn a blind eye to that. Personally I couldn’t. As for sexuality he is either gay or bi. Only he knows that. But yes he fancies men and he goes with them , he cheats on you.

He was obviously sleeping with the first guy, it's the only way the message makes sense - 'Hi , I haven't heard from you much lately , do you want to finish up ?' If they weren't in a relationship/sleeping with each other then there would be nothing to finish.

Of course he didn't think getting attention from men was better than getting attention from women - that must be the crappest excuse on the planet, most women would be even more shocked to find out their OH's were on gay sites then straight ones - it just lie after lie after lie.

IME bisexual men do not make good husbands, they are the group most likely to cheat if you look at the research and our stories are not unusual from what I've read. I was with mine for 20 years before he admitted he was bi and had been getting up to all sorts behind my back. I'm sure there are some loyal, honest ones somewhere, but I wouldn't take my chances. Mind you when they don't even admit they're bi to start with wtf are you supposed to do then. My whole relationship was a complete sham and I had no idea.

Of course he's gay or at least bisexual. I am sure that there is much more than he is telling you. I don't think lack of sex turned him gay either. I'm pretty sure that for heterosexual men who are not getting a lot of sex their first thought is not, "You know, maybe a Grindr account is the answer to my lack of sex". Their second thought is not likely to be, "Given a choice, my wife would probably prefer me to cheat with a man". I suppose if you get on and parent together with a small child, you could just live as friends but I'd be too angry about getting married under false pretences and being deceived for years to consider it. I am so sorry because it's obviously been a dreadful discovery.

Hi OP. It sounds as if your DH is bisexual, but didn't know it when you married, or wasn't comfortable with it, and hoped by marrying you, that that side of things would go quiet, or go away. It's easy to see what's happened within your marriage as betrayal, and it would be reasonable for anyone to consider it as such, but depending on how good other aspects of your relationship are, and how much you like and love him, you might be able to repair things and have a future together.

Sexuality is a powerful force, and one which is largely biologically determined, at least for most people. There might be some people who have chosen to be gay, but most will say there isn't a choice. It is what it is. For heterosexual and homosexual people who choose to live in monogamous relationship, at least there's a good chance that some or most of the sexual needs and desires within the partnership can be mutually catered for.

The same can't be said for bisexual people, because there's no chance of having their sexual needs and desires met within a monogamous relationship, to the same degree as for heterosexual or homosexual people. Some might argue that repression of desire is required in such cases, but sexuality isn't easily contained and controlled in this way.

Also, full expression of one's sexuality can often bring a lot of shame with it, which can be amplified within certain cultures and faiths. Add to this the problems with prejudice and discrimination etc. All these kinds of things are bound to affect people's ability to be honest with themselves, let alone being honest to anyone else.

So I guess the point is whether your DH is at a point in his life to face up to his true sexuality and be honest with you about his past and whether he wants and seeks forgiveness from you for the pain he's caused you and by extension, his family. You would then at least have the choice of deciding whether you want to move forward with the relationship, setting new boundaries. Obviously, this is unlikely to ever be an easy choice.

On the other hand, if he is in fact gay, then to give yourself the best chance of finding a fully loving relationship with someone else, you should leave as soon as you can.

Your husband is either gay or bisexuality and has been cheating on you.

Go and get tested for every single STD in existence.

Do not have unprotected sex with him ever again.

Get therapy.

*Bisexual (sorry, autocorrect)

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you're putting up with your husband having sex with men behind your back because you're scared of being alone?

Since you asked OP, and assuming original post is not your imagination, yes you are “crazy” for staying in a relationship like this. Up to you to create peace and reality for yourself. Or not.